Am I being unfair? Couple finances

[Cluelessfirstimer]

Me and DP own a home together (with mortgage) and have 1 DS.

We are not married. This is by choice for me. I dont want this thread to get into a back and forth if thats a wise decision or not but ive mentioned it as its relevant.

Ive always been very clear that everything has to be 50/50 in terms of bills and mortgage etc. Even before we purchased a home.

I have a good career and earn well - about £80k all in. DP has lost a few jobs for various reasons over the year and as such earns less. £40k.

He earns enough to cover his half of the bills and enough left over but I pay for almost all the food, any child care and basically everything else we do or need. Ive just paid for our holiday.

Anyway - we have had some work done on the house which I outlaid for. I have said DP needs to pay me back his half at some point.

Hes had an absolute shit fit this evening about it and started saying we should stagger the bills and mortgage to relate to salary. Im totally against this. We have been together a long time and although I dont forsee it I know if we split we would each get 50% of the house. I find it incredibly unfair that I should have paid more.

He CAN afford his half he CAN afford to pay me half for the work (ive suggested very small installments) so im pretty pissed off this has started now.

Am I being completely unfair here? My mum got absolutely shafted when her and my dad split up so ive always been nervous and keen to protect myself financially. I feel ive worked really hard to do that and have always been clear about wanting things to be 50/50.

I’d say if he doesn’t want to split the bills 50/50 then all expenses are split proportionally including childcare and food!

Did you read the OP comment that said something along the lines of her partner had 70% of his wage left to her 30%

I agree except 50:50 on the mortgage is fair, IMO, given, in the event of a split, a court would award him 50% of the value of the house. It's different if the financial input is reduced due to child care commitments for shared children of both parties but that's not the case here.

I agree the finances and the household chores/childcare need to be better balanced but I disagree completely with the mortgage being 50/50.

That could wipe out a large proportion of the lower earner's income and once they've paid their proportionate share on the rest, leave them with much less.

Let's say the scenario were different: a woman in a minimum wage job and a DH who's a high earner, let's say £70,000. They have a child. They still have to front up 50/50 of the mortgage each and then a proportionate amount of the rest of the bills? That would be wildly unreasonable.

The principle is the same here - bills get split proportionately across the bill. And of course, he steps up with the household and childcare to do a fair share there too.

I think when you decide to live with someone you don't treat the mortgage and house like an investment where you only get back what you put in. You make sure the finances are fair and that means you both contribute in a way that's proportionate to earnings and ensures that you have similar spends/lifestyle.

If you split the equity on the home according to who paid what there would be thousands of women around the country who would walk away with virtually nothing. Many women couldn't afford to do 50/50 on the mortgage which means their partners would spend a lifetime acquiring equity whereas they'd accumulate very little.

Aside from that, I'm glad you're refusing to go back to how things were OP. It sounds as if it's been out of whack for a long while and in desperate need of evening up.

I think a few people missed some updates! I did try to be clear in my OP that absolutely everything else is covered by me too.

I always thought the mortgage especially being split was being fair to the both of us in the event of a split. Even down the middle and clean. No resentment or arguments.
Ive never had an issue paying more.
Expected it. Thats fine but yes this weekend was very eye opening to see that actually he has more than double % wise left at the end of the month after house food child costs etc than me. I really dont think some people realise how much food childcare and the like add up. I didnt until we looked at it!

I also didnt realise how unfair the admin and house work and atuff also was. As someone pointed out above to do ONE drop off and pick up a month isnt really ok when we are both full time working parents. My job allows me great flexibility but its a struggle still. I still have to find lost hours to get my work done in time.

I will definitely update you all on our outcome and what we end up doing but things will be changing for sure.

Thank you all again for the advice, views and kind words. Its been super helpful x

Imagine if this was written by a man, it would totally kick off. You are meant to be a team. You need to take a long hard look in the mirror at your attitude and your relationship.

You seriously think that if a man had written that he was left with less money for himself than his partner and he also did 95% of the childcare and housework that people would tell him he clearly wasn’t committed to the relationship??

No, I read the updates, I’ve also not seen any values put on anything, ie what the actual bills are. I’ve no doubt you are paying the lions share and this is how it should be, I’d say the exact same to any person who outstrips their partners earning by 24k (take home) per year.

What does probably need addressing is how much fun money you both have left over and not as a percentage of what you bring to the table as this is the exact same thing as trying to split, someone is always worse off. But honestly attempting to split when one earns so much more than the other just doesn’t work, as your finding out.

i know you’re not married, but that sees semantic at this point, you own a house together, live together, have a child together. You’re finically entwined. It’s just be slightly less admin if you did split up.

no one can say they know what the future holds but you need to be in the moment, live for the now, not the what ifs. I’m all in.

my husabnd was horrible with moeny but it was the other way - - he was terribelwith money becasue he wouldnt let s spend it on normal essential thing when he was a high earner

Will go out on a limb here and say because you've got a child (you carried the child, presumably), 50/50 is even too little for (and unfair to) you. You earning more is just an accidental bonus. But the reality is you've had to take maternity leave, scar your body for the child. I think he should be paying more than 50/50, tbh. But 50/50 is the minimum he should contribute.

