I think DH should give up on his business

[changedmynameagainforthis]

I’ve posted about this a few years ago. DH quit his job at the end of 2022 after a serious health thing and deciding he wanted to do something completely different. He’s now working as something like a therapist (being vague as outing).

The problem is he is not earning anything enough. When we take into account his business costs we are in the minus for the current tax year.

I work full time with a baby and 2 older primary age children. Earning around 60k. We have a hefty mortgage, so DH has asked his parents to help us out while “he finds his feet with the business”. They have given us thousands and thousands of pounds. I am super uncomfortable about it, but I can’t support a family of 5 by myself with the costs we have. They contribute about 1/3 of our household costs at present. I pay 2/3.

Here is the problem. I think DH should get a job and pay his own way. DH thinks there is no problem, everything is paid for, so why should he.

In a way he is correct, everything is paid for. But I am so resentful. I hate having most of the responsibility, whilst also doing all the baby night wakings (DH can’t because of health condition…). When I got pregnant with baby the aim was I’d go back to work part time. That obviously hasn’t happened.

I don’t know how to get him to see that this isn’t working for me. Anyone got a way of making him see that his parents paying his way isn’t ok? Or am I missing the point entirely and he’s right?! Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

Well that makes absolutely no sense given he isn't earning anything.

I hope Im wrong but I dont get a sense from your responses OP that you are up for this battle yet. You seem to have accepted that he’s a man child and to some extent thats on you. I realise with working full time and raising three kids,you probably feel like you have no energy to stand up to this, but you do need to .Not least because of the terrible example it sets for your kids.

You need to stand up to his parents, call him out and protect yourself from this leech.

He's absolutely trying to make you feel bad and more importantly to shut up. Unconditional love is for children.

Adult romantic love comes with expectations and boundaries. It is not I have to suck up everything you do.

It's not a bad or shallow thing to care about financial security or an uneven distribution of labour. It's not bad or shallow to expect a spouse to be a partner.

OP I think the way to make him see that things aren't working is to tell him that things aren't working for you. That he's broken his promises to you and failed to step up since the baby was born. I would start referring to his "business" as a hobby and as him being unemployed. Unenroll your DD from nursery and tell him you are no longer prepared to spend 500 a month on nursery so that he can pursue his hobby and you're going to to take 500 a month for treats for yourself for a while instead.

Also, since you're trying to wean, tell him he's going to have to suck up the bad sleep for a few months, because in order for it to go smoothly his DD needs him at night, not someone she thinks will feed her. It's not just his life expectancy that's shortened by lack of sleep.

You've been talking to him for months (years?) and he isn't "seeing" it. I think you need to start acting the way you feel.

He sounds very unattractive OP. I absolutely could not live with a man who still lives off his parents as a married man with 3 kids.

For the record, I have a relapsing autoimmune illness, but still manage to work enough to be able to keep a roof over mine and my Childs head, have holidays and savings etc. Depending on the illness, he is really having you on!

Is he the primary carer? Does he take the kids to school, pick them up, buy their clothes, make the doctors appointments, cook every night, help them with homework, do all the sick leave, look after them in the holidays?

I'm currently doing all the nights because I'm breastfeeding & husband is rubbish with no sleep, but I wake him up at 6am and he does a bottle feed and then gets older son ready and off to school so I can sleep in, also does dishes, tidying etc. I really hope you aren't doing absolutely everything on your own, because that is unacceptable.

Hilarious isn't it. "You should love me unconditionally even though I'm behaving completely ridiculously for a married father of three small children and currently contributing sweet FA to the household and children that I wanted and expecting you to carry everything".

The autoimmune illness is a red herring. OP says he's not even on meds and is fine health-wise so no reason at all he can't get a full time job. He just doesn't to because he's happy bumming off his parents and sitting on his arse all day.

Realistically it often takes a while for businesses to start making a profit so if your partner had/has health issues and retrained in something new I can understand why he does not want to give this up.

I would work out a compromise wher he gets a steady part time job as an employee and continues to develop his business. Also have a serious conversation about making sure he contributes equally to childcare and home admin.

If he does not want to contribute at home and improve his earnings then I would reconsider the relationship.

