Partner accepted a year-long overseas posting without consulting me. Says she "would have said yes anyway."

[YourShyPlayer]

Together for 2 years. We live together in the same city, both working professionals. We have concrete plans to relocate abroad together in 2028. We've discussed marriage. I recently told my family about her, which was a massive deal culturally and caused weeks of family conflict on my side.

Yesterday, her company offered her a year-long posting overseas. Her bosses asked her if she'd be willing to go. They asked. Not ordered. She said yes on the spot without talking to me. I found out by text message afterwards.

The country is currently in an active conflict zone. Our government has issued its second-highest travel warning. Hundreds of nationals have been evacuated. Major banks and tech companies are pulling staff out. The only alternative her company offered was a country with one of the highest rates of violence against women in the world.

When we talked last night, she said sorry for not consulting me. Then said she would have said yes anyway. She said I'm "not a husband", so the company wouldn't take me seriously. She said I don't have clear enough life plans, despite my having told my family about her and us having a shared plan to move abroad together. She said she'd say yes to any international opportunity regardless of location.

I said our relationship isn't transactional — you don't need a marriage certificate to be consulted on decisions that change both our lives. She went silent.

This morning she cried. Said everything I said was true. Said sorry again. But when I asked would you still go — she said yes.

I suggested switching companies to get international experience somewhere safe, somewhere I could visit or join her. Silent again.

Then she asked: "Will you not be with me if I take this?"

I said I'm not OK with my partner going alone to a conflict zone for a year, and I left.

We haven't spoken since.

AIBU for feeling like I don't have a voice in this relationship? Or is she right that without a ring, I don't get a vote?

Don't know why you are getting so much hate OP. YADNBU to expect a discussion about this, having been in a relationship with someone for two years and especially if you are planning a life with them.

I understand your point too, that you have prioritised your relationship, even when it has been difficult for you to do, and she hasn't reciprocated. That would be hurtful for most people.

Don't know what the solution is, but your feelings are definitely valid and I would expect better, if I were in your situation. I hope it works out for you both.

She sounds selfish and sees this job as more important than you. Let her do it and split up.

That’s partially true, I believe. But is that wrong? You are not married, you are not engaged and you do not have children.

I am not saying that 2 years isn’t long enough to be in a serious, committed relationship. but for me personally there are certain milestones I associate with serious commitment. One of the very first steps on that road is telling the family / introducing a partner to one’s family.

so to me personally taking that step would mean that we’d be on the very beginning of the road to serious commitment. And I would not change career plans for a relationship on the beginning of the road to serious commitment. Absolutely not.

edit: I absolutely understand being hurt that she wouldn’t talk to you about it beforehand. But if she was the one asking, I’d probably tell her to prioritise her career.

edit 2: whilst still taking her personal safety into account.

This is completely true, I’d have left long ago in her position because I get to decide I don’t want to be a secret to your family whether or not it’s hard for you to tell them. But it is also true that unilaterally deciding to move abroad for a year on your own should be a relationship ender because a person who does that is not part of your team. Maybe you can keep talking and reconsider, but you should treat this as over. She’s an ex.

Yes of course your partner should have discussed this major life decision that affects both of you! But it sounds as if your relationship has a hard time dealing with anything other than superficial life organization.

She has told you that she has the opportunity to go, presumably it doesn't start next week - isn't this your chance to arrange an opportunity in the same place for yourself, if you want to go everywhere with her and don't want her to be alone out there?

You've already agreed that you'd like to have a shared future involving moving overseas, and this is only a year so it fits in nicely before the date you mentioned - consider it a trial year to see if living together overseas works out?

I dont understand the reason for the family rift? Do your family look down on British people? Have they accepted her now? Even though you have chosen her, this could be hurtful ongoing for her

This. It's career time.

Wha a load of rubbish. OP please don’t listen to this poster. If you were a woman and the person doing this to you were a man, then this post wouldn’t exist.

Typical Mumsnet hypocrisy!!

As a partner with plans such as yours your partner should have spoken to you about her plans before just randomly accepting a post abroad - especially in a volatile region.

As someone who’s relocated many times over the course of 20 years I‘d say: no international move is going to happen overnight! There is a lot of paperwork to sort out, visas to apply for and accommodation etc to arrange. I‘m very surprised any company would relocate staff to an unsafe place - is this a big company and what’s the sector?

I‘d keep an open door for your partner to reach out and speak like an adult but she sounds very immature if she makes big decisions like this on a whim with no interest in considering you - or other family. Is that someone you want to start a family with? A person who’s selfish like that and so immature she won’t even have a chat?

Try and find out why she’s so desperate to move abroad - the grass isn’t always greener and then see if there are any career progressions in the UK before becoming lower management cannon fodder in the UAE.

Does that really matter in the grand scheme? Not very one speaks good English or is able to express themselves properly.

Don't know why you are getting so much hate OP.

ridiculous. "hate" is bandied around far too often. OP is getting a range of opinions that are mostly fairly realistic and neutral.

