husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

he has told DC they were nonchalant about it. they know about message with other women as overheard befoee and had told him if they find proof of affair they don’t want to speak to him ever again, They also seem a bit like they don’t care too much if he goes or stays. he has also been prepping them I have found out to cover himself.

Sounds like a sociopathic narcissist unfortunately. They are hard to fight. Easier to just move on with your own life, imagine everything to do with him as white noise in the background. Some people will see through him eventually, but by then you should have moved on and wont care either way.

From another, on the wrong side of 50, and who has ben through two abusive marriages - first one with two babies - he had an affair and left us when they were 2 & 1 - worked for 'our' company but not a director. No safe income but i did her the marital home once settled. By god that fight nearly broke me. Twenty years later i now have another exH - old friend from school, severe MH issues so we split but are still friends. My kids turned out just fine - i protected their emotions/co-parented best I could with a verbal abuser -pleased to say DC are both emotionally stable young adults, now in careers post uni and in first homes with partners. I am the happiest i've been in my life now I'm relationship free, loving my latest downsized snuggly little home, and my two dogs by my side. I never thought i'd say this BUT IM SO GLAD exH #1 left us 🤣💪

How far in are you with the sofa? Is it worth relinquishing it? That would get rid of one bill.

Honestly Op stop doing things for him. If his car insurance etc runs out that's up to him. Grey rock all the way.

By the way it's no fault divorce now anyway so its pretty irrelevant how each party behaves.

It's pretty unusual for a couple in their 50s, together for decades and working fulltime, to have nothing other than debt to show for it. Are you 100% sure he's not been siphoning money off for himself?

a year amd a bit in - 10 months left

we have just both been a bit crap
with money and its only in last 2 years we have had better paid jobs otherwise not much more than min wage x 2 and with rent, kids bills etc it never went far. we often had to borrow to pay bulls even just a fee years back which left us with high interest credit cards.

sure he has no money as i have always handled it,its onlt recently he has had app for his account wages go in , I have always had to deal with transferring to account bills comes out of. Im a fool as I should of syphined some away all these years. He is a very stubborn person and will live in the car, it also means he then becomes the victim. I have even said he can stay here until next month, so has enough to at least rent a room somewhere. So he has options but I don’t think he can look at me as the guilt is too much. his pain matters more than mine or the DC. just broken down and he heard me but said nothing

Ok. Probably not worth relinquishing then.

I divorced late 50’s and with someone much nicer and more respectful now.
I’m sorry you're in this situation OP but if he wants to be with someone else let him go. Don’t beg. You deserve so much better.

He's sleeping on it isn't he? Another good reason to get rid of it, and him.

When is a good time exactly? Just before she goes to work? When she's at work? Would 8pm have been better than 10pm?

Plus, he's hardly a bastard for being honest about their relationship.

This is where you need to get good legal advice. While it doesn’t happen that often, he still may be expected to offer you lifetime spousal maintenance. You’ve had a 20 year marriage and in that time you’ve possibly earned less through staying at home or working part-time or something like that. And that will need to be taken into account in how things like pensions are split. Don’t underestimate how much his could be worth.

as for whether there is another woman or not. It’s irrelevant for divorce and psychologically it’s simply a form of torture. You’ll never get the truth and you can only torture yourself trying to find the truth. Any energy spent fixating on this aspect is wasted energy and will distract you from establishing what you really need to know.

Good luck in this next step. I hope in a few months time you come back and let us know how you’re now breathing a sigh of relief to be away from a loveless marriage, and that you have found renewed hope optimism in all the friends, activities, and hobbies you’ve now taken up now he’s gone.

It's not possible to just have someone taken off a tenancy agreement sadly

Totally agree 👍

Not for long term renters - not everyone has the means to get a mortgage!

He's not being honest, he's pretending he 'fell out of love' when in fact he met someone else

It can be done, all depends on the landlord, council or HA. But typically, and most likely in this scenario, he will have to sign to agree he is taking his name off and handing tenancy over to OP.

This should defo be one of the first things you should do OP, as if he realises later he has made a mistake and wants to come back, if his name is on the TA still, you might find it hard to actually get him to leave.

he will be on a better salary soon as got promotion and decent pay rise
What a coïncidence ! That and the female coworker...
I just have to look around me to see that it's true what they say; most men don't go from a hot to a cold bed. He's got someone else lined up for him and he also wants to keep his new payrise to himself. Asshole. I know it doesn't feel like it now but in a years time you will feel relief about him having left.

Bullshit.
The cunt has another one lined up.
He will drip feed and wheedle until the very last minute that he has to admit it.

Sorry you’re going through this op.

Agree stop begging him to reconsider. Even if he did eventually want to come back, you are worth more than to let him waste your time and mess you about like that.

Whatever you do please don’t drag your kids into it.

Let him live in the car.
He won't, he will go and live with her, let her take care of the driveling mess.
It won't be chocolates and flowers now, so that's on her.

Maybe before he started getting dopamine hits from his work colleague. Or when he started ‘feeling unhappy’ 6 months ago.

I too think he is still cheating. But trying to look innocent. It’s predictable and boring.

Op this is a reflection of him not you. The first person we lie to is ourself. He wants to remain The Good Guy. The one who didn’t cheat. Who did the right thing. But he knows he is not.

Even if he did stay - many marriages break down around 3-5 years later when the person cheated on realises the man they share a home with is just a bit of a loser.

I would never judge anyone for trying to fix the relationship or make it work. But if he remains I bet you will never fully respect him again. Because he has proven he’s unreliable and a bit of a saddo liar. It’s really hard to unsee.

By overstepping with the woman a while back (which I imagine is still ongoing - check the mobile phone bills for the past 12 months - he may be daft enough to phone or text her) he has had to justify to himself why that is acceptable. So he has painted a bleak picture of you, your marriage, his happiness in his head.

We are what we mentally feed ourselves. He will have also had dopamine hits from the colleague. This combination means he knows he’s an arse but he feels wonderful as smoke is being blown up his arse by the woman. So it couldn’t be him - it must be your fault.

My friend’s husband left and part of the reason was the stress of family life and the fact she would like another child.

Now their kids are a bit more independent as they are at school and he is in a smaller rented house, paying maintenance, business folded due to the separation and debts mean his credit is shot and now he has a baby on the way.

She kept the house they owned and has taken on the mortgage after buying him out. I’m not sure he expected this outcome when he was having secret shags during the working day. But here he is.

She looked lovely anyway but has now increased her activity and started sports clubs as she has far more free time. He juggles the 3, soon to be 4 kids every other weekend. Something he struggled with when they were together. I’m really not sure he thought at all about consequences. But he certainly looks run down and not as ‘happy go lucky’.

Choices have consequences - let him sleep in his car (don’t renew his insurance and don’t mention it - let him deal with the consequences of you not being controlling).

But it’s not your fault and don’t feel shame.