Should I dump this man over sex or keep seeing him

[Mynotebookisfull]

Sorry it's long but want to avoid obvious questions.

I've recently met and have been dating a man. I'm early 40s he's late 40s. He ticks a lot of my boxes and is clear about what he wants which makes a change from so many men I've met through the apps! He has lots of good qualities.

Now the sticking point - sex. We've slept together - in the same bed - and had some intimacy but no actual sex. I'm all for talking about issues early so we've had a conversation initiated by me.

Short story is he doesn't do penetrative or oral sex from what I can gather. He has some issues clearly but I don't know yet where it stems from. It doesn't sound like his last two relationships were sexual in the traditional sense and he prefers role play, toys, kink (spanking, dirty talk, leaning into role play dynamics) and self pleasure - basically wanking next to each other. He says he has ED and viagra doesn't help. He probably hasn't had PIV sex in nearly two decades.

When we've been together he's touched himself but not me sexually although he is cuddly and affectionate. Not a hand on a boob let alone between my legs. When we've been intimate we've kissed (but not much, he doesn't particularly enjoy snogging or initiate it). It feels a bit like we're having seperate sexual experiences next to each other rather than 'together' if that makes sense.

I like vanilla sex I suppose you would say and feel it's important for intimacy and my enjoyment. I love kissing and touch. I need that 'normal' sex to bond with someone and feel close before moving on to kinks and other stuff.

Can I really continue seeing a man who doesn't do penetrative or oral sex at all?
I know sex might not always be as important to me as I move through menopause - but now I'm peri and horny and I love sex.
Appreciate any views or things I haven't considered.
Should I keep talking to him about it? Should I see if he tries to do something different? We've only just had the conversation - he knows what I want. Do I give him a chance to deliver or at least try?

It's not a conversation he enjoys or finds easy... I suspect deep repressed issues and yes I have considered whether he's grossed out by women's genitals or is gay etc.
I don't want to waste my time or life or have to teach a man how to fuck, frankly.

For contrast the last few men I've dated I've had great sex but they've been crap in so many other ways.
This one is great in the ways they were rubbish and I'm conscious of just discarding an otherwise good man - there aren't many out there and I do want a relationship.

God I’d be ditching him pronto. You’re not compatible and it will make you miserable

I couldn’t put up with this.

If he were keen to pleasure you in other ways, the lack of PIV sex may not be a huge issue in itself but if he is focused on his pleasure (within the constraints he has) and isn't keen to address or discuss your needs, that would be a deal-breaker for me.

Not on your life, throw it back. There’s clearly a whole mess of stuff going on there that you don’t want to be any part of.

Ugg, that sounds crap, and over time, soul destroying. Waaaaay too many issues going on there! I’d be running off in the opposite direction if I were you.

No way would I stay with him. He doesn't kiss you, doesn't touch you... Move on quickly from this man.

BTW I reckon his ED will be due to heavy porn use.

He’s gay.

RUN
FAST

Please...

Seconded.

Well he was honest about it. That's fair play to him. I'd say you already know it's almost certainly a deal-breaker.

I mean if he dislikes or is unable to be aroused for PIV, would he use toys on you and mimic that action to give you a similar (better?) feeling of piv? If that is something you could do it could work. I guess?

But I'd say it sounds like a complex situation when sex with a new partner should feel natural and passionate and easy if you're well suited.

Crikey! I wasn't expecting so many quick and strong responses! Thank you.

I'm not desperate for a relationship - I would LIKE one. My standards are fairly high to the pp who suggested otherwise hence dumping other men fairly quickly, but also aware we ALL have issues and if he is nearly perfect in other ways, how important is sex? I think it is important otherwise I wouldn't be asking - just wondered if there were things I hadn't considered.

Thanks yes. I'm wondering if one more shot having had the conversation about it - has he listened to me? Does he adapt now I've been clear about what I want and expect?

He sounds like hes avoidant' (avoidant attachment) some of them, like my ex, avoid sex at all costs as its too intimate' for them. Could he have this ? Maybe not but worth looking into. his behavior reminds me of my ex.

Also I want to say that im late 40s and have been through menopause but still very much enjoy sex.

Im not sex mad but a relationship without sex just wouldn't work for me. Maybe you could try it but tell him you can't make any promises as maybe it won't work out. And just see how you get on in a relationship without sex. A relationship without sex is friends.

He's not into women OP. He's all about meeting his own needs. He's using you as a prop.

You'll end up miserable.

Absolutely not, and considering he doesn't want to touch you at all I’d be wondering if he even feels any attraction towards you. I know a guy on a kink app that groomed my friend like this. She ended up getting into pegging him but really it seems he’s gay and doesn’t want to admit it, based on more information later disclosed. There’s something fishy here op

Im like you just a vanilla girl I couldn't put up with this .

Thanks Amira. Nothing else in his actions or character suggest avoidant - I'm well aware of them having had bad experiences in the past!

I understand how frustrating it is if he's "otherwise" seemingly a compatible partner, but if you are honest with yourself @Mynotebookisfull , if intimacy is important for you, even slightly (seems like it is, understandably), then I think we all know what the right step is. My dude who for whatever reason doesn't do penetrative or oral sex should be with a person who also doesn't need or do penetrative or oral sex. You are clearly not that person. So I would just honestly tell him it's not something you are comfortable with, and stop wasting your time.

I wouldn't dare guessing what could be in the background, like a lot of pps before me, whether he's gay, whether he has a health issue, a strong trauma or if he's a real-life alien, it matters not, really. Not for anyone here to guess, or know.

People are more than sex and relationships are MUCH more than sex. I think you know what I mean.