Should I dump this man over sex or keep seeing him

[Mynotebookisfull]

Sorry it's long but want to avoid obvious questions.

I've recently met and have been dating a man. I'm early 40s he's late 40s. He ticks a lot of my boxes and is clear about what he wants which makes a change from so many men I've met through the apps! He has lots of good qualities.

Now the sticking point - sex. We've slept together - in the same bed - and had some intimacy but no actual sex. I'm all for talking about issues early so we've had a conversation initiated by me.

Short story is he doesn't do penetrative or oral sex from what I can gather. He has some issues clearly but I don't know yet where it stems from. It doesn't sound like his last two relationships were sexual in the traditional sense and he prefers role play, toys, kink (spanking, dirty talk, leaning into role play dynamics) and self pleasure - basically wanking next to each other. He says he has ED and viagra doesn't help. He probably hasn't had PIV sex in nearly two decades.

When we've been together he's touched himself but not me sexually although he is cuddly and affectionate. Not a hand on a boob let alone between my legs. When we've been intimate we've kissed (but not much, he doesn't particularly enjoy snogging or initiate it). It feels a bit like we're having seperate sexual experiences next to each other rather than 'together' if that makes sense.

I like vanilla sex I suppose you would say and feel it's important for intimacy and my enjoyment. I love kissing and touch. I need that 'normal' sex to bond with someone and feel close before moving on to kinks and other stuff.

Can I really continue seeing a man who doesn't do penetrative or oral sex at all?
I know sex might not always be as important to me as I move through menopause - but now I'm peri and horny and I love sex.
Appreciate any views or things I haven't considered.
Should I keep talking to him about it? Should I see if he tries to do something different? We've only just had the conversation - he knows what I want. Do I give him a chance to deliver or at least try?

It's not a conversation he enjoys or finds easy... I suspect deep repressed issues and yes I have considered whether he's grossed out by women's genitals or is gay etc.
I don't want to waste my time or life or have to teach a man how to fuck, frankly.

For contrast the last few men I've dated I've had great sex but they've been crap in so many other ways.
This one is great in the ways they were rubbish and I'm conscious of just discarding an otherwise good man - there aren't many out there and I do want a relationship.

Just to clarify something in my op - when I said clear about what he wants, I didn't mean sexually. I meant clear he wants a relationship and commitment with a view to live with someone and marriage etc. Intentional about how he's dating. Not just 'going with the flow' or dating as many people as possible. And yes, online there aren't that many men who are intentionally dating!

Anyway I'm reading all of the comments, thank you.

Agree with this. You are just another sex toy in his fetish toy box. There is no "you" in the bedroom just him and his wants.

Basically he is just another selfish man.

Of course he does. Because he gets all the advantages domestically

This is very strange. It’s not really about what his sexual preferences are but more because he has shown up with you to be in some kind of relationship, whether a casual one or more serious one, but he does not seem to know how to “relate”. Surely he knows sex with women normally involves PIV and oral. But he didn’t really want to talk about it? There was no real resolution when you initiated the conversation? He should have warned you right from the start! There should have been a genuine conversation where he would have said” what do you like?” And then you respond, and then there’s a response to that, etc. You might as well both be having sex alone. I’m curious if he was like that in other conversations- ie not asking you what you think or what you like, not really listening to your responses. Was he attuned and oriented to you otherwise?

I’m another one who thinks he’s a heavy porn user.

Nope. Waaay too much weirdness going on there for me.

I'm a bloke, and my advice is to walk away from this. I can't see a scenario where either of you are going to end up fulfilled and happy. You both deserve better

Hell's bells get rid!!

It would be a no from me.

I don’t mind some kink but regular, “common” PIV sex would be essential for me to bond. No way I’d be okay with a man just wanking next to me unless I don’t know, it was my long term partner and something had happened to affect our sex life in a very specific way.

What would put me off more than anything is that he likely has this problem because he's watched too much porn. It gives men ED and real women/actual physical sex can't compete with his own hand and a range of kinky fantasies. And he may well still have a porn addiction. Men who are happy to jack off to videos of women being basically abused are a red flag for me.

Sex is also a big part of intimacy and I think this arrangement will leave you feeling both used and frustrated. If he hasn't even physically touched you yet, you're going to feel so rejected and unloved. I would throw him back and keep looking.

I couldn't be into someone sexually if they weren't enthusiastically into me and my body. A man who has the ick (or issues) around sex and genitals, be that talking about it/ touching/ kissing just wouldn't do it for me!

Yes, dump him. He sounds too much like a project.

I'm sorry, it's so difficult/sad when you think you're in a great relationship with someone ✅ all the boxes as you progress, only to find out that they are a ❌ in a fundamental box.

🥲

it's all been said already so I won't repeat it, but he doesn't want to touch you or gave ssx with you, that is going to absolutely kill your self esteem & make you so sad. You NEED to move on. You will find someone, there's plenty more years in the old girl yet!! 🤗

(another one whose sex drive is different after menopause & a major life changing medical event, but still enjoying sex!!)

Indeed. At least you don't end up cooking for a vibrator, managing its dental appointments or ironing its shirts.

We only have so many breaths in our lifetime, don't waste yours on flogging a dead horse.

Very attuned otherwise. Thoughtful, considerate, kind, generous, interested in what I think and feel and want.

I think its worth considering that you can have lovely friendships/relationships with many people - including this man.

But most people choose to have or ideally would like to have ONE intimate partner. If you are a person who wants to have ONE intimate partner then sexual compatibility is essential & I don't think you will have it with this chap - it very much reads like he is looking for a participant in his sexual fetish on his rules rather than having a mutually fulfilling sex life.

It would be a massive NO from me.

Depending on how much time has passed since you met to get to this point, you may want to consider if his kindnesses etc to you may also be a form of grooming (i.e. persuading you into a sexual relationship because hes "such a nice guy" on conditions you probably don't want, aren't looking for & wouldn't consider if you knew all this from the outset)

It would be a hard no from me. The important thing is what do you want? Unless it's similar best find someone more on the same page.

But he's in no position to be looking for marriage if he isn't able to communicate over basic things like sex. He's not interested in what you feel and want because he won't have a conversation about it.

Do you want to be married to someone who won't touch you, and wont say why?

Not interested in kissing or touching you, though.

That's the killer.

No.

Absolutely no.

I think he's kidding himself (and you) if he imagines he's marriage/relationship material.

This. Read your post again. He can not be intimate. He doesn’t want to fix it. It sounds like he has quite serious issues and sexual problems and you can’t fix this one. It’s a disaster.

Many women and men can't have sex for whatever reason and although you're only looking for advice here bear it in mind but I don't think you can base your decision on anyone else's experience.

He may open up if you ask and based on his answer you can then decide as to whether you are looking at a future together, IMO though if he's wanting to stay together you do deserve an explanation from him.

If he just clams up and won't get into a conversation about it then I think you'll either have to plan a sex life of a different kind or move on and leave this relationship behind.

This sounds soul destroying if you are looking for an intimate, sexual relationship. I wouldn't waste time trying to analyse him, he isn't able to provide what you want.