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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU to expect a call / text during day while DH is at work?

293 replies

Purple100 · 11/03/2026 14:46

Quick one
DH job is in civil engineering so very hands on and gets dirty. He drives to different areas around the country and will have short breaks during the day between jobs. Some days he won’t contact me at all until finishing around 5pm or later, most times it’s because I’ve left him a few missed calls and he asks what’s wrong. I would just like a text or a call to say morning or to check in. We have a 4 year old and a baby. AIBU?

OP posts:
CoffeeChocolateWine · 12/03/2026 23:50

My DH phones me when we’re both working and it drives me nuts! If I’m busy I do not want to check in, I want to get on with my work…I always find myself mentally saying “why the hell are you phoning me?”! Ironically, I know it annoys him when his Mum calls him during the day at work when he’s busy, but it seems lost on him that that’s what he does to me! I would only phone him if there was a real proper reason.

TinkersBelle · 13/03/2026 09:23

Purple100 · 11/03/2026 14:46

Quick one
DH job is in civil engineering so very hands on and gets dirty. He drives to different areas around the country and will have short breaks during the day between jobs. Some days he won’t contact me at all until finishing around 5pm or later, most times it’s because I’ve left him a few missed calls and he asks what’s wrong. I would just like a text or a call to say morning or to check in. We have a 4 year old and a baby. AIBU?

Are you struggling with the two children? Don’t be afraid to speak to your health visitor if you are or anyone else. I do think it’s unreasonable to be contacting him so much especially when there’s nothing wrong as one day you may need him urgently & he definitely won’t respond or answer your call till much later. Try to get out to toddler or baby groups if you can & the day will pass quicker & DH will be back home before you know it.

dh280125 · 13/03/2026 09:33

Yes, that would drive me nuts. You are totally being unreasonable.

Purple100 · 13/03/2026 09:55

So we had another chat about it all last night. I basically thanked him for the contact and effort he put in yesterday (a call at 7am on way to job then a text in the afternoon asking how were things)
When he got in, he made an effort to pay me a bit more attention, him being him he likes to ‘fix’ issues by practically doing something and finding solutions. He ressurred me he’s in love with me and he can’t wait to get home to see us. He has made another effort this morning to text good morning before he starts work. It’s nice to feel connected to him and it does make me feel less lonely, but it’s made me really think that the issue is deep within me. I am aware now after my post that I am feeling lonely, I wasn’t sure before. I’m aware I am putting too much pressure on DH to keep in touch with me during the day, that’s not his job to do. I’m slowly accepting that this is life for now, and I can make myself feel better by going to groups and getting out. It’s nice if he contacts me but I need to feel OK when he can’t or doesn’t want to. I did some deep breaths this morning and tried to think positive. I booked into a local baby sensory group for when the eldest is in nursery and I’ll take the two to a baby toddler group next week. I’m going to take small steps and hopefully things will improve

OP posts:
ErlingHaalandsManBun · 13/03/2026 10:37

Purple100 · 13/03/2026 09:55

So we had another chat about it all last night. I basically thanked him for the contact and effort he put in yesterday (a call at 7am on way to job then a text in the afternoon asking how were things)
When he got in, he made an effort to pay me a bit more attention, him being him he likes to ‘fix’ issues by practically doing something and finding solutions. He ressurred me he’s in love with me and he can’t wait to get home to see us. He has made another effort this morning to text good morning before he starts work. It’s nice to feel connected to him and it does make me feel less lonely, but it’s made me really think that the issue is deep within me. I am aware now after my post that I am feeling lonely, I wasn’t sure before. I’m aware I am putting too much pressure on DH to keep in touch with me during the day, that’s not his job to do. I’m slowly accepting that this is life for now, and I can make myself feel better by going to groups and getting out. It’s nice if he contacts me but I need to feel OK when he can’t or doesn’t want to. I did some deep breaths this morning and tried to think positive. I booked into a local baby sensory group for when the eldest is in nursery and I’ll take the two to a baby toddler group next week. I’m going to take small steps and hopefully things will improve

Good for you OP.

Its refreshing to see a MN post where the poster has taken on board the comments and advice given and is actually making an effort to make some changes. Good on you for booking some groups. I hope you enjoy them and you enjoy some more adult company.

Its a nice day today (where I am anyway) so why not pop baby into the pram/pushchair and take a walk. Maybe head towards a park or a coffee shop where you may meet other Mums. The opportunities to connect with other people are there if you are brave enough to find them/take them (which I realise not everyone will be)

I am glad you and your DH have communicated and that he is trying to contact when he can as he knows it makes your feel better.

I hope you are soon feeling less lonely 😊

MeandT · 13/03/2026 10:40

Oh @Purple100, that's a lovely update to read! It's good that you're communicating about how you feel, and looking at why you do. It's great that DH has responded positively to your discussion, and I'm sure he'll be supportive that you're taking steps to address things on your side as well.

These are the tough times with 2 small ones and if you can support each other & be a team to prop up the ups & downs now, you'll be so much stronger for it as a family unit over the next 10 years!

12 years on from your situation, my DH will sometimes phone during the day & I'll think 'what was that for' 😆 But I'm PT WFH and he knows I don't always get enough human interaction in my day, and if he's got 5 minutes, sometimes he'll just, call!

