Should I dump this man over sex or keep seeing him

[Mynotebookisfull]

Sorry it's long but want to avoid obvious questions.

I've recently met and have been dating a man. I'm early 40s he's late 40s. He ticks a lot of my boxes and is clear about what he wants which makes a change from so many men I've met through the apps! He has lots of good qualities.

Now the sticking point - sex. We've slept together - in the same bed - and had some intimacy but no actual sex. I'm all for talking about issues early so we've had a conversation initiated by me.

Short story is he doesn't do penetrative or oral sex from what I can gather. He has some issues clearly but I don't know yet where it stems from. It doesn't sound like his last two relationships were sexual in the traditional sense and he prefers role play, toys, kink (spanking, dirty talk, leaning into role play dynamics) and self pleasure - basically wanking next to each other. He says he has ED and viagra doesn't help. He probably hasn't had PIV sex in nearly two decades.

When we've been together he's touched himself but not me sexually although he is cuddly and affectionate. Not a hand on a boob let alone between my legs. When we've been intimate we've kissed (but not much, he doesn't particularly enjoy snogging or initiate it). It feels a bit like we're having seperate sexual experiences next to each other rather than 'together' if that makes sense.

I like vanilla sex I suppose you would say and feel it's important for intimacy and my enjoyment. I love kissing and touch. I need that 'normal' sex to bond with someone and feel close before moving on to kinks and other stuff.

Can I really continue seeing a man who doesn't do penetrative or oral sex at all?
I know sex might not always be as important to me as I move through menopause - but now I'm peri and horny and I love sex.
Appreciate any views or things I haven't considered.
Should I keep talking to him about it? Should I see if he tries to do something different? We've only just had the conversation - he knows what I want. Do I give him a chance to deliver or at least try?

It's not a conversation he enjoys or finds easy... I suspect deep repressed issues and yes I have considered whether he's grossed out by women's genitals or is gay etc.
I don't want to waste my time or life or have to teach a man how to fuck, frankly.

For contrast the last few men I've dated I've had great sex but they've been crap in so many other ways.
This one is great in the ways they were rubbish and I'm conscious of just discarding an otherwise good man - there aren't many out there and I do want a relationship.

It’s not going to get better. It’s not what you want. It’s not what you desire for sex or need for intimacy and mutual expression of affection.

So it is never going to be the relationship for you.

It’s a shame but them’s the facts

I don't know myself yet, but friends tell me sex can change a lot in 40s/50s, so your wants might well change too, so I wouldn't make sex the breaking point myself, but I would see a doctor/therapist if you like this man enough to make that worthwhile, and if you can afford it.
Apart from anything else, ED can be a canary for other male health issues, so even if you do decide to break up, you can't force him, but warn him he really should be getting checked even if he decided to be celibate forever,

Dear god, no! This isn't going to work. It'll bother you more and more the longer it goes on, and it'll make you miserable.

I don't know myself yet, but friends tell me sex can change a lot in 40s/50s, so your wants might well change too, so I wouldn't make sex the breaking point myself

Do not assume your libido is going to die at this point! Even if it did, do you then want to be dressing up, into kink but not having sex- chances are if your libido is dead you won't want to be doing that so he can do his thing either.

Everyone is different but the OP makes it clear she's in a stage of wanting vanilla sex, lots of, and she's not, so that's what she should be thinking about now, not some imaginary time point where it all shuts up shop which it does not for many women. Plus now with HRT, treatments for vaginal atrophy, testosterone, moisturisers, many of the things that made middle-aged sex less pleasant are removed, plus you might get to have it with a new partner and that also livens things up!

i would 100% throw this one back. I don’t think he’s been very fair not being upfront about his issues which sound very extensive, to the point of being non-sexual with others. He has left you to extract the details from him and I can’t imagine that not impacting on other areas. He also could be holding back on other details. The kink, ED and self pleasuring indicate extreme/heavy porn use to me. I think I’d struggle to feel attractive to or intimate with someone who wasn’t even keen on kissing.

No, don't bother having one more shot at a conversation with him. He'll say whatever he needs to say to keep you there. And then he'll stay exactly the same.

My husband is currently unwell and we’re going through a dip, but I know that he is still “into” me and loves me. Everyone has ups and downs. But it doesn’t sound like you and this guy are compatible AT ALL in this department. I would not entertain this carrying on.

This sounds like a bridge too far. He doesn't sound interested in doing more of what you like and you are obviously are not keen on his idea of fun either. I wouldn't spend too much time thinking about why he is the way he is. He's unlikely to change at this stage.

Jesus Christ. Is this the kind of shit we are putting up with now, just because he ticks some of your boxes. Please, don’t do this to yourself.

I normally would focus on the person rather than the chemistry/intimacy but for me this would be a no go tbh op.

