wanting another baby

[hayley88]

iv got a son whos now one and i want to try for another baby. my partner says he does not want to at this moment in time but the reason is because of his mum and dad. Hes afraid that they will be to upset and disapointed in him. I have told him several time thats we are our own family now no-one elses opinion matters if we are happy then they should be. I say to him would u be happy if i got pregnant and he says yeah so i say well why cant we try......its really getting to me hes to concerned what other people think but all im concerned about is me and my family (my partner and child). i get lectured everytime i go to his house by his 15 year old brother sayin you cannot have another baby do you want to struggle all your life..... i dont struggle i cope very well and all i want in life is my family im sorry for blabbing on im just sick of everyone ruling our lifes and stopping us doing what we want to do im life.

agree with msdemeanor about the vileness of some attitudes to the OP on this thread.
Hayley, I would wait a bit untill your housing situlation is sorted before trying for another one, even if you TTC in a year or so you would still have your children pretty close together if you are wanting a smaller age gap,with your baby only just being 1 now.

Notdoingthehousework

I agree with you there. That is good practical advice and if Hayley thinks with her head and not her heart she could see that it makes sense to stay put and get herself into a better financial position.

My last post was really a reaction to the assumption that social housing should be for the desperate in society, and that anyone with higher aspirations should rent privately or buy. It's just not always that simple.

i know im a little late on this one but oh my gosh i am so shocked at the blatant nastiness and snobbery displayed by quite a few on here
yes there were a lot of good, honest comments made by those with experience but the picking at hayleys grammar and sniping about benefits etc was totally uncalled for. i have always had a somewhat rose-tinted view of mumsnet throughout the 3/4 years i have posted, sought support and given advice on these boards. how ugly it can be in the cold light of day.
i myself do agree that maybe now is not the best time to have another child and that a more stable, independent living situation would/should be a higher priority for the OP. i do, however remember her constantly saying that she is saving any spare money she and her DP earn and has £3000 tucked away to help towards her new home. she also said her DP is working hard to earn money for their family as is she. it is not an embarrassment to admit that a portion of her monthly income comes from tax credits/the benefit system. why else do we have a welfare state if not to help people who need it. not once did she say or imply in any way that she expected handouts (and i for one would have views against that being a full time working mother who also receives tax credits) i dont expect handouts but i am grateful for the extra money to ease some of the money issues involved in being a member of a lower income family.
why should the OP apologise for wanting a home for her and her family? if a house owened by the council is a viable option then why shouldnt she apply for one? she WILL be paying her rent and council tax, she WONT be relying on state handouts, she has received an education and worked fulltime until she had her child. now she still works and pays her way, albeit living with her family. why the hell shouldnt she? it is her buisness how much she pays in rent/keep to her mum and if it is minimal she has already said she is putting money aside for the future home/happiness of her family! it is not the buisness for bored women to critisise a young woman with a small child who is asking for some advise and/or friendship/comfort which is most likely the reason she posted in the first place.
i realise that alot of people have opinions and like to use them to bash other people about with, but a little bit of empathy and some niceties never did any harm. why drive someone away just because the 'school-yard' bullies think they dont fit in their clique??
we have all been in a difficult situation at some point possibly with a small child in tow and it is the support of the people around you that help you the most (i know this due to my own experience not just my own assumption) how about being supportive and not so biased get down from the high horses so many are sat on.
xx ei xx
(p.s. i put kisses because i always do not to p**s a few off)

OP is clearly a very headstrong and (sorry, Hayley) rather self-absorbed young girl, as a good many girls are at that age. If she cannot see your point of view, that is her age and inexperience speaking. There's never much need for being so unkind.

I presume there are many of you who would not touch her council flat with a barge pole, so I'm not sure why you would resent Hayley being 'entitled' to one. There isn't one person in this world who isn't 'entitled' to a house, imho. It's a fundemental human right, which is why councils provide them for those who cannot afford to buy.

I would like to thank everyone that has given me advice and not bitcheness.
I do apreciate everyones opinions and after a long and very upsetting chat to my partner (due to the bitcheness of others) we have decided to wait until we are settled in life.

