Partner accepted a year-long overseas posting without consulting me. Says she "would have said yes anyway."

[YourShyPlayer]

Together for 2 years. We live together in the same city, both working professionals. We have concrete plans to relocate abroad together in 2028. We've discussed marriage. I recently told my family about her, which was a massive deal culturally and caused weeks of family conflict on my side.

Yesterday, her company offered her a year-long posting overseas. Her bosses asked her if she'd be willing to go. They asked. Not ordered. She said yes on the spot without talking to me. I found out by text message afterwards.

The country is currently in an active conflict zone. Our government has issued its second-highest travel warning. Hundreds of nationals have been evacuated. Major banks and tech companies are pulling staff out. The only alternative her company offered was a country with one of the highest rates of violence against women in the world.

When we talked last night, she said sorry for not consulting me. Then said she would have said yes anyway. She said I'm "not a husband", so the company wouldn't take me seriously. She said I don't have clear enough life plans, despite my having told my family about her and us having a shared plan to move abroad together. She said she'd say yes to any international opportunity regardless of location.

I said our relationship isn't transactional — you don't need a marriage certificate to be consulted on decisions that change both our lives. She went silent.

This morning she cried. Said everything I said was true. Said sorry again. But when I asked would you still go — she said yes.

I suggested switching companies to get international experience somewhere safe, somewhere I could visit or join her. Silent again.

Then she asked: "Will you not be with me if I take this?"

I said I'm not OK with my partner going alone to a conflict zone for a year, and I left.

We haven't spoken since.

AIBU for feeling like I don't have a voice in this relationship? Or is she right that without a ring, I don't get a vote?

Legally, it is.

I wouldn’t say anyone with a partner is single, but they are from a legal position.

I always knew I was “single” in the eyes of the law until we got married, and by that point we’d been together 11 years and had a baby!

i can't speak for anyone else but if someone came here, said they had kept their relationship secret and then when they reveald it it caused huge ructions because of culture i would say "run don't walk" to both of them.

Especially in their mid-20s. For me that is a way way bigger issue than wanting to work abroad for a year.

I was with mine 11 years before marriage. I saw myself as single, legally. I was in a relationship, but a “single” person.

"Anyahyacinth · Today 09:47
My thoughts are that it is vital a woman in her twenties prioritises her career if she wants children later and will need some time away. So you really aren't in the same place or equal in that regard. As you wrote it..she was asked if she was interested she said yes. That's simply saying she was interested.
I'd be worried about the danger but I certainly wouldn't want to be holding my other half back...why are your needs more important? Can you reflect on that too?
The war zone over me is just a cheap shot ...she's prioritising her career. Context and women's lived experience show this matters enormously...
Look up the pay gap etc..."

I've already posted a couple of times but still - this with bells on (I'm human and use "-" all the time; I don't understand the suggestion that humans don't generally use it).

I am surprised at the number of posters who seem to be suggesting that a young woman in her mid-20s who clearly has a job which involves overseas postings - or for which overseas postings will likely help career progression - should be clipping her wings to accommodate her partner. Give it a decade and she may well have commitments (children etc) which prevent such a move. This is her time.

@YourShyPlayer - I would say the same if the position were reversed and it was you with the opportunity to work abroad. I used to work at a large law firm and remember being really shocked and pretty appalled that 2 young male colleagues (trainee solicitors at the time, both actually engaged) had been talked out of 6-month secondments to one of our foreign offices by their fiancées. Fortunately, they were the exception rather than the rule. I know other long-term relationships which have accommodated a long overseas placement, including my elder DD's - she is currently overseas for 1 year. Her boyfriend is in the UK.

When you're young and have very few responsibilities (in particular, no children!) - that is the time to seize these opportunities. That's what your 20s are for. They're really not for clipping each other's wings and pinning each other down.

What would concern me is that she said she was asked yesterday, but most people I know would have discussions about housing, medical expenses, insurance, transport etc before accepting a role like this.

She's broken that twice now.

Action speaks louder than words. She's telling you one thing but doing another.

Well my son was in a relationship, relocating to an island off the USA. Was an amazing opportunity. Partner didn't want to go. Came to stay a couple of times, but it fizzled out.

When you're younger you really need to do your best to build a career.

Agree - if this was a woman posting about how her male partner of 2 years - who she lives with & has future plans with - had agreed to this without even mentioning it to her beforehand, responses would be ‘LT selfish B, he doesn’t care about you’
The OP’s partner was either selfish in not even discussing this with him before accepting - or not as invested in the relationship as the OP / looking for a way out of it.

No it means not in a relationship.

Yes it is 😂
https://www.thesaurus.com/browse/single

I don’t understand how you can classify yourself as being ‘single’ when you are in a ‘couple’ with a partner - albeit not married.
Of course you are still your own person, married or not, but in terms of relationship status, if you are ‘single’, you are on your own and potentially dating etc which I’m sure is not the case in most ‘couple but unmarried’ relationships unless otherwise agreed!

You dont get a vote.
You get an opinion. Not a vote.

