Am I being unfair? Couple finances

[Cluelessfirstimer]

Me and DP own a home together (with mortgage) and have 1 DS.

We are not married. This is by choice for me. I dont want this thread to get into a back and forth if thats a wise decision or not but ive mentioned it as its relevant.

Ive always been very clear that everything has to be 50/50 in terms of bills and mortgage etc. Even before we purchased a home.

I have a good career and earn well - about £80k all in. DP has lost a few jobs for various reasons over the year and as such earns less. £40k.

He earns enough to cover his half of the bills and enough left over but I pay for almost all the food, any child care and basically everything else we do or need. Ive just paid for our holiday.

Anyway - we have had some work done on the house which I outlaid for. I have said DP needs to pay me back his half at some point.

Hes had an absolute shit fit this evening about it and started saying we should stagger the bills and mortgage to relate to salary. Im totally against this. We have been together a long time and although I dont forsee it I know if we split we would each get 50% of the house. I find it incredibly unfair that I should have paid more.

He CAN afford his half he CAN afford to pay me half for the work (ive suggested very small installments) so im pretty pissed off this has started now.

Am I being completely unfair here? My mum got absolutely shafted when her and my dad split up so ive always been nervous and keen to protect myself financially. I feel ive worked really hard to do that and have always been clear about wanting things to be 50/50.

No you each pay half.

I supported my ex when he lost his job and I was working and pregnant. When I was off after having our DS did he support me? No. In addition, no one gave me grace when I earned very little.

You still paid half on maternity leave. But now he doesn't like it. I'd make him properly pay half. You are not responsible for feeding him.

It maddens me. He'd half to pay for everything if he were single.

Yeah I said to him this morning we need to sit down together and go through everything.

It can only be that he really doesnt understand the cost of those things. Childcare has reduced recently but its still a fair amount each month and food prices are just crazy.

I honestly dont really know where his money goes! He isnt the best with money. Not to a huge degree but after hes paid his bills hes very much the type to buy some waste of time gadget (amazon parcels turn up a fair bit with something useless in them!)

In your position I would agree to a proportionate (post tax) split for ALL joint bills - to be put into a joint account and paid from there (so no more you pay then he pays you back). You will be financially better off I am sure and there are less opportunities for complaints. However, these scenarios usually work because the lower earning partner is bringing more to the table in terms of home/child related tasks. Therefore it is only fair as he is bringing less to the table financially, he does the reverse (60/40 or whatever) in terms of home and child related tasks. If he doesn’t like that, then 50/50 - for ALL costs not just the house and all home/child tasks. He is being mightily selective in his quest for ‘fairness’. Just because he earns less, doesn’t mean you should pay more if he doesn’t bring more to the table in other ways. Why should you subsidise him? You are a partnership not a marriage. You have not joined finances. You should both make an equal contribution- either financial or in other ways.

I'm willing to bet it's you who is actually left with less money each month, you just don't spend it on nonsense.

Do you have a savings budget at all? I'd be splitting housing costs 50/50 as it was always your original agreement and that's your deeds. Then I'd be splitting the rest proportionally and making a monthly budget for savings for an emergency fund/holidays, etc. You can't be living like the child is not shared. With your current set up you basically just have a lodger :(

In separated finances the rule of the thumb is to split the cost proportionally to the earnings in my opinion.
In any case you can always leave the relationship if you are not happy and he start to resent you earning more. Sometimes relationships are not meant to last forever.

you’re giving him far too much grace. An active caring parent would be aware of kids costs, he chooses not to because he doesn’t actually want to contribute fairly. He doesn’t want to parent fairly either. He just wants everything between you to work better for him than it does for you and he’s seized on this false framework , deliberately ignoring the fact that he knows you pay for other things, to see if he can get this relationship to be even more unfairly tilted towards him. He works less and parents less but the entitled selfish asshole also thinks he should have more money than you at the end of the month.

I think if you’re doing % share then it ought to be on everything, not just mortgaged renovations. So he needs to pay childcare etc too

Work out how much as a % of total bills you are each paying including childcare and food. Then review.

