Should I dump this man over sex or keep seeing him

[Mynotebookisfull]

Sorry it's long but want to avoid obvious questions.

I've recently met and have been dating a man. I'm early 40s he's late 40s. He ticks a lot of my boxes and is clear about what he wants which makes a change from so many men I've met through the apps! He has lots of good qualities.

Now the sticking point - sex. We've slept together - in the same bed - and had some intimacy but no actual sex. I'm all for talking about issues early so we've had a conversation initiated by me.

Short story is he doesn't do penetrative or oral sex from what I can gather. He has some issues clearly but I don't know yet where it stems from. It doesn't sound like his last two relationships were sexual in the traditional sense and he prefers role play, toys, kink (spanking, dirty talk, leaning into role play dynamics) and self pleasure - basically wanking next to each other. He says he has ED and viagra doesn't help. He probably hasn't had PIV sex in nearly two decades.

When we've been together he's touched himself but not me sexually although he is cuddly and affectionate. Not a hand on a boob let alone between my legs. When we've been intimate we've kissed (but not much, he doesn't particularly enjoy snogging or initiate it). It feels a bit like we're having seperate sexual experiences next to each other rather than 'together' if that makes sense.

I like vanilla sex I suppose you would say and feel it's important for intimacy and my enjoyment. I love kissing and touch. I need that 'normal' sex to bond with someone and feel close before moving on to kinks and other stuff.

Can I really continue seeing a man who doesn't do penetrative or oral sex at all?
I know sex might not always be as important to me as I move through menopause - but now I'm peri and horny and I love sex.
Appreciate any views or things I haven't considered.
Should I keep talking to him about it? Should I see if he tries to do something different? We've only just had the conversation - he knows what I want. Do I give him a chance to deliver or at least try?

It's not a conversation he enjoys or finds easy... I suspect deep repressed issues and yes I have considered whether he's grossed out by women's genitals or is gay etc.
I don't want to waste my time or life or have to teach a man how to fuck, frankly.

For contrast the last few men I've dated I've had great sex but they've been crap in so many other ways.
This one is great in the ways they were rubbish and I'm conscious of just discarding an otherwise good man - there aren't many out there and I do want a relationship.

Well she’s got her thread here. Maybe she needs time to read the thread and understand it.

No one should be playing devils advocate so to speak when it comes to their sexual needs not being met by a partner they’ve only known for a matter of weeks.

You seem determined to make excuses for this man and are ready to tolerate an unfulfilling sex life because he’s a nice bloke. You seem to be twisting yourself into a pretzel to justify staying with him despite the absolute sexual mismatch. Dont waste years being unfulfilled only to look back with regret because you didn’t listen to your gut.

He needs to be with someone who wants the same thing. That's not you. I can only see this ending in misery, sorry.

Are you being serious?

They sound very serious but they also probably haven't had a decent shag in a long time, which will make you a bit po faced I find.

If you think of PIV + oral as 'normal' then you are by definition thinking of sex that two people with penises have and two people with vulvas have as 'abnormal'.

I hate to break it to you @independentfriend but two people with penises and two people with vulvas are usually thinking of oral as very very normal.

Oh don't be so prissy and narrow-minded. There's a whole world out there waiting for OP to discover, where she can isolate herself in a small pod while the guy slimes around the outer surface like a snail. Don't knock it till you've tried it!

You mean he needs to be with a woman who finds men's bodies repulsive?

Or he has a porn addiction and is a cross-dresser.
Either way I would drop him like a hot potato.
It's not OP's job to be his therapist.
He can pay someone qualified for that.

There is no future in this relationship if sex and intimacy are not mutually beneficial then there are to many red flags at such an early stage before you know it it will become a friendship. unless you want a friend or want to try and fix the
un-fixable you should move on let him down lightly.

Run for the hills.

Not necessarily. Men who watch a lot of porn tend to masturbate a lot. And they can end up struggling with partner sex.
Porn also has almost zero focus on female pleasure. Male porn performers rarely touch the women in a pleasuring way. Touching tends to be rough, even violent, and the women pretend to get satisfaction from rough treatment and the man's pleasure. The man you're seeing might just be the way he is because it's simply his preference, or because something in his past has caused an aversion to touching women's bodies intimately, but it's quite possible he's porn-soaked.

