Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

I do sometimes say to him it makes me sad that he gives all his best at work and we get the cross parts of him. But his job is quite stressful and can be long hours which explains why he comes home pissed off sometimes.

he says it’s normal and all his mates are the same . They need time to de stress when they get in.

De stressing isn’t the same as shouting and throwing things at your family. This isn’t normal. OP is there anyone in RL you can talk to? You’re projecting this image to everyone you know that he’s perfect. He isn’t and it’s not your responsibility to cover for him.

Once a month is actually quite frequent, OP. That must be quite stressful. I used to work with a boss like this. It was a couple of decades ago. The knot in your stomach going up in the lift at work because you wouldn’t know what mood she’d be in. Ruined it for everybody. Then she’d come bearing gifts and be really OTT. It was erratic. Was so relieved when she moved to another team. Then the rest of us felt able to speak about it. We were grown adults in our 30s and it was upsetting.

If he manages to control his temper at his long hours/stressful job then he is making a choice to unleash it at you. That's because he sees you and the kids as less important and valuable than his job and work relationships.

You are not his emotional and sexual punch bag.

De stressing is going for a run, watching some tv. Not hurling insults at kids and throwing things.

Currently my job is very long hours and stressful (thankfully not always). Sometimes I go for a walk around the block or take a hot bath.

He does this EVERY MONTH?! And you don’t think it’s frequent?

Your kids are suffering. They are growing up stuck in the cycle of being abused and then being given extra ‘love’ to ‘make up for it’. If you think you’re confused, how do you think they feel?

I keep thinking this can’t get any worse, but it does. This is the deepest I think I’ve seen anyone stuck in such an abusive relationship with the most dangerous man I have ever read about on all my years on Mumsnet.

This is how trauma bonds are formed. I’m not sure if you’ve read about it as I know it’s been mentioned before, but for the sake of them, now might be the time to do some research

OP, I remember in my childhood my dad ONCE threw one of my toys at the wall in anger. It was utterly terrifying. Ive never forgotten it, and I'm 41 now. Imagine seeing things like this monthly, along with other outbursts if rage, frightening driving, screaming. Your kids will be utterly terrified.

Yes agreed! You need something just for you Poet - just you - you have 4 little kids and this husband who is self centred and the chance of you getting a minute to yourself must be really hard.

I’m so shocked that you think once a month is ‘not often’ OP for him to emotionally and verbally abuse your children with behaviour that would frankly be terrifying for them.

Once a month is absolutely loads. Not only are they not being shielded from his abuse of you, they are being abused themselves. The driving to scare you all as a punishment is a noted red flag for men who go on to physically harm their children. It is such a dangerous, cruel and frightening thing to do.

Once a month. These poor children. Have you told your counsellor about all of the behaviours being directed towards your children?

Oh, OP. Your husband is abusing your kids. You need to protect them from him by contacting domestic abuse charities, forming a safety plan and leaving. He is emotionally abusive to them. He is physically abusive to them.

How terrifying for a small child to do something completely normal like bicker in the car and have their parent violently react by speeding or slamming on the brakes - I am so, so sorry for your kids that they are living in this sort of environment of constant fear. They will undoubtedly grow up and repeat the patterns they are seeing modelled to them now, of abusing ot accepting abuse.

You said he wasn't abusive to them but this is not true. He has repeatedly abused them the same as he has you. I have been married for over a decade to a man who is six feet tall and he has never, ever punched anything that I am aware of.

You need to get your children out of there. You are their only hope. Google your local branch of Women's Aid (for example, "women's aid Norfolk") and speak with someone. You said that you would leave if he abused them.

You didn’t get the coercion accross? Does the therapist actually know the truth OP?
As others have said, your poor children.

I think most women would leave their husbands over the angry outbursts and calling them and their children insults, never mind the sexual abuse.

I have followed this whole thread and my jaw has dropped a little wider with every update.

OP, you are so deep in this abusive relationship that it is scary.

I don’t want to pile on for the sake of it, but this is a question of your love for this man being stronger than your desire to protect your children.

Think about that. You said you would leave if he ever put them at risk yet he does it frequently. Please think about the effect this is having on them. They are helpless, you are not. If you cannot leave for yourself, please get your children away from this abusive man.

