Am I being unfair? Couple finances

[Cluelessfirstimer]

Me and DP own a home together (with mortgage) and have 1 DS.

We are not married. This is by choice for me. I dont want this thread to get into a back and forth if thats a wise decision or not but ive mentioned it as its relevant.

Ive always been very clear that everything has to be 50/50 in terms of bills and mortgage etc. Even before we purchased a home.

I have a good career and earn well - about £80k all in. DP has lost a few jobs for various reasons over the year and as such earns less. £40k.

He earns enough to cover his half of the bills and enough left over but I pay for almost all the food, any child care and basically everything else we do or need. Ive just paid for our holiday.

Anyway - we have had some work done on the house which I outlaid for. I have said DP needs to pay me back his half at some point.

Hes had an absolute shit fit this evening about it and started saying we should stagger the bills and mortgage to relate to salary. Im totally against this. We have been together a long time and although I dont forsee it I know if we split we would each get 50% of the house. I find it incredibly unfair that I should have paid more.

He CAN afford his half he CAN afford to pay me half for the work (ive suggested very small installments) so im pretty pissed off this has started now.

Am I being completely unfair here? My mum got absolutely shafted when her and my dad split up so ive always been nervous and keen to protect myself financially. I feel ive worked really hard to do that and have always been clear about wanting things to be 50/50.

You’re going to get a moaning grumpy old man either way.

He should be stepping up to 50% of parenting voluntarily.

I can’t understand why you would settle for less.

When you ask him outright why he thinks you should be doing more of the practical stuff, let alone the vast majority of it, what on earth is his reasoning?

"You seem to have more time to do these things" I dont - I make time from my already little time!

Until now ive never really pushed it to be honest. Ive just done it and not complained. Ive told him now though thats not going to be the case and he has to at least do the very little ive asked of him.

It’s a hard road back to making a man pull their weight with household chores and childcare, once they’re used to their partner covering the majority. It’s nearly broke my relationship multiple times over the last 3 years however we have somewhat of a balance currently (although still weighted). Hold strong! Whilst there are a number of families on our school run where mum does it all as dad financially provides, there is a significant number where dad is also covering 50% as mums career is equal to theirs.

If you Wanted to really simplify it - bills, holidays and childcare should be 50/50 as he would be paying bills no matter where he lived and you wouldn’t be getting that money back if you were to split. The house is the asset you want to protect so whatever each of you pays in should be what you get back and paperwork can be in place to ensure this.

I think you're absolutely right in what you're doing. It'll be tough to maintain the changes but stick to your guns.
Also, if the mortgage does change from 50/50 ensure you change the percentage ownership.
I bet he wishes he kept his mouth shut! 🤣

I think you need a joint account, each contribute fair proportion of wages. Everything comes out including childcare and food. If you are in maternity leave your contribution goes down in proportion to your earnings.