AIBU to expect a call / text during day while DH is at work?

[Purple100]

Quick one
DH job is in civil engineering so very hands on and gets dirty. He drives to different areas around the country and will have short breaks during the day between jobs. Some days he won’t contact me at all until finishing around 5pm or later, most times it’s because I’ve left him a few missed calls and he asks what’s wrong. I would just like a text or a call to say morning or to check in. We have a 4 year old and a baby. AIBU?

Yes YABU. I only contact DH when I have something to say to him. Contacting him every day just because is exhausting.

Honestly, you have heard of the boy who cried wolf yes?
One day you will need him and he will assume you are just being needy.
I don't take calls at work as I am working.

Initially I agreed with those saying you were being pathetic and needy, but on reading this it actually sounds like you’re lonely and isolated. You get up and parent both your 4 yr old and baby all day by yourself, and he’s often not back til ‘evening’ which means you’ve probably done tea and put the eldest to bed, again, by yourself. Does he have to leave for work this early? Cant he leave slightly later or come home a bit earlier? My (ex) partner worked 12 hour days when our children were little and I remember feeling very overwhelmed and stretched on the four days he was at work.

If he can’t, then can you cultivate some friends? Go to a local baby & toddler group, even most libraries put on activities for mums & kids. Is your 4 yr old at school or preschool? Are there any mums you meet at drop off/pick up that might want to go for a coffee so that you’re not stuck at home with no adult interaction.

In the mean time, it’s worth telling him that you feel isolated and that a text from him whilst he’s eating lunch would really help you. Don’t ring him unless it’s an emergency, but a text check in would be nice.

Yes

DH & I would only message or call during the working day for something urgent. We both work in jobs where it’s really not acceptable to be using your mobile phone unless in an emergency. We might text or call as we leave work to say (for example) “I’m popping into Morrisons, do we need anything?” Or “I’m going to pick up some beer, do you need wine?”

in fact, if I looked at my phone during my working day & saw missed calls from DH I’d panic wondering what the emergency was.

If you admire a man who takes his work and tasks seriously, then no, you shouldn't be upset that he isn't randomly messaging you.

I mean that's exactly my point. I don't see chatting to my husband as a 'task'

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

You must know YABU otherwise you’d have put voting. What on earth?!

Nobody should expect something based on other couples do.

I think it's a shame he is contacting you just to say 'what's wrong'.
I think if someone was looking after my most precious beings when I wasn't there I would do everything to make sure they were happy, comfortable, connected and appreciated. A quick 30 second call on the road in the morning, a brief 'hey, hope all's OK' at lunch, is really not a lot to sacrifice on the altar of 'must work'.
Blimey, I have more interaction with my dog sitter during the day. She sends a cute pic of the dog on a walk, I message back with a lol or a 😍or a 'loving life'. Is the work of a moment.

my DH is more like you, he likes to ring me and check the kids are ok and got to school etc when he has left early for work. It’s a caring thing. I would happily be at work and not check in because I know they are safe 😅

My DH has regular days where he has the kids and I’m in the office. I actively have to remember to check in because I know this keeps DH happy and feeling nurtured. Point is - as a partner I have learned what my partner needs to feel supported even if it’s not my normal modus operandi. because I care.

Your partner leaving at 5am every day does put lots of extra pressure on you, more so than most normal relationships with young kids. If a text or call now and then will help you feel supported, I would question why your partner doesn’t feel that is worth investing a bit of time in?

I would stop calling him etc if you don’t actually need to speak to him as it probably puts pressure on him at inconvenient moments. If my DH kept calling for non urgent things while I was at work I’d be annoyed.

BUT that doesn’t mean your DH should just forget you and the kids exist either. There is a compromise here and he can make more effort too.

Can you also work on some local relationships with mum groups etc to help you feel more support? What will happen when you go back to work, will all the mornings still be on you?

But think about when you were (presumably) working pre mat leave OP. Wouldn’t it have been really annoying to have your DH phoning you for a chat?
Totally understand mat leave can be hard and you sound like you need some people to hang out with/talk to during the day. Could you join some baby groups? Do you family/friends who might be up for a chat? I used to call my mum and sister quite a bit during mat leave and have regular meet ups with other mums and that made a big difference.
I don’t see any issue with sending him a text saying what you and kids are up to, but don’t expect more than a thumbs up reply and definitely not a chat during the day.

