I think DH should give up on his business

[changedmynameagainforthis]

I’ve posted about this a few years ago. DH quit his job at the end of 2022 after a serious health thing and deciding he wanted to do something completely different. He’s now working as something like a therapist (being vague as outing).

The problem is he is not earning anything enough. When we take into account his business costs we are in the minus for the current tax year.

I work full time with a baby and 2 older primary age children. Earning around 60k. We have a hefty mortgage, so DH has asked his parents to help us out while “he finds his feet with the business”. They have given us thousands and thousands of pounds. I am super uncomfortable about it, but I can’t support a family of 5 by myself with the costs we have. They contribute about 1/3 of our household costs at present. I pay 2/3.

Here is the problem. I think DH should get a job and pay his own way. DH thinks there is no problem, everything is paid for, so why should he.

In a way he is correct, everything is paid for. But I am so resentful. I hate having most of the responsibility, whilst also doing all the baby night wakings (DH can’t because of health condition…). When I got pregnant with baby the aim was I’d go back to work part time. That obviously hasn’t happened.

I don’t know how to get him to see that this isn’t working for me. Anyone got a way of making him see that his parents paying his way isn’t ok? Or am I missing the point entirely and he’s right?! Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

Live in a campervan?! With 3 children?! I would laugh in his face if he suggested that to me and point him in the direction of a job website.

OP there is absolutely no reason why he can't go back to work other than the fact he doesn't want to and feels he is tied to this cult commitment.

When you said ‘therapist’ I thought that’s a decent career right now as so many people are turning to private therapy. But that involves qualifications and being a member of the BACP.
Life coaching? I know someone who is really successful at it. He was a barrister and now works with other professionals, goes into businesses, does workshops etc.
What your husband is doing is no different to all the travel agency MLMs out there. He’s being conned, and it’s not a career. It’s not even a hobby. You may as well set fire to money in your garden.
I am sure he is listening to podcasts about health, all the bells and whistles, gym, positive thinking but it’s all pie in the sky.
If he is well enough to work, he’s well
enough to get a job.
His parents are being conned and so are you.
You are all enabling him in his bullshit business.
He is using his health to hide behind and I have no sympathy if he is well enough to work.

Didn’t you sit down and go through all finances etc when you planned your 3rd ( or if it was a suprise)? I assume that’s when you both agreed you’d go back p/t.
Because surely thats when you had the discussion about how much he was bringing in, your discomfort about taking money from his parents etc.

If you did..then now you can sit down and show him those plans and explain he’s not keeping up to his side of the bargain etc and agree how to get back on track.

If you didnt , well now it’s coming back to bite you both. You’ll now have to sit down and work through all the finances afresh and show him how much he needs to earn to support your original plan and start to stand on your own two feet

He would absolutely think living in a campervan was fair to the children. He’d home school them if he could.

He's being scammed. Six fucking grand for mentoring. Jesus wept.

Of course it will...... 🙄🙄

Well divorce him and let him move into one.

Yes we did go through the finances when I got accidentally pregnant. I actually was strongly considering an abortion due to finances but was convinced it would be fine. And I guess it is, but only because the in laws have stepped in.

This "mentor" is clearly a total
waste of money if the business has been going all this time and still isn't viable.

And of course this "mentor"
is going to keep telling him he's on his way, that keeps the pennies flowing in his direction.

At best your husband is foolish and gullible. But he's happy to let you work yourself to the bone while he faffs about! Has he always been so dependent on his parents and lacking in self-respect?

I would probably weigh up the pros and cons of staying in a relationship with him & living together.
His mindset is very unattractive to me and I’d hate to have the pressure of being the breadwinner, while also raising three young children. I’d rather be on my own and have the kids 50/50. I’d manage my own finances and lifestyle without him taking up space. His nonchalance about his income would annoy me. I’d find it disrespectful of him towards his parents as well. He’s a user.