Childcare is 95% me. DP will do 1 drop off and pick up once a month when I need to go to the office. School holidays are me or my mum if I have a lot of work on.

When you do the spreadsheet, be sure to price up this childcare as if you were paying a third party to do it. Cleaning and cooking too. Hopefully your DP gets the wakeup call he needs.

Not even price it up, as I’m sure he’d definitely see that as petty. But outline the percentage breakdown of the jobs you do.

I do:
95% of nursery drop of and pick ups
100% of admin for nursery, medical and social requirements for DS
80% of house cleaning
80% of all cooking, shopping and meal planning
90% of holiday cover with my mother doing another 5%
90% of laundry
90% of house admin, insurance etc

This man has it so easy, his little shit fit really just proves how little he values your contribution.

Even if he’d sat you down and asked to work through a payment plan for the works with you, anything other than being an entitled and disrespectful wanker.

The part that confuses me and might be indicative of the way you see things generally is when you said in your original post that you, not we, have 1 DC.
Do you see your family as you+child vs him? Is that why you don't want joint finances?

If you were a man saying this, you'd be crucified.

For me, it ultimately boils down to whether you see yourself and your partner as separate individuals or as one team. I pay for far more than my DH does, but that's ok because we are a family and I view our resources as belonging to us as a team.

I knew it!

"If the sexes were reversed" doesnt work when everything else isn't equal.

If you were a man saying this who had also carried, birthed and nursed the child + taken mat leave + contributed 50% of outgoings out of savings then yes you would have an argument

I personally wouldn't care if he sees it as petty. He clearly undervalues her labour and perhaps pricing it would help him understand that.

This needs pointing out.
he can have a trial run of 50% all household chores and childcare and equal % of every bill down to the last ice cream bought. I suggest starting with the month with Easter school holidays.

What's does he use his annual leave for? If you are covering 95% and your mother 5%?

You’re not factoring in all the costs before considering what proportion you each pay.

it needs to include all household expenses including childcare, food, holidays etc.

then look at what proportion you’re each paying and how much ‘fun money’ you each have left over

only then can you consider is it faIr

in a true partnership you should both have equal leisure time and equal fun money to use as you wish (not on essentials and household expenses)

but if yours isn’t a partnership but a house share with a shared kid then 50:50

Depends. If you’re working all hours while he’s taking it easy having a nice relaxed life with plenty of time for hobbies, my answer will be different to if you’re both putting in a similar amount of effort.

It seems unfair to me, but then in your partner's shoes as soon as you made it clear that you expected 50/50 contributions regardless of relative income I would have made it equally clear that this isn't how I would expect my central relationship to work and we were not going to manage as a couple with such different attitudes.

Does he realise that although your pay is double his, your take home isnt? This maybe another thing he just doesnt see.

Personally our household finances have always been shared and I dont understand split finances, but you also arent married so I understand wanting to protect your finances.

I would point out that if he felt fair finances were important, it was strange he didnt speak up when you were on maternity leave earning next to nothing! But of course its mentioned now when he feels the balance is the wrong way.

I wonder if he will have a huge change of heart when he sees the true costs. I would work out a FULL monthly cost, split it proportionate to earnings (take home pay of course, not pre tax) and then see how much more he would have to pay, because I get the impression he is actually paying less than this currently.

It maybe useful for him to understand the full cost of everything.

It may also be worth asking him why he encouraged renovations he had no intention of paying his fair share of!

BTW, if you’re taking those figures from my message above, I just made those up as an example. But OP does say above she and her mother cover holidays, she just didn’t give that split.

I dont think he does understand that I dont take home double because hes used the comment "you earn double what I do" before.

We are sitting down over the weekend and going through my bank statements and working out the full cost of everything home/house/child cost etc related.

Ive had a little look today and its actually eye watering.

Ive had a little look today and its actually eye watering.

I think he will come to regret kicking up a fuss about this.

And the future of your relationship will probably depend on how he weathers it...

So it's not 50 /50 anyway. Add it all up for the past year and show him