husband told me he is leaving me

[beingtakenforafool]

Looking for a hand hold. Husband just told me today he’s leaving me and doesn’t love me anymore, well still cares but not in love with me. Im devastated and don’t know where to go from here. i can’t stop crying and he won’t consider counselling, time or anything like that as apparently been feeling like it for 6 months, but didn’t think to tell me

Don’t blame you one bit for staying away from those sites, but they’re kind of the opposite of Mumsnet, in that on Facebook outside of wishing people happy Christmas/ birthday etc, you only ever get to see stuff that people think put them and their lives in a positive light. What’s really going on stays out of the limelight. On Mumsnet it’s anonymous so that the bad stuff can get aired and discussed and hopefully garner support and advice. They’d never put it on Facebook in a million years and for very good reasons. If you saw the same people’s Facebook feed, who are going through awful problems on here, you’d think nothing was ever wrong.
Trust me, if life really was like a Facebook profile feed, then most people would have no problems at all.
I think having a break from it is a good idea, just try not to ever compare or buy into the ‘perfect life’ crap. Don’t allow what is essentially an overall false impression to make you feel ‘less than’.
I guarantee you that nobody has a perfect life, they have bad times as well as good, they just never advertise the bad stuff.

@beingtakenforafool

I think you'll find yourself feeling better (slowly) after he's gone. Having him there for you is like picking at a wound. It won't heal whilst you keep messing with it. Once he's not 'in your face', you'll begin to be able to 'breathe' a bit. It's not going to be instantaneous but it will happen.

And yes, come off SM. That's just another wound you're picking at. No one's life is that perfect and in your emotional state you really aren't able to tell the fact from the fiction.

Your first step needs to be seeking legal advice. Either now or right after he leaves.

One word of caution. Don't believe 100% wholeheartedly that he's actually leaving. Keep a little bit of suspicion burning just to be safe. Believe it only when he's actually out the door and has (hopefully) surrendered his key.

IME the harder a time someone is having IRL, the more intensively they post their seemingly perfect lives on FB/Instagram etc. It's as if they are trying to compensate for whatever is wrong IRL by making it right on the thing they can more easily control, social media. You won't lose out by avoiding it for a while.

Also, change the locks, he may have a copy of the keys he hands back.

I've been in a similar position to you OP, it's so painful now but you'll start to feel better sooner than you think. Hugs to you, you're doing great 💐

Yy to changing the locks once he's gone and telling the kids not to lend him their keys. You don't want him popping back at will to collect things he's suddenly decided are his after all, once he realises that starting again from scratch is expensive. He has more money than you, so you need to protect what is yours.

I think it's impossible to feel better while he's in the house. And he's giving off the air of someone who is choosing a new life, whereas you feel that the choices have been made for you and that's a different mindset. Once he's gone, you might find that your body and brain relax, that you start to enjoy the freedom which comes with not living with his negative energy, that you change your home to make it feel more 'yours'. But none of this is going to happen immediately, recovery from grief is gradual - I think you'll just find that one day you realise that you are not as unhappy as you were. You'll find joy in things which aren't linked to him.

thank you all, this site has been a great help. I am making some plans for small changes around the house and will be asking for key back, we have people around who have one for emergencies so need for him to have one. its how the person you have loved and known for so long, can suddenly change so much which also hurts. I put so much into this marriage and it all seems for nothing now as he can walk away without a second glance. He says he is hurting too but as he neved tried to fix anything I don’t think thats true, yes miss the DC and maybe the house as going elsewhere is new, probably will miss the things I do for him as will now have to do it himself, but thats it. might have friends round the night he leaves just so I am not alone and can have a distraction at least.

You are a brave woman...ending a marriage after all this time is and will continue to hurt but you will recover.He may have already copied the front door key thinking you will ask for his one back so consider a lock change once has has finally left. Wish you well and let us know when he leaves.

Once his name is off the lease ge won't need a key so change the locks ten and instruct emergency contact not to give him one.

I am sorry you are going through this. You could probably do with seeing your GP and get signed off with stress, take him to the cleaners. The more money he has to give to you will make him an unlikely catch for another woman. All the best OP.

Sorry, late to the updates. Oh you are doing so well! And I'm so happy you are finding support in the comments here - they really are great, people who don't know you are rooting for you, OP!

I hope you've read through the 360° thing - google it if you haven't - from a quick look there are YouTube vids about it. It's going to be really hard when he's gone to not want to speak to him, about the kids, the house, the bins, whatever. He's been there so long and it's going to feel like second nature to send him a message. Don't. He can't miss you if you are in constant contact - even if you don't want him back, don't display yourself as being "weak". Eventually you'll become bitter and nasty - try and shut that down now. Start a diary and rant on there (mine are a therapeutic read when I go back to the "how did this happen"). You can rage and mourn - I found, once I'd written it down, I didn't have to rethink, to rehash, to go over and over looking at stuff from different angles. And I slept so much better for it. It's over a decade now since my "DH" left but the humiliation and despair I felt then changed me. I still keep my diary and every now and then dip back to see how great I'm doing - I really am - compared to those first few months / years.

