husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

I'm sorry this has happened to you.
You have been reasonable and generous under the circumstances.

Don't ask him to stay...ask him to leave today. He wants out, let him see the reality.
Start sorting out the finances today.

Perhaps you can't afford the divorce yet, but you can try and find a family law solicitor who might give you an hour free to find out where you stand.
I'm sure I read somewhere that you can lodge a legal separation document somewhere which helps to prove, if you need to, that you are no longer together. I'm sure someone on MN will know about it, if it exists.

Once you feel more in control, it is easier to see the wood from the trees. Unfortunately it won't help with the hurt but you will feel that you are doing something for yourself.

So sorry to hear about your friend dying OP. So sorry your H has done this to you. It amazes me how men can turn like this.

Don’t listen to the people insisting it’s an affair. People on here are obsessed with affairs. FWIW, it sounds to me like kids been grown and his promotion are big factors. Plus mid life crisis.

The good news is you do have a job to cover the house and your costs. That’s a bonus over some other women in your position. I have a friend older than you whose H fucked off whwn the kids grew. Similar, they rented. But she had also been SAHM. She got nothing at all, didn’t have money to fight and gave up.

You have the kids, the house, a job. You may not have the pension you want, but you have some pension. Remember what you do have more than what you don’t.

Sorry if this has already been said but if you rent and both names on tenancy, then he is still liable for that for the term of the tenancy.

except he hasn’t been homest has he ? apparently hes been feeling this way for 6 months and only recently when i pulled up some deleted messages /inappropriate behaviour with another women that it has suddenly came up. he has been anything but homest these last few months

also this post was asking for a hand hold why shopt someone when they are already down. you could have read and scrolled by or even said , sorry for you but maybe thats what he wants you have to accept it. but honest is not something he has been for months

Where do I find ‘The Script’?

you really need proper legal advice, particularly around pension sharing remedies.

His pension is very much in play. Pensions are treated as marital assets, and the fact you worked part-time to raise children and supported him when he wasn’t working counts. the law recognises non-financial contributions.

you don’t need to afford a divorce upfront. Many family solicitors offer a free initial consultation, and if there’s a big financial imbalance, the court can order your husband to contribute all legal costs. There are also deferred-fee options paid from the settlement.
you should not agree to anything informal or assume “keeping it amicable” means walking away with nothing. Once a financial order is made, it’s usually final. You need full financial disclosure of all his pensions because that’s a legal requirement.

I’m so sorry he’s floored you with this @beingtakenforafool. I wouldn’t be generous and offer him a month on the sofa. You don’t owe him anything.
Hope you managed a little sleep. Take today off work and spend some time processing it all

i agree men and women can be friends and other female colleagues he is friends with , no issue. hes even gone out socialising as a group with them.but deleted messages and behaviour in front of me , made me treat this one different, your gut feeling tells you something not quite right so i called him up on it. I wholeheartedly trusted him and he may not have done anything physical yet, but he crossed some boundaries and knew it would hurt me, to then say he cannot do this anymore and been feeling this way for 6 months - maybe more, I feel our whole relationship could have been a lie or the last few years anyway, hes tainted everything..

I would suggest that you stop thinking of reasons for him wanting to leave, whatever it is, it's not helping you. The best thing to do is to be practical, I know it's hard but doing something is better than going round and round in your head for reasons. Ask him what he is planning on doing and the timescale. Tell him that the tenancy needs to be sorted and that you need to sort out the debts. While he has the joint tenancy you can't ask him to leave unless he is abusive, he will probably have to sign over the tenancy at some point so in the meantime you need to establish how you are going to deal with him being in the house but no longer together. Find out if you are entitled to any benefits.
It's better to be by yourself than be with a person who really doesn't want to be with you. I'm not saying that to upset you, but it's the reality. Your children are young adults, they won't be with you in the house for much longer, being stuck with a person who doesn't want to be there would be a nightmare.
Things can and will improve, you just need to give it time.

Another one who has been there.
I would say if there isn't someone else now there may well be in the near future.

My exH was historically unfaithful which is why we ultimately split but, I realised afterwards, that he was on the dating apps before he moved out and soon met a new, much younger (obvs) woman. Even with his unfaithful past, I was still shocked & hurt by how quickly he moved on so definitely mentally prepared yourself for that.

He is way ahead of you in that he has no doubt been plotting this for at least six months if not longer which is why he can be so cold, and can snore away on the sofa while you are awake reeling. It will take you time to catch up.
Definitely confide in a close friend/family member because you will need their support going forward. x

I came to say exactly this.

Alone is peace. If you can afford to hold onto your house, that is wonderful.

