Should I dump this man over sex or keep seeing him

[Mynotebookisfull]

Sorry it's long but want to avoid obvious questions.

I've recently met and have been dating a man. I'm early 40s he's late 40s. He ticks a lot of my boxes and is clear about what he wants which makes a change from so many men I've met through the apps! He has lots of good qualities.

Now the sticking point - sex. We've slept together - in the same bed - and had some intimacy but no actual sex. I'm all for talking about issues early so we've had a conversation initiated by me.

Short story is he doesn't do penetrative or oral sex from what I can gather. He has some issues clearly but I don't know yet where it stems from. It doesn't sound like his last two relationships were sexual in the traditional sense and he prefers role play, toys, kink (spanking, dirty talk, leaning into role play dynamics) and self pleasure - basically wanking next to each other. He says he has ED and viagra doesn't help. He probably hasn't had PIV sex in nearly two decades.

When we've been together he's touched himself but not me sexually although he is cuddly and affectionate. Not a hand on a boob let alone between my legs. When we've been intimate we've kissed (but not much, he doesn't particularly enjoy snogging or initiate it). It feels a bit like we're having seperate sexual experiences next to each other rather than 'together' if that makes sense.

I like vanilla sex I suppose you would say and feel it's important for intimacy and my enjoyment. I love kissing and touch. I need that 'normal' sex to bond with someone and feel close before moving on to kinks and other stuff.

Can I really continue seeing a man who doesn't do penetrative or oral sex at all?
I know sex might not always be as important to me as I move through menopause - but now I'm peri and horny and I love sex.
Appreciate any views or things I haven't considered.
Should I keep talking to him about it? Should I see if he tries to do something different? We've only just had the conversation - he knows what I want. Do I give him a chance to deliver or at least try?

It's not a conversation he enjoys or finds easy... I suspect deep repressed issues and yes I have considered whether he's grossed out by women's genitals or is gay etc.
I don't want to waste my time or life or have to teach a man how to fuck, frankly.

For contrast the last few men I've dated I've had great sex but they've been crap in so many other ways.
This one is great in the ways they were rubbish and I'm conscious of just discarding an otherwise good man - there aren't many out there and I do want a relationship.

He sounds like a weirdo, what an absolute nightmare that would be for me!, this said you are not me, sex might not be important (it is for me) so maybe you're willing to put up with this because he's absolutely AMAZING in other departments.

Basically you'll be partnering with a guy who has his own personal sex life that doesn't include you, a guy who gets his sexual jollies elsewhere in other ways that don't include you, if you're ok with that go ahead. You guys just started dating and this is the "honeymoon phase", I don't want to think what lies ahead after a couple of years 😨

Sod that, I’d be running in the other direction.

I didn’t realise until after I was pregnant, and somewhat committed, just how much my ex-H liked stuff that I definitely didn’t like. I didn’t realise until my very last relationship, at nearly 50, how much I loved vanilla with a man who loved vanilla too, and did it very well.

he prefers role play, toys, kink (spanking, dirty talk, leaning into role play dynamics) and self pleasure

Self pleasure is all he is interested in and you are just another 'toy' to help him achieve that aim. His one redeeming factor is that at least he is honest about it.

Hard no from me.

43, peri, love sex - similar to your description of yourself.

Your man’s preferences would never work for me. I’d prefer to be completely single than what you have described.

I know it’s so hard to find a good man esp in our age group but this would be torturous for me. No touching? No oral? No penetration? Nope.

He's gay. The lack of penetration and ED are fair enough. Sad but... But not touching you? I've never met a man who wasn't gagging for touching etc. I would suspect that he may be gay. Possibly unacknowledged and in denial, but not wanting to touch or kiss you?

He doesn't even want to snog you let alone sex! Why on earth are you hanging on? You are wasting your own precious time!

It would be bye, bye for me. Especially if he’s into a bunch of kinks that involve other stuff. I’ve met a couple of guys like that and they almost certainly had untreated cluster b personality disorders.

His problem is purely psychological. If he can masturbate he doesn't have ED.

Well it definitely wouldn't be for me. Only you can decide if you're willing to put up with what sounds like a very unsatisfactory sex life. He's in his late 40s, he's not going to change.

You seem to be trying to convince yourself to keep trying. Why?

It's like saying you have this amazing car - it's exactly what you've been looking for. Except it's got no engine.

All these reasons listed are why he’s been single or available. Don’t settle for this. He doesn’t tick an important box as sex ie part of a healthy relationship.

Could he be HIV + and afraid to tell you? No matter what it is if he can’t talk about it …it’s no good. I think this situation would (as you describe, not the potential other issues) kill the flames of sexual attraction for me.

I actually once dated and slept with a man into kinks. He wanted me to slap him round the face during sex. After that I realised I probably was more into vanilla sex.

I appreciate your point about relationships being more than sex, and I agree, but if sex and intimacy is important to you (it is to me) then you will need to address it together to make sure you are getting what you need from our relationship. Even with ED (and those of us in relationships later in life do have experience of partners with this) it is entirely possible to have intimacy, loving touch and even sexual fulfillment. Important thing is willingness and openness to addressing it. If you can get there, all credit to you. If not, it will just create resentment.

So he doesn't like touching you (anywhere) or kissing you? In fact not only does he not like it, he doesn't even do it! He doesn't even want to please you at all.

God. Life's too short for this.

Good grief no, dump him.

I love sex, and the idea of a man not even wanting to touch me and just expecting us to wank side by side is grim.

If I wanted a relationship thats solely about masturbation then I'd be in a long term relationship with my vibrator and would have no need for a man in the first place.

You deserve better.

Fuck that, not literally obviously. I'd be gone.

It’s entirely reasonable to want a healthy sex life. Secondly, I doubt whatever is causing him to feel this way is isolated to just sex. Life is too short.

I think you can say other things in a relationship are more important then sex depending on the circumstances. Companionship and so on. But he sounds gay or like he has a lot of issues that you dont have any idea about . Or its a porn thing.

Taxi!

Oh good Lord no. This is not going to make for a satisfying romantic relationship. The ED part is fine - not his fault. But not wanting to do other things to or for you, is not.

It's not for me.

I've had a variety of experiences, including the same as yours, and a poor guy who was impotent, but the no-penetration was by far the worst. I really felt like a spare part, and the resentment built up until I almost hated him.

Whether sex is particularly important to you or not, there’s likely to be other stuff that will surface as a result of this. He could be gay, or he could be addicted to porn but there could be a whole host of other associated issues. Surely he knows that a healthy relationship particularly a new one, is usually established on wanting to shag each other as much as possible. Not many women would accept a friends only relationship unless that’s what they were truly looking for. Finish it, he’s not your problem to solve.

I love kissing and touch.

It's madness to consider sticking with a man who needs convincing to touch and kiss you.

There's no guarantee menopause will kill your libido but even if it does, you'll still want kisses and touch.

What's the point of talking it over with him? If he doesn't like kissing and touching you, do you really want him doing it, knowing it's on sufferance, not because he wants to?

You deserve better. Not feeling enough, not feeling desirable just for yourself, but only for satisfying his fetishes will chip away at your self-esteem.

He's in his late forties and has not had penetrative sex for two decades. Please don't decide to have 'one more conversation' with him or think you can talk or teach him how to have sex. You can't. This is who he is and it will not change.

If you can accept and be happy with the side by side wanking sex life, then stay.

If not, leave.