AIBU to expect a call / text during day while DH is at work?

[Purple100]

Quick one
DH job is in civil engineering so very hands on and gets dirty. He drives to different areas around the country and will have short breaks during the day between jobs. Some days he won’t contact me at all until finishing around 5pm or later, most times it’s because I’ve left him a few missed calls and he asks what’s wrong. I would just like a text or a call to say morning or to check in. We have a 4 year old and a baby. AIBU?

When our kids were newborns I think he checked in occasionally but once we got past that stage never unless one of us was at home with a very sick child, if they just had a cold/sniffles and we were keeping them off nursery/school then I wouldn’t expect a check
in.

This is different most of your messages are for a purpose. She just wants a chat. I work for my husband now so different but previous. I would send messages like this. But I wouldn’t be blowing his phone up for a chat cos I was bored at home with the kids.
messages like, we need milk. Did you see about x, he used to message when he was leaving work cos he would cycle home along a busy road. But just calling cos can’t be doing that

I hadn't really noticed that actually. You're correct in a way. Sometimes it is just random chat but mostly it is for an actual purpose or question one of us sort of half needs answered in a timely manner. But equally sometimes I just tell him cute things the kids have said or done or send a photo or he'll tell me about a dog he's met or something 😂

I dont mean to sound harsh but you need to join some baby groups and get yourself some friends! Is the 4 yr old at home too?
I also think if youre ringing him like that youre going to get yourself into a crying wolf situation if an emergency does actually happen.

I dont understand needing to have an actual chat during the work day but I do get how lonely mat leave can be. Get yourself out there! Set yourself up things that happen weekly almost every day so you have different things to do.

Even if your exchanges were all random chatter I don't think it would horrify anyone - or at least not me - because presumably both you and your DH enjoy that level of contact. And if OP had come on here and posted "My DH and I call or text a few times per day while he's at work because that feels natural to us and I find it helps me feel less isolated while home with the DC, but one of my friends mentioned that she and her husband only talk during work if necessary... am I being too needy?" then the answer would be that they should keep doing what works for them. Just like you and your DH should.

But OP asked if she is wrong to expect a call just to check in every day, and her DH doesn't seem to enjoy chatting/checking in during his workday. That's a very different question, and it's one that frames her DH's preference as potentially wrong. I think a lot of posters are responding directly to that question - no, it's not wrong for a spouse not to phone just to check in on the other on routine work days.

There's also nothing wrong with OP feeling isolated or a little left behind during mat leave. I think that's a need she can ask for some help filling but that conversation will be more productive if it doesn't start from the assumption that someone is failing or doing something wrong.

I think you are being unreasonable. me and my DH would never call during work unless there was an emergency. If I was at work and saw missed calls from DH I would definitely be in an utter panic as would assume he would only have done that if something bad had happened.

I had a friend who was called out at work for always getting messages from her other half. It was an abusive relationship as they were always asking what they were doing

apart from pick up some bread you shouldn’t be expecting a reply during working hours

Why? I genuinely don't understand. This "checking in" thing is bullshit. You're fine - he's fine. No need to check.
My husband had a job where he could be away for a couple of days, regularly.. it never occurred to me that he should phone me because, you know what, he was working. And when he wasn't working he was knackered.....why would he waste his time on trivial chit chat? OP, you upset me, because an outlook like yours tars all wives with the same brush, whereas most of us are strong, resilient adults.

Are you this needy generally?

It would be nice. When my DH was a painter/decorator he managed a couple of texts and occasionally a video call if he was sitting down to a break to chat to the kids when they were little. Now he's a teacher there's much less chance which is understandable.

Thank you for the replies, I’ve read every single one. I spoke to him last night and he prefers things quite direct so asked me what is it exactly I want. I told him right now I just need to feel more connected and a quick call or text in the morning or whenever he can would help. So, him being him he’s called this morning at 7 to say hello and texted this afternoon checking in.
I know that he’s done this because I’ve asked for it. I know deep down he probably would be OK with us not talking all day. I understand he’s busy and I will probably understand more when I’m back to work. I don’t think it’s something he’s going to carry on, he’ll be busy and forget. I don’t want him to see it as a chore. My post has made me realise though that I am probably feeling needy at the moment and I’m missing adult interaction. I think I need to get a bit of a life and not be stuck in this same routine. I know the local groups around my area because I went to them with my first, I just haven’t been with the second but it’s definitely something I need to do.

That’s a really positive step @Purple100, and even if he doesn’t manage to do it every day, it’ll keep you going until you get into a routine of going out to baby groups etc. And, if he forgets, you can text him around lunch time to ask him how his day is going, it’s a gentle nudge to remind him to check in with you too. Maybe a WhatsApp with a picture of the children, at their activity or what ever you’ve done that morning. Small steps, it’s just about staying in touch and letting each other know you are thinking about them.

I think it is mat leave boredom. I used to work very early and leave without waking my husband and would be without my phone the whole shift. He only once phoned me and that was an emergency. He's a teacher so can rarely contact me until he's home in the evening.

I only actively converse with my hubby throughout the work day when it's about the kids or something urgent. Otherwise I WhatsApp him and don't expect an answer straight away. If he doesn't get back to me I follow up when we see each other.

I work in the same building as my other half and we rarely contact each other during the day (different departments).

I'm wondering if the OP has "suspicions"

This Is nuts. You seem very needy or bored. Go see friends! Unless you don't see him or spend time together it's unreasonable. I don't ever speak to my dh whilst at work unless there is an issue or emergency. It's strange you think he should

YANBU.
Well i feel I'm in the minority here for sure but I hear the Op.... she wants connection.
This is fine if the other half wants that too.
Stuck at home with 2 kiddos, yes probably best to go to some toddlers meet ups etc. But she still wants connection with her dh.
They're a partnership, why can't they check in during the day without it being needy...?

Not sure it will happen Op, but i get where you're coming from.

My fiancée is a text in the day kinda guy. I’m not. I’ll see him when he gets home why do I need to hear from him throughout the day?! After 10 years together it seems unnecessary.

Guy perspective here. Doesn’t take 30 seconds to send a loving message or one minute for a quick no agenda call. It’s excuses he is too busy all day when there will likely be banter with mates, phone scrolling and daydreaming that we all do unless we are robots.

You need to get out more with the children - you are totally unreasonable and could end up putting his job at risk if you are constantly calling and expecting him to do the same

I can’t relate to this need in you at all, but I’m sure I have needs and expectations in my relationship that you don’t, and that’s the point. We are all individual and some issues for us are the hill we will die on, other things would be nice but we can let it go. I guess you have to decide how important this is to you as to whether you feel it’s a reasonable ask of your partner or not. If it were me, I’d want to encourage him to be really honest about whether he’d like this too, or whether it feels like a bit of a duty. I’m sorry but I think I’d experience it as the latter - a lot of jobs are all consuming. Hopefully you can find a compromise that suits you both.

Yes yabu. My partner and I rarely contact each other through the day, unless we need to say something. We are busy. We have 3 children, 16, 7 and almost 2. I still don’t expect him to be checking up on me while he’s at work!!

Why do you have may leave boredom and loneliness? Are you staying in a lot? Maybe you should try and get out more. Toddler groups, library, walks out, cafes etc. just be places. And even better if it’s places you can speak to adults, even better again if those adults are other mums.
i suspect you’re spending your time at home and that’s not great anytime by definitely not during Mat leave. You need to get out and about more and you’ll benefit I think.

That would do my nut in. You’re unreasonable. sorry

YABU