I think DH should give up on his business

[changedmynameagainforthis]

I’ve posted about this a few years ago. DH quit his job at the end of 2022 after a serious health thing and deciding he wanted to do something completely different. He’s now working as something like a therapist (being vague as outing).

The problem is he is not earning anything enough. When we take into account his business costs we are in the minus for the current tax year.

I work full time with a baby and 2 older primary age children. Earning around 60k. We have a hefty mortgage, so DH has asked his parents to help us out while “he finds his feet with the business”. They have given us thousands and thousands of pounds. I am super uncomfortable about it, but I can’t support a family of 5 by myself with the costs we have. They contribute about 1/3 of our household costs at present. I pay 2/3.

Here is the problem. I think DH should get a job and pay his own way. DH thinks there is no problem, everything is paid for, so why should he.

In a way he is correct, everything is paid for. But I am so resentful. I hate having most of the responsibility, whilst also doing all the baby night wakings (DH can’t because of health condition…). When I got pregnant with baby the aim was I’d go back to work part time. That obviously hasn’t happened.

I don’t know how to get him to see that this isn’t working for me. Anyone got a way of making him see that his parents paying his way isn’t ok? Or am I missing the point entirely and he’s right?! Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

It’s a serious health condition that currently doesn’t really affect him day to day. There is the possibility it could in future so he works to keep as healthy as possible.

We do pay £500 a month for nursery to allow him to work… yes I know that sounds ridiculous.

So we have an illness that allows him to do his hobby, go to the gym, walk a dog. But he can’t get up in the night or get a paying job?

and you have to ask if Yabu?!?

come the fuck on op. He’s using you and is a disgrace of a husband and father.

I can’t fully compare because I was part time back then. He definitely paid more than me when the older kids were small (I obviously did the childcare though).

Another man who’s prepared to see his wife work herself into the ground. Go it alone, he can go back to his mum and dad!

Are his parents so wealthy they can endlessly prop up your household or is there some sort of cut-off point?

I agree with pp. He's using you. He gets the life of Riley whilst you are working to the bone in all aspects of life.

And then live off your pension too!

I have no idea how long they’ll help for. The initial deal was a year but they’ve now extended.

Well, he's got no incentive to change has he. Mummy, daddy and his wife are all paying the bills (the former without any pressure or complaints) whilst he does exactly what he wants - in between walking the dog and going to the gym. This isn't acceptable or sustainable OP. It seems his health condition wasn't exactly life threatening and that he can do a proper job? No, fuck that OP. He needs a kick up the arse. I assume his parents think the sun shines out of his backside?

I am worried about the pension actually! I have a fear I’ll be working until I literally drop dead because we can’t live on my pension alone

Looking after his health is good, but is it at the expense of yours? Do you get time to go for a walk, go the gym etc?

Surely, he can work PT in a job and still run the business (PT because he surely can’t be seeing clients FT and still earning nothing).

Also he (maybe both of you) need to sit down and have a realistic look at his finances. Unless he’s getting no work or making ridiculously stupid financial decisions, I can’t see how he could be earning nothing at this stage in the game. If he is a therapist of sorts, many now work remotely, so he should have very limited overheads beyond professional registration, tiny bit of marketing (so much can be done for free), supervision, and insurance. Even if he needs to use a space, I can hire a therapy room ad hoc for £10 an hour.

When Dh started his business, he kept his FT job alongside for the first 3 months and did all the business setup evenings and weekends (with a 2 month old strapped to him in a sling). He left his job when he got to the point when the income from the business was approaching his salary. He rented a barn from a farmer to use as a business premises for £50 a month and he found bits and bobs on Marketplace to furnish it. That business turns over about £60k a month now. There was a degree of risk involved because you never know if things will carry on growing, but money was coming in before he quit his job.

I’m also very YOLO. I got cancer and had to give up my 20 year career and am now also going self-employed, so I get it. But I’m doing crap I don’t really enjoy to make money, while I build up the aspects the the business that will allow me to do what I do enjoy.

I get that most people think he’s being unreasonable but how do I get him to see this?

You need to sit down with him and say it's completely unsustainable running a household with 3 children on one salary and as nice as his dream was, it's clearly not working now and he needs to find a job.

What happens when his parents say they can't help out anymore? Because that won't be far off by the sounds of it (if they initially agreed to one year).

He needs to get another job and run his business along the side until he builds it up to a point he can focus solely on his business.

I have been self employed for the last 2 years, luckily my income has been a lot higher than it had been when I was employed, however its always in the back of my mind that if I lose a client/income I need to replace them or get a part time job elsewhere to make up for it.

DH and I are a team and I'd feel guilty having free time to do hobbies, exercise etc while he worked full time and I wasn't contributing.