The fact is that mid-20s is the time to grasp career opportunities, especially if you are a woman, and regardless of if you live with someone or not.

the "huge cultural difference" in their backgrounds cannot simply be ignored. I would hazard a guess at either racism or maybe her family are Rangers supporters and OPs family are for Celtic? In any event, that is not the kind of relationship to jump into and it is, imo, not the kind of relationship that i would (at this stage) allow to dictate my career choices.

It is very clear that OP and his partner aren't on the same page relationship wise, possibly not even in the same book.

FFS are you for real? You think a woman who is living with him already and who can say yes to a year long posting overseas without missing a beat 'is promised to someone already' and is being 'pressured and is being married off'?

Your prejudices about Muslim women come through, and she isn't even Muslim.

also FWIW - i met my DH in January we married in the following May and we have been married 40+ years. The time together isn't always indicative of a solid relationship.

The —, chat gpt does that. Humans don’t normally use that symbol.

OP, did you discuss with her your reasons for not telling your family about her? Does your family have issues with diversity. That would not be your problem but would understandably be difficult.

For PPs that assumed both involved were women, and yes OP, has clarified, he is a male, him being a male was stated in the OP, re-read!
I would ask those PPs why they assumed it was two women.

OP, you are clearly upset, understandably, could your family dynamics be impacting on her sense of security and belonging?

She is upset about the rift your relationship has caused in your family. I am not sure if I would want to progress a relationship on those terms.

Yes of course it should have been a discussion.

It sounds like this is a way for her to end the relationship.

Obviously you shouldn’t snatch a wife against her will !!
but there’s a difference between talking about marriage and a proposal. A proposal would show clear intent as where chat could just be that, chat!
she could say no. She could have said no if he asked previously. She might be waiting for the intent of a proposal.
…. sounds like she’s given up waiting for now though.

I understand that the cultural issue is hard for OP, but that also means that it's hard for the girlfriend. I understand her not wanting to hang around for it.

It's 2026, so if OP wants a cosmopolitan partner to go with his cosmopolitan life, he's going to have to figure out how to manage his family.

It's an expression, don't be such a pedant.

Many people do prioritise their career in their 20s, but usually people do make decisions with their partners, whatever age (although 20s is hardly children). If a person is old enough to be in a long-term, committed relationship and planning a life with someone, they are old enough to include that person in decisions, or at the very least tell them about it before making it!

I can totally understand why you are hurt but this is the wrong relationship for you. It's better that you move on, and live your own life, than waste time on wishing that this person was living their life differently. She has made her choice. Wish her well, let her go, do not try to keep the relationship going through this time because it will cause only heartbreak.

She should defo go. BUT if you live with your partner, you should discuss it with them indeed of just announcing it. Even if she was going wether op wants her or not there is a massive difference betwee "Im leaving for a year" and "i was offered this opportunity that I would really like to take".

I see doing LDR for a year as a non-issue but it is worth having a discussion if she really sees a future with you and how much damage hiding her from your family actually made. And her comments about your lack of plans sounds like she is not in this relationship long term.

Honestly, if a white family pulled that sort of nonsense, they would rightly get called out for being racist. I don't think OP's family should get a free pass on this. "Cultural" should not be an excuse.

it isnt pedantic though. It is what leads to women getting accused of "hate" for saying something very simple in terms of biology. As an example.

Anyway, i am interested to know how OP thinks this cultural issue, that caused a familial rift over a simple "girlfriend" relationship can be resolved in terms of marriage and children. If he thinks that it will leave his relationship with his family unscathed? where that leaves any future children? what his future wife might think of having half the family not happy with their relationship because of her background?

My thoughts are that it is vital a woman in her twenties prioritises her career if she wants children later and will need some time away. So you really aren't in the same place or equal in that regard. As you wrote it..she was asked if she was interested she said yes. That's simply saying she was interested.
I'd be worried about the danger but I certainly wouldn't want to be holding my other half back...why are your needs more important? Can you reflect on that too?
The war zone over me is just a cheap shot ...she's prioritising her career. Context and women's lived experience show this matters enormously...
Look up the pay gap etc...

What has her response been recently over all the stuff with your family? Presumably you aren’t that close to them if you’ve been with her two years and live together, but you’ve only just told them about her. Have your parents not been to your home? What are the cultural issues that stop them accepting your relationship?

I disagree with posters who say two years is nothing, or, if you’re not married your relationship means very little. I think back to when I had been with my partner two years, it was huge. He was my whole world (and still is)! I do think she should’ve discussed it with you first. But if it’s what she wants, it’s what she wants.

The bit where you agreed to move abroad “in 2028”. Agreeing something early in your relationship, that is several years away is a bit odd. Was this agreed move to your home country OP? Why specifically in 2028? Are you waiting to get residency somewhere?

Also if travel is part of her job or something she really enjoys then this will be a recurring problem, it sounds like she might be fed up of waiting. Would you have actually discussed this job offer with her or would it have been a flat no? Either way, I think your relationship is done.