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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

husband told me he is leaving me

490 replies

beingtakenforafool · 24/02/2026 22:29

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

OP posts:
Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours · 25/02/2026 00:07

, since my divorce I've become a gigging musician @Properjob I misread 'gigging' as 'giggling' which sounded awesome tbh

@beingtakenforafool you're allowed to grieve, but any shame here is not yours. You've some excellent advice about next steps and I will add that in next few days & weeks, be gentle with yourself. The shock of this will take its toll so ride the waves and make sure you eat nourishing food.

Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours · 25/02/2026 00:09

beingtakenforafool · 25/02/2026 00:03

If i was sure he was cheating I would have left but all i have is a doubt will never fully now or have proof. adult dc have said if cheating or they find out then they will have nothing to do with him. but we will never know fully

You're neither a fool or an idiot. Every marriage hits rough patches and it's both normal and a sign of your character that you chose to believe the best of him. That he's let you down so badly is a reflection on him, not you

Properjob · 25/02/2026 00:22

Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours · 25/02/2026 00:07

, since my divorce I've become a gigging musician @Properjob I misread 'gigging' as 'giggling' which sounded awesome tbh

@beingtakenforafool you're allowed to grieve, but any shame here is not yours. You've some excellent advice about next steps and I will add that in next few days & weeks, be gentle with yourself. The shock of this will take its toll so ride the waves and make sure you eat nourishing food.

@Onlyhereforthebatshitneighbours There's been a lot of giggling too! 😁

Hope you get a little sleep OP and get support tomorrow x

MyLoftyTaupeCritic · 25/02/2026 00:22

I'm so sorry this is happening.My husband was having emotional affair .It was devastating.I left he arranged marriage counselling and after a take no s##t counsellors he realised if he wanted me to stay things had to be very different .I was incredibly unhappy in the marriage at the time and kept asking him and telling him.He ignored and said we fine .There's obviously issues a long time with you husband's happiness and may be yours .I advise asking him to go to counselling not for repair but to understand .You are in shock and devastation right now .But I do think get counsel immediately on your situation .Take photo of evidence of assets and pensions .. I'm in my 50s ..you might find you could be happy alone .I Def felt that way .You probably entitled to half of everything.. Decide whether you would be better off without this man who's just done this .My best friend I told and she instructed.me tell no one ...keep stable until you see lay of land .She gave me a bottle of her perfume.I would spray it feel her strength with me . Have you someone close you can confide in ? Honestly best of luck .. You can do this. You probably feeling it alone for years 🥺

FloofBunny · 25/02/2026 00:23

leopardandspots · 24/02/2026 22:56

Just wanted to say I am sorry. It sounds like another classic tale of a dissatisfied aging male thinking he can reinvent himself in the greener grass elsewhere, rather than nurturing and watering what he has at home. Sigh.
It has happened to many of us. In briefest summary, you are in shock now, you think you never will recover and recover from the feelings you have now, but ...you most certainly will survive then thrive.
I also was the wrong side of 50 when my now ex H of 15 years blamed, gaslit, hurt and deceived me for a younger OW that he now dislikes. BUT when I was still recovering I met some-one. A kind, faithful widower who really values being in a relationship with me, is really open, wears his heart on his sleeve and despite his past bereavement remains a cup half full person.
That is my theory- is it's the cup half empty partners/ husbands who do this, they have permanent dissatisfaction, attributable not to their marriages, but their own internal demons.
Just take it in small stages. Confide in friends and family and get support on here. Be kind to yourself. Then get your finances in order.

This is very insightful. The Grand Walk-Out happened to a friend of mine and to me, and both our husbands were the glass-half-empty types. Malcontents, they were. Neither of them happy in their new lives. Mine was unhappy with me and unhappy after me, and unhappy before he knew me - I think he hates it that he can't blame me for that as well!

