Am I being unfair? Couple finances

[Cluelessfirstimer]

Me and DP own a home together (with mortgage) and have 1 DS.

We are not married. This is by choice for me. I dont want this thread to get into a back and forth if thats a wise decision or not but ive mentioned it as its relevant.

Ive always been very clear that everything has to be 50/50 in terms of bills and mortgage etc. Even before we purchased a home.

I have a good career and earn well - about £80k all in. DP has lost a few jobs for various reasons over the year and as such earns less. £40k.

He earns enough to cover his half of the bills and enough left over but I pay for almost all the food, any child care and basically everything else we do or need. Ive just paid for our holiday.

Anyway - we have had some work done on the house which I outlaid for. I have said DP needs to pay me back his half at some point.

Hes had an absolute shit fit this evening about it and started saying we should stagger the bills and mortgage to relate to salary. Im totally against this. We have been together a long time and although I dont forsee it I know if we split we would each get 50% of the house. I find it incredibly unfair that I should have paid more.

He CAN afford his half he CAN afford to pay me half for the work (ive suggested very small installments) so im pretty pissed off this has started now.

Am I being completely unfair here? My mum got absolutely shafted when her and my dad split up so ive always been nervous and keen to protect myself financially. I feel ive worked really hard to do that and have always been clear about wanting things to be 50/50.

You need to do a detailed spreadsheet of all joint costs, which includes all children related expenditure, holidays, shared leisure activities (meals out, theatre, cinema, whatever) as well as household costs, and work out what a proportional split of the total would be.

I imagine if you show him, he’ll be dead happy to continue your current arrangement. Whether you will be is a different matter.

And you should certainly own your house as tenants-in-common, not joint tenants, and you should make a Will setting out what you want to happen with your share.

Thank you. I think this (which a few other PP have mentioned) is the way forward. I really wouldnt mind so much if he contributed to those other things too.

I will definitely look into our mortgage agreement and I am in the process of sorting out a will also.

You both agreed 50/50 at the outset.
You are already paying more , so he should pay what you ask.

I've always found the strictly 50/50 split of family finance a bit odd.

What seems more fair to me is look at your overall outgoings as a family, and each put in the same % of your income so the outgoings are covered.

I was always been the higher earner in my relationships, but always believed in the maxim "from each according to their means, to each according to their needs".

but then, I've always had relationships where I was sure I wasn't a meal ticket. The fact I happened to earn more hardly registered.

@Cluelessfirstimer I would protect your investment in the house by using a floating deed of trust for tenants in common in unequal shares. A floating deed means the percentages you each own don't crystallise ahead of time. You start out with whatever percentage your relative contributions are, and then it "floats" (i.e. varies) depending on how much you put into it - mortgage payments, renovations etc.

You need to think it through really well, what counts (useful to have a minimum threshold), that renovations need to be agreed, whether mortgage overpayments need to be agreed ahead of time etc (as one can use this to diminish the other's share).

Get a really good specialist lawyer to draw it up - everyday high street ones will not give you a good end product for this.

But totally appreciate your point of view for not wanting to put yourself at financial risk in the event of a split.

What happens if suddenly you fall ill and have to rely on benefits? Would you expect your partner to pay more or stick to 50/50?

I don’t think that it should be split 50/50 but I do think it should be everything including holidays, childcare etc. Anything that benefits you as a family including anything home or children related.

You're being unfair. You're either a team or you aren't. Married or not you're a family, and to be honest I think shared finances are the way to go. But if that's genuinely not an option for some reason then you should both have access to the same amount of disposable income.

He wasn’t interested in paying in proportion to income when your income was zero.

But it’s not 50-50 currently.

It looks to me that the only thing that is 50-50 is expenses relating to the house ie mortgage and renovations. Is that right? How do you own the house - joint tenants or tenants in common?

I think you need to review your position generally and actually understand your starting point. You are already paying more. Which seems fair as you earn more. But you don’t seem to know how much more. You haven’t answered how the house is owned. That is vitally important.

I can’t comment on if you are being fair or not unless you can actually work out the basics.

Im going to sit down tomorrow and work out exactly what im paying each month.

To clarify it is JUST mortgage and bills that are split 50/50 (which is what I asked) the rest of everything - food, days out, childcare etc is paid by me. Only me.

This came about as we had some work done on the house (which he mostly wanted to be honest) and I asked he pay me back half at some point.

I believe it is tenants in common - but I would need to double check.

I really am not trying to be mean but the house and bills being split has been really important to me.

I will sit down tomorrow and work out exactly what those other things come to.

Exactly this. If he wants a proportionate split it needs to be across all the shared costs.

Nope, I’m totally with you, this was what was agreed at the outset, and the cheeky fuck was happy to have you still pay your 50% when you were on mat leave.

Roughly OP, when you add food, days out, holidays etc in, what are you actually paying, percentage wise, of the outgoings a month?

Tbh if I was ever in a relationship where we got to this level of arguing over money, I’d end it.

I couldn’t be with someone who was on such a different page on how they viewed household expenditure.

I think some people are missing the point that while bills and mortgage are 50/50.
the food, childcare, days out and holidays are covered by the OP.

so in no way is it actually that she is on £80k, him on half that but paying half of everything. Sounds like he’s paying 1/3 at most.

so no, I wouldn’t be renegotiating on payment set up or the fact he needs to pay his share of the home improvements unless ALL expenditure gets put into the joint pot and then the split is calculated.

oh and it most likely wouldn’t be same if sex’s were reversed as the lower income partner would be doing most of the childcare too.

YANBU. You are paying much more into the family pot, as you should.

Ive always said I just want mortgage, renovations and bills to be 50/50 which i thought was fair (and I felt protected that way that in the event of a split we would both get that fairly back) thats all it have actually asked. I never had an issue with the other stuff being paid for by me.

I haven't even thought of what it all adds up to but I need to. Im not left with a lot of spare cash each month. Im not trying to screw him over in any way. I dont think so either!

I always made a huge point before our 1st house purchase that those things relating to the actual house needing to be split down the middle was important to me.

Tomorrow ill sit and get everything in a spreadsheet and work it out exactly

Glad you’re going to work out exactly you’re paying OP, do make sure to include absolutely everything. I’ll be keen to hear what % you’re actually paying because it sounds like this man has a great deal and he’s about to understand just how good he has it.

Even if you just take your 50% of house costs, monthly food, childcare and holiday split over the month, what does that add up to over and above the 50%?

Depends who wanted the works, I think.
I'm happy to live in a slightly run-down place so I wouldn't want to pay half of the modernisation costs I know my bf would want in a new place. For essential works it's different.

Who said that was the case? Most people I know received enhanced maternity. I didn't drop a single pound! Likely she dropped but not to zero, maybe in line with his salary

This

It sounds like you have been planning for your breakup from the start.

I wasnt on £80k when I went on maternity nor did I go down to his salary. I still earned more yes and the first couple of months (think it was about 3) were enhanced but then It was basically SSP.

Ive never planned a break up. As mentioned I have family experience of my mum being absolutely left penniless and I have always tried to protect myself IF it happens. No one ever knows!

DP has lost a few jobs for various reasons over the year

Tell us more about this. I think it is sensible to keep entirely separate finances with someone that keeps losing jobs frequently.