Partner accepted a year-long overseas posting without consulting me. Says she "would have said yes anyway."

[YourShyPlayer]

Together for 2 years. We live together in the same city, both working professionals. We have concrete plans to relocate abroad together in 2028. We've discussed marriage. I recently told my family about her, which was a massive deal culturally and caused weeks of family conflict on my side.

Yesterday, her company offered her a year-long posting overseas. Her bosses asked her if she'd be willing to go. They asked. Not ordered. She said yes on the spot without talking to me. I found out by text message afterwards.

The country is currently in an active conflict zone. Our government has issued its second-highest travel warning. Hundreds of nationals have been evacuated. Major banks and tech companies are pulling staff out. The only alternative her company offered was a country with one of the highest rates of violence against women in the world.

When we talked last night, she said sorry for not consulting me. Then said she would have said yes anyway. She said I'm "not a husband", so the company wouldn't take me seriously. She said I don't have clear enough life plans, despite my having told my family about her and us having a shared plan to move abroad together. She said she'd say yes to any international opportunity regardless of location.

I said our relationship isn't transactional — you don't need a marriage certificate to be consulted on decisions that change both our lives. She went silent.

This morning she cried. Said everything I said was true. Said sorry again. But when I asked would you still go — she said yes.

I suggested switching companies to get international experience somewhere safe, somewhere I could visit or join her. Silent again.

Then she asked: "Will you not be with me if I take this?"

I said I'm not OK with my partner going alone to a conflict zone for a year, and I left.

We haven't spoken since.

AIBU for feeling like I don't have a voice in this relationship? Or is she right that without a ring, I don't get a vote?

Em dash

That's the one.

FWIW, This is your wake up call @YourShyPlayer

youre both so young, of course she should go and see where her career can go, you should too!

Shes shown you that she is her own priority- which at her age is perfectly within her rights to do - but where does it leave you? This is where you are right now.

so take this as a pause, a moment to reflect on what you want from life. Play this next step by ear, but protect yourself, she’s not committing to you, but that isn’t necessarily the end, at your ages you can just see where it all leads, have fun and enjoy visiting here if that’s what you want to do, who knows? Perhaps YOU could get a job that takes you out there too.

don’t be in such a hurry to lock things down, life is so fluid in your 20s and absolutely should be, you’re still learning so much about yourself

how are things with your family now? Are you speaking?

I think you are being unreasonable, actually. It's a one year contract. Those opportunities don't crop up every day and I would have said yes in the moment, too (in fact, I have). Saying 'I need to think about it" doesn't go down well in some environments, particularly when said by women working in male dominated environments. It sounds like her company haven't presented terms yet, just gauged her interest. When it gets to the nitty gritty, they'll need to iron out between them how many visits home she gets/how many times they'll pay for you to visit her, who pays for her accommodation and healthcare etc. It's not as if she said yes and will be on a plane tomorrow. You just need to sit down and have a proper discussion about what this 1 year means in terms of her career and how you can both make your relationship work in that time.

I think when she asked you, 'will you not be with me', it meant she assumed you would go with her. Perhaps that was short sighted on her part - whether you do move with her, or you both visit each other over the year, should be a discussion and agreement you reach together.

As for saying she would go even if you didn't want her to...why would she not?! Why would your wishes (unreasonable, to her) trump hers and come before her career? You're both young, you've only been together 2 years and you're not married. If the relationship is strong, you'd be working together to make this year apart work, not seeing it as some sort of cliff edge that spells nothing but doom. Life is long. A year apart is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

I got accused of using ChatGPT the other day because I happened to have bizarre encyclopaedic knowledge of something and I tend to write in a formal(ish) style.

I mean, I can't remember what day it is half the time, but I do absorb a lot of random information.

My experience was a fluff, general discussion thread, so it didn't really matter but when you see it on threads where the OP is about someone's actual life (like this one), or threads where the OP may be more vulnerable, then it could put people who actually want help, advice and support from asking for it.

It's getting boring to see constant accusations of it on threads when it doesn't really matter and it is completely unoriginal. When I see people throw out the accusation without engaging with the content of the thread, the just sound like they're trying (and failing) to be some kind of cool edge-lord!

The only reason that I continued to engage is because I'm stubborn when I perceive something as unfair, otherwise it would really put me off contributing to anything on this site.

It’s funny how in the other thread the consensus is “two years is more than enough time to know you want to get married!!”