It's partly a hangover from your stage, when he'd check whether I'd managed to get out the house, or see other humans - and also gauge how much of a shit-fight or otherwise he'd be returning to in the evening ;)

You don't necessarily want to create a prop, or a requirement that you speak throughout his working day forever, but it can be a godsend of support right now, especially on the tricky days.

Keep going with your new groups & hopefully you can build a little network of other parents you chime with, to knit a bit more daytime human contact & support around you.

I remember reading a book once called something like "Why Men Don't Listen & Women Can't Read Maps" which isn't anything like as sexist as its intentionally provocative title suggests ;) But it goes into evolutionary history a bit, and why on average women tend to/need to use more spoken words in a day by something like 4000 compared to men. We'd joke about this sometimes when he's come home mentally exhausted after too many meetings & being about 5000 words 'over spoken' and I'd have about 11,000 still to get out after perhaps barely opening the door to a postman & maybe saying 10 words at a checkout in a shop. It can create a real friction point in the evenings, as well as during long, lonely days with 2 tinies, so it's good to acknowledge it & keep it lighthearted if you can!

I feel for you, as the weather has been about as crap as it was during my first maternity leave, which makes it harder/so much less appealing to get out. But even going to a playground, you're likely to end up chatting to some other random parent pushing swings, even if you don't have a pre-arranged plan to see friends of your own. If you're up to it, stick a couple of old towels in the pushchair, put kids into puddle suits & just go. (personal learning point worth sharing - don't put them right at the top of a big slide in a rain suit without drying it first, the combination means they accelerate to about Mach 3 and they might shoot straight through your legs and bump out 2 metres away at the bottom 🤦‍♀️ still, it will be a conversation starter with anyone else braving the rain about what a health & safety conscious parent you are 😘)

Hang in there & keep figuring out wats to get your word count up, you've got this!

cramptramp · 13/03/2026 10:41

He’s at work. There is no need to contact you.

MeandT · 13/03/2026 10:46

cramptramp · 13/03/2026 10:41

He’s at work. There is no need to contact you.

Or this, obviously.

But then, a 3 minute phone call is so much less draining on the family finances than inpatient treatment for post-natal depression, or a divorce - so maybe OP's husband has got the better balance ♎️ f the situation in current circumstances to be kind to his wife & support her through a tricky period after all 🤷🏼‍♀️

SleepingStandingUp · 13/03/2026 10:53

That's a lovely update Purple, I'm glad you are starting to feel more in control over your loneliness. It hard when they're small but even if DH messages you hourly, you need your own friends, your own circle, your own fun. Can he have the kids one night whilst you go out for dinner with some old friends?

Lurkingandlearning · 13/03/2026 12:21

I was just about to post the same as @ErlingHaalandsManBun

@Purple100 I’m glad posting here has made you feel a little better and I hope the groups you’re going to join make your maternity leave more enjoyable for you 💐

lilkitten · 13/03/2026 12:35

I wouldn't think it was necessary. We only do it if it's urgent. I'll see him when we're home, I just focus on what I'm doing during the day. However, when the DC were small and I was on my own with them all day, I would get very stressed - I would just be keen that he was home when I expected him, to take the load off a bit, but I think he just used to ring when he was on the commute.

saffy2 · 14/03/2026 18:25

Mat leave can be so lonely. With my first I never went anywhere or did anything and I really struggled. With the other 2 I’ve carried on as normal really (I’m a childminder so always out and about and with people) past the first couple of weeks.
i really do think it will help. I didn’t struggle with the other 2 in the same way at all. I really feel company but also fresh air is life savingI agree with you, I don’t really feel this is about connecting with him, but more that you’re feeling alone.
connection with him will return. But you know that as this is your second. You’re in the slog. But it gets easier and you two will go back to what you were. In the meantime you need to go to toddler groups and sit and drink coffee with other mums while your kids burn off energy without burning you out! That’s the entire reason these groups exist, because we all feel the same way you’re feeling. ❤️
I hope you’re feeling better x

Ileithyia · 18/03/2026 18:21

That’s a lovely update @Purple100, im
glad he’s taken you seriously, and wants to help. I hope you find some baby & toddler groups to go to and feel a little less isolated soon.

Purple100 · 18/03/2026 23:11

Thank you everyone who replied, It’s helped me massively. First it made me realise I was actually quite lonely, secondly it helped me put into words how I felt and I was able to tell DH exactly how I felt without blaming him. A few things have changed since I spoke to him. He now makes an effort to contact me everyday, even just a good morning phone call on his way to a job or a quick message in the afternoon checking in. I know that he’s doing this, not because he needs to contact me , but because I made him aware of how I was feeling. I know he’s doing this to help me right now. I must help myself too, which is why I’m starting the baby groups again. We went to a fantastic baby sensory group this morning and just having a chat with a couple other mums made me feel normal again.

OP posts:
JustGiveMeReason · 19/03/2026 00:47

That's a lovely update @Purple100

trebeco · 19/03/2026 02:01

This resolved very maturely! Good old fashioned communication and care for one another. And OP listened to advice and processed it thoughtfully. I think I need a lie down..

PearlClutchUser · 19/03/2026 04:58

You guys sound like you have a beautiful relationship

Newgirls · 19/03/2026 11:00

Fantastic! I felt really lonely when my kids were little and getting out was vital. Even an hour in the crèche at gym helped so I could feel more normal. Baby didn’t love it but I needed it. Sun is out too so that will help 😀

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