Should I dump this man over sex or keep seeing him

[Mynotebookisfull]

Sorry it's long but want to avoid obvious questions.

I've recently met and have been dating a man. I'm early 40s he's late 40s. He ticks a lot of my boxes and is clear about what he wants which makes a change from so many men I've met through the apps! He has lots of good qualities.

Now the sticking point - sex. We've slept together - in the same bed - and had some intimacy but no actual sex. I'm all for talking about issues early so we've had a conversation initiated by me.

Short story is he doesn't do penetrative or oral sex from what I can gather. He has some issues clearly but I don't know yet where it stems from. It doesn't sound like his last two relationships were sexual in the traditional sense and he prefers role play, toys, kink (spanking, dirty talk, leaning into role play dynamics) and self pleasure - basically wanking next to each other. He says he has ED and viagra doesn't help. He probably hasn't had PIV sex in nearly two decades.

When we've been together he's touched himself but not me sexually although he is cuddly and affectionate. Not a hand on a boob let alone between my legs. When we've been intimate we've kissed (but not much, he doesn't particularly enjoy snogging or initiate it). It feels a bit like we're having seperate sexual experiences next to each other rather than 'together' if that makes sense.

I like vanilla sex I suppose you would say and feel it's important for intimacy and my enjoyment. I love kissing and touch. I need that 'normal' sex to bond with someone and feel close before moving on to kinks and other stuff.

Can I really continue seeing a man who doesn't do penetrative or oral sex at all?
I know sex might not always be as important to me as I move through menopause - but now I'm peri and horny and I love sex.
Appreciate any views or things I haven't considered.
Should I keep talking to him about it? Should I see if he tries to do something different? We've only just had the conversation - he knows what I want. Do I give him a chance to deliver or at least try?

It's not a conversation he enjoys or finds easy... I suspect deep repressed issues and yes I have considered whether he's grossed out by women's genitals or is gay etc.
I don't want to waste my time or life or have to teach a man how to fuck, frankly.

For contrast the last few men I've dated I've had great sex but they've been crap in so many other ways.
This one is great in the ways they were rubbish and I'm conscious of just discarding an otherwise good man - there aren't many out there and I do want a relationship.

Dump.

Nope.

Are you prepared for this to be the rest of your life?

I think it's not viable. He's not going to get keener and you don't know if you'll lose interest in sex so you may well get increasingly frustrated. He sounds more like a friend than a partner.

He won’t meet your needs - dump immediately is my advice!

Throw him back.

Whatever his issues around penetration, he won’t do oral, he won’t touch you or kiss you.

So, it’s a relationship of sorts but he is unable to show any desire for you, and can’t meet any of your sexual needs? Can you really live like that?

If he's into kink, is he active in the local BDSM scene? Would you be interested in joining that? Does he want monogamy?

Ditch

You can't possibly have a relationship and life with this man. As a matter of fact, are you sure he's even hetero?

Can I add to the chorus of No, no, no please move on your and your foof deserve MUCH better

There is so much wrong with this man.
Just don't bother.

His, clearly very heavy, porn use has caused his ED. He isnt bothered with PIV because it does nothing for him, can only get him self off with his own hand. Can't believe some of the responses on here, he might be gay! Tell him to get checked out by a doctor! My god Women. Dump OP. Your self esteem will be destroyed if you stay with him.

You say that you don't want to waste your time or life or have to teach a man how to fuck. If you stay with him that's exactly what you'll be doing. God, can you imagine just how much of a huge turn-off this will become over time (probably not that much time) – you'd lose all interest in fucking him anyway.

You say he's interested in what you think, and feel, and want, but also that he won't talk about this with you – these two statements are deeply contradictory. You're clearly profoundly incompatible. Just because he's better at some things that previous dates weren't, doesn't mean he's right for you.

You'll be doing yourself a huge favour in throwing this one back. Otherwise, how will you give yourself the best chance of meeting someone who is right for you?

If he’s that attuned and so on why isn’t he looking into pleasing you. Whether that’s addressing his ED or not or using Viagara. I agree with pp he’s too young for these issues.

Get rid, he is obviously fucked up and will make your life a misery

I dated a guy like this.

It turned out that his foreskin was very tight and hadn't been sorted out as a child. It can involve a circumcision but just releasing the frenulum (banjo string if you know what I mean) can help.

He masturbated by rubbing his penis against the bed which he said simulated sex, but is a classic way of masturbating in men like this. He avoided sexual contact almost entirely because he thought if he touched me, I would touch him and it would be a problem.

He also refused to go to a doctor and talk about it. So we split up.

Perhaps your man has this? In any case he is making it clear that there won't be PIV or even sexual touching with you. And if that's the case you should split up.

If the only way he can enjoy sex is through kinky stuff, and you aren't into that at all, you aren't going to make each other happy. You just... aren't. It's not just sex (although I think sex is very important too). It's also affection and feeling desired and wanted. He can't give you that.

Fair play to him for being honest with you and for being clear on what he can and can't offer. But it's pretty clear that he can't give you what you want and need.

I feel sorry for the bloke because I suspect he's almost certainly suffered some very significant sexual abuse at some point in his life, but you cannot fix him and his boundaries, while he's completely entitled to have them, are always going to feel like they're shutting you out. It doesn't make him a bad person, but he's not the person for you.

He must understand that he is unusual in not wanting 'regular' sex? There's no shame in that of course, but does he really expect you to be ok with his preferences and still agree to be in a relationship with him long term?

He's obviously not interested in your sexual needs, is he? What would be his suggestion for getting your sexual needs met? Maybe tell him you're up for a relationship but will go elsewhere to get those needs met? Just to see his response!

I think it would be a mistake to pursue a long term relationship with this man. He won't change - if this has been his 'way' for over 20 years.

In order to survive in a relationship couples need intimacy that they both want and that meets each person's needs especially as your relationship develops. After a shit day or some kind of disagreement for example - sex or some kind of shared intimacy can hold things together and keep that close connection, remind each of you why you love each other. It brings a closeness that you just don't get in any other area of your relationship. He is not the man for you - you're just too different. You will become resentful.

Keep hunting OP!

FFS, not every sexual dysfunction is caused by bloody porn!

Men have psychological and physical issues around sex just like women do. What the OP is describing actually doesn't sound anything like someone whose issues have been caused by porn at all. It sounds like someone who, for any number of reasons, has probably suffered some serious sexual trauma at some point, actually.

I don't think the OP should carry on dating him because it's too big a problem to solve. But attributing every single sexual issue to porn is just not accurate.

Completely porn addled.

People who think he's porn addicted - What's the thinking here? Men who watch porn want to fuck and give and receive oral sex!

I was with someone exactly like this. He basically wasn’t gay but into something highly sickening and illegal. He was arrested

From the sounds of it, he's into the kinky shit and can't have normal intimacy.
I'd be sad about it, but I'd walk away. Being in a sexless relationship is an absolute headfuck, whatever the reason why, and you just end up feeling rejected and low. Trust me.

I think @WallaceinAnderland has pretty much nailed it. Whatever the reasons that this is how he is, sexually, he's not going to change.