I think DH should give up on his business

[changedmynameagainforthis]

I’ve posted about this a few years ago. DH quit his job at the end of 2022 after a serious health thing and deciding he wanted to do something completely different. He’s now working as something like a therapist (being vague as outing).

The problem is he is not earning anything enough. When we take into account his business costs we are in the minus for the current tax year.

I work full time with a baby and 2 older primary age children. Earning around 60k. We have a hefty mortgage, so DH has asked his parents to help us out while “he finds his feet with the business”. They have given us thousands and thousands of pounds. I am super uncomfortable about it, but I can’t support a family of 5 by myself with the costs we have. They contribute about 1/3 of our household costs at present. I pay 2/3.

Here is the problem. I think DH should get a job and pay his own way. DH thinks there is no problem, everything is paid for, so why should he.

In a way he is correct, everything is paid for. But I am so resentful. I hate having most of the responsibility, whilst also doing all the baby night wakings (DH can’t because of health condition…). When I got pregnant with baby the aim was I’d go back to work part time. That obviously hasn’t happened.

I don’t know how to get him to see that this isn’t working for me. Anyone got a way of making him see that his parents paying his way isn’t ok? Or am I missing the point entirely and he’s right?! Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

Has he claimed the losses against previous years’ income and got the tax back?

Oh who the fuck cares? And its not even true.

If he gave up work, without all it's attendant expenses and looked after the little one/s, saving the nursery fees, you'd have almost a grand disposable.

Could that help temporarily @changedmynameagainforthis ?

Doesn't address his reluctance to help support his family though long term.

If it doesnt affect him day to day why is he not doing night wakings?

It’s not a business it’s a hobby. He’s taking the piss.

The mentor stops now. No mentor worth their salt is working with a business that's not making money, and he can't afford one.

If he's only working for a few hours a day, nursery isn't a goer. Give him a deadline. What's the notice period at nursery? Two months? If he's not making AT LEAST what it costs for the nursery hours, after expenses, in two months time, then nursery goes and he'll have to fit his business around being childcare.

It says everything that he's jauntily going off to the gym and similar when he's supposed to be working, but not doing childcare.

I run a small business. It's a tough, tough environment for them right now and it's been hard for a few years. Not to mention that his sounds a bit dubious... but that aside, he has to not take the piss. Before mine was making any money, I had to do it around childcare for my 3 year old and newborn. Now I do it around my 1 year old, but my now 4-year-old goes to preschool for 2 days, which I fully cover the costs of. I'm now the main breadwinner, too, but that's by-the-by.

What you are going to have to accept, though, is that you can't make him do anything. So you can explain to him how you feel, and agree boundaries, but if he doesn't want to financially contribute and is happy coasting along on you and his parents money; while pretending to run a business, then there's not a lot you can do about that, other than planning to leave...

It’s not epilepsy. He does need to take care of himself, but he would be perfectly capable of doing his old job.

I’d be happy if he did 1/2 days a week of work.

Diabetes

Is this one of those MLMs where he pays a mentor 6k per annum but has mentees who pay him? If so, it is neither ethical nor ever profitable for 80% plus of those who do it.

Either way, if it is running at a loss after 3 years it is a non starter.

Ultimately, if he refuses to give up immediately and see sense, you should set him a deadline to turn a profit this financial year or job or at least looking after the children as you pursue your career.

He’s never really done nights. He always has been bad on no sleep and now he uses his health condition and says he will deteriorate if his sleep suffers.

But if you flip the genders there’s absolutely no way the DH earning the primary income would also be doing all the night wakes - health condition or not.

That’s why this experiment never really works. You can’t just flip responsibilities and escape patriarchy.

I was wondering if it was some kind of MLM. If so he is lucky to be almost breaking even.

If if is that kind of set up, it will be hard for him to see that he’s been had. There’s a lot of clever indoctrination and manipulation in MLMs.

He 100% is. This is exactly what I'm thinking.

He's a sucker

It’s not an MLM but I do think it is questionable. I’ve raised the idea of stopping it but he is not keen. He feels like this guy really is helping him and things just need more time to pick up.

It's a Ponzi scheme OP.
He's never making money from this.

He's in deep

Also to be fair to him, I’ve breastfed all 3 kids so some of the lack of night waking is due to that. He hasn’t always been able to help. He could help now I’m trying to night wean.

It’s not uncommon for people to find that a health crisis causes them to re-evaluate their life.

the head teacher at my old school after his heart attack had an affair and then left his wife and four kids to start a folk band in the Lake District.
he’s not a bad musician (posts his stuff all over social media) bud never sees his kids and his ex wife hates him.

obviously he is being unreasonable especially as you have a small child but getting him to see that might be tricky.

does he do proper accounts for his small business? Is he aware it’s making a loss and that it’s essentially being funded from family money?

his parents contributing to family finances is quite unusual. It does make me wonder about the health issue and how serious it actually is - if he’s got terminal cancer or the like then trying to force him into working when he expects to die soon wouldn’t be ok.

depending on what the health issue is could there be any chance of applying for disability benefits/early medical retirement if he is actually unable to work?

He needs a reality check.

Print out the moneysavingexpert budget planner and go through it together. Be realistic. Factor in those nice things you want to do, such as holidays, zoo trips etc, and see how the maths works out.

Then give him an ultimatum. Ie. If his ‘business’ doesn’t k generate £x by June 1st then he finds a job! And don’t be snobby about the job. It can take months to find a decent job, so he works at Tesco, becomes a postman, etc, until he finds ‘the job’, else you’ll have an unemployed cocklodger, rather than self-employed. And he steps up on childcare and household stuff now.

Are you sure? MLMs often deny they are MLMs.

if it’s not, it still sounds like the mentor is part of the problem, if not the whole problem.

That sounds like a programme that was on Radio 4 a few years ago. I can't remember the details now but a guy gave up everything to give his all to a man who talked at him all the time. Does that ring any bells with anyone?

Have you had a discussion with your husband about what he would do if you were to have an event that stopped you being able to work @changedmynameagainforthis ?

It’s an autoimmune condition. He doesn’t currently have any flares. He’s actually stopped taking any medication.

It’s not terminal. It could shorten his life expectancy by 5ish years according to ChatGPT depending on how it goes.

This is a good point about what we’d do if I couldn’t work. I will raise this.

I expect he’ll say we’ll sell the house and live in a campervan because we do have a fair amount of equity. Although at the current rate we spend, it would only last 10 years or so

A question to ask him with that answer would be "Is that fair for our children?".

does he do proper accounts for his small business? Is he aware it’s making a loss and that it’s essentially being funded from family money?

^ this from a pp is a really important question ^

is he doing his accounts and tracking his profit and loss?

if he’s not, it’s not serious business, and the mentor is possibly scamming him.