Am I being unfair? Couple finances

[Cluelessfirstimer]

Me and DP own a home together (with mortgage) and have 1 DS.

We are not married. This is by choice for me. I dont want this thread to get into a back and forth if thats a wise decision or not but ive mentioned it as its relevant.

Ive always been very clear that everything has to be 50/50 in terms of bills and mortgage etc. Even before we purchased a home.

I have a good career and earn well - about £80k all in. DP has lost a few jobs for various reasons over the year and as such earns less. £40k.

He earns enough to cover his half of the bills and enough left over but I pay for almost all the food, any child care and basically everything else we do or need. Ive just paid for our holiday.

Anyway - we have had some work done on the house which I outlaid for. I have said DP needs to pay me back his half at some point.

Hes had an absolute shit fit this evening about it and started saying we should stagger the bills and mortgage to relate to salary. Im totally against this. We have been together a long time and although I dont forsee it I know if we split we would each get 50% of the house. I find it incredibly unfair that I should have paid more.

He CAN afford his half he CAN afford to pay me half for the work (ive suggested very small installments) so im pretty pissed off this has started now.

Am I being completely unfair here? My mum got absolutely shafted when her and my dad split up so ive always been nervous and keen to protect myself financially. I feel ive worked really hard to do that and have always been clear about wanting things to be 50/50.

Honestly yes I think you’re being unfair and should pay more proportionately and if the sexes were reversed I expect you’d be hammered on here

you could always change ownership to tenants in common with unequal shares.

but earning double and expecting him to pay the same as you I think is unfair

Appreciate the honesty. As mentioned I am a little scarred from family experience.

Ill look into he unequal shares thing for sure.

Yes, you are being unfair I think. It should be proportional to what you earn. So you should be paying about double what he does since you earn double.

I think you are being unfair. Are you a team or not?

If not, move on now and let him find a team player.

When you were on maternity leave did he step up and stagger the bills according to income?

Or did your savings dwindle while you still covered your full share?

The additional you’re paying for food and childcare must make it about right anyway?

If the roles were reversed and you were the lower earner, would you still agree?

I would say though that if you are paying food and childcare then you must already be paying more than 50%. Does he realise this?

We always paid in % wise in relation to salary for the last 30 years. He’s an accountant and I’m a nurse so it was never going to be equal. DH earns five times what I do so pays five times more into the joint pot. All bills however, inc childcare came out of this. I particularly wanted to avoid the ‘ woman pays for all child related things’ scenario. It set the precedent that in the event of a split most childcare would be down to me rather than 50/50.
The remainder of our savings was for personal use for us to spend or save as we wished. No having to run anything past each other. Never been a problem.

Has he really carried more than his fair share with your DS and around the house? That is always the reason men pay more than women in these situations. Because they are basically getting a ton of labour for free (and its not without cost to the women involved). If not however, I dont see why he should sponge.

While i was on maternity leave i had to use up my savings to still pay half of everything.

I’m on your side, I’m shocked he went bananas, it’s worrying. Traditionally women have always come out worse in financial splits so I get your argument completely. For whatever reasons you have for not marrying I think this should be recorded that you paid more.

I think you're being unfair. I think you should both contribute proportionate to your wages. You earn 80k, he earns 40k so you need to split it fairly and fairly does not mean equally!

You earn double what he does. How is it fair he pays the same as you? Split 60/40 (or if you want to be totally fair then 67/33).

Honestly? No. I love him i do but I am still very much expected to do drop offs/picks up/ cover the majority of school holidays. I make this work around my job.

To be clear also the food/days out/ everything else really stacks up across the month and Im not left with loads of money like im hoarding it away!

So you are already covering all the food and childcare and holidays, and thats not enough for him. And he contributed nothing to your mat leave. Yuck I already have the ick, get rid before he bleeds you dry.

I also think you are being unfair.
My DH and I married quite late in our relationship - we'd been together for 12 years and had a 6 and 8 year old together.
We paid in a percentage of our salary from when we started to live together which felt fair to us.

Thank you. This really is my main concern.

I just don't think this is love or a partnership.

Then it's pretty cheeky of him to want to be proportionate to income now!

Before you continue the discussion though, work out what proportion of everything you really pay - including what you spend on food and childcare - as by his rationale those costs should also be split between you too.

Yeah though so. He wasn’t having a shit fit about fairness when it was him benefitting financially, was he?

Tot up what he owes towards childcare, food, holidays, days out and let him know.

Gross wages may be double but due to taxes and other deductions, the net "take home" will be a lot less than double, so your figures need to be based on "take home" rather than top line wages which will make a big difference, and certainly not 33/67%.

This is why im not totally thinking im being unfair. Mat leave was really tough to get through. The other stuff really adds up over the month too so its not like im totally being a bitch?

Its a complicated one and I do appreciate the views.

I think it’s really hard to have a family life without perceived equality. It builds resentment. Unless there is something unsaid - he actively chooses to work less but doesn’t then spend time contributing non-monetary things- then it’s definitely unfair. It’s really hard to distinguish all the things we contribute individually - family life is complex and more than the sum of its parts. And definitely more than the contribution to the joint account.

For me - my husband brings in 4x my salary, but I work part time as a teacher. We put in an equal amount of effort into family life. I think if we split I’d be entitled to half the house. I wouldn’t be screwing him over. Yes he pays the mortgage - I could pay the mortgage too if my main focus was work, I had someone who facilitated all my work travel etc

Yes I think that’s not fair. I’d be upset too in his shoes.

It’s our money and I could never see it any other way. I would only separate finances if he was awful with money.

If he wants it proportionate to income that includes the food bill and childcare too. Why should you then pay more?

You could always say "okay, but we are going to add ALL costs then. Days out, childcare, holidays etc." Average it across the years if needed. Suspect he may rethink his position when his percentage is somehow suddenly more.

It's not fair to do 50/50 if you're on more than him, I earn more than my partner and we split the bills according to what each of us picks up, which works out around 60/40.