AIBU to expect a call / text during day while DH is at work?

[Purple100]

Quick one
DH job is in civil engineering so very hands on and gets dirty. He drives to different areas around the country and will have short breaks during the day between jobs. Some days he won’t contact me at all until finishing around 5pm or later, most times it’s because I’ve left him a few missed calls and he asks what’s wrong. I would just like a text or a call to say morning or to check in. We have a 4 year old and a baby. AIBU?

YANBU

Even if you were lovers, didn’t live together or have children, it’d be reasonable to expect a text from someone who’s left your bed at 5am without saying goodbye.

But you’re stuck at home all day looking after HIS baby and child. Surely he has the odd moment to drop you a text throughout the day, to see how you’re all doing. It takes seconds. Does he not have a lunch break or go to the loo?

When I was on mat leave, my DP only worked 8 hour days, but he messaged me several times a day to see how the baby/kids and I were. Because he genuinely cared and knew how hard it was caring for babies alone (because he looked after them one day a week - as did I - when I was back at work before the next was born).

I think you’ve had some harsh replies so in the nicest possible way - you are being a bit needy!

I mostly WFH so spend my breaks doing quick jobs around the house or reading a book in peace. DP is a HGV driver, his rest breaks allow his to eat and totally unfocus. Sometimes we’ll drop each other a text to say ‘Can you pick x up on your way home’ or ‘cat has been fed/not fed is in/out’. We sit down
in the evening and talk about our day, it’s much nicer than having quick call/text interruptions

The rest of the world might as well not exist when I’m at work, I’m concentrating. I might text if I have downtime but it’s very unusual.

You are being very unreasonable

Dh works out the house 6am - 6pm. We say goodbye and next speak when he gets in. Unless he messages to say he will be late or we have something specific and time limited to ask.
But i remember feeling quite alone on mat leave. I would go baby groups/ shops/ see friends or family so I wasn’t totally but ultimately i was solely responsible for the baby all day. I asked dh to check in on his lunch break which he did for a bit.

He doesn't call you when he's at work ??!! Leave the bastard 🙄

My husband has a manual job and also drives up and down the country. I too work 40 hours a week in a busy role. Both of us are able to send each other a quick message if we want through the day because it really isn’t that difficult. To expect it? Hmmm a little bit unreasonable but not unreasonable to like or want it.

I recently had a decorator in my house but although his work was satisfactory (not brilliant), I would definitely not recommend him to anyone or have him do any more painting for me due to the fact that his wife rang him multiple times every day for what seemed like no good reason. It seemed very unprofessional and I was paying him to work. No problem from me if there was an emergency or a quick call to confirm something, but five or ten minute conversations? No🙄

Totally unreasonable. Let him get on with his work and catch up with you at home .

It seems most of the people on here would be horrified at the amount of contact I have with my husband during the working day. Today he was only out the house for about 5 hours and in that time:

He messaged to tell me about the ridiculous price he had just paid for fuel and I replied.
I then asked him about an issue with an email password and he replied with the answer.
I told him about a conversation I was currently having regarding childcare invoices and we exchanged a few messages about that.
He messaged to tell me he had 1 more job to go. I responded with an emoji.
We then exchanged a few more messages regarding the childcare situation.
He then messaged to say he was on his way home.

During that time we also sent each other 1 or 2 memes and posts on social media.

What can I say, we like to talk it seems 😂

My DH is a civil engineer and no I don’t hear from him when he’s at work. When he works away we have a call in the evening. I also don’t call/message him when I’m at work. I don’t even have my phone on me at work. Just because we are used to carrying phones around doesn’t mean we should be making personal calls during work time.

YABU, sorry.

We never contact each other when we’re at work. I never contacted my DH when the kids were babies and I was at home either, wouldn’t occur to me or him unless there was something urgent.

Im going against the grain to say I also like to check in with my husband through the day. Not mandatory and if we are too busy then we dont but if we can, we always send a 'How's your morning going?' Text. I think its a nice thing and good for a relationship. If he really cant then of course he cant but if does have 5 mins, I think it would be nice to hear from him

Im going against the grain to say I also like to check in with my husband through the day. Not mandatory and if we are too busy then we dont but if we can, we always send a 'How's your morning going?' Text. I think its a nice thing and good for a relationship. If he really cant then of course he cant but if does have 5 mins, I think it would be nice to hear from him

Yeah, we’re the same! We like being in contact with each other. There’s two in his van and when it’s the other lads turn to drive I get a million links to different airbnbs he’s seen in various countries and screen shots of flights!

I'm surprised how little communication other couples have. My husband and I message during the day when working...about the kids, what's for dinner, how's your day going, what train will you be getting etc. During mat leave, my husband would never have gone all day without messaging/phoning to check how I was getting on. It only takes a few minutes during a tea or lunch break. It showed he cared and I was always glad to hear from him. It seems this is unusual though going by other responses.

It's nice that you want some contact and a shame that he\s not doing it, but not a big deal really. I am more chatty than DH and might send him a few messages or phone during the work day, which he will reply to, but apart from that, his are usually just necessary ones like 'home by 6. Shall I get milk?'

However, the kids are teens and we both work.

On mat leave though, it is a bit different as you're holding the fort for what feels like quite a long day! That's a while ago for me but I'm pretty sure I did contact DH more with updates about the kids and I guess I wanted some support or acknowledgement of the hard work it was (when I was off with 2 under 3s). I was quite tired and emotional a lot of the time and I did see a lot of friends day to day, but god the days were long. I don't think it's wrong to ask for a bit more contact if he can manage it, if it helps you feel connected.

from my experience it depends on the person some people are like this eg good morning good evening hows your day etc but other people its zz

Sounds like your DH and many posters on this thread are addicted to their phones.

Many teenagers are the same where they constantly have to be messaging people so they can constantly be on their phones.

I think I understand it more now you’ve explained the working hours etc.

Constantly? Who said anything about ‘constantly’?

I think this just depends on what type of couple you are.

Me and DH always text each other through the day, just to check in, send each other silly memes or heart emojis 🤣🤣

But at the same time, it’s perfectly normal for adults not to do this too.

So you aren’t unreasonable to want it if you miss having contact with him, but you are unreasonable to expect it if he’s just not that ‘type’ of person.

I can’t see how having a need is unreasonable. Needs wax and wane over the time of a relationship. What the OP needs right not doesn’t mean she will need this forever. She just wants some touch base at this particular time with a small child and a baby. It’s causing a problem because the need is being unmet and unmet needs make people behave differently. I wonder if you can have a conversation with him and just let him know how you are feeling and if he could do anything to help. It isn’t up to others really to tell you whether your needs are unreasonable because you have them for a reason. Your need is trying to tell you something.

He is at work and he's not being paid to socialize with you.

If it's a true emergency, yes. But just for social interaction, no. Find friends to socialize with. Find something to do if you're bored. He's not available for that when he's on the job.