Take care, you all deserve peace.

Please don’t be frightened away by everyone’s reactions to your revelations about his behaviour towards the children. I promise everyone has their best interests at heart. They’re being routinely abused and this will deeply affect them. The severity of the effects depends on how long they are forced to live full time with their abuser, your husband.

I was the kid in this abusive type of family.

Your kids are scared and it already has affected them. I remember stuff that happened when I was 3 and 4.

His outlet for stress and whatnot is abuse and you and your kids are in the cycle of abuse.

Your poor kids...

Well done for keeping posting here. I hope it continues to help you untangle it all.

I have a friend who lost her temper once with me and another friend in the car. She speeded and I was so damn scared that we were going to crash. I never got in the car with her again, even after she had apologised. She had previously before I knew her used her car in a suicide attempt, so she knew damn well how to use a vehicle as a weapon.

I cannot imagine what I would do if my husband sped up or slammed on the brakes with my children in the car. That's even more terrifying than with "just" adults. It is clear that he knows how to use a vehicle as a weapon too. This is chilling.

Every update gets more and more appealing and we’re now finding out that despite OP saying if he ever abused the kids she’d leave, in fact the kids are also caught up in the cycle of abuse from this absolutely disgusting repulsive POS.

He is without doubt the most dangerous manipulative abuser I’ve ever heard about either on MN or in RL. He is an abusive rapist who bullies his wife and kids into accepting his control and domination by ruling his family by fear.

Those poor kids. Their whole lives will be shaped and scarred by growing up in a home where abuse and control is normalised and they have no one fighting in their corner.

My heart breaks for them

Maybe he’s just an arsehole. Did you ever think that? We don’t need to use our brain making excuses for inexcusable behaviour.

My ex was speeding down the motorway and when I complained about something else he threatened to crash the car - both our kids were in the back and young but old enough to understand the threat.

The not knowing the version that comes home is him making you all walk on eggshells. I used to hate it when my ex husband used to come home. I feel sorry for you and your kids, I know what it’s like x

Please don’t think we are piling it on @ByPinkPoet0
I think from many of us it’s genuine concern and we want you to be ok and happy and safe along with your babies.

I think you need to untangle unconditional love here. At the moment, your kids should have unconditional love from you. They are small and are dependent on you for love, safety and security. You are their safe place.

Your husband should get love from you if he behaves like a safe person around your children and yourself. Is he really your safe place? You don’t have to answer but please consider all this. I really worry about your situation.

I know this post is challenging and I apologise, but you need to waken up. I am angry on your behalf.

This story just gets worse, though I don’t know why I’m surprised. Perhaps it’s because you said he was such a wonderful dad. No, he is not. This is not acceptable or normal behaviour.

I feel thoroughly depressed for you. Big successful career guy, doesn’t let you have sight of the bank account, but lets you spend your own money on yourself and you’re thankful because he lets you go to yoga and he punches pillows. He is extremely aggressive. Please listen to your gut.

You may not agree, but every single person on this thread is telling you that this is domestic abuse. It may take a few years, but you need a Plan B. You deserve better. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids. Your home is going to be explosive when your kids become teens. How will he react when they begin to challenge him? You said you worried about the effect of society. It’s much closer to home than that.

Your poor, poor children are suffering the same as you.
He abuses them but makes up for it with lots of cuddles so they feel safe again.
They are being abused.
You are choosing this man over their safety.
They have lives ahead of them full of emotional issues and will either become victims of other abuses or will carry out similar abuse on others.
Only you have the power to change this. Only you.

I’m really sorry I just needed to take a minute to read and process all your messages . I feel sick and it’s very overwhelming . I want you to know that I have read them and not ignoring

It’s really important to understand that this couldn’t be any more likely to set up your children to have abusive relationships themselves. It’s textbook.

For kids, the lesson they’re taking away here is “people who love me can scare me or hurt me, but that’s acceptable because they’ll say sorry and be nice after.”

That becomes the blueprint. It’s what they grow up seeing as normal, and it is one reason people end up in abusive relationships. The longer you stay with your husband, the more likely it is that your children will be in abusive relationships.