You said you have older DCs. Did you work less when they were younger? You will get a significant chunk of his pension to make up the gaps in yours if so.

Make sure you get advice from a lawyer as soon as possible. Don’t cede any ground verbally until you’ve got good advice.

he is leaving today, he has nowhere to go but sleeping in his car is preferable. he said he would sign the tenancy over and he would even send some money towards debt, but I don’t believe anything he says now. the reality when he finds a place and has to pay out, there won’t be money left. tenancy he will sign im sure as it means he is not liable for any debt going forward, so thats a win for him. plus he is already putting things in motion to try and look the good guy. he's had time to plan a lot of this and sort his head out, I haven’t.

So sorry to hear this - I've been in this situation and it will get easier, but of course it doesn't feel like this at the moment.

If you contact Citizens Advice they will be able to help you with things like a list of solicitors who offer initial free legal advice and also family law centres in your area. They will have experience and can give you an initial steer and advice. Some solicitors often will defer their fees too. I would go ahead with the divorce if you possibly can,because you'll absolutely be entitled to half his pension built up during your marriage. Actually the fact there's no other assets in the marriage will be to your advantage as in theory it should make your divorce more straightforward (and therefore cheaper).

Definitely take some time off work to give yourself a chance to get over this huge shock. He doesn't deserve you - you've loyally propped him up all these years. But I expect he'll struggle as he seems incapable of doing even basic financial stuff. But you can do all this - and will be absolutely fine in the end.

Have you lost all empathy for OP whose thread it is?

Your post might be right but it's cold.

He is lying so you don’t tell his family and friends he cheated.

He’s being so cold and selfish . Kindly say to him that he needs to leave ! You need him out , declutter his shit together and start nesting . Within weeks you will start to feel in control of your life . He doesn’t care about you . To hear you cry and ignore you , that speaks volumes and tells you all you need to know . You and your children will be ok , and in time , you will start loving your life and freedom. He on the other hand will probably regret what he has done and beg you back . Jog on mr cold , I ain’t crying for you no more !

plus he is already putting things in motion to try and look the good guy.

What is he doing? I would be telling his family he cheated.

It’s pretty extreme to say you’re going to sleep in a car.

Don’t want to worry you, but are there any other behaviours that are out of character? Reason I ask is because there’s a small chance he’s having a breakdown.

Are you absolutely sure you want him to sign the tenancy over?

You have only been presented with this info last night. You can ask him for time to make some decisions. If he wants to sleep elsewhere for now, fine, but he can’t push you into taking on the family home.

Your children are adults. I do understand this would be very difficult to do but ultimately as you don’t own the property and you have ok earnings you have the opportunity to absolutely rebuild a life of your own.

You could talk to your DC about their plans and leave him to close down the family home as and when they leave to start their own lives.

He is abandoning your marriage, but he shouldn’t be abandoning the kids. If he doesn’t want you there - maybe it’s you that has the fresh start?

Why should he get to walk out of all the responsibilities? You could, if you want, just force him to take it over.

Someone always says this when there is a man behaving like a bit of a shit.
It's highly unlikely he's having a breakdown. More likely he has been unfaithful or is interested in someone else.

Outside of your marriage, people are too busy with their own lives to label you the nag and him the victim. What other people think is worthless.
How you and your children feel is what matters.
It is very clear that he’s planned to leave when he got his promotion - whoever he’s entangled with, that will have been discussed.
Putting it bluntly, you have lived him for many years but, in the cold light of day, any woman who would take on a man in his 50’s who can’t play a role in running a home, and has to sleep in his car when he leaves it, must want her head testing.
Sending texts or having an emotional affair is different to being lumbered with a man who can’t even insure his own car.
Whatever he’s saying to your DC, they aren’t small. They will work it out.
As for your workplace, again, people aren’t stupid. They will have the measure of him.
You are in the thick of it right now but one day, when that sofa is paid for and you have recovered, you will have a new sense of freedom and I reckon you will sort things out financially and have a better life.
Feel for you so much, he’s an absolute shit.
Tell him to leave and play the victim. Pathetic.

agree with this….

much, much more likely he says he’s in the car but is in fact at an OW’s place

So even after 27 years together, you think that OP's DH is perfectly entitled to just drop this bombshell and leave with no care or concern for his ex-wife and children?

Of course he is being selfish. He is entitled to do what he is doing but it does make him a horrible person and OP is understandably shocked and scared about the future.

Posters post on the Relationships board for help, advice and, hopefully, some empathy and kindness which seem to be beyond you.

You will be happier without him. Friends, family, job, hobbies. You can live a full life. Down size if you need to, your kids are adults and can understand what’s going on. If they want to live with you they have to help out with rent.