MyLoftyTaupeCritic · 25/02/2026 00:25

Don't go into work tomorrow.Ring in sick .you'll. be extremely vulnerable . This is not something small . Go cofide in your GP but at this stage keep people you tell very tight

CastlesinSpain · 25/02/2026 00:30

If I were you I'd pack a bag and move out tonight and leave him to it. Cancel everything you pay for around the house and leave him to cope and go and have some fun and freedom. Let him deal with the fallout when he wakes up tomorrow.

CarlStoleMyUnderpants · 25/02/2026 00:34

CastlesinSpain · 25/02/2026 00:30

If I were you I'd pack a bag and move out tonight and leave him to it. Cancel everything you pay for around the house and leave him to cope and go and have some fun and freedom. Let him deal with the fallout when he wakes up tomorrow.

And go where?

Daygloboo · 25/02/2026 00:52

beingtakenforafool · 24/02/2026 22:31

last couple months we had some issued due to his friendship with co worker, but I thought we had sorted that and were in a much better place. Going by what he had told me , but clearly that was all lies. how do you get out of this hole and feeling , im wrong side of 50 and will likely be on my own forever

Not necessarily. There's every chance you could meet a nice man in the future. Your husband wants to be ' in love'. Good luck to him. In love only lasts a certain amount of time and then it ends up being the same as any other relationship that goes through highs and lows and you have to work on.. . What a dick. You're better off without him.

beingtakenforafool · 25/02/2026 01:04

CastlesinSpain · 25/02/2026 00:30

If I were you I'd pack a bag and move out tonight and leave him to it. Cancel everything you pay for around the house and leave him to cope and go and have some fun and freedom. Let him deal with the fallout when he wakes up tomorrow.

if it weren’t for dc i would, yes they are technically adults but they would see that as me walking out on them.I guess i could go to family and say he can stay for a month until he saves for a deposit and let him get on with everything around here, but would be concerned if he then lets me back ? don’t want to loose house and DC . unless i get house signed in my name 1st and suggest he stays until he saves to sort something just so at least for a but he has to sort it all. car insurance etc is due soon he has no idea how to do that, mobile sim car is in my name so I can cancel that and he has no phone so again will need to sort. in fact lot I could do if I wanted to be nasty as he has left me to deal with it all, but now of course its because im controlling! i never wanted the financial burden all on me and worry of bills and how we would pay etc, he has had none of that

OP posts:
Muffinmam · 25/02/2026 01:05

beingtakenforafool · 24/02/2026 22:31

last couple months we had some issued due to his friendship with co worker, but I thought we had sorted that and were in a much better place. Going by what he had told me , but clearly that was all lies. how do you get out of this hole and feeling , im wrong side of 50 and will likely be on my own forever

You need to secure your financial future and then put all of your attention and energy into nurturing yourself.

There are videos online of women who leave relationships who have a glow up after their divorces and look absolutely amazing. There is one woman who is morbidly obese and just tired and run down and after the breakdown of her relationship put all of her energy into herself (going to the gym and taking care of herself) and was physically transformed.

Your husband is having a midlife crisis. It’s awful for you - but if you do remain single it will be your choice.

I dated a guy whose parents divorced later in life and his mum married a multi-millionaire and moved into a beautiful new house overlooking a lake.

This is an opportunity for you. You get to reinvent yourself.

beingtakenforafool · 25/02/2026 01:07

Daygloboo · 25/02/2026 00:52

Not necessarily. There's every chance you could meet a nice man in the future. Your husband wants to be ' in love'. Good luck to him. In love only lasts a certain amount of time and then it ends up being the same as any other relationship that goes through highs and lows and you have to work on.. . What a dick. You're better off without him.