There's a men's organisation for porn addicts - I forget what it's called - which describes very clearly how it destroys men's ability to have close, intimate, loving sexual relationships with their partners.

Not sure if it's the one you're referring to but NoFap is a forum dedicated to porn addicts and the issues it causes. It might be worth the OP taking a look.
Numerous posters mention no longer being able to have partnered sex, many mention isolating themselves and rejecting social plans/occasions in order to stay at home and mastubnate to porn instead. The posts are a really concerning eye opener into how porn addiction affects men, effectively making some incapable of normal sexual relationships.

I think if penetrative sex is important for you then there may be other ways to feel fulfilled through the use of toys etc, i think communication is key... I get the ED however im not sure why this means he does not want to pleasure you orally or with fingers, so definitely one that needs to be discussed. Hope you get things sorted

I dated a lovely chap for a few months. We got on really well, spoke endlessly and laughed all the time. However.... the sex was so, so bad! I got him books to read, showed him how to satisfy me, used toys, did different positions, watched a bit of porn... but he just couldn't 'get it'. I got to the stage whereby I used to lie in bed, willing the sex to be over.
I had to dump him and also tell him that sadly, the sex wasn't working for me. He was very upset and I do sometimes miss his company, but sex is really important for me ....

Good grief.

Run, I divorced my first husband because he had so many kinks and was watching really worrying porn which all centred around spanking and hitting women (really hard) but had no sex in it whatsoever. I was really young and he made me believe that I was the one with a problem because nobody is ‘just having boring sex’ He turned out to have some serious issues surrounding women and in particular his mother so I left. ETA - he was wonderful in most other ways and it broke my heart but in the bedroom he wanted to be abusive and that’s not OK.

What's good grief mean here?

Hope you're OK, OP, and not suspended from the ceiling in harnesses 😬

I left my long marriage (23 years) because of similar issues. We were sexually incompatible. He was older by 10 years and lived at home with his elderly parents when we met. I was only 21 and naive and inexperienced.

I always had suspicions he was gay. He never used to touch me, kiss me etc and that passion was just missing from our marriage. Our second child was even conceived by IUI! We had sex so infrequently because, well, it was like watching paint dry (for me, anyway). We dwindled into sexless marriage of over a decade before menopause hit and changed my world. I became horny as hell and just couldn’t go near him. It was the start of the end and I began to realise why I felt the way I did. I ended up meeting someone else who is the most passionate man ever! He is amazing and always turns me on. My husband couldn’t. It is my biggest regret that I stayed in a marriage so long when there was a vital part of my happiness missing.

I did once come across something he’d been searching for on the web. Girls in short skirts and spanking so I thought he wasn’t gay. However, he has always been very close to 2 male friends who remained unmarried and have never been seen with a woman… who knows?!

Don’t continue with the relationship with him. Find someone who makes you happy 😃.

It’s fine if you dump him over sex, but it wouldn't be great to say that. I’m sure you’d hate it if he told you that he saw you as pretty hopeless sexually.

Affectionate like a friend, you said he doesn't like kissing either. If you want another friend, cool, but don't kid yourself this is a relationship.

I find this equally concerning - most I think how comfortable he seems in pleasuring & focussing on himself sexually when you’re supposed to be having a mutual sexual encounter. I’d find it horribly rejecting too him having zero interest in me. Beware OP. You sound very fair & tolerant. And yes people with disabilities that maybe affect their ability to have PIV or “conventional” sex deserve to have sexual intimacy, this is something different. He has kinks that though now increasingly normalised in everyday culture (which could explain how brazen I feel he’s being about demonstrating how he likes sex - I’m sure pple will jump on my use of “brazen” but anyway). Kinks that are not shared are soulless lonely & rejecting where certain things are fetishised to the point that they are the sole form of any sexual interest or pleasure. Please out of being a kind & tolerant person don’t unsuspectingly think he deserves you. He deserves someone who gets off on things the way does. Thats not you. And you mustn’t waste your time or your heart trying to change him or mould yourself to become what he needs you to be, at the expense of your own needs. That doesn’t make you a bad or unkind person. Just a realist. He may be lovely otherwise. And dating is hard enough as it is. But don’t waste any more time on him. You deserve & do want more than this.

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