husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

That is a tough read OP, but you and your fab children sound like a great team.
Of course you will continue to feel sad but you will get through this.
You will look back on this thread with sadness but great pride at how you have gotten through it all with grace and self respect intact.
Wishing you continued strength.

Hi this from a man ( sorry !)
Men don't leave suddenly after many years unless he has someone to run to.
Be prepared for him to come grovelling back when he realises the grass is not always greener !!!!!

I agree, there is someone else. I've had rough patches last longer than 6 months with my DH. We got through it, we also spoke about it throughout. For him to blindside you like this and have no interest in trying to make it work says there is someone else, the 6 months is probably the length of time he's been having an affair.
You will get through this OP. It will be hard at first but this is a new chapter and happiness will come again.

My best friend’s husband did this. Two kids, told her he didn’t want any more. Then he left her for OW & had two more… She met a gorgeous new fella, and had a beautiful little DD. Their teen boys aren’t doing well though, my friend has a lot to cope with… But, he’s off playing happy families elsewhere!

This , I agree with and it's not even typical mid life crisis!.He i having a later midlife crisis. If you've been together 27 years he must be over 50? I mean if he lives to be 100 ok midlife.He's being really silly I bet you could have worked things out, it just seems a very juvenile way to behave and messaging the woman.
Be prepared for him trying to come back at some point.
Hopefully by then you'll be happily onto the next bit of your life even if it's a bit tough with finances.

You are NOT the fool. Unfortunately you cannot stop him and must feel devastated and powerless. My advice is to try not to fight the inevitable but to take control of what you can. Eg. Tell him to go immediately.
Go for the house while he's maybe feeling guilty.
Start proceedings ASAP.
You can get individual counselling.
You have to look after Your interests.
Try to look beyond. There will be a time when you will feel more sanguine about it all.
Don't wallow in the 'I'll always be alone' script. Write your own. When I became single at 55 I took time out and then went on a respectable app (parship) free of predators and whack jobs. I actually made and kept some good friends before meeting my current wife 20 years ago. We are ordinary people who love and look after each other. Don't dwell on your negatives.
Trust me I was a social worker.

These feelings will pass, you'll be fine - I was! Take your time, speak to friends, honestly, and eventually you'll be ready to date again... and you'll find somebody who values you for who you are x

Definitely someone else

Men don't leave unless they've got someone else lined up to cook and clean for them and provide sex.

Harsh but true!

HI @beingtakenforafool .. so sorry to hear what you are going through. Must have been a horrible shock. but lots of good advice on here about seeing solicitor etc.

Just to add, I can't see someone dropping the I'm walking out bomb, and I've been thinking about this for six months too, without having any idea of where they are going next and sleeping on the sofa.

I think this is a ploy to gain sympathy, to hang around to see what your reaction is after the first conversation, maybe to get your DC feeling sorry for him, the "I'll sleep in my car if I have to comments" really make me think that, and maybe even to get hold of his documents if you pop out or go to work as you say you've done all the financials. And then he can make the grand gesture of leaving the house etc.

Or he could be staying on the sofa so that he can make YOU take the decision that he has to go.. and can say.. "It's so unfair, she kicked me out. Poor poor innocent me "etc... I had to sleep in my car (because she is wicked of course)

But I don't think he does have no where to go, or has no plans for what he's going to do next, he's already said he's been thinking it for six months ( whilst lying to you!)

Having said that, I think its in your best interests to get him out as soon as possible and let him wonder about what you will do next... don't give any indication. I'm betting that there's a lot more to this story than he's told you that will come out in the wash.

But, you have your lovely DC and you sound like a kind and loving sensible person who will get through this. He sounds like a fool, not you.

@beingtakenforafool

Everything you're feeling is normal. Before, your head was full with the dream of the life you would share and your days were full of 'tasks' to keep him sweet so that dream would happen. Now, the dream is gone and the hours you devoted to keeping him 'happy' are empty.