Is she a people pleaser? I wonder if there is any reason she felt obligated to say she wouldn't take a role abroad without you when she clearly wants to seize career opportunities with both hands at this stage in her life. Does she struggle to say no in general? Been brought up to prioritise a man's wants? How did you see the text, do you check her phone? It sounds like she "goes quiet" instead of feeling comfortable being open with you when she doesn't think you will like what she thinks. This is something that you both need to work on.

I can see both sides to be fair, but I don't see she has done anything wrong.

She obviously wants to be with you AND she wants to take career opportunities. For some people a one year abroad career step wouldn't be a big deal for the other partner, visiting would be fun. If you don't agree then it's time to think hard about whether you want this relationship.

I don't think she did anything wrong in accepting without asking you and in that context I do agree with her that in absence of a marriage certificate or kids it's entirely her own decision. If she was unsure it would have been nice to consult you, but she wasn't, she knows her own mind, which is a good quality. If she is not going imminently then she might have needed a couple of days to think it through, get full details and then tell you. It's a shame you saw a text, that must have been hard.

That really doesn't change that she shouldn't have spoken about it first. They live together in a serious relationship. It's perfectly normal to take some time to think it over and research safety. I understand you are both very young though.

Many of the comments here are brutal.

Putting everything aside the fact you are in a 2yr relationship you both shoukd not be making unilateral decisions on things that big.

Thats the crux of the matter. Its not you saying she cant go or holding her back because afterall you have said you have both talked about getting married and that moving abroad together will happen.

Its the fact she didnt discuss it with you fullstop. Not the first time nor the second time.

Who here think after being together for 2yrs their partner can just go make those types of decisions without even one conversation about it....because if it was me I woukd want to know am I going to have to pay for flights to now go see my gf or is the company paying for say one visit every 6 months? If you are going to a country that i feel like might not be safe then dows your company have evacuation plans etc.

I just think its wild that anyone in a relationship shop for that long think its ok to just basically act like they are single and go what they want without considering it with their partner. What next ill just stop contraception and not tell you cos I want a baby

So she was put on the spot by her employers; a ‘no’ or a ‘I’ll have to check with my boyfriend’ would, presumably, have immediately earned her a black mark in terms of career, and I doubt they’d have given her a second bite.

We have concrete plans to relocate abroad together in 2028.

Let me guess, when it's convenient for you? Or when you expect to be offered a placement? Then she's welcome to tag along?

But she's not 'allowed' to move before then. If only these women knew their place...

Totally get this.

The question is .... does she? Does she know that telling your parents is akin to having made a commitment and then some? Does she feel the same....and have you had this conversation with her, as most people wouldn't understand or have the EI / emotional intelligence to understand this unless they've lived the experience.

And.... If she does understand, then she knows she should have spoken with you, allowed time to process, risk assess and make an informed decision given the choice / opportunity provided. She acted in haste.... but she probably doesn't have the life experience of living in a conflict zone and understanding the cultural differences of a country she's probably only ever seen in insta / tik tok or holiday mode....

Have difficult conversations. It means you know where each of you stand and nothing is left unspoken. Life is too short.

Well, she said she'd be interested...

But that's not a definite yes until she signs a contract or confirms, is it?

Don't overcomplicate this... Yet.

It's not set in stone....

Because that is what they both discussed and agreed. Emphasis on discussed together!

If something comes up before then it should be discussed together

It sounds like you are taking it personally, even though it might not be. She is going for work - you don't say what she does, but her career is clearly important to her. Even though she wasn't ordered to go, I suspect that taking the posting will be good for her career in the long term. You are not married and there are no children, she could turn down the opportunity and then you break up in a few months.

it doesn’t sound like she has accepted the position at all, only that she confirmed to her boss that she was interested in it when asked on the spot. That’s not like signing a contract while keeping the whole thing secret. she’s literally telling you about it now.

You are controlling. and you have misled people with your false subject line.

btw she can’t invite you to join her because you aren’t her husband so you can’t get a spousal visa.

Maybe you did. But the legal status of OP is neither here nor there as it relates to this thread. No idea why PP even mentioned it.

Young women should not give up career opportunities for a bf.

And having been in a relationship where there were/are serious frictions between me and ILs - and we're somewhat from the same culture - I would be telling her to run and to choose someone who won't bring the unending stress of angry rejecting ILs into her life.

Given what is happening in the UAE, is she thinking that this is never going to happen and saying yes meant she had shown her company that she would have gone but the company are never going to send her.

I have said yes to things, even if it was something I didn’t want to do.
Because I knew it was never going to happen.

The company in this case are asking about her going to Dubai when every other company is running for the hills.

I don’t for one minute think that this company would send anyone into an active war zone
I also don’t think this conflict is something that is going to be over and done in the next few months

By saying yes she has put herself in the companies good books so that if she does or doesn’t go, next time they have a placement somewhere really good, she will have first refusal on it.

You're in your mid-20s and it's a year. At this age you shouldn't be holding eachother back from doing anything.

I got together with my now husband at 19. We lived together and did long distance as we both took every opportunity to live abroad and adventure. We gave eachother that space. When we were 27 we decided to stay in UK and that we'd got it out our systems. We married after 13 years together, and after 20 years total we're expecting our 3rd child. Our relationship worked out because we grew together, and didn't try to limit one another (we were also moving for career opportunities).

A relationship of two years? You barely know eachother!