I think DH should give up on his business

[changedmynameagainforthis]

I’ve posted about this a few years ago. DH quit his job at the end of 2022 after a serious health thing and deciding he wanted to do something completely different. He’s now working as something like a therapist (being vague as outing).

The problem is he is not earning anything enough. When we take into account his business costs we are in the minus for the current tax year.

I work full time with a baby and 2 older primary age children. Earning around 60k. We have a hefty mortgage, so DH has asked his parents to help us out while “he finds his feet with the business”. They have given us thousands and thousands of pounds. I am super uncomfortable about it, but I can’t support a family of 5 by myself with the costs we have. They contribute about 1/3 of our household costs at present. I pay 2/3.

Here is the problem. I think DH should get a job and pay his own way. DH thinks there is no problem, everything is paid for, so why should he.

In a way he is correct, everything is paid for. But I am so resentful. I hate having most of the responsibility, whilst also doing all the baby night wakings (DH can’t because of health condition…). When I got pregnant with baby the aim was I’d go back to work part time. That obviously hasn’t happened.

I don’t know how to get him to see that this isn’t working for me. Anyone got a way of making him see that his parents paying his way isn’t ok? Or am I missing the point entirely and he’s right?! Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

OMG I would have bailed by now for sure. A man not being arsed to hold down a job is a massive dealbreaker for me. If my DH had done this, I would have walked. People can say 'oh but he was ill so couldn't cope' but the fact is that women can't just throw in the towel when they are struggling with being a mother, and all the wifework and gruntwork and drudgery, whilst often working themselves, (even if she is depressed and struggling and ill herself!) Women plod on! We HAVE to! Men don't get to check out when it suits.

CBA with irresponsible lazy men. It's all right some posters saying 'but what if a woman wanted to be part time or was a bit poorly and needed time off - and then wanted to try a new venture whilst the man brings home most of the money, I bet people would have a different attitude then?'

Well NO actually. It is different! The fact is, when MEN are part time or not working, they generally don't do anything else. They rarely do anything around the house, any life admin, any gruntwork or wifework, and very little with the kids! In every situation I have known of, a man who isn't working (or is part time) does absolutely fuck-all else. Women when they are part time workers, will do everything else.

So this 'wot if it was a woman' question is moot!

I would not tolerate a workshy man. I don't ask for or demand very much in life, but a man who works and brings in a decent wage is a must. Like fuck would I let a man hang around the house most of the day, trying to 'find himself' whilst doing fuck-all else and bringing hardly any money in.

I come from a family of generations of hard working men. Miners, military men, factory and foundry workers. Hard working men who worked from 14 or 15 years old to 65 years old, and rarely had a day off sick. It was not that rare for one of them to not have one single sick day in 10 years. So I have zero tolerance for men who don't want to work/won't or can't hold down a job!

And as for your husband being bankrolled by his parents?! A grown man with 3 children. That's actually embarrassing!

Seriously @changedmynameagainforthis it sounds like you'd be better off without this grifter.

And what's his back-up plan if his parents decide to stop funding him?

How do DH’s siblings feel about their brother being supported financially by your FIL and MIL. Would his brother (s) or sister (s) not object to their parents that they are subsidising your DH and your family and not them?

Good lord I’m so embarrassed for him.
Dont be a mug, op.

They support SIL as well. Complicated situation there. Not quite the same

Op, if these are the responses, to me he just sounds like a horrible horrible person. to respond to
‘im exhausted’
with
‘well we’re fine financially’
is just nasty.
you have asked how to talk to him, etc, how can you fix it etc but how can you make someone a decent person? You can’t. He knows you’re exhausted and - he doesn’t care. That’s the bottom line.
he just uses you, or his parents, and he just doesn’t care about anyone other himself.

If the business isn't earning him a full time wage then he needs to give it up.

You need to sit down with him and discuss how things can be split more evenly and that he needs to earn enough to cover his share. If he won't take it on board and you can't live like this, then the marriage is over.

I feel like that too to be honest

I think if you thought that, that is very indicative of the amount of gas lighting that has been going on in your house for a very very long time.

But you've chosen to have another baby in that time?! Why?

Accident. Couldn’t go through with an abortion. It was a terrible decision financially but I wouldn’t swap her for anything now. It is what it is

Also I was assured things would be better by now…

I couldn't be with a man who sponged off his parents so he could fuck around, it's just the most ickiest of icks to me, selfish, exploitative and revolting. What will happen when they cannot do this anymore and he has been out of work for 10 years so is unemployable?
Its very unfair OP.

What on earth?!

My suggestion would be this. Don't talk to him, talk to his parents.

Tell them how terrible you feel that they are having to support him like this, and that you are at the end of your tether because no matter how hard you work you can't earn enough to cover the bills. Tell them what he spends his days actually doing (going for walks, the gym, fannying about) and how little time he really devotes to his business.

Tell them that he is perfectly well enough to do an actual job that earns a proper income, but he doesn't want to because 'all the bills are covered' - ie he's happy for them to continue to fund his lifestyle and he sees no reason to change that.

I suspect that he's telling them he isn't well enough to work and they feel so bad about that they've decided to help out as much as they can.

I think it's time for proper ultimatum. His business has not taken off after 3 years. It does not sound like a business that needs several years of building up time and will then take off with a bang - if it's some stupid life coaching, he will never make money with it.

Ask him how he would feel if you also decided to quit the job and start up a business selling home made soap and candles, it will surely make money one of those years.

Seriously, there’s a whole other thread needed to cover this one 😅

Totally agree with Wallywobbles

Op can you just say that you can’t live with the self delusion? His business isn’t making money and it’s not ok to sponge off his parents forever and he isn’t doing enough to support you in the home either.

The biggest delusion of all though was when he said,

Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

How does he figure that when he isn’t earning any?

When he said I’m only with him for money, he meant that my love is conditional on money. I don’t know if he was trying to make me feel bad. It’s like he thinks there should be no conditions? But obviously unconditional love isn’t really a thing with adults

Maybe tell him that your love is conditional on him not being a lazy good for nothing fucker who's sponging off you and his parents and takes no responsibility for family life whatsoever.

Where is his unconditional love for you? He only loves you if you put up and shut up and keep exhausting yourself.

Oh for gods sake. He can't be that thick surely?!

Be very clear to him that his “business” is a hobby unless it is supporting your household. Keep using the term hobby. Repeat that his hobby is costing your family £500 on childcare that he could do instead of his hobby. Even if he hated what he used to do, he could do something else, less stressful for less money & it would at least help support the family. Ask him what will happen if you have a health problem that prevents you working. Ask him who will financially support his children to follow a hobby instead of work like he expects his parents to do for him. A business that can’t even cover a basic wage after 3 years is either not a viable business or he’s not a viable staff member.

sounds like his “business” has two members of staff/labour force. It’s paying one (the mentor) but has no income to pay the second (him) Neither are profitable. No other financial institution would finance his “business plan” Yet you and his parents are continuing to do so without any sign of things improving. MIL obviously has no financial sense if she can’t see an issue whilst doing his tax return. Is FIL more sensible? Does he know the full situation?
If he’s still got his head in the sand & continuing to hope for the best, then I’d start the discussion on how everything will look once you divorce. Good luck.

This.

My DH can't work currently as he's recovering from surgery on his leg (he works in a manual role) but he hates it as much as I do and is desperate to get better and get back to earning money.

Sitting round doing fuck all and bumming off his elderly parents isn't an attractive trait in anyone but certainly not a married father of three.

The thing I worry about with divorce is that he could argue he is primary carer, has no income
and needs more of the equity. I really need my half
of the equity to make it work financially.