Well thats what you need to show him. I’d also be tempted to say to your ILs that from XXX date you no longer require any money. Could you do that? It even go to half what they normally give? He needs to feel the consequences otherwise he’ll continue to argue theres enough money - cos there is, its just not yours!

Ah, here it is, Lighthouse. I really hope it isn't this he's been swept up by @changedmynameagainforthis . Whatever it is, it sounds like you seriously need to consider taking steps to protect yourself and your children. At least taking professional advice, knowledge is power and all that

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001kvf8/episodes/player

I think given you've been chewing over this for a few years now it's time to shit or get off the pot.

The current set up isn't sustainable, financial instability, having to tap into the bank of mum and dad causes stress. He's got a cheek saying that you're only with him for the money.

You need to decide on whether to accept this setup or part ways. Even if that means moving to a cheaper area either way. He can go to his mother's and do his life coach crap from there.

You need to do your sums to see if you can run things on your own without the resentment in the background.

It sounds like this is perilously close to if not actually an MLM.

it can be very very difficult to extract people from these as they get sucked in.

rational arguments generally get you nowhere.

I’d suggest thinking about what you can do to slowly bring him round. Cancelling nursery and getting him to take care of your young child will naturally reduce massively the time he has and the headspace he devotes to it.

you could sell it as quality parental time etc etc.

Yes, we plan to go through the finances this weekend. The issue is I know he will say there’s no issue because the basics are covered.

I need to work out how to make him see it’s not acceptable to me. I thought about saying “fine I’m only paying half the expenses, you need to find the other half” but I know he’ll just ask his parents.

for those asking, his parents are not super wealthy, you’d describe them as well off though. They have never said no to any of their children though.

Yeah this line just screams projection doesn’t it.

He’s with OP for a cushy, paid for life!!

I would really struggle to respect him OP. What a plank.

He needs a severe reality check.

You’ve asked us how you can get him to see the reality of the situation. Do you have a spreadsheet with all your finances ( or could you put one together) that spells it out - in red ! - where the shortfall is. Explain what would happen if his parents stop contributing ..discuss what that would do to you as a family. Make sure it shows ALL his expenditure including hobbies etc so you can suggest stopping them in order to contribute more

The effect of this ( hopefully) is that the numbers will show him the only solution is for him to get another job.

Who does his tax returns by the way?!

I would shame him and ask if he is not embarrassed to let his mum and dad pay for his wife and 3 kids.

I’d then threaten divorce (and mean it) if he doesn’t get his shit together.

What’s your relationship with his parents like? Is he their Golden Boy or are you able to talk to them about how they are not actually helping even though being v generous?

And this really! He’s making me furious and I dont have to put up with his shit!

Are you able to speak to his parents yourself @changedmynameagainforthis ? To ask them how they feel about what he's doing and how they think his mental health is?

I need to work out how to make him see it’s not acceptable to me.

I think you have to be as blunt as this. And keep being blunt. And have boundaries and ultimatums that you will stick to.

MIL does the tax return 🙄

Ok thank you everyone. I was starting to doubt myself and think I’m a horrible person.

I will have a think about deadlines and if I can manage alone. The third child has really
screwed me with that.

This would be time for a come to Jesus talk for me.
I’d say sponging off his parents so he can do his hobby is making you want to end the marriage. You don’t want to carry him any more.
He has lied to you about stepping up with the toddler. So now he needs to either be a househusband and take care of the toddler full time and do his hobby on the side. But he cannot take any more money from the household income for it. Or he needs to pay 50% of everything and do 50% everything so more than you in the day because you do nights.

Otherwise you’re done. This would absolutely be the end for me.

Does he cycle a lot as well ? I see loads of blokes around here who seem to think it’s ok for the wife to be doing it all and steady job and they do ‘a bit of something’ but lots of time for cycling/gym etc - And yes I know there are plenty of women doing a bit of something and the bloke the main earner, but it’s rare the women would be doing not much at home either and using parents to sponge off