I would just like to say that whatever people think of me i am not childish or immature etc i have had to grow up very quick due to my pregnancy.
At the time i wasn't ready for my pregnancy but i grew up and have given the best for my child.
We are now and have been for a year or so looking for a flat/house and if it is council theres nothing wrong with that i will be paying my own way just the same as i would be if it was private renting.

i did take everyones opinions in as i think everyone has a write to say what they think and i didnt come on here expecting not to get bad advice. But i didnt come on here expecting to get dictated to and get put down by people (in my opinion i just think it was plain bullying obviously the people doing this was the typical school bullies.)

I have forgot what was said to me (nasty comments) as it was gettin me upset and i was in tears for a rather long time. My partner reassured me that i am fantastic mother and i do everything i can to support me my child and even my partner.

I just want to say thank you to everyone that gave me advice(excluding the ones that snooped so low to knocking me down and was so immature to start name calling.)

Me and my paartner have decided what we want to do in the future and i am happy with our decision.

I HOPE MY GRAMMER HAS BEEN OK FOR SOME OF YOU!!!!

Hayley xx

Good on you Hayley! See - she does take onboard worthwhile advice. Try to enjoy your life for the time being with your obviously talented toddler and find a home that you can settle in and feel financially stable. I actually think it was very mature of you to come back and face the bullies.

I can't believe those involved in the nastiness on this thread are still drearily moaning on about it. You have also tried to explain your reasoning for the comments you made, which to me shows you have guilty consciences.

Coming VERY late to this thread, but one problem I think I can identify can be summed up by Meemar who said:

"Social housing should be available to anyone who needs it. There is a shortage because it was massively sold off in the 80s for the short term prosperity of the economy, and now we are paying the price."

I would say many people agree with this but it is not necessarily correct.

Some areas of the country do NOT have a shortage of social housing.

My SIL works in local government (in the home counties) and I was once being a bit judgy about a relative of mine who seemed to have got a council property (in the north) staggeringly easily. She informed me that she knew that XX Council had more vacant properties than her council had properties full stop.

So in some areas, social housing does still operate "as it used to" - giving a helping hand and a start in life to young families, with applicants not needing to be in desperate need to before they are housed. I suspect this may be the case in Hayley's area and may partly explain her bewilderment at the character assassination she has experienced.

what a bizarre thread. Not commenting on any of the previous posts but hayley.....

I am 23, i will be 24 by one month when i have my thir child. I have a degree in moaning and drinking coffee (and 9 GCSES i never used) Up until last year, my husband and i lived off £1500 a month to PRIVATE rent (we have never been in council) and bring up our two girls. I did not work.

So, it is perfectly possible to support yourself on the kind of money you are bringing in, depending on your area ;) Lucky old us, hubs got a pay rise so we now make do with 1800 a month, for what will be three kids.

I have had people say, urgh why didnt you wait, why didnt you go get a career? I would simply bat my eyelashes at them and say, maybe i didnt want one? Maybe i didnt want to go to college, or university and run up thousands of pounds of debt in education to come out with a degree of some king, that wouldnt even guarantee me a job. I watched my friend do this. She is a whole month older than me and has just attained her degree in art. She is struggling to find a job.

I am not saying dont go further your career, i am just saying i understand that some people dont want to and just want to be a family.

I also think you were maybe unsure about how your partner really felt, because he said he would be happy if you did get pregnant, but now after chatting with him you know. I ALSO think you probably feel broody, like any WOMAN can, and i know how hard that can be (took me 18 months and 1 m/c to conceive my baby...yes...i tried for my third ) so i hope that time passes quickly for you and that you and your partner spend it well setting up a happy family home of your own to in time bring your new baby home. You sound like you are both doing very well to me.