I feel for you OP. She was never a dirty secret. Sorry but some ppl really can't understand what its like when you have two culture clashes its not a simple they will get over it.

My parents disowned my sister because they could not accept her marrying outside our culture. The hurt on both sides is still strong today as it was 20yrs ago. She is cut off from all family events and family members. Unfortunately her husband left her last month after 20yrs of them being together, she cant walk back into the family she wont be accepted back. She as she aptly said has no family now. Its a very sad situation.

It is incredibly hard and huge deal when these situations happen to inform family because there is pressure to make sure the relationship is the one that lasts if it is going to cause alot of hurt and problems.

I have met someone outside my culture I have been frank from the start about my family and cultural situation and he is thankfully understanding and knows he is no dirty little secret. I am not ready to tell my famy because of the what if it does work out...I especially dont want to then have to listen to the I told you so if it doesnt.

Unfortunately all that tension and rift that has happened by telling them and now things might not work out is why people take a long time before telling families its harder to heal those things after.

Putting that aside your in a relationship and you make decisions together sorry there is no I not on things like that. She should of said id love to can I confirm tomorrow then come home discussed it with u in terms of what that means and how it'll work for the relationship to continue to stay strong.

If you cant discuss these things and off making unilateral decisions on big things then its not a partnership

I got accused of using ChatGPT the other day because I happened to have bizarre encyclopaedic knowledge of something and I tend to write in a formal(ish) style
Sorry, that must have felt horrible 💐 (genuinely) another reason AI and ChatGPT are so crap as it's getting harder and harder to tell what's real and what's not online.

The OP made the fatal mistake of admitting he was a bloke. Never do that on MN.

If a woman had posted to say she was from a different culture that she knew wasn't going to be accepting of her BF but she was willing to live with him and face the consequences, even though she knew she had to tell them sooner or later, and her BF (whom she lived with) then came home and announced he'd accepted a job in the ME without discussing it with her first, that she wasn't able to go with him, and she was heartbroken because 'his career' then there would have huge amounts of sympathy, shouts of LTB, and absolutely nobody would have accused her of using AI to write her posts.

If you've kept your partner a secret from your family, to you it may feel like you had good reasons, but to them they will feel like a dirty little secret.
I don't think her behaviour was transactional, and it sounds like she was expecting the relationship to survive. It's only a year, its for her career.

I originally assumed from the OP that they were a same sex couple for some reason. Mentioning AI was nothing to do with what sex the poster is.

I get that your partner isn't a dirty little secret, but please stop calling this "culture clash" when it's simple racism.

It isnt racism when religion factors into it and if you are following your religion and believe in its teachings then how os that racism its simply a culture/ religious clash.

Still very much racism, with religion used as the excuse.

We really need to stop making apologies for this awful behaviour.

I mean, European colonialism has roots in religion. That doesn't make it ok, either.

Especially one that has no marriage plans

It's not always about race - in one of the two examples I gave above of this, the couple in question were from exactly the same ethnic background

To put it another way - only a very short time ago, it would have been unthinkable for a white British person to marry a brown person "because they aren't Christian" and "they aren't one if us". You see how it's exactly the same damn thing?

That's still a form of racism.

It's racism because it's discrimination against a person because they belong to a particular cultural ( religious ) group.

I think she owed you a conversation, certainly, but I don't think she's unreasonable to make the best decision for herself.

You're at an early point of your relationship and careers and life ambitions are very important. It might be that you are just discovering you don't align enough.

I think you're being unreasonable about the risk. She isn't asking you to go there, and she's allowed to decide for herself what risk she's willing to accept. You don't get a vote about that.

My DH was offered a job in Belfast many years ago, I said no. He could have gone if he wanted, but I definitely wasn’t. We had no kids at that point.

I think, instead of constantly trying to hold her back, you should let her go with your blessing. She's too young to be tied down, particular to someone whose family act like she's a catastrophe that's befallen them. Nobody deserves that life.

The end of relationships aren't democratic. No one says, "I want to split up with you but won't without your agreement, because that would be selfish."
She is effectively ending the relationship which will impact on the OP's life but that's, well, life.

Are you?

Probably not come to think of it. ChatGPT wouldn't be so unkind in a first interaction.

There are some of us - we may be in the minority - who are heartily sick of the persistent derailing of threads with accusations of using ChatGPT/AI. It doesn't make you look clever, if that's your aim.

FWIW, English is not my first language either and it took me years to stop coming across like a bot on social media.