Physical touch is a big thing to live without and you're only really 40s. I think that could quickly become quite a lonely place if you head down this road with him. There's absolutely no reason why he shouldn't be touching you and trying to create pleasure for you even if he doesn't do penetrative sex, there's plenty of toys etc he could use. It very much sounds like he has real issues in this dept but also sounds content with it, in that he gets all his own needs met without actually having to consider a partner, compromise or learn to figure things out together. On one hand it's good he's been upfront but on the other I find people usually are not completely forthcoming in that depth so I'd worry how far this all extends and if he's actually only shared the tip of the iceberg to look honest.

All in op it's very early days, you don't owe him anything but to owe yourself everything. I would let this one go on good terms and move on.

I'm 52 and still enjoying sex! And yes, while people and relationships are more than just sex, it's a pretty big part of a romantic relationship. You just have to look at the many, many threads on here where people are in relationships where they have celibacy forced upon them or are with someone they are not sexually compatible with, to see the misery it causes. "I feel like we are just good friends/room mates" is the death knell for many a relationship so why on earth would you agonise over pursuing a relationship with a man when it is clear this is your future from the outset?! If sex wasn't in some way important to you, you wouldn't be asking the question. This guy sounds like he has an awful lot of issues that need sorting before he gets into a relationship with anyone. Dump him.

“also aware we ALL have issues and if he is nearly perfect in other ways, how important is sex? I think it is important otherwise I wouldn't be asking - just wondered if there were things I hadn't considered.”

I don’t have a particularly high sex drive (it has increased with menopause and post-menopause though 😁) and I still consider sex to be pretty important. It’s one of the main differentiators between my relationship with my DH and with other people and how we express our particular closeness. If one or other of us physically became unable to have penetrative sex, we would work round that but that’s not happening here - he isn’t offering to use toys on you or even to pleasure you; he just wants to wank alongside you. He doesn’t even want to kiss you. I think that is really problematic. Perhaps he can be encouraged to be more giving. But for me, it would be a dealbreaker if it stayed that way, no matter what other boxes are ticked.

Someone I dated but never slept with over messenger admitted he liked being pegged. He wanted me to do this to him. He said he wasn’t gay but I did wonder.

God no I’m miserable without a good shag. Yes relationships are more than sex but it’s definitely a part of it, and for most people it’s an integral part.

I can't get over the fact that this is even a prospect you're considering OP.

This scenario would be difficult to deal with if it arose in an established relationship with excellent communication after years of solid grounding and a history of mutual healthy sex.

To think that he's going to add anything but frustration and lonelieness to your life is bonkers. Why would you? Honestly, if he was the last man on earth I would have to think long and hard about how much I was desperate not to put my own bins out before taking on this shitshow. Don't do it.

Yes but having similar sexual tastes and fantasies are key to maintaining healthy intimacy. Having such mismatched beliefs is going to lead to frustration for both parties. I would certainly have an honest conversation about how important it is to both of you and decide the future of your relationship.

Absolutely not. He has sex how he wants to. Why would you want him to try to have sex in a way he doesn't want just to appease you? It's pointless, he won't keep it up even if he tries, and how humiliating for you to have a man half heartedly trying to pleasure you when you know he doesn't want to? Ugh. Just no.

Nah, throw him back ... even if you were in your 60s I'd be saying this.

He sounds like a friend of mine. He is 50 now but has struggled with sexual relationships with women his whole life. He has had therapy and done some soul searching and has been diagnosed with autism (aspergers-type in old money). He also identifies as on the asexual spectrum as he does find women attractive but only likes doing oral or using hands. Penetrative sex is an absolute no-no as he finds that too overstimulating and overwhelming. Overall he has a very low sex drive and can go years without having a relationship and doesn't seem bothered by this at all. When he does have a relationship it doesn't seem to last long as his partners find after a while they can't put up with "his little ways" (how an ex put it) anymore.

He is a good friend but I absolutely could not be in a relationship with someone like him as it would drive me insane. It is up to you whether you can put up with your partner's "little ways" or not but I wouldn't be able to if I were in your shoes.

I agree

Would he be open to swinging, do you think?

Honestly I wouldn't bother though. Onwards and upwards.

Sex can change throughout life but never having it again is a massive no for most people no matter their age.

I'm 56 and I wouldn't even entertain the idea of continuing seeing this man because I enjoy having sex with a man and it sounds like you do too OP.

This man is only in his 40s and IMO needs to see someone about his ED. Meanwhile, I'd find someone else if I were you.

You aren’t compatible. He’s been very upfront and honest about what he is and what he wants and that isn’t want you want.

Just no.

You don't need this man. I could cope with some issues but not kinks, they would get on my nerves. He will get on yours!

Plenty more fish in the sea.