Trigger - husband SA. Why can’t I tell him and why do I feel guilty

[ByPinkPoet]

I posted this time last week when feelings/memories hit me like a ton of bricks about my husband having sex with me without my consent 3 years ago. I was pregnant, I cried and he didn’t stop. I clearly buried it until now and I am now an anxious, panicking mess. It’s occupying my mind constantly.

It was a one off. He has a high sex drive but he has not continued without consent since that night.

kind posters suggested r**e (still can’t write the word let alone say it) crisis charity and therapy. I am booked for therapy this week. RC suggested I talk to him about it in the meantime to try and alleviate the anxiety and see if he remembers/ accepts responsibility for it. I am not afraid of his reaction in the sense of my safety but I am frozen with feelings of guilt. Everytime I open my mouth to ask him to talk about it nothing comes out.

Guilt that the very mention of it will destroy him and how he feels about us

Guilt that it will impact our marriage and our 4 young children.

Guilt that I am being selfish and just need to let it be, he deserves another chance etc etc

Why is this?! Has anyone been in a similar situation and a Frank and honest conversation has helped you move forward in your relationships ? Has anyone come back from abuse is it possible?

I feel if I just knew why - why he thought that was ok on that particular occasion then I might be able to recover

I know it is very hard for some posters to understand why I don’t just up and leave but that is not an option at the moment. if you replied to my first thread and find it unbelievable that I’m asking for advice again and still not doing anything about it then I’m sorry. I am seeing a therapist this week so at least there’s that.

Please be kind I’m a fucking mess and feel like my life is crashing down around me

@YourOliveBalonz yes you have a valid point, the op’s husband is more self contained to the inside and outside world. @ByPinkPoet0 abuse comes it lots of shapes and forms so if your husband doesn’t fit what I say, there is more than one version.

Op I went to counselling with my abuser, I was oblivious about the dangers of this. The counsellor was hopeless at identifying that this systematic abuser was basically taking me to her and outwardly telling her we weren’t there to discuss his shortcomings, only mine. He’d go mad if I pointed out any of his flaws, he took a rager one day and stormed out her house slamming the door so hard her house shook. She asked me if I was scared of him and I said no. She should have called the police, instead she allowed him to continue until
i decided I wasn’t going back. She should have helped me, she made it worse

Where I am, if there was suspected abuse with a couple in couples or marital therapy, the joint therapy would be discontinued and individual therapy for both suggested with different therapists for each person. That's how seriously it's taken not to do joint therapy with an abusive partner.

You were so terrified he would find out what you were saying, you would only talk to an online counsellor, in secret, with your parents paying. How do you think it would suddenly work with you saying those things in front of him in joint counselling?

It wouldn't, you wouldn't be able to truly express yourself freely. He will use the therapy to further his agenda to make you doubt yourself and cut off an avenue of potential support.

I think there is a huge different between for example a very experienced clinical psychologist and a newly trained counsellor.
And I know there are some fantastic counsellors out there but I think OP here needs someone with significant experience in this area.
The joint counselling thing is such a bad recommendation. It’s glaringly obvious.
I hope in time OP can access someone with experienced.
Her husband needs a psychiatrist and even then I doubt it would make a difference - if you read Lundy Bancroft these men don’t change.

It's Not Your Fault When You Give In | Lundy Bancroft https://share.google/mTs54Izu29xw22Tni

I will PM you , thank you

I don’t really know if I got the corrosion across properly but I definitely told her about the SA because I described it and she said I didn’t need to go into detail because it was reliving the trauma. She also recommended a specialist SA service which I’m already on the waitlist for but it’s long sadly

@DoesthislookgoodOnMe He is extremely charming, funny and lovely to everyone, including me, most of the time. He has loads of friends. My family loves him. This is why I feel really powerless to tell anyone who knows him as they won’t believe me or think it is not ‘that bad’ in the context of what a perfect husband he is.

thank you for sharing and I’m sorry you went through that x

@YourOliveBalonz is right I don’t recognise much of that - it’s mainly ‘just’ the sexual stuff. Which is why I’ve brushed it aside for so long.

he also shouts when he’s mad, calls me and the kids idiots or stupid, slams doors, and he has been known to throw things occasionally when he’s really frustrated. He threw a kids plate at the wall once and it smashed but that’s probably the worst thing in terms of angry outbursts. It also doesn’t happen often. once every few months or so. Another big trigger for him is if the kids are crying or fighting in the car he will slam the brakes on or drive too fast.

another thing he does is when he gets angry he shouts and punches pillows which I always throught was a good thing to get the anger out safely?

When you write it all down it looks bad but these are things that happen over a year and it doesn’t feel that bad in real life. Everyone loses their temper sometimes , life is stressful with 4 young kids and a messy, chaotic house.

I’m 60 years old, I was married for 25 years and my DH never once behaved like that.

Every single thing you’re saying about him is a huge glowing red flag for abuse - not one of the things you list is normal behaviour in a relationship, let alone all of them in one person.

Hes literally shown you more red flags than a communist party parade.

Its really concerning that you’re so deeply under his spell that you really can’t see how abusive and dangerous this man is.