I guess time could change things but I don’t think I would ever trust anyone or let anyone get close ever again. 27 years is so long to be with someone, he was also my best friend and I told him everything .ive lost my husband and best friend all at once. my only itger best friend passed away 2 years ago, the one who would have hopped in a car and be with me now

OP posts:
beingtakenforafool · 25/02/2026 01:15

MyLoftyTaupeCritic · 25/02/2026 00:22

I'm so sorry this is happening.My husband was having emotional affair .It was devastating.I left he arranged marriage counselling and after a take no s##t counsellors he realised if he wanted me to stay things had to be very different .I was incredibly unhappy in the marriage at the time and kept asking him and telling him.He ignored and said we fine .There's obviously issues a long time with you husband's happiness and may be yours .I advise asking him to go to counselling not for repair but to understand .You are in shock and devastation right now .But I do think get counsel immediately on your situation .Take photo of evidence of assets and pensions .. I'm in my 50s ..you might find you could be happy alone .I Def felt that way .You probably entitled to half of everything.. Decide whether you would be better off without this man who's just done this .My best friend I told and she instructed.me tell no one ...keep stable until you see lay of land .She gave me a bottle of her perfume.I would spray it feel her strength with me . Have you someone close you can confide in ? Honestly best of luck .. You can do this. You probably feeling it alone for years 🥺

he won’t entertain counselling under any circumstances. he is acting very cold yet saying its hard for him to, whilst snoring downstairs on the sofa.I have asked him to try for a bit longer as feel unfair I have not known how he has felt and had no time to work on anything. how can you fight for a marriage on your own, when the other person knows nothing about it. i don’t see how another month or so in the grand scheme of things matters , infact means he has a roof over his head as he has nowhere to go just sleep in his car and not enough money to rent anywhere yet, no rEal friends

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 25/02/2026 01:24

beingtakenforafool · 25/02/2026 01:04

if it weren’t for dc i would, yes they are technically adults but they would see that as me walking out on them.I guess i could go to family and say he can stay for a month until he saves for a deposit and let him get on with everything around here, but would be concerned if he then lets me back ? don’t want to loose house and DC . unless i get house signed in my name 1st and suggest he stays until he saves to sort something just so at least for a but he has to sort it all. car insurance etc is due soon he has no idea how to do that, mobile sim car is in my name so I can cancel that and he has no phone so again will need to sort. in fact lot I could do if I wanted to be nasty as he has left me to deal with it all, but now of course its because im controlling! i never wanted the financial burden all on me and worry of bills and how we would pay etc, he has had none of that

Its not being a bitch or being controlling to do any of that stuff.

You message him once (email and text, do both) informing him that as he has ended your marriage you are no longer taking responsibility for his life admin. So that in 7 days you will be cancelling phone etc and he has to sort it all out for himself. Also inform him that you expect him to continue to pay his half of the finance agreements you took out together, and if he refuses you will be requesting this to be taken from his pension in lieu during the divorce.

I know you cant afford a divorce right now but it may well scare him into paying his share atleast for the first few months, which should help keep the wolves from the door.

Be prepared for him to decide that he doesnt want to leave after all. When he looks at the figures, how much rent etc will cost (it sounds like you are not high earners) he may well realise that he had it better sharing costs with you. What you do when if that happens is up to you but personally I would be making sure that you have the tenancy in your name only asap and then tell him to sling his hook.

This isnt cruel or petty or controlling, this is handing him the first prize in the game he started, its called Consequences.

Daygloboo · 25/02/2026 01:27

beingtakenforafool · 25/02/2026 01:07

I guess time could change things but I don’t think I would ever trust anyone or let anyone get close ever again. 27 years is so long to be with someone, he was also my best friend and I told him everything .ive lost my husband and best friend all at once. my only itger best friend passed away 2 years ago, the one who would have hopped in a car and be with me now

Im so sorry. That's really hard.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/02/2026 01:29

beingtakenforafool · 25/02/2026 01:15

he won’t entertain counselling under any circumstances. he is acting very cold yet saying its hard for him to, whilst snoring downstairs on the sofa.I have asked him to try for a bit longer as feel unfair I have not known how he has felt and had no time to work on anything. how can you fight for a marriage on your own, when the other person knows nothing about it. i don’t see how another month or so in the grand scheme of things matters , infact means he has a roof over his head as he has nowhere to go just sleep in his car and not enough money to rent anywhere yet, no rEal friends

"how can you fight for a marriage on your own" Well you cant. Because he wont fight for it, so you would be fighting on your own to keep someone who doesnt want to be there. He didnt stay those 6 months to fight for your marriage, he did it because it suited him. Either because his OW wasnt ready to leave her marriage or because she hadnt committed to a relationship with him....who knows, but it wasnt to fight for your marriage. I am so sorry but thats the truth.

beingtakenforafool · 25/02/2026 01:32

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/02/2026 01:24

Its not being a bitch or being controlling to do any of that stuff.

