husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

he says he won’t be with someone else and never wants another relationship

Yeah, mine said that, he was married five months later

Yeah, my exH was desperate to live alone, to have his "freedom".
That lasted a few months before he found and moved in a younger model...
And he is now re-living the life we lived before children came along, literally doing all the same things.

You will most likely be entitled to share in his pension @beingtakenforafool & if you worked pt when kids were little it sounds like that will be important.

Read your updates, OP. You’re doing so well 💐

I went through relationship breakdown over 50. Different circumstances. It is painful. Like a bereavement, mourning the family life you thought you’d have. But also quite liberating. After years doing things together, it was hard at first being the only one not in a couple at get-togethers. But then I started to enjoy it. Felt like shedding a skin.

It’s a good time of year to start afresh. Decorate and rearrange your bedroom, just for you. Get fitter. Swimming helped me get stronger, both mentally and physically. I’d go in the steam room and sauna afterwards (council pool). Treat yourself to a new hairstyle and a couple of new outfits. Get out in the summer exploring new places or having the odd alfresco lunch with the kids. I also found planning things with friends (art exhibitions, gigs, country walks) a couple of months ahead gave me things to look forward to.

Maybe look into a better paid job, so you can boost your earnings and have a fresh start with work. Now the DC are adults you could really get stuck in at work and may end up earning more than your ex!

However hard it is now you will get through this and you will have a better more peaceful life . Who wants to live feeling insecure and trying to get someone to stay with you . Now is your time , invest time in yourself , life has a funny way of working out 💐

You are doing well. You can and will thrive more than he will:

Yes rearrange , paint, and redecorate, get new bedding or houseplants to symbolise your good life with the DC.

Plan treats with friends and or the DC - cinema, restaurants, short breaks, overnight visits to friends who live elsewhere?

Rekindle old friendships, try a new hobby, sport or something similar. Knitting, art, gardening, Pilates, dance? Maybe a pet you always wanted?

Give yourself short-term and long-term goals such as travel, fitness or a course. Are there any local societies you can try?

You have the children behind you and can live your best life.

I’m 5 years on and met amazing new people in a book club and horticultural society, have caught up with friends all over the place. Have had holidays and birthday celebrations etc with the DC and friends. My ex seems fairly drab and directionless, living alone having split up with the OW once the initial phase wore off.

Oh, funny you should say that.

Mine went with the OW to the same resort we'd been to. My friend saw his holiday photos on facebook. He'd uploaded a mix of their photos and ones from when I went with him. She recognised them as she'd seen mine a few months earlier. Not the ones with me in obviously though. I wonder if OW noticed?

When we booked that holiday he was pushing to go to the same place he'd been with the girlfriend before me. I said no to that and insisted on somewhere neither of us had been before.

So sorry you're going through this .. it will seem like a black hole at first but trust me look for your own light and you may find you find a new confident you who enjoys a life on your terms .
50 plus I'm 51 I love my life single come on girly you got this in time you will see xx

don’t do anything, including having him sign the tenancy over, until you have seen a solicitor. Also, i doubt he is sleeping in his car.

I went through pretty much the same thing. 25 years of marriage ended. It’s hard to understand how someone you’ve been with for so long, who you would never in a million years think would act so cold and detached from you, could act this way. In my situation it was another woman, who he denied and denied existed after I found her number in his phone, but who after being separated from me for three months he presented as a ‘new’ girlfriend. Four years after being separated, he was also single again due to the sex no longer being new and exciting, and his new relationship had developed into a toxic one. Whilst I was happy and settled into my new single life with DCs (took a long time though to recover from the trauma of it), he spiralled and messaged me regularly how he missed us all, how he regretted what happened. A year later we tentatively began dating, and got back together. I made it clear any poor behaviour, and it was done. A few years down the line and we’re really strong and happy. I guess because he appreciates what we had and that he nearly lost it. I’ve forgiven but not forgotten. I’m giving you this context to show you that he won’t necessarily ride off into the sunset living his best life. He’s probably focused on an idea in his head that life can be better without you. All you need to do now is make a life for you and your DCs where you’re living your best life doing what you want to do, and what makes you happy. I remember in my single period seeing friends and family a lot (they’re your saviour in these situations), and just having the freedom to do what I wanted to do, without having to refer to someone else. When he asked for us to try again, I had to think long and hard because I’d made a life for myself which I enjoyed. But in the end I guess I still loved him, and who he once was. I hope you find strength OP to look at this as a new chapter - admittedly not one that you want at this stage, but a chapter you can write for yourself. Things do and will get better, but it’s like a bereavement and takes time. I think it was nearly a year down the line before I actually stopped crying every day. You’ll veer from absolute anguish to anger, and back again, but you will get through this. Stay strongX

Oh, lovely. It’s still very early days, and it’s not surprising you have tearful moments. Hang on in there. It does get easier — but even then you’ll have good days and bad days. Gradually though you’ll realise you have more good days than bad, or that you’ve not thought about him at all for 24 hours. You will get there. Xx

What!?

