Am I being unfair? Couple finances

[Cluelessfirstimer]

Me and DP own a home together (with mortgage) and have 1 DS.

We are not married. This is by choice for me. I dont want this thread to get into a back and forth if thats a wise decision or not but ive mentioned it as its relevant.

Ive always been very clear that everything has to be 50/50 in terms of bills and mortgage etc. Even before we purchased a home.

I have a good career and earn well - about £80k all in. DP has lost a few jobs for various reasons over the year and as such earns less. £40k.

He earns enough to cover his half of the bills and enough left over but I pay for almost all the food, any child care and basically everything else we do or need. Ive just paid for our holiday.

Anyway - we have had some work done on the house which I outlaid for. I have said DP needs to pay me back his half at some point.

Hes had an absolute shit fit this evening about it and started saying we should stagger the bills and mortgage to relate to salary. Im totally against this. We have been together a long time and although I dont forsee it I know if we split we would each get 50% of the house. I find it incredibly unfair that I should have paid more.

He CAN afford his half he CAN afford to pay me half for the work (ive suggested very small installments) so im pretty pissed off this has started now.

Am I being completely unfair here? My mum got absolutely shafted when her and my dad split up so ive always been nervous and keen to protect myself financially. I feel ive worked really hard to do that and have always been clear about wanting things to be 50/50.

i am not sure asking for opinions on here will give you any better clarity as, after reading many threads on this, couples seem to do their finances differently.

for instance, whilst my DH and I notionally have separate accounts plus a joint for bills, we treat all our funds as joint. We transfer money between us to fills ISA’s and put money into pensions and we don’t really care which card any expense goes on. I was out of work for a few months last year and I just used joint account money for my expenses and my DH don’t say a word about it. Just isn’t a thing for us- we work as a team.

YABU in that this wasn’t sorted out years ago! If you’re expecting everything to be 50/50, then you should make sure anything you buy jointly is affordable for both of you. So for example, with the work you’ve had done on the house, did you discuss the budget and affordability before going ahead with it, giving DP the chance to say ‘I can’t afford that’ or did you just forge ahead assuming he’d pay half eventually?

To be fair some his fault, some not. Hes in an industry thats quite brutal as soon as profit or work is down his role usually gets axed first.

Hes been unlucky in some, but some have definitely been his issue. He can have a bit of a know it all attitude with his work which rubs people up the wrong way - obviously!

I have a little concern over his attitude to money to be honest. He does make some quote impulsive purchases sometimes. Nothing huge at all but things that he definitely doesnt need or serve much of a purpose.

I know he doesnt gamble or anything like that.

It sounds like he has quite a good deal! Plus you flex your job around your DCs needs. Well there’s a surprise!

Definitely add up the sums but it looks like you do pay more than 50% of your household costs.

He actually wanted the work done. I also agreed it would be a good idea but I was fine if we didnt have it.

Bit unfair to throw mat leave in his face when that was your rule before mat leave. Poor bloke probably thought it was time for a taste of your own medicine.

Ultimately, you should be creating a family lifestyle for all of you and funds should be pooled to do that. Odd partnership where one person is happy for another to be left out of things or hard up!

I didnt throw mat leave in his face? Ive never mentioned it! Someone here asked the question and I answered what happened during mat leave

You said how hard it was for you during mat leave but you could hardly ask him for help without undermining your own rule, could you?!

Doesn't sound like a loving environment to raise a child.

It was hard! But I never even mentioned it or bought it up to DP! I STILL PAID HALF! I didnt throw anything in his face!

50/50 is fair. He needs to get a better paid job if not happy. You should not have to support him.

Work out a budget for mortgage and bills, that's one pot, then a fun budget for days out holidays etc pot two and an emergency fund for house repairs etc pot three. Pay into them in proportion according to income and the rest, if there is any, is personal money.

I think the point is you should pay more but not more plus the holidays and days out.

I hope that makes sense.

Yeah that makes sense. I honestly wouldnt have an issue with this at all. My only issue was the mortgage bills and rennos being 50/50. That may sound silly but I just felt better that way if the worst happened we each got the same back.I just paid everything else.

Im definitely paying more. For sure. As I should! No issue.

As I said im going to sit down tomorrow work it all out and chat to him about it. Food comes to a lot. Childcare comes to a lot. We dont have loads of days out but they add up and the holidays too.

Just wanted to add I think history makes it difficult. I've been married for forty years, it was tricky about money initially as his ex-wife left him up to his neck in debt so I think he trusted me but his head was telling him to protect himself, bit like you, but we worked through it. It can be done.

I think this sounds far too much like a business relationship OP, I do get why you feel as you do but in all fairness as I don’t know your mums situation - it maybe not the same situation as yours- I know many men who feel that they got pretty shafted too after being the only or main earner for very many years- I think it would be fairer to do contributions relative to ‘take home’ income ( not salary because of your higher tax contributions) plus as others have mentioned look at how the house is registered in terms of percentages etc if you are contributing far more - I can’t see how he can see that is unfair especially as you aren’t married .

It's hard as it isn't always obvious how those extras add up. A good thing (I think) is his money is going into that pot he can see what it costs and maybe you can makes decisions together about if something is worth it, if course you might do that but if you pay it he might be a bit oblivious.

How much do you have left over each month after all family expenses (including the 50% mortgage and bills plus all the other stuff you pay for eg food and trips) and what does he have left over each month after all family expenses (so for him 50% of the mortgage and bills)?

my DH and I earn similar to you and your partner- me the lower of the salaries. I couldn’t afford to pay half of all bills with him. Surely this set up leaves you with lots of expendable income and your partner with very little?

I couldn’t live like this. Yes you are being unfair, you’re clearly not a partnership.

I do think your being unfair. I earn basic 2 x more than my partner. I also work on the railway doing shifts so that takes me to 3-4 times more. We have a 70/30 split on bills because it's fair. Or he'd never have any money for himself

Honestly we mostly end up with a similar amount!

Last month for example we has a few birthday parties etc so it was more expensive. The day before pay day I had £200 left he had £150.

He hadn't paid for any of the extras or anything. Which I didnt mind.

It varies month to month but with food and childcare we don't end far apart

Marriage goes a long way to protect you legally and fiscally, but I respect not everyone wants to get married.

I always turn these sorts of things on their heads. If he earned double, you'd be expecting him to pay more just because he makes more than you. So why get uppity with him?

I hope for a peaceful resolution in any case.

Just to clarify again it is only the mortgage and bills that are 50/50. I pay for all food, days out, childcare holidays etc etc...

I earn double what my husband does and we split everything 50/50. We have no shared finances or savings - neither of us has any idea what’s in each other’s bank accounts.

I personally don’t think you’re unreasonable, but I do understand it’s perhaps an unusual POV.

You should be paying proportionally. It doesn’t sound like a great partnership tbh?

Why is no one reading the thread? Op clearly pays way more than half of all household expenditure!

I think you need to put together a spreadsheet of all of your expenditure so that you can both see how much you’re actually spending. Because actually by the sounds of it, you’re spending way more than your dp. And I’m not sure really if you’re the one being unreasonable here, he was pretty happy to go along with the arrangement when it meant that you had to fund your own maternity leave and he didn’t pitch in at all.

I’m also curious about his job situation - did he lose jobs down to his own actions or has he just been unlucky? Because I think that’s probably relevant.