OP, mat leave can indeed be a bit lonely.
Tell him that if he can at all, you would appreciate it if he checked in.
There may be days he can't, but if he could you would appreciate it.
I don't think it is unreasonable to ask.
The days are sometimes long on mat leave.
Have you looked into local groups?
They were a life saver when mine were young.

There's nothing wrong with wanting that either. People on mumsnet love to project this idea that communicating with your partner/husband during the working day is the most odd and baffling thing they've ever heard and you must be SO incredibly needy. I have regular contact with my husband when he's at work as he also has a job which involves travelling around doing manual tasks. He can easily take a minute to reply to a message or make a quick call between jobs. I wouldn't think twice about sending him random questions or thoughts and he doesn't mind at all. In fact it would be extremely unusual for us for him to go to work and return again without us having exchanged at least a few messages throughout the day.

Helpful!

Op, I understand your feelings but I agree with others that I do think yabu.
I know once im at work Im focused on that and almost forget about home life unless there is something going on.

Do you have friends you could meet up with during the week. I know most of mine was working but sometimes id meet one or two just after 5 and have a quick coffee before they went home just to stay in touch.

I loved my mat leave ( years ago).and got out everyday with ds1 as it was summer. I took him to the beach, the countryside even Ikea for hours!!! He didnt benefit, he was mostly asleep, but I did! I was out and about, chatting to people along the way.
I had something to talk to dh about when he came home.
Have a look on Meetup to see if there are any appropriate groups for you to meet up with your baby.

Same here. I don't call but we send gifs and messages. I'm certainly not needy but we stay in contact it's not like the old days with landlines .

I can totally see why it could be irritating for someone else and I agree, I think for op it’s just a case of incompatible communication styles.

I think your expectations are unreasonable but your feelings are understandable.

Maternity leave can be incredibly isolating. One of my earliest jobs was nanny to an infant and toddler and I have been firm in my unwillingness to be a SAHP since, then I knew going in to my mat leaves that getting out daily was going to be a necessity. That's true even with me being an introvert and someone who bristles at the idea of needing to be in constant contact.

But I also regularly go full days at work without talking to my DH if there isn't admin to take care of. I travel regularly and one evening call each to our DC and my DH is the norm. When I'm working random calls and check-ins don't feel like connection, they just feel like another mental ball to juggle. Repeated calls or texts would make me even more reluctant to answer/respond.

My advice is to not make this about who is doing something wrong or one person getting their way. Identify your need as yours - you might say something like "I'm realizing that I'm really struggling with with feeling isolated and disconnected during this maternity leave." Then ask him for some help meeting that need without ignoring his. Start with some things you're going to do to help yourself (social groups? more outings? reaching out to friends?) and then ask about some things he could do to help you. Maybe he can make time for one quick call to say goodmorning after his first or second job of the day? Can he plan on having the DC one evening per week so you can join a hobby class and be around adults for a couple of hours?

Me and my oh speak regularly throughout his work day, mainly short phone calls, occasionally texts. On my work days (senior clinical NHS) I may only speak to him once and is usually purely family logistics related. Other days we speak lots when he’s at work and some days with back to back meetings we might barely speak at all. If his job demands mean he can’t easily speak then you’ll just have to get used to it unfortunately as my oh does on my work days. I get it’s a bit rubbish if you are someone that likes contact and having an actual adult to speak to when home with a baby and toddler all day, but if he physically can’t maybe call a friend/ parent instead. Xx

I don’t even look at my phone from the minute I leave the house to when I come home again.

My DC know to ring the office during my working hours or ring my mobile if I’m driving.

I wouldn’t respond to a text and so they don’t text unless it’s something trivial like what they want from the shop if they know its shopping day.

I wouldn’t use my phone during my working day just for a chat to anyone.
I spend too much time on my phone as it is and I can have that chat in person when I’m home.

YABU.

Agree. Reading some of these comments about sending memes, gifs and emojis - i can’t think of anything I’d hate more than receiving stuff like that while I’m at work. It would drive me insane.

I barely look at my phone all day when I’m working even at home.

In the last 17 years, whilst I am in my current job, I can count on one hand how often my husband and I have messaged each other. We are both very busy. You sound a bit needy, which would drive me mad.