I will read this and I’ve also been reading the book you mentioned unthread on my phone this evening. The chapter on sex is very interesting and I recognise a lot there . The power and control dynamic part especially

thank you for recommending it

I'm sorry to say but I guarantee this behaviour is terrifying for your children. The name calling and shouting is emotional abuse of them and you. The driving too fast to scare them is a noted behaviour of violent abusers.

The fact it isn't all the time doesn't help, in many ways it makes it worse because they never know which version of dad will be around so they are on eggshells all the time.

I’m sorry OP but I have been with my DH for many years, we have gone through lots together, including the stresses of young kids, mental health issues, addiction and recovery, a busy, messy and chaotic house and never once has he behaved like this. Not once. It’s not normal. It’s so deeply worrying that you think it is.

So he IS abusing your children as well then. By shouting, calling them names, throwing things, and quite literally playing with their lives by slamming breaks on or driving too fast when they annoy him.

OP please, please re think your decision to stay. Your children are being traumatised by this man.

Kindly, OP it isn't ‘just’ the sexual stuff is it? He shouts and throws things, which is distressing for you and your DCs. He actively endangers you all in the car because he chooses not to manage his temper.
You said previously that you didn’t believe he was a danger to your DCs, but he is - he’s scaring them by shouting and putting them at risk by throwing things and driving dangerously.
Does he acknowledge these? Does he say he’ll try to change these things?
I understand you love him and you can’t just turn that off, but please think hard about what you love about him.
As others have said - I’ve been married for almost thirty years and of course we’ve had rows, but my DH has never thrown something at me or near me, punched pillows or other items or put me at risk by driving recklessly. He’s never tried to SA me either. Your DH’s actions don’t reflect love or care, they reflect anger, control and abuse. I hope you can eventually see this. Please stay safe,

Glad you are reading the book. I know several women it has helped and it is such a relief to see you are not the only one experiencing this, the patterns are common enough to be in a book! These men are not special, that's why so many women here recognise these traits. They somehow work from similar scripts

Completely agree. These poor kids are growing up in an abusive home being given an example of relationships that is toxic and one sided. Despite OP claiming they are safe and they adore him, there must be times when they’re terrified of him

His entire world is about control and domination. Everyone had to dance to his tune or suffer the consequences.

And sadly the kids will continue the cycle and take their abusive childhood forward into their own relationships

OP I know you don't ever want anyone to find out (nor will they unless you tell them), but I guarantee you not everybody in your life who knows him would be surprised to know that he's an abuser. There will be signs that some other people pick up on. There was something about my friend's now husband that I didn't like and couldn't quite put my finger on when I first met him. He turned out to be a coercive controller. Almost everyone thinks he's the greatest man on earth.

I can see you have probably minimised a lot of things to yourself, to have not even thought they were worth mentioning in this thread before. He actually does sound a lot like the ex partner of @DoesthislookgoodOnMe

Even without the shouting and hitting/throwing things, it crosses a line when he calls you and the kids stupid. There is contempt behind that, that’s not a normal thing to say even in anger - not to your spouse. Does he ever apologise after these angry episodes or, much like the bedroom stuff, does he just pretend it never happened and it all goes back to normal with you and the children just relieved everything is OK again.

I know you have said you would act if the children are at risk @ByPinkPoet0 but if he is slamming on the breaks and speeding in the car, what are you doing about that?

Edit: I realise this may read as harsh, I’m not blaming you for the situation, but I suppose I am wanting you to confront the reality that your children are not actually safe here…

another thing he does is when he gets angry he shouts and punches pillows which I always throught was a good thing to get the anger out safely?

Oddly enough, no, this is not the safe way. You might think so, but it actually reinforces the trigger happy ‘attack’ in anger reaction. I know this from experts. The safe way is to mentally disengage by, for example counting to ten. Also to have a daily practice of a sort of meditative calming exercise where you tense then relax one section of your body at a time.

@YourOliveBalonz
I understand it’s not coming from a place of being harsh.

he always apologises a lot, to me and them. Once he’s had his moment , and these are not that frequent maybe once a month or so, he will always give them extra hugs and stories at bedtime and tell them how sorry he is.

@ScrollingLeaves hes actually taken on meditation as a way of coping as well as going to the gym helps him regulate apparently.

I think this is a good description for all of us. I said this to my friend that we never know which version of him is going to come home from work.

She seemed to agree this is common and acknowledged it sounds like he struggles to manage his emotions. She mentioned maybe he has mental health issues ? I haven’t brought this up with him yet

“ he will always give them extra hugs and stories at bedtime and tell them how sorry he Is”

OP this is what he does to you - does something scary and distressing, then says he’s sorry. You find this upsetting and confusing. Your DCs are experiencing the same - Daddy shouting and being scary, then being over loving and apologising - on repeat. This is really disturbing for children. I don’t this to be unkind, but this is affecting your children, no matter how much you try to protect them. He’s teaching them that this is what normal looks like in a relationship.

Does he lose his temper at his boss? Does he throw things and break things at work?

If not, this is a behaviour choice. He chooses to act like this around you because he knows he can get away with it.

Yes, the extra hugs and stories are almost more distressing (I was the kid in this scenario) so I feel it in my bones.

They will grow up associating affection with fear.