I think DH should give up on his business

[changedmynameagainforthis]

I’ve posted about this a few years ago. DH quit his job at the end of 2022 after a serious health thing and deciding he wanted to do something completely different. He’s now working as something like a therapist (being vague as outing).

The problem is he is not earning anything enough. When we take into account his business costs we are in the minus for the current tax year.

I work full time with a baby and 2 older primary age children. Earning around 60k. We have a hefty mortgage, so DH has asked his parents to help us out while “he finds his feet with the business”. They have given us thousands and thousands of pounds. I am super uncomfortable about it, but I can’t support a family of 5 by myself with the costs we have. They contribute about 1/3 of our household costs at present. I pay 2/3.

Here is the problem. I think DH should get a job and pay his own way. DH thinks there is no problem, everything is paid for, so why should he.

In a way he is correct, everything is paid for. But I am so resentful. I hate having most of the responsibility, whilst also doing all the baby night wakings (DH can’t because of health condition…). When I got pregnant with baby the aim was I’d go back to work part time. That obviously hasn’t happened.

I don’t know how to get him to see that this isn’t working for me. Anyone got a way of making him see that his parents paying his way isn’t ok? Or am I missing the point entirely and he’s right?! Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

@Jellycatspyjamas when my H set up on his own having done what he does now as an ‘add on’ to a full time job he was earning £5k a month within 6 months - to be fair 20 years later it’s around £8-9k a month or so and we both work in it - but it’s consistent . Certain businesses do take a while to build but after 3 years it’s unlikely to suddenly make an actual living if it’s not taken off by now unless it was something very unique that could be sold on - straight forward service industry- no

I still think you should get a lawyer consult as to what splitting up would look like before you have this sit down.

Then when you're clear on what a divorce would look like for you, you sit down with him and review his job performance as a husband and a father. What his hobby and his mentor are taking away from the family. He's investing more there than in your kids and home and future. That would be my hill to die on and it's time to be done.

He's a failure. Are you prepared to stay on like this with your husband sucking you dry and your kids do without things they could have because he's selfish and lazy? What if you get some kind of tax bill because your in laws are providing a third of your income? The longer you stay, the more claim he'll have on everything you've worked for. It's pretty clear he thinks he doesn't need a pension because his retirement plan is his parents, then you, then your kids. All that is at the expense of your children.

So with nursery at £500 a month, £6k to the scamming mentor plus website and other costs, this “business” is costing your household over £12k a year! With £60k (plus his parents’ contribution) coming into the household before tax, that’s a huge chunk of your money being spent on a vanity project.

I went self-employed a few years ago. I made sure I had enough savings in the pot to cover my 50% of household running costs before I jumped. And I gave it two years for it to work, or I was going to find another job. He needs to see that this is not working. If he is desperate to continue, he needs to confine it to 1-2 days a week and get a job the rest of the time so he is contributing to the household.

Ooooh I'd be so tempted to announce I'd handed in my resignation as I was burnt out, or that I'd been made redundant, to see what his reaction would be. The problem is I'm pretty sure his reaction would be to shrug his shoulders, sell the house and live off the equity for a couple of years until it runs out. The real problem is that if he is happy to live in a campervan and home school, you will always know he's not really ever going to be bothered about providing for his family. He doesn't care if you or the kids don't want that. He'll make out you're a gold digger if you want any higher living standards than a campervan.

There's sooo much to say, I dont know where to start. But one thing for sure is DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE to release the equity. All you will be doing is lowering your living standards and eroding your assets and you'll never get them back. He will piss all your assets up the wall until there's nothing left.

As to worrying whether you would end up being ordered to support him after a divorce, I don't know BUT I do know that it would still be better than continuing this charade.... you will 100% be better off without him financially and emotionally. The sooner you split the better. And I'm sure no judge would be so foolish as to not see through his laziness and self indulgence.

I'd be worried about his parents too. It sounds like they need protecting from themselves. They are not making the best decisions. Perhaps they are as bad as him in that regard? What if they need money for care in a few years, or start to resent the money they have given away? It's a recipe for disaster.

You need to get angry OP, and get serious with him. You need to be clear and set boundaries. It's really important that you let him know he cannot string you along any more.

How on earth would he homeschool if he cannot manage a couple of night wakings, and needs you to pay for childcare in the daytime??

If it’s along the lines of therapist, the. I’m not sure why the costs are high. Can he not charge his business model and visit people in their homes - no premises needed for example?

Surely most people would run a business like this part time alongside another business until they’d built their client base and were making a profit? He needed to consider what the minimum viable product was - he should revert back to that to take the risk and cost out of it.

So that’s ridiculous. He needs to tell you which hours of the day he’s dedicating to the business- which are client facing and which are admin. The rest off the time needs to be in work and looking after children. Paying for childcare is insane in this scenario

It’s not a therapist, sadly. This guy has got involved in a MLM-type life coaching scheme. I have a ‘friend’ who does it, she’s higher up the tree, it’s a scam.
All she does is ‘recruit’ people to train to life coach and they pay her a fee. Then they only earn when they ‘recruit’ people. Rarely does an actual client get coaching.
She was very understanding when I had a parent dying in a hospice so much so that she offered to come in and have a cuppa with me.
I had no idea what was going on until she started talking about a great ‘opportunity’ for me. Then it clicked.
I asked her to leave.
I was a bit upset and told my lovely dad who was like skin and bones but still a joker.
He told me I should have brought her into him, he’d have gone through the whole recruitment process. He could offer life coaching in the hospice. To be fair, he was hilarious. ‘Right Maureen, you’ve got two weeks left, what are your life goals?’
These people are trained to spot vulnerable people, too.

Your 'friend' is a fucking ghoul who's lost any shred of humanity or compassion. I hope you binned her off.

Your dad, OTOH, sounds absolutely fabulous. Being that funny in that setting - he must have been a really special man.

He was an absolute treat.
The friend? Ten years on still on socials, laptop images, ‘just adjusting my diary’ girl boss vibes. They have all moved on to being ‘travel agents’ now.
There was a great documentary on the BBC about MLMs and the training footage was shocking - recruit vulnerable people, lonely people, unemployed people desperate for work.

Forgive my ignorance, but what is MLM?

Thats it exactly.
I know if needed I have plenty of work available as a lampy. And I do some, but only the ones I choose to do.
What i don't do is long tours or anything overseas. When the kids are older I may take on a few but for now I treat it as a nice safety net and a professional hobby that pays.

For my business day to day I work with companies to build working plans on how to expand and maximise efficiency. I have several colleagues who take these companies through investment or sale of.

Very different to live music but the work ethic is the same.

I see so many small companies especially in the "wellness" industry who want work to come to them and often fail to even begin to build a plan for expansion. What all of them fail to realise if they want the easy life. Work your arse off for the first few years and expand, hire, delegate. Take investment and advice on diversification. Then sit back and take it easier while others work for you or build to the point where you can sell up and retire.

MLM stands for ‘Multi Level Marketing’, ie pyramid selling. Ie. People get income from selling products, but also recruiting others to sell products, and then you get a (very) small percentage on top of your sales. So for every £100 they make, you may get one pound extra. Also, you encourage them to recruit more people.

Ah yes thanks for the explanation. I see plenty of people who masquerade as successful business owners when they're just being conned. Usually they have to go on benefits to make up the losses. Or on the case of OP DH, sponging off family.

@changedmynameagainforthis how was the weekend? Hope you managed to have a good Mother's Day, despite the current shitshow.

@AnonymouseDadyep that’s exactly how it is .

I’m back! We had a chat. It initially didn’t go great, but we have sort of come to an agreement that I need to see x amount of revenue by June. If not, he will have to get a part time job while he continues building his business.

I will keep you posted on whether this actually happens. I am not holding out huge amounts of hope. But in the meantime I am quietly exploring future options in case it doesn’t work out, sorting out the baby’s sleep and generally taking more time for myself. I’m going for dinner with a friend next week and may talk about this IRL which will be nice.

Thank you all for your input. For those concerned about MLM I don’t think this is the case, but I have strongly expressed my concerns about the value of this guy.

Well done @changedmynameagainforthis . I'm glad you're doing what will be good for you, no matter what happens with your husband. Good luck to you

Good to have a timescale on it. Thanks for updating 🙂

Oh God, darling. No! It's been too long for him to still be doing freebies! Like, if you think about any other service I can't imagine still doing it for free. Sure, do a cheaper rate while you're training and building up skills. Or, like one of my mates who's training in something at the moment - she does the training 2 days a week and works a job 3 days a week to pay her bills and for the training because long term she'll be able to move to doing the thing she's training in full time.

Can't believe he had the audacity! The gumption! The gall! to pay for a sauna session?! Madness! Like, when I was working part time because our children were much younger or when I was on mat leave, I did free exercise things like running outdoors or using our exercise bike in the house.

Jeez. This guy!

You've been very generous to give him until June. Hopefully you've good reason to trust that he's going to change.

Is the agreement written down anywhere? He’ll go back on it and say that you were confused about it. Text/message him what the agreement is and get him to reply acknowledging that it’s correct. Screenshot it and save it somewhere he can’t access it, like your email.

Astounded that you have agreed to this. It’s just kicking the can down the road.
he should be getting the part-time job now whilst trying to build revenue. He has the capacity and time to do this - just not the executive functioning to coordinate it all. I feel you’re a bit of a pushover.

Good luck @changedmynameagainforthis . I won't be surprised if some unexpected event / excuse crops up in June for him to justify why he needs another extra month(s) to be bringing in money. So maybe think about how you'll handle that if it happens.

And he’ll be too busy ‘working’ to find time for a new job. Or the jobs won’t be suitable. Or paid too low, Or the wrong hours , etc

Op - In June, you will need to sit and update his CV with him, go through job sites, make him apply etc . Don’t believe him when he tells you he’s doing it