Just wanted to add that I'm new to Mumsnet and I'm really shocked at how judgemental and bullying this thread (and some others) are. I came on looking for some ideas and support about my child's medical problems which thankfully I have received from some. Some other threads seem to be popluated by people congratulating themselves on their healthy wholesome children and the priviledges they were born with.
Please don't go and find another place Hayley or Disenchanted .....FWIW I was brought up by a single mum (not that you are single) living with my grandparents. Lots and lots of people judged her for it but we were happy and both me and my sister have gone on to have happy and fulfilled lives. While both me and my DH work (yes very hard, long hours, putting selves through exams etc)and are doing OK I am acutely aware that life can deal unexpected blows and yes we might need help from the state.
Sorry to sound heavy - but really - correcting someone on their spelling and deriding someone for not knowing the language of Mumsnet! Shameful!

To the people who questioned why no-one reported any of the posts, an answer for you - I have just done so. Sunflower - please stay on mumsnet, we need balanced opinions.

Im not leaving mums net im not being put of by immature dictating bullies.

unfortunately my sister has left as she was so upset about this. It was my first time having a discussion and i just got knocked down by some.

Just want to let you no last night i was upset cryin to my partner when he came in from work....he was not pleased. But after waking up this morning iv realised that i shouldn't let shallow people get me down lifes too short. Why let them bother me.

Thank you to everyone that has helped me and has stuck up for me i really do appreciate it.

Its pretty sad actually i only came on here too meet some people to talk to as i have no-one to talk to from 8am to 5pm part from my baby boy...(but cant get much conversation from him ) ohwell said nell xxxx

Sunflower, I'm sure you are a lovely mum. I really mean that. Generally, mum's try their hardest to be lovely and I'm sure you are no different to the rest of the world.

I didn't mean to be rude, all I meant was that I would never have listened to anybody when I was 20. I saw the world in black and white, right and wrong, good and bad. It's ony when I got to be much older that I realised the world is actually a huge muddle of contradictions and shades of grey. As a young person, I had very definite opinions, whereas today I can see most everyone's point of view about everything. Your outlook changes, that's all. Also, I have three teenage daughters, and they tend to see the world they see it, and no-one else's way. This wil probably change in time, so that was all I meant. I truly did not mean you any offence, but rather wanted to come to your defence. Hope you're okay. Stick around. You are truly welcome here.

And thank you NOTDOINGTHEHOUSEWORK for apologising. x

Thanks little woman x

I'm not planning on leaving - I have had some great advice about my LO's allergies and lots of support. Generally i think MN is great. I just thought this thread had descended into bullying although not by everyone by any means.
I'm not lovely btw really quite evil on occasions (as my dh would tell you!!)

I think we all have an evil side!
Glad you're staying on board.

jeez, all the OP wanted a was a little understanding about her and her partner not seeing eye to eye on something!

I'd say it's about how she & her partner can work out together what to do next and when (moving out, next child, respective careers) - I've no idea why it turned into a full-on attack on her values.

I'd have thought it would be clear to these obviously educated women that not everyone has the same priorities in life. It is possible to do things differently and both be right.

I for one, in my 30's with 3 miscarriages behind me and no kids, (but a career, mortgage and disposable cash which are looking fairly hollow right now) am wondering if my priorities were screwed all along.

Hayley, I wish you all the very best whatever you decide to do. And good luck with your partner in sorting through what you both want.

Well said tryingnottoobsess! Wishing you luck too

Hey Hayley - bet your son starts talking soon. he sounds like a clever little man - counting to five- thats amazing! You won't feel as lonely then. Whenever I've felt a bit down, I've always joined a thread that makes me laugh. Thats the great thing about this site.
Hope to see you post again. You've had a baby and therefore your knowledge is important to people who may need advice in the future.

"Some other threads seem to be popluated by people congratulating themselves on their healthy wholesome children and the priviledges they were born with."

and why shouldn't they Sunflower?

It's an open forum, you get to say how you feel about parenting, whether good or bad.

Yes totally agree sorky, but it still doesn't mean that it needs to be lowered to this threads standard.

that isn't how it reads though is it?

It's an insinuation that if your children are wholesome and healthy and you aren't in poverty, then somehow it's not okay to be proud of that.

There has been a lot of decent advice for the OP, which she has acknowledged.
I'd say your best bet Hayley is to forget about it and go lurk on some threads, see where you feel comfortable .

Welcome to Mumsnet!

Oh the irony.