You message him once (email and text, do both) informing him that as he has ended your marriage you are no longer taking responsibility for his life admin. So that in 7 days you will be cancelling phone etc and he has to sort it all out for himself. Also inform him that you expect him to continue to pay his half of the finance agreements you took out together, and if he refuses you will be requesting this to be taken from his pension in lieu during the divorce.

I know you cant afford a divorce right now but it may well scare him into paying his share atleast for the first few months, which should help keep the wolves from the door.

Be prepared for him to decide that he doesnt want to leave after all. When he looks at the figures, how much rent etc will cost (it sounds like you are not high earners) he may well realise that he had it better sharing costs with you. What you do when if that happens is up to you but personally I would be making sure that you have the tenancy in your name only asap and then tell him to sling his hook.

This isnt cruel or petty or controlling, this is handing him the first prize in the game he started, its called Consequences.

he will be on a better salary soon as got promotion and decent pay rise. we both earn okay now , just we have some historic debts that are coming to an end in next few months, but with new job he will be earning twice what I do. it almost feels like i have been around when we have scrimped and saved and now he will be
laughing , whilst I am scrimping and saving still. he def won’t want stay, he adamant he will sleep in his car if thats what he has to do to get away from me, as hes angry at me for kicking off tonight and having to listen to me talking for a couple of hours. its just so hard, we also work within same industry and out paths cross occasionally at work and we know all the same work people.

OP posts:
beingtakenforafool · 25/02/2026 01:38

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/02/2026 01:29

"how can you fight for a marriage on your own" Well you cant. Because he wont fight for it, so you would be fighting on your own to keep someone who doesnt want to be there. He didnt stay those 6 months to fight for your marriage, he did it because it suited him. Either because his OW wasnt ready to leave her marriage or because she hadnt committed to a relationship with him....who knows, but it wasnt to fight for your marriage. I am so sorry but thats the truth.

6 months ago she wasn’t on the scene only been a couple months and he says since july so even longer than 6 months , well thats when he reckons he spotted the cracks and has been thinking about it since and trying !!!! he says he won’t be with someone else and never wants another relationship ( crap I know) he can’t get it when I am saying he has had more time to process than me . its all just lies hes been telling me last couple months , I have literally said to him
if you don’t love me then you can go on more than one occasion and he has assured me he does , lots of lies but supposedly so he didn’t hurt me. told me today just before i went to drs to have something investigated that could be serious .

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 25/02/2026 01:39

beingtakenforafool · 25/02/2026 01:32

he will be on a better salary soon as got promotion and decent pay rise. we both earn okay now , just we have some historic debts that are coming to an end in next few months, but with new job he will be earning twice what I do. it almost feels like i have been around when we have scrimped and saved and now he will be
laughing , whilst I am scrimping and saving still. he def won’t want stay, he adamant he will sleep in his car if thats what he has to do to get away from me, as hes angry at me for kicking off tonight and having to listen to me talking for a couple of hours. its just so hard, we also work within same industry and out paths cross occasionally at work and we know all the same work people.

His reaction tonight is not something to take very seriously. In his head you would so "Oh ok, we had a good run didnt we?" and wave him off.

But you didnt. This was round one in Consequences. He didnt like that his actions led to you being sad, and angry and demanding answers, that was not how it was supposed to play out.

When inevitably the rest of his little fantasy doesnt play out either, thats when the crawling starts, the apologies, the "I didnt mean it, we can try again" etc. FYI, second round usually starts with him claiming to live the good life but shortly making sure you see him looking like he slept in a skip and claiming his MH is bad. Ask me how I know.

You will get there sweetie I promise, there are thousands of us on MN alone that came out of this shit happier than we ever thought possible, and you will too.

