Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

Arghhh.

So it wasn't that you would desperately in the mood for sex, but you felt sad for him and wanted to show him that you used to love him despite him lying to you, gaslighting you and raping you?

This isn't love sweetheart. A good man would have declined under the circumstances. Was this big chat where he admitted that he'd been lying to you for at least a month pretending he didn't remember the rape? There's a very definite cycle going on here that you have a big chat, where he promises he'll change, and you feel sad that he is sad, so you have sex. It's not a very healthy cycle. And remember, he gets turned on by you being upset... I know you're not ready to leave him yet, but I hope you will be one day, because you deserve better, and so do your children.

Saying that he doesn't remember raping you when he does, and he's got a distraught wife in front of him, isn't a white lie!! It also wouldn't have protected you, all it does is make out that you're crazy. This wasn't some innocent lie.

He clearly lies to you easily, it's just not acceptable behaviour, and it's not normal.

Has he sorted out joint access to money yet? It's very simple to do even though he's been lying to you and saying it's not.

I agree with this, and given you have found it difficult to open up in therapy previously, and worried the person you initially saw could somehow know your husband as they were in your area, I think you know you won’t get anything out of a therapy situation with him there. You would be watching what you say.

Do remember that you can change therapists if this one is not for you. Their approach seems a bit odd I must say. Not sure why they are pushing you for a different form of counselling when your current sessions are about you, not the relationship itself.

Are you ever able to be affectionate - hugging or supportive or one consoling the other verbally without it turning into either sex, rape or sexual pressure from him?

Oh OP. Your latest posts are even more heartbreaking. You’re so in the thick of the abuse - nice - abuse - nice cycle you can’t see the wood for the trees.

I am so sad for you. Please keep posting on here. You will re read these posts one day when you’re free.

I agree, it’s probably the most heartbreaking thread I’ve read on all my years on MN

The OP is do under the spell of this repulsive manipulative abuser that she’s accepting every lie he throws at her and accepting the abuse willingly.

Its like the fox has promised not to kill the chickens so she’s opened the door of the hen house and invited him in.

Its not victim blaming, its just she’s in so deep it’s easier to live in denial than face reality right now

The danger is the abuser can be very charming and the therapist may take his side. I think your therapist is not understanding the level of abuse here. I would advise you stop seeing her and find someone else.

Do you still “love it” though, each and every time? When he’s being rough and you have to be submissive?

He initiated and you said yes because you felt like it would make him feel good and because you felt guilty when he said he would accept you saying no rather than raping you.

I wish I could scoop you up and give you a hug and help you see this is not what love looks like.

x

You’re right it was straight after that conversation. He did admit the SA but said he couldn’t bring himself to at the start.

He did also say he didn’t realise that doing things when I’m sleeping was SA , but now he does and he’s sorry for that too.

Your post made me cry a bit because you are so kind and seem to genuinely care. It means a lot when there are so few people I can talk to about this.

I can’t seem to help how I feel and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can be upset and crying and he holds me and then I end up apologising for bringing it up because I know it must be painful for him. Then I want to show him I still love him and we end up making love. Then I cry afterwards but he’s asleep already .

You are a very lovely person. I feel like you really do care and it means a lot ❤️

I do find it helps so much to write things here. I find it easier than a journal , or therapy actually

It’s sad you cry afterwards… is it because you feel conflicted, or feel helpless and sad? Or all of these things.

OP your feelings are valid and must be very conflicted and confusing right now.
I agree with PP that he should have turned down sex with you and left it at just kissing if he really wants to build trust,
You don’t have to answer this here, but something to think about - when the sex started did you feel that if you had said you had changed your mind and wanted to stop that he would have listened to you? You crying afterwards indicates that you feel very conflicted, which is understandable. I don’t think you should have couples counselling - I do think he should go to counselling himself and you need a different therapist as she sounds out of her depth.

thank you for all your support it means so much to me ❤️

@DoesthislookgoodOnMe i cry because I feel devastated that this has happened to us. And I wish it didn’t. And I feel conflicted too, a bit confused about how I feel . Like if it was
rely that bad then why do I still want to?!

I say this with all the love and support in the world, this didn’t “happen to us,” he did this to you

I know that
but it’s easier to think of it like something which ‘happened’ rather than was done
I can make justify it a bit in my head then
Thank you for your kindness x

The net result is the same, for him, he gets to have sex. For you, you feel conflicted and crying.

He is pressing different buttons to get the same result, one day it is fear, next day is guilt, next day is "love".

He doesn't care, he is manipulating your emotions to serve his own desires with no thought to what you need

He did this to you. You said he is now accepting accountability, well you also need to accept that he (and he alone) is responsible for this.

You need to find your anger for what he has done to you and what he continues to put you through. That anger will help you take steps to protect yourself. While you still try to picture him as a victim, it will mess with your head.

This therapist is really ill-informed about abuse and should not be recommending couples work. If she is accredited, she should be reported to her professional body for advising this if you have told her about the relationship as you have communicated here. Likewise for advising you to write letters to your rapist. Abusers are often successful in manipulating the therapist and further undermining the victim. This can actually worsen the abuse. PM me if you would like to know what qualifies me to say this. I have personal experience of it too.

Also @ByPinkPoet0 no need to say sorry for asking questions. It’s good you have ladies that can answer the questions and help and listen to you.

Remember, I am many other victims of abuse did not identify it as “abuse” from a long time. We were all equally confused, baffled and had a feeling something wasn’t right. I wish I knew about mumsnet when i was younger. I would have probably saved myself years of misery.

I'm so desperately sad for OP and her children after seeing her posts today. I hope you continue building the strength you're obviously trying to build, and that you don't get hurt too much more along the way 💔

Agree.
Did you explain to the therapist about the rape and coercion? I’m just baffled that she thought couples therapy was a good idea.

I am deeply concerned about the suggestions the counsellor has made if they really have been told about the rape and sexual assaults. It’s staggeringly poor advice at best and dangerous at worst. Sorry OP I know that might not be overly helpful but I hope that a number of us being shocked by what the counsellor has suggested may help you if you also feel it doesn’t quite sit right with you.

@ByPinkPoet0 I bet your husband is absolutely charming, funny and well groomed. He must look “ perfect” to that outside world. This must add to your doubt about if people will believe you or question why you end the relationship. My ex husband was like this, he was so witty and charming with exceptional manners. The version of him I got was him throwing stuff, shouting, being financially abusive and at times forcing sex onto me and also watching me by cameras he’d installed in the house.
My point is this is a very usual trait of a narcissistic abuser. And it really really disturbs me that your therapist is making the suggestion. If I were you I would take @bigboykitty at her word and dm here as she sounds very knowledgeable on this subject. Take care xx

I’m sorry you went through that. The trouble is though I don’t think PinkPoet would recognise her husband from what you’ve described as most of the time he’s the charming, perfect husband inside the house too. He even tries to be ‘charming’ with his very persistent efforts at getting sex at any cost, most of the time. It doesn’t lessen what’s actually going on of course, but I worry she would read this and think my husband isn’t like that though so therefore I’m not being abused.