But this will change!! You will find a new dream for yourself and your DC, And your hours will slowly fill with things that will make that dream come true.

So, feel your feelings. But don't ignore those new feelings of peace and happiness. Because those are now the 'realer' feelings and you can build your new life on them.

thats what everyone saying and I very much think it may be true, except he won’t try and come back as he is too stubborn to ever admit he has done anything wrong, it all only cane out about him being unhappy/ nit sure for previous 6 months when I pulled up some inappropriate behaviour , I just want it to come out if thats the actual truth , then I can hate him and be easier to move on

yep bit late for a midlife crisis you would think, over 50 both of us. he is like someone I don’t even recognise anymore ,

WTAF?!!
Are you for real?
Talk about kicking someone when they are down.🤬

He isn't sleeping in a car.

This! Honestly, pensions are SO important! Get some legal advice.

@beingtakenforafool

then I can hate him and be easier to move on

Remember that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Hate is a negative emotion and uses up a lot of our emotional energy to no avail. He won't 'feel' your hate, he won't care if you do hate him. So don't waste that energy. Use it to gain indifference. You may have to work through some hate to get there, but don't hate him and be content with leaving it at that.

Indifference is freedom. With indifference you will no longer care what he thinks, says, or does. With indifference you will feel 'lighter' and more able to find your happiness.

I agree with @AcrossthePond55 , hate eats you up and saps your energy more than it wounds him.
However, I also think hate is useful for a short while, it helps you find your anger and process your grief.
Then one day you will get exhausted and sick of feeling that way. You will decide he’s not worth all that energy and is living rent-free in your head, occupying all that space and stealing time from you, so you let go of the hate and anger and will be able to mentally finally let him go with it.
Getting all that negative emotion and energy out for a short while, even in such negative feelings as anger and hate, can sometimes help you get stronger and stop ongoing bitterness and resentment.
Bitterness and resentment have a very, very long shelf life and can stop you ever finding peace and being able to move forward. They are often born of unresolved, squashed down hate and anger.
Let that out and hate him for a while if it helps, but AcrossThePond is absolutely right, hang onto hate forever and the only person still hurting will be you.
Take good care of yourself, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I know strange isn’t it why some
people even comment, even the looking after us part, which is not the case as when he had own business it was my money that kept us afloat and me that did most of childcare and supported his work etc, I think people like this are just sad with nothing else to do. yes anyone has a right to leave someone, but after 26 years a bit of respect in how you do it, is not hard

no he isn’t he has a place he us staying at

OP, were you able to see a solicitor?

I think that it would be advisable.

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Nope lovely life thanks i just think its sad when women seem to think a man has to stay if hes not happy and visa versa, life is too short

A very good point, and can apply to a much wider range of situations. and also by@Thewookiemustgo

I think you have to go through the hate stage to reach peace & indifference in these situations though.

Maybe some lucky folks do bypass it but I just want to point out that feeling anger & hate is a normal part of the process.
Staying stuck there is bad obviously because it won't bring peace, that comes with indifference.

I think you have to go through the hate stage to reach peace & indifference in these situations though

Yes, this has been my experience.
My own husband walked out and left me six months ago.

In that time I've felt hatred and anger which I scarcely knew I possessed.

I did reclaim the house though. By that, I mean that I got rid of absolutely everything of his, particularly in the bedroom. I rearranged things throughout the house and made it look different.

If he came back now there would be nowhere to put his stuff. The wardrobes and drawers are full of my things.

I have a large storage cupboard which he often made untidy, and it's perfect now. I can't bear mess anyway and I enjoy opening the door and always finding it exactly how I left it.
.
But yes. Indifference has taken over.
The anger has dissipated.

I agree that you do, but I commented on those posts because it struck me as a good way to move on when one is ready to. I found it a helpful reminder of a different way to look at things, if I look back on difficult situations, which we all do from time to time. But I agree its early days for the OP.