PyongyangKipperbang · 25/02/2026 01:41

beingtakenforafool · 25/02/2026 01:38

6 months ago she wasn’t on the scene only been a couple months and he says since july so even longer than 6 months , well thats when he reckons he spotted the cracks and has been thinking about it since and trying !!!! he says he won’t be with someone else and never wants another relationship ( crap I know) he can’t get it when I am saying he has had more time to process than me . its all just lies hes been telling me last couple months , I have literally said to him
if you don’t love me then you can go on more than one occasion and he has assured me he does , lots of lies but supposedly so he didn’t hurt me. told me today just before i went to drs to have something investigated that could be serious .

What a shit house. If you have read the script then you know that they rewrite history. Claiming (in my case) that they have been "unhappy for years but I didnt want to hurt you". Some of the acting my ex must have done during that "misery" should have won him an oscar cos he seemed happy enough to me!

beingtakenforafool · 25/02/2026 01:44

i am going to try to sleep, thank you so
much everyone just having people
listen etc means a lot and got me through these first few hours

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 25/02/2026 01:53

You are nicer than I would have been, he would be at the bus stop with a matching set of bin bags if he was mine. Try & get some sleep & tomorrow ring around solicitors, don't immediately go for the cheapest one, paying a little more can save you money in the long run. Your kids are grown up so you won't have to go through the family courts ordeal, just the separation of belongings & finance. Can you take a couple of days sick leave to give yourself time to come to terms with the news? When he goes to work tomorrow gather all your evidence ready for the solicitor, marriage certificate, bank & pension statements, payslips etc, make sure he doesn't take the car if it is in your name, you can always hide the spare keys to make sure. If you have a joint bank account check he hasn't cleared the account & get yourself an account in your sole name, get your salary paid into it, you can also transfer half the balance in the joint account.

Do some detective work, look for receipts or unexpected payments from the joint account, has he got a new credit card in his own name? Go through coat pockets & bedside drawers as well. If you have credit cards where you are the first named on the account but he has a second card, get his card cancelled.

Under the new divorce laws it should generally take you 6 months from the application to the final order & decree absolute, if you are on a low income you can get help with the divorce application fee which is £612 & then there is a further fee for the financial consent order. Check if you are able to claim Universal Credit once you are on your own which may mean you get help with your rent, council tax, free prescriptions, dental care etc.

Look at the 6 months the divorce will take as time to adjust to your new life, by the end of the summer hopefully it will all be over & you can move forwards, you have nothing to blame yourself for, this is all on him.

WhoamItoday11 · 25/02/2026 02:08

beingtakenforafool · 24/02/2026 23:14

financially we have nothing to fight over and I can’t afford a divorce, will have to wait for him to do and he don’t do anything like that for himself, car mot: insurance all that stuff I do. he won’t care if divorced or not, where as I do if he has gone then i want divorce asap. he said i get half his pension but i don’t think it works like that now.We rent so no house, he is one of them people everyone likes so he will come out looking the best and I will painted as an evil controlling nagging wife.

You can fight over his pension! Don't let him screw you out of that too. It's as much yours as it is his.

disturbia · 25/02/2026 02:24

Sorry to hear this but asking him to stay and reconsider when he has said he doesn't love you will cause him to disrespect you and behave badly. Tell him in a calm matter of fact way you no longer wish him to stay in the home if your relationship has fnished and he has to leave asap. Don't worry about where he sleeps. He needs to tell your DCs.
Sometimes him struggling once he has left will make him realise what he has lost and reconsider. Love has to be tough sometimes. Good luck

beingtakenforafool · 25/02/2026 02:53

we have not long been paid , we have separate accounts but i manage the money including the one his wages go in and I then transfer to pay bills and shopping and then our individual spending money. there is not much money left this month , i have set aside normal shopping/ petrol and then little bit of savings which he can have but ot might buy him a week in cheap hotel at best. This is the way we have always done it and its never been a problem but now suddenly he says it is, I have asked him at times to share the burden or take it over but he has never wanted to. but now he tells a different story

OP posts: