Mothers of adult children...how would you feel?

[Mossandtwine]

...if your daughter lived a 3 hour flight away in a place she loved, was married to a kind and hardworking man, was settled in a job she loved and had lots of friends, and whose primary aged kids were absolutely thriving. Your daughter comes home every 3 months on average, sometimes for a month at a time. She always keeps in touch, remembers every birthday etc.

How would you feel about this and what would you tell her?

@Mossandtwine as the mother of adult daughters I would be delighted that you were happy and settled but still visiting regularly. Also pleased to have somewhere different to visit a manageable flight away!
As a mum I'd see it as job well done. So the problem is definitely with your mother, not you.

No, of course it doesn’t.

The more I think about it it, the more examples I can find in my extended family of parental jealousy of offspring. I have certainly experienced it myself. My mother experienced it and I can think of other examples.
In my family it is definitely about the younger generation having opportunities unavailable to the older one. The parent acts to ensure the younger generation can’t benefit.
Looking back on it, I can’t imagine the parent would have been capable of of acting generously eg allowing offspring to stay on at school. They were handicapped by their own bad experiences. That’s why I say it a difficult situation.
I’m thinking of quite extreme examples btw.

I moved 4hrs away in 2001 and my mother never forgave me, even though I took 3 kids up and down every school hols for years. When covid came it was a relief not to have to go. She got used to it. I am moving back that way (half hr drive away) in the summer, but for me not her. My oldest son currently lives 4hrs away and that’s fine, and my younger son will stay where we are now with his GF as he has a job in London, and DD (almost 18) will come with me but also stay with her dad overseas. I am personally happy if my kids spread their wings but I have a full life without them, my mum has barely left the house in 30yrs (no joke).

Stop feeling guilty.

I’d be super happy for her, I’d be grateful at how often she came back to visit, and I’d make the most effort I could to also travel to visit often, to take the pressure off. Maybe slightly sad at not having them closer but how happy she was would completely out weigh that.

I have lived continents away from my parents for my entire adult life, and they never made me feel guilty for a second. I did feel sad about living so far away from them, particularly when my mother died, but that all came from me rather than them. They both ended up living far away from their own parents due to work, so I think that must have informed their carefree attitudes towards me and my siblings. I wonder if your mum's own experience was very different, and also if all her friends have their adult children close to home (but even if she does, that's on her and the way she sees the world, not you).

I'd tell you you were winning life and to enjoy every moment.

Wow, even with small children she manages to spend that much time with you. I think I'd feel delighted.
I live a continent away from my mother and can never see her more than once every couple of y ars.

Both my boys are in USA for next couple of years working. I miss them so much so once every 3 months for a month sounds amazing
Let her live her best life. I am pleased my kids see a big world to be experienced

I’d be thrilled with that! My only child lives in Australia with her husband and two sons, so I only see them every couple of years!

As a 58 year old mother of 3 adult kids, I would be very happy for her.
In my experience though, the older you get, you most likely feel different. I have friends abroad with now elderly parents who feel that distance keenly.

Then TELL her "Mum when you say/do xxx it makes me feel yyy"

I would tell them I'm immensely proud of them, although I would absolutely miss them like crazy.

I would love and appreciate the fact that they visited so often.

As a parent I want nothing more than my children to be healthy, happy and living their best life.

I have sons, lucky if I hear from them for weeks/months but they're happy and that in turn makes me happy (saddened I don't see them of course)

Your mum is being both nice and nasty on her terms so your are getting the appearance of being mothered at times without any genuine care for you. But even appearances can feel better than judgement and hostility and this kind of inconsistency is what keeps you longing and hoping for more and makes it hard for you to assert yourself with her. You are worth so much more but I know it takes a lot of time and work/therapy to accept that she is not the mum you wanted and to be able to stop hanging on for the crumbs. I'm not saying you have to go non-contact or reject her. I really hope you can get to the point where you are less wounded by her and can set whatever boundaries you need to manage the relationship.

Eh? Don’t get this!

I would be thrilled that my child was happy and living a wonderful life.

You'll have to expand...

My mother lives an hour flight away but probably 3 hours door to door,she is in her 80’s and isn’t in great health.I try and see her around every 6/8 weeks but don’t think I can or would want to do much more than that.Im single and my children are adults.
What stands out more to me here is your marriage,I’m assuming you go alone or with children? Why would you travel without your husband every 3 months for up to a month at a time if there’s no real urgency to do so?
The longest time I was at my Mums was 5 weeks when my first child was a few months old and I visited a lot more when my kids were young but ours wasn’t a good relationship and it was more of an escape

I'm a DM of a DD who lives 2 flights, usually a 12-hour minimum travel time, away from me. We've seen her only 2x a year for the last 4 years. I miss her, but am thrilled for her. Am so proud of the life she's building. She lives a very cool life and has wonderful boyfriend and rising career. We know DD may end up staying there and raising her family, and we'll just adjust. DH and I have talked about moving there if she has children and needs us. We should move to see our DC, not the other way, IMO. But we are privileged to do so w/ the kinds of jobs we have.

My mums sad but would never show or say she is sad. Shes been supportive and loving and proud of life Iv built

Im super lucky I work a term time job so take kids to see them every school holidays.

I think it’s lovely, but wondering why you have asked. Do you not feel appreciated for this or is there jealousy from family members. I lived away for 15 years and came home with the children yearly and my family would visit with us m, and make it there vacation, as we lived in warm countries.

Sounds similar in personality to my mum. Who is text book narcissist. I wish I had a life like yours where I could live far away from her, and close myself off for long periods. I’ve had therapy but still feel hugely anxious when around my mum. Don’t let your mum be a cloud in your rainbow. Enjoy and live your best life, and sadly accept that whatever you do, there will always be criticism from her.

My parents moved to the S of France after retiring so the other way round! Personally, I always look at travel and life abroad as an advantage. They came home, I went there (for weekends or longer in the holidays as I was teaching). One of my daughters is at the other end of the country so I don't see her a lot. I'd see it as a positive and would be over for weekends!

My daughter lives 6 hours away and I see her 3 or 4 times a year, for only 3 or 4 days at a time. I would really love it if she came home to stay as long as yours. I miss her so much, but it's her life and, frankly, I am pleased that she comes home as much as she does. We would go to her, but it's a very long drive for my DH and I am no longer allowed to drive, plus we would have to stay in a hotel or serviced apartment and it would cost mega-bucks, which we just don't have at the moment. She earns well and it doesn't cost her anything for accommodation when she comes here, so it is easier for her to afford it.

We are still close, but I would love it if she lived nearer to us.