Sounds like a room mate agreement rather than a loving partnership

Chances are, if you've never taken the maternity leave you could've been promoted faster, earning more, etc. And again pregnancy was risky.

I think without doing the maths it's also more likely that you spent more time and energy on childcare and housework--statistically that's just happens in a heterosexual household. Women and men are never 50/50 to begin with; he's had a massive advantage over you by just being a man. So I think his paying 50/50 is already underpaying. You're being unfair to you!

I have RTFT and nowhere have I seen any advice for you to look at your pension contributions which if u don’t stay together will remain yours. Tax relief, child benefit win win. A deed of trust about ownership of the house is also very important. I’ve seen too many ladies absolutely shafted over “we don’t need a piece of paper” and TBH in your position wouldn’t get married.

My ex earned a great deal more than me - he was happy to share. Tbf, whilst he was setting up his business, the only income was mine which paid for everything for both of us, so it was checks and balances. When he hit the big time though, I lived like a Queen (and stopped working). I understand why you're nervous, but is the cost of the home improvements worth ruining your relationship? Only you can answer that one.

If he wants 50% of any house sale, he needs to pay 50% of the renovation works. That's just obvious in my mind.

I hope you’ve made some massive changes and are setting into your new life with a partner who actually contributes, but I’m not sure how likely that is.
and if he complains about the new arrangements ‘yes it’s been very stressful fir me to do far more than you’re doing now but you didn’t care then, you were happy buying all your random crap I couldn’t afford. Marriage is a two way street you get out what you put in, only for a long time that equation hasn’t been working for me. If you prefer you could take on 95% of everything for a while to properly balance the scales?’

Would love to know how this is all panning out.

I wouldnt be in a relationship where i earned twice as much but was happy to pay the same amount as my partner. That would tell me that the relationship was messed up.

OP I think if you are paying for all of the food and all of the childcare then you are already subsidising him massively. If he is able to save money each month and enjoy nice holidays because you pay to them, then he needs to be paying you back for the work on the house.
As you say, he’s made you pay half th bills while you are on maternity leave, so clearly has no problem with 50/50 if you are the lower earner. If you lost your job would he step up and pay for more? Probably not. I think he needs to pay you back for the Renovation work and realise which side his bread is buttered.

Nothing has changed yet but we have agreed for May we will do everything by % of salary. Hes already grumbling heavily about it since realising the set up we had before massively benefitted him.

So will see how that goes....

why may? Is ge hoping it will blow over by then?

and what has he committed to re: child drop offs / pick ups and housework!

Ergh I dunno he said he would rather it start in May "so he can change the amount he sends me" (most of the bills come from my account ) totally hoping ill just forget it by then I think. Ive suggested getting a joint bank account for bills so we will get that set up.

Re childcare and house work he has committed to doing 2x morning drop offs and 2x pick ups a week which would massively help me. Again, until he does its just words. Hes said this before. This time though I am not backing down on that. Its been easter hols so not started that yet.
Housework / admin ive asked he tidys in the evening/ empty the dishwasher etc while im getting DS to bed as a minimum to start with.
He has done that for the last 3 days... although moaned about it last night to which I replied now he knows how I feel doing all that AFTER I've done bed time and everything else.

@Cluelessfirstimer you are being extremely patient; I would have lost my rag by now with the feet dragging and moaning. If the moaning means he is now realising the commitment required - financially and practically - HTF can he not see how unfair it has been on you? He should be making grovelling apologies to you. Do you have an escape plan for it falling apart or him turning into a perpetually grumpy old man? I don't think I could bear to be with someone so unconcerned for my wellbeing if he does not seriously buck up his ideas.

I said last night you must see how much ive been doing now. He kind of grumbled yeah you do a fair bit. I could only laugh at that or i would have lost it!

I wrote this post originally about the money side of things but I actually think its the practical side that bothers me most.

I made it clear these things have to be split now - still about 75% me on the practical stuff anyway so he has 0 reason to moan.

If we did split we would just sell the house and I would buy somewhere probably a bit smaller. Have family nearby so although it would be incredibly stressful/horrible and sad (because I do love him) I think im in a decent enough position to leave.

Hope it never comes to that but I don't want a grumpy old man moaning about dropping his child off a few days a week either!

He's been taking the piss for ages. He's not going to give it up easily @Cluelessfirstimer . He's lucky you love him. He doesn't sound very likeable tbh