Good luck - xxx

OP you are doing so well. Please remember to change your will, your life insurance and any pensions you have if he is named as a beneficiary on those. Also change Next of Kin details on your passport, at the doctors and the dentist. I know it feels like a never ending list but they have to be done x

good point have him
listed on my pension and work life insurance thing. when I am back at work I will get these all changed. no will as we don’t have any assets anyway, so nothing to fight over, both have own car so we just keeping these and I am keeping most things on the house . I have been using this time to sort out and bagged up some house bits I don’t want for him to have if he wants. working on my wardrobe next , going to vinted some
bits and then treat myself to some new things. My DC have been amazing and a real support and I think will really step up. He is apparently seeming some help for his issues as has owned that he is responsible
for this and has handled it all really badly, which is at least something I guess. back then work for in next few days, hoping that helps keeps me busy with less time to think. also been making effort to have catch up with friends and plan to have them all around when he has gone for a take away and drinks just to get my life back, not that he ever stopped me in anyway but I always put him and DC first, so just didn’t go out as much as I should do. learnt I really do have some great friends. I hope he does miss us and regret it all and then he may feel some of the pain I have. I am perfectly civil with him now and don’t want to hate him as I don’t think long term that will do me any good. If OW does come out the woodwork after though then probably will be plenty of hate and I won’t be civil then , however then part of me may be as I would think he is not the man I married , I miss that person, maybe not the person he has become.

well he has left and the house is weirdly quiet. we did have some good chats the last few days about future finances, whats happened etc etc which went better than expected in some ways , but were also heartbreaking in other ways. also have booked to see someone just to talk through my feelings as its very like i'm grieving him/ us etc so decided will be money worth spending and he is giving me some money towards this which will help. End of a chapter I guess and time for a new one

It’s a really hard transition but I hope you’ll be able to heal more easily now you’re not both living in the same house. Good decision to get some talking therapy. Try to look forward and seek out hope and opportunities, as well as the necessary review of the past and your present grief. Ah I wish there was more I could say that would be useful 💐

@beingtakenforafool

Very soon the house will go from 'weirdly quiet' to 'peacefully quiet'. When I left, the first week or so in my flat the quiet make me feel oddly 'jumpy' at times as well as feeling calm. Then the calm took over. Just keep reminding yourself that the source of your stress and sadness is gone from the house. Now you will be able to build your own new life; setting your own rules, putting things where you want them, decorating the house to your taste. Take your time implementing your changes and enjoy every minute.

It's good that you're seeing someone to talk it out. I think you will find it really, really helpful.

PS Make a plan to see a solicitor soon. Knowing what to expect is also a source of calm. Knowledge is power.

Hope you are okay

I Know it's not much comfort to you right now because you never wanted this, but if he was determined to end things, it's better that he's gone and you aren't living in that weird limbo of him still bro g in the house.
Look after yourself, lovely

Followed your thread since the start (and your last one) and I am so sorry for what you have been put through. Because you really have.
You are a lovely, empathetic person and it’s clear your DC adore you. You must have created a welcoming home as their partners stay. That says a lot about you.
You also have really, really good friends and they are so important at a time like this.
When some time has passed you will realise that nothing was worse than you being in bed awake and upset and him snoring away on the sofa.
You matter. And now you can concentrate more of your time and resources on yourself.
You gave him every opportunity to work things through, you did everything you could do you can move forward knowing that.
I wish you every bit of happiness you deserve it. It will come in time and when it does you will really start to enjoy life again.

Yes, I left my ex after 28 years. No abuse or anyone else involved. The marriage had just run its course. 🤷‍♀️

yes fair enough but all the other stuff thats gone on, your not happy, then communicate and don’t take on additional debt , book things for future and then not see them through etc. also walking away from every responsibility but expecting me to take them all on is the bits that get me.

well its been nearly a week and it still feels strange , have bumped into him and that made me cry in the car on way home. started doing some bits on house , changing bedroom around , change of some furniture and deciding on a colour to pick. still questioning how we got here , I genuinely thought we would grow old together. trying to keep busy, work does in day, then early evenings I can keep myself busy, its the. night times which are hard. still cried everyday I think even if sometimes only briefly

I understand that but he's an arse not worth the hassle of rumination.

You are doing well OP the feelings are similar to a bereavement. Where exactly is he living now?

I went through similar, only mine agreed to stay and work on things. 9 years (and. Vow renewal) later we finally separated with him saying he’s not meant to be in a relationship.
Divorce came through his month and he’s introducing adult kids to his “new” girlfriend.
It’s the colleague from years ago! Maintains nothing was happening then or since and they’ve just got together.
it bloody hurts and I identify with all you say about being 50 plus and having to start again. I don’t want to be alone but the thought of being intimate with someone else and trusting someone else is terrifying.
Please get some advice on pensions. You will be entitled to a share. Also if debts are joint he should take some responsibility. In hindsight I wish I hadn’t spent that time in couples therapy etc as the end result was same and I’m 9 yrs older and more damage.
Best of luck.

This is good advice, you need to see a solicitor to see what your rights are and what you are entitled to.

Ask about Legal Aid if your income is low.

I'm sorry this is happening to you .

Fuck him and the horse he rode off with.
love this!

I was/am the same. My ability to trust has been permanently broken. One can't risking through that pain again. However, there is something to be said for the solo life. I spent my whole life being someone's daughter, sister, girlfriend, wife, mother.... Now I live exactly as I want to live, for me. On the one hand, it's lonelier life, I guess. On the other hand - freedom! It's taken me a long time, but I've finally come to understand that freedom is all I ever really wanted.