Am I being unfair? Couple finances

[Cluelessfirstimer]

Me and DP own a home together (with mortgage) and have 1 DS.

We are not married. This is by choice for me. I dont want this thread to get into a back and forth if thats a wise decision or not but ive mentioned it as its relevant.

Ive always been very clear that everything has to be 50/50 in terms of bills and mortgage etc. Even before we purchased a home.

I have a good career and earn well - about £80k all in. DP has lost a few jobs for various reasons over the year and as such earns less. £40k.

He earns enough to cover his half of the bills and enough left over but I pay for almost all the food, any child care and basically everything else we do or need. Ive just paid for our holiday.

Anyway - we have had some work done on the house which I outlaid for. I have said DP needs to pay me back his half at some point.

Hes had an absolute shit fit this evening about it and started saying we should stagger the bills and mortgage to relate to salary. Im totally against this. We have been together a long time and although I dont forsee it I know if we split we would each get 50% of the house. I find it incredibly unfair that I should have paid more.

He CAN afford his half he CAN afford to pay me half for the work (ive suggested very small installments) so im pretty pissed off this has started now.

Am I being completely unfair here? My mum got absolutely shafted when her and my dad split up so ive always been nervous and keen to protect myself financially. I feel ive worked really hard to do that and have always been clear about wanting things to be 50/50.

She was on mat leave and he didn’t pay a penny more than 50% of the bills and mortgage, so I think OP knows he wouldn’t pay more if she got sick, hence needing savings in her name.

We have always split bills by income, and mortgage 50/50. IIRC the kitchen and bathroom was 50/50 too. That’s because we own the house 50/50 and so it felt fair to put in money in those proportions. Also the bills are a lot more than the mortgage!

We are lucky in that we’ve each had our time being the higher earner so it feels fair. It’s best to have an open conversation, and then maybe each go away and reflect, otherwise resentment builds quickly.

This all. Day. Long.

If anyone needed a spreadsheet its you @Cluelessfirstimer so you can see what a shitty deal you are getting

Nope nope nope. You are not being at all unreasonable. This is why I'd never marry. My money is my money. Don't get me wrong, I'm a generous person and I pay way more of the bills than my partner, partly because I earn more. But mostly because it's 100% my house and will remain so.

If your partner wants to be a 50% owner then he needs to pay 50%. I'd say the same if it was a man posting this as well. This is one of the fundamental differences of being married Vs not.

As you are still doing the bulk of the child labour too, you are doubly right in my view. Don't back down. Go for unequal shares of the house if he won't pay his share.

I agree with you dp that it should be proportionate. You earn double his wage!

But his main focus isn’t family life, the op facilitates it. So by your logic he should be paying the mortgage as the facilitated partner.

What on earth do you mean? When on mat leave he did NOT want to pay proportionately, he wanted the op to drain her savings so his costs didn’t change. Now he thinks he could benefit he wants to pay proportionately - to house, but he hasn’t suggested also paying proportionately to all the bills and costs that just the op covers. He's one of life’s entitled takers.

if one of them is sponging off the other and also doesn’t care for or fund the childcare for the child. One tenant with a child and a guest who splits a couple of the costs and does his own thing is more accurate.

No, he’s not demonstrating either of these.

If you are really a family everything should be in one pot otherwise you’re roommates who share a bed. You aren’t building a life together with this current set up.

I do find this attitude a bit strange when as previous posters have said you are a family. I understand the lessons you’ve taken from your mum, but I wonder if it’s worth examining that? These kind of problems will likely continue if everything is a business negotiation rather than an agreement that you are a team and you’ll figure things out financially together, and what’s yours is mine etc. Then it becomes about equality in the relationship and parenting - which is more important if you want this to be for life. Is the division of caregiving and household maintenance and working/earning hours fairly split? Do you both support one another if the other is sick? Do you both get fair leisure time? It also means every decision whether it’s home reno or holidays is equally decided rather than being about who can pay, and plans re saving can be a mutual endeavour. Tit for tat on costs leads to arguments - a genuinely shared approach to good financial decisions means you’re both equally invested in the future.

(I say this being married, and not totally sure how things would work if you’re not and split, so maybe this is redundant in that case and you do think you may break up)

Firstly, given he isn't sacrificing earning power for your family, then no proportional contribution shouldn't automatically apply here.

Secondly, tell him he is so right about making sure things are equal, as it's horrid to feel like one partner is left feeling like they have less, you're a team after all. Then tell him the true monetary % you contribute to ALL family expenses (likely proportional to net salaries anyway) and then discuss the % of time you contribute to childrearing and family admin and suggest a reset in the time he contributes to the team...

Hahahaa he’s having a laugh then.

You were right not to marry. Women who earn more than their husbands but who are almost always also the main carer as well are absolutely shafted by divorce laws.