This is what I would like him to do. A part time job
to cover some costs.

His business costs include 6k to basically a mentor person. Which is around what he has earnt this tax year. Then if you add on the other costs like website, insurance etc, we are out of pocket

We?

op, do you seriously want a future with this man?

what you’ve described to us is a man who is happy to watch you get up in the night with a baby, work full time etc to pay for the food he eats and the house he lives in, and the hobbies he enjoys. From what you’ve told us, he contributes absolutely nothing to yours, but you (and others) fund his entirely. And then is nasty to you and gaslights you when you raise it. This isn’t the actions of someone who loves you.

Is there a huge part you’ve missed out about how wonderful he is in other areas and/or you think he’s going through a temporary midlife crisis

It might be worth having the big conversation with a relationship counsellor or another party present so he can't start on about how you just want money.

If his parents agree with you, maybe they could join the talk. (If they're just blindly supportive, then not a good idea).

It sounds like he goes straight on the attack, instead of hearing you out.

I'd be considering divorce or downsizing in another area as next steps.

Is the illness epilepsy? Because if so, it is perfectly possible that he's well enough to go to the gym and walk the dog, but still needs to prioritise sleep to minimise the risk of seizures. If he has epilepsy I think that paints things in a different light and I don't think he's taking the piss not doing night wakings.

If his parents are happy to support him to try to make a go of his business, then on one level that's between him and them. But when you start a new business, it's very common to need to supplement your income with employment - DH and I run a successful business, but we still have a small amount of paid employment outside of that (DH does one day a week, and I do half a day a week) so we know our essential bills will be covered even if we have a bad month at our own company. Can your DH take a similar approach, and just do a day or two a week of paid employment? That way he will have a dependable income, but still have time to develop his own business.

My late Dh did have a condition which required proper sleep, or it could have deteriorated badly. That was a significant reason why we made some major choices, including Dh going self employed and then eventually becoming a full time house husband. In the end, his condition deteriorated frequently and it eventually killed him. Our lives felt penniless for a very, very long time.

His parents’ willingness to help out financially does suggest they understand what the illness is.

What I see here is you trying to raise three kids, the youngest of whom is a toddler, on 60k and working full time. Anyone is going to find that hard going. It is frankly very good news that his parents are helping out.

I do think you need a financial and emotional conference, both as a couple and with his parents, about what happens next. He’s not profitable yet and may never be. So what could that look like? Yes he has time to walk the dog, but at least you’re not paying a dog walker. (DH never, ever walked the dog, I did it twice a day before and after work). The conversation needs to go a lot deeper than ‘when will you make a profit’ and ‘next month I promise’. You could get a bit angrier, but you could also accept that things will look a lot better once the kids are all at school, maybe.

I'm going to guess that he got a health scare, started watching lots of "wellness" influencers online and now wants to be one. He has no defining USP, no great skills in marketing and is floundering.

He's trying to join a pyramid scheme and will remain at the bottom. The people who do well in this space are usually charlatans who don't care about evidence and have no qualms about overestimating their own skills and knowledge. That could be enough to make you lose respect for the man, but the fact that he has a family who need financial and practical support is appalling.

In terms of the business:
He's either taking in six figures and shelling out six figures and needs to spend time rationalising,
Or he's taking in a pittance so any expenses are unmanageable.
Either way, he needs to face facts.
He needs to contribute more or move out.
Honestly, three years is already too much. Let him sign over the house and move in with his parents.

It's a shame that he's had a health scare, but the thing is that when you hit middle age, many of us have gone through our own health scare or are affected by a friend or family member going through one. The adult response is to make realistic changes "life's short, I need to eat better, exercise more, reduce my stress" not to completely shirk your responsibilities, safe in the knowledge that your wife will carry the extra load. Honestly, he's being incredibly selfish and it'll continue until you force the issue.

Also, this situation should be causing him more stress than working, because he should not feel comfortable right now. The lack of concern over who's paying for his life choices is very concerning.

Could you have a chat with him and his parents to clear the air and determine how everyone sees the future? Maybe it's best if they say they'll stop contributing in x months.

People who run successful small businesses work their socks off to get up and running.

He needs to have a proper business plan, and be taking steps every single day to create new clients and hold on to the ones he has. His plan should have realistic financial forecasts too.

Otherwise he is playing at being a grown up.

How well do you get on with his parents? Could you chat with them in confidence, and let them know you feel uncomfortable about the financial aid, and ask their opinion on his business venture.

He may need to hear the truth from someone other than you. Often the case, ime.

Downsizing household or a job. Now!
There's no way I would pay bills with his family's money working hard while he realized himself having fun.I would consider to be a single parent. You would do fine on your own with your income.

He's in a coaching MLM isn't he?