He can’t be working full time trying to build a business and see himself as primary carer - sounds 50-50 at best - calling himself primary carer is an admission that his business ideas have failed

if you want to save this, you probably need to get the family together- him you and his parents and say you want to talk about the fact that the business is not working and tell them you think it’s wrong to take any more money becuase the business has failed but you may need short term help
while he finds a job

It’s tough to accept it could be over I guess.

He doesn’t do nothing around the house. He cooks 70% of the time, washes up probably more than half the time, does probably half of the pick ups/drop offs.

I do most of the mental load, world book day shite for example, all the washing, cleaning that’s not washing up, dealing with bills, appointments for kids, after school club etc. Frankly the house is a bit of a shit tip at the moment! Last on my priority list.

to be fair, there is solid research that shift workers for instance can be more prone to autoimmune conditions and flares of the conditions. Melatonin and cortisol disruption can contribute to flares. However, that does not mean that they cannot do it. It needs structuring to get enough rest and nutrition, which this man certainly has time for at the moment!
£1000 a month thrown away on childcare and a "mentor" though has no justification. Sounds like he has created himself a fantasy world to live in and people are enabling it (e.g. parents) or exploiting it (e.g. mentor) around him. He's making the OP the bad guy for pointing out reality.

I agree that you need to go through your finances with him again and raise the issue of when his parents can no longer cover 1/3 of your bills- because they’re obviously not incredibly wealthy and there definitely will be a point when they can’t help him anymore.

I’d start the conversation by calmly explaining that you’re stretched to breaking point with your work and home responsibilities, that you need more support. It sounds as if it’s all been about supporting him since his health scare- but you’re not Wonder Woman, you provide everything for everyone.

Any talk of living in a campervan, etc. isn’t acceptable, your children deserve a stable home, not being forced to live in a van! Adults can live how they want, but parents need to put their children’s welfare first.

Edited to say that my Mum was diagnosed with a serious autoimmune condition when I was a toddler, which gradually restricted her mobility. She still parented and worked p-t in a job that made money.

Your problem is you can't actually make him do anything.

The current situation is working really well for him.

He doesn't seem to care that it does not work for you.

He is living in cloud cuckoo land about his business as that suits him. He likes the status quo.

Are you prepared to leave him? If you are tell him that how he is behaving is a deal breaker and you will leave if he does not get a job.

Consult a lawyer, but my guess is that if you leave him now, despite it being expensive, it will be cheaper than waiting five years and divorcing him then. When he may be seen as more dependent and in a worse financial state.

Horrible situation OP. I really feel for you.

What health condition has he got?

Oh god, is this the ADHD consultant? It all just sounds familiar from some other thread. YANBU anyway. He can do what he wants, i suppose, but he can't insist you stick with him regardless.

Well indeed. But there are plenty of jobs he could do if he wanted to. But why would he?

He's going to lose a lot more years when you whack him over the head with a shovel for being an arsehole

I did nights with my children and I’m the one with the life limiting autoimmune disease 🤷‍♀️
I didn’t have a choice, if he can’t work he shouldn’t be paying the mentor or nursery fees at the very least.

Is he ill anymore?

This is true

Nope that wasn’t me! He’s not an ADHD consultant but it’s something I could see him trying!

You’d be better off if he gave up the vanity project and did nothing. £500 a month on childcare for the privilege of racking up more debt. He needs to get out of cloud cuckoo land. I don’t know if a house husband would work out for you, it wouldn’t for me but then again I couldn’t bring myself to share a bed with a man who goes to his parents with his begging bowl to pay for his family expenses. Utterly ridiculous and I really feel for you here because I fear he is deeply entrenched in his fantasy.

I wish I could give you some magic advice, OP, but there isn't any. A normal adult would see that money is a necessity of modern life. You cannot house, feed, clothe and care for a family on thin air. If a business person cannot see that if their business hasn't made money in 3 years, they have no investors and no plan to upscale, pivot or do more to bring business in, that it's time to give up, there really isn't any hope. Small start-ups that plan to scale can temproarily run at a loss because they have savings/family money/investors to fund them until they get to the point where they're breaking even or earning profit. One man bands can't afford to be running at a loss for so long and doing nothing about it. He needs to wake up, ditch the guru 'mentor', write a proper business plan, market himself AND get AT LEAST 1 part time job to bring in some cash.