You say in your OP that the deal was always that you pay for everything 50/50 and you were clear from the start about this. Presumably you’d also then have been happy if his career took off and he had more spare money than you. He has managed to get sacked multiple times (?!) and now expects your earnings to be shared as though you are married, when this is precisely why you (wisely) did not want to get married!

Just no. You aren’t married and you do not need to and should not do this, assuming all financial decisions such as the size of mortgage etc were taken jointly so he was not forced to agree to anything more than that which he felt comfortable in terms of covering his half himself, and he chose to have a child which means he is responsible for covering half of the child’s expenses if he is a decent person. There is no way you should be guilt tripped into paying more to subsidise him and then he’ll have even less incentive to increase his salary and leech off you instead for all eternity.

It would be totally different if he was a stay at home father and you’d both agreed that between you (i.e. you had willingly taken on an adult financial dependent as well as a child financial dependent) but he is not and you have not done so. He needs to pay his half of things and if he needs to earn more he should focus on career progression not leeching off his partner to cover part of his share of the household expenses.

Jesus.

Your mum was correct. He feels entitled to your money and clearly thinks you should continue to subsidise him while also doing most childcare and housework as well as most of the earning. Cheeky, entitled fucker.

You’d be mad to put up with this and him having a go at you about it. He needs to be told to step up and pay his half and to do his half at home as well. He should be ashamed of himself.

I can see both sides. Over the years it has varied as to which of us earns more- we were equal initially, then I went on mat leave, then part time, then started my own business while he semi retired and went part time.
We have always had a joint account and our own personal accounts. All household expenses (including food) come from the joint account. We have varied what each of us put in to the joint account, according to our earnings, but it means we also both have our "own" money (like you, OP, this is important to me)
We will always talk about changes that need to be made (eg kids going to uni, need money, both increase our joint account contributions) and we will always help out each other/ contribute to projects as needed. We have separate savings accounts as well.
It works well! We both contribute fairly, and we both have our own money too. Just a thought

Er no, that's precisely what didn't happen. OP instituted the 50 50 from day one, so pre mat leave. When she could have benefited from some help from him, she could hardly ask for it, when she has denied (and continues to deny) him the same courtesy. The boot was on the other foot.

Just something to consider; often when people get snappy about money, it’s because it’s a real problem for them. Could your DP have got himself into debt (maybe during one of his unemployed periods?) and it now be spiralling out of control?

Definitely lay out all joint expenses including childcare. Split proportionate to income. He'll probably be paying more. That's partnership... otherwise you could easily be back here in a couple of years bemoaning you subsidised your future ex and left yourself vulnerable.

Why just him?
The whole set up sounds so mercenary and unloving tbh. As pp said 2 people who hapoen to live in the same house and share a child.

So, is the issue that you feel you do more than 50% and the only way to even it out is that he pays 50% of everything?

How do you do your budgeting? You say you pay for all the childcare and food. What does he pay everything of to make it 50/50?

Sounds like you need to sit down and actually calculate who pays for what and is it actually 50/50 so you can at least have the facts on the table when discussing this instead of just both feeling like you're being shafted.

And for what is actually fair, to me the set up of "the child is shared, but my wealth is mine" is incredibly unfair. You have an obligation now to look after each other as well as the child, to my mind. What will happen if your partner loses his job due to health reasons? Will you still expect him to split everything 50/50 and if he can't, you'll throw him out?

This was my feeling, that it'll be ballpark the same. But definitely worth showing him the maths

Don't forget, your post tax salaries are around 33k and 55 k depending on pensions etc so you don't actually take home twice what he does.

Wait a minute, I've read the thread now and it looks like you pay for absolutely everything and he is only expected to pay for half the running costs of the house?

This set up is bound to make you feel used. You need to sit down together and actually work out what the family budget is and how you're both actually paying. Then get a joint account and pay for all family expenses out of it or set up a running split on Monzo where you can pay proportionally or any other way you want.

It sounds like your partner has no idea how much money having a family actually costs? And if under the impression you're saving rapidly when actually you have the same amount of money left over. If you have the same amount of money left over month to month then you're just sharing income like any married couple would, just keeping your wealth to yourselves which is actually working out the same.

Came to say what pp have said. Work out all expenses, including holidays, see what that comes to. Then work out a proportionate way of splitting them. Guaranteed you will not be worse off!

Yes
The 50/50 is just in regards to the mortgage and bills. I cover everything else (good, childcare, meals and days out) aside from his hobby/own purchases.

I think he really doesnt understand how all those things add up.

It's maddening he's unable to see that you contribute significantly more than him, but to give him the benefit if the doubt, perhaps he genuinly just doesn't know because he never had to pay for it.

It's definitely spreadsheet time and you should do this together so he doesn't feel hard done by.

If you're paying for everything else, I don't see how is it even possible for him to only have £150 left if his only responsibilities is mortgage and bills?! I'd be asking where is he putting the rest of his money if that's all he's got left.