It's unbelievably selfish FFS.
I can't believe you've typed that.
Are you the OP's husband?

Those tears of yours are you coming to terms with life as it is and grieving the life you thought it would be. They are not a sign of weakness they are healing as you let go and find yourself.
The worst is behind you now, you have your home and adult DC around you and your taking steps to change your decor, seeing friends more, one day you will look back and those steps will have formed a long path to you being happy in yourself.

It's too early to get worrying about something like that honestly. I was you 2 years ago and I'm still processing it all, after 25 years marriage.
You need to focus on your health, lean on all your friends and family and get the finances sorted. I can't say I will ever come to terms with this but I'm a lot better than I was 2 years ago and you will be to.

Sending you so much love. You have nothing to be ashamed of. I promise you, as this unfolds and the depth of his 'conversations' with another woman become apparent, it will be plain for the world to see that the shame is ALL his.

Also. You will be happy again. I would guess you'll be happier than you have been for quite some time. I love my current husband, but the years after my first husband left me (yes, he too had an affair, that he dismissed as nothing at the time) were the best of my life.

You will find joy and freedom and when you are ready, love. I'm really excited for you.

But you are not there yet. You are devastated. So be kind to yourself, tell as many people as you can bear to today, and my best advice would be to rip the plaster off. Don't try and convince him to stay. I did - it was months of humiliation and just prolonged the agony. Convince him to leave. Get him gone. Then you can start the healing process, and rebuild. You're going to need healthy food, good friends, loud music and tissues. After 6 months, you'll be in a whole new groove. Good luck, soldier. I look forward to hearing about your fabulous life soon. In the meantime, take care xxx

Also - I can very much speak to having a man leave me because he felt trapped by domestic drudgery and the sameiness of our marriage, to end up even more trapped, with a miserable wife, 2 more kids and a life he hated. I get on very well with my ex-husband now, but I can't say that I didn't have a wry little smile to myself observing him up to his eyeballs in nappies again and spending his weekends at farm parks, in a rocky second marriage with interfering in-laws. Ho hum.

Sorry you're going through this, OP.

You might find Daphne Rose Kingma's Coming Apart: How to Heal Your Broken Heart useful. I often recommend it.

Have a read of the sample on Amazon.

You can read it as an e-book free if you have Kindle Unlimited (and if you don't, you can sign up for a 2-month free trial)

www.amazon.co.uk/Coming-Apart-Heal-Broken-Heart-ebook/dp/B08NCNFF8T

You poor thing. My exH did the exact same thing to me. There was no other women. Except there was. He was horrendous to me for the 4 weeks we lived together while separated and in the end i left the house against legal advise with my DD and moved in with my mum and dad (I felt my mental health was worth more) , and he immediately announced a new girlfriend who he had 'just' met despite working at the same place as him. While it did elongate things a bit, and the divorce took ,longer, I almost immediately started to feel better. It didn't take long for me to reflect and realise how unhappy I was and how lonely I was in my marriage. I was scared of being on my own so i put up with a lot, when it was forced on me I coped really well. The only slight issue was he seemed very happy with new woman, posted lots on social media, made DD feel awful etc. I was waiting for 'karma' to kick in but it didnt. After about 18 months I realised i was only hurting myself and making myself bitter and came off social media and just concentrated on building my life back up. DD and I have our own house now, I have a lovely committed partner and just really living. I am also 50 this year and happier by far than when i was 40. Oh and, while I didnt need it, karma did kick in and him and other women have split up as, you guessed, he had an affair. He is now renting a one bed flat. This awful time WILL get better, and probably more quickly than you can imagine. Much love to you xx

They're pathetic aren't they?

Re the pension. As part of your divorce make sure to go for a Pension Sharing Order. This will almost certainly be awarded in your favour in this circumstance.

Chances are hes leaving for this other person... and you will be fine I was on my own until I met my partner 9 months age age 60... onwards and upwards mate.

Have you been to see a solicitor, OP?

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

OP, other peoples lives are not perfect!

They just like to project them as so either to bolster their self esteem or to boast or to wind up acquaintances. It is egotistical and performative.

Never believe what you see on F/B. It is a facade, there are always darker sides.

Also, given the purchases were for him, get any loans/debts into his name whilst he is amenable.

You are strong, have been managing the household and have got this! Onwards and upwards. Be an example to your sons.
Get the divorce forms and go through them to collate the information you need. They are extensive and will need time.(recent experience with this)

Insists he starts and pays for the divorce asap.

You say there’s no point seeking legal advice but the pension issue is a really good reason to. Why should he get his full pension when you were doing part-time to benefit him with less childcare costs? Please at least explore it

This - make sure you highlight all reasons for you doing part time re childcare etc