Mothers of adult children...how would you feel?

[Mossandtwine]

...if your daughter lived a 3 hour flight away in a place she loved, was married to a kind and hardworking man, was settled in a job she loved and had lots of friends, and whose primary aged kids were absolutely thriving. Your daughter comes home every 3 months on average, sometimes for a month at a time. She always keeps in touch, remembers every birthday etc.

How would you feel about this and what would you tell her?

op

Your mother is performative. These types always behave better in front of an audience that she gets adoration and supply from. Glad to read your dad would not after all throw you under the bus but it does make me wonder why he has chosen to stay with her.

My son lives 10,000 miles and a 23 hour flight away. we see each other once a year... In fact Im on the last day of our two week stay in Australia right now and dreading the moment we have to part again, because it's so hard for us both.
But he married a wonderful Aussie and moved out here 6 years ago and we cherish the time we have together... Next year they will come to us.
We ( me, dh, his brother, sisters and tiny nephew and niece, miss them both terribly, but we would never make him feel bad for it...he's my son, I adore him and he has chosen to be in Oz with his wife and make a life there.
It sounds like you could never please your mum. That's her problem not yours xx

I’d say you have a DM problem - it’s not you. You should not feel guilty for living your life. You are clearly a caring daughter or else you would not be bothered by your DMs comments and behaviours.
You can’t control how she feels.
Enjoy your life how you want to.

My mother is like this. She puts on an act. If there’s no one there she’s quite different. She used to make a big thing of playing the interactive granny when my father was watching. The minute he left the room the mask slipped. She likes to have info to tell others to have something to talk about but doesn’t really give a shit about any of us.

Dolly, she’s doing her best juggling stuff. She can’t be personally responsible for everyone’s needs and happiness. What about hers?

I would love that my DD was happy, wherever she lived. She lives 5 mins away & I often think if I lived by the coast I’d see her more 😆
I wanted to move to Australia & my parents horrendously guilt tripped me into not going, so I stayed & I wish I hadn’t but it’s too late for me now. It’s your life, enjoy it x

I would think that my dreams for my family had come true.

have you considered the fact that it might have been your mum / childhood upbringing that drove you away from your home country?

And here’s the main thing: Have only skimmed through the posts but your mum sounds quite toxic.

Also, coming home for a month at a time presumably bringing the kids is amazing for a granny. But I think they don’t see it that way because it’s not the same as living nearby. Don’t blame you though.

how do you reprogram and what do you reprogram I think I need that too OP!

Maybe she misses you and sub-consciously wishes you two could have a relaxed supportive relationship. eg where you drop by for a meal, go for a walk, watch DGCs activities and hobbies, help you out.

The reason I guess this is because I live in another country from my DM. She is the most supportive, wonderful person. We both wish our circumstances could have been different; that we could have just hung out and she could have been more or a special person in my DCs life. (It wasn't possible for me to move back after I divorced; and it wasn't possible for her to move to where I live)

I think alot about the possibiliy that my DCs might end up in another country when they grow up. Maybe by choice, maybe by circumstance. I wish hard that this won't happen. I would miss them terribly, and hope that we will be able to have the circumstances that my mum and I missed out on. (I also missed having such a relationshp with my sister, brother, father, and my DCs missed their cousins, aunts/ uncles etc).

I hope that if my DCs end up in another country i will be as gracious about it as my DM. But I doubt I will succeed! I think I will be so torn that I will try to encourage them not to leave. I would be willing to be the one to move to have a relaxed relationship - but visas are tricky, and if they end up in different parts of the globe what then, and what if DP doesn't want to leave his family who are based here?!

I think living close to family can be very special. Sometimes you don't realise until you're older and it's too late.

I live an 8 hour flight from my mum. I haven't been to visit her in over a decade (for various reasons, mostly financial). She visits us once a year. I know she would like to see more of us, but primarily she wants us to be happy. It's your life, your children, your family. Enjoy that and anyone who wants to spoil it for you can't have your best interests at heart.

My kids are so little but if I think about them ever moving away I can see that is something that would hurt me because I would miss them so much. But I also see that it is their lives and I would just have to shut the fuck up because they are free to do what they want. I would try to visit them often though.

I know exactly what you’re talking about @Mossandtwine . I live abroad and my Dad is similar to your Mum, likes reminding me that I’ve abandoned him, even though I ring him every day, do a lot for him remotely thanks to technology, and visit every few months. He occasionally says that I’ll “get my comeuppance” whatever that means.

Ironically, he wasn’t bothered before he was widowed, not particularly interested in me tbh!

I’ve found that the best way to cope is to let it wash over me when he’s being unpleasant. I know that I’m not a bad daughter and he’s elderly and unwell, so I’ll keep supporting him fo the time we have left. He’s a lovely Grandpa to my children, he doesn’t resent them in the way he does me!

My DD is at uni a three-hour flight away so we only see her every few months. I’m delighted for her, she made the right choice for her and is living her best life. You can still be emotionally close without being physically close.

@bruford he probably means you'll get no inheritance! As you've not stepped in to replace your mum as his support human.

I think there's a high chance that my two kids might end up living in different countries, and I will be gutted if that happens. However, I would rather die than let them see my gutted-ness.

@SaturdayFive Ha! I honestly wouldn’t care about inheritance, although I think he means that my children may also “abandon”” me.

The difference is that I don’t view them going off to live their best lives as abandonment, I’d be delighted for them.

Visit her less often OP and she may change her behaviour towards you or ask her to visit you

You are going above and beyond to keep in touch with your mum, but it sounds as if nothing will ever please her.

Do you think counselling might help you?

As a Mum of multiple adult children, I send you very much love. All but one of my children live (relatively) locally, and TBH, I cannot believe how lucky I am. I bear no grudge against the one who lives away. Their family visits, and we visit them. We wish they were nearer - but that is life, and something as parents we expected - and we expected it to be the case with more than one.
SO DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. LIVE YOUR LIFE - that is what you should be doing. Live your life, enjoy your children. Your Mum needs to come to terms that you are an adult with your life.
I lost my Mum relatively recently. She always told me to live my life to the full - and to put myself first - she was wise. She needed me and I wanted to return some of the mothering I had given her when she was elderly and in need. It doesn't sound like your Mum is in need - just needy atm
HUGS xxxx

She’s been to counselling. It really helps to read the OPs updates before you post.

I'd do some research on FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt). Not the same situation, but some similarities....only daughter, my mother is overly critical, controlling, demanding, needy, selfish, and deeply negative. I could see her six days a week and she'd only complain it wasn't seven. I think you are going above and beyond to visit as often as you do given the state of your relationship.

And regarding her not being a complete monster, people can still be critical, etc and still be nice at times...If they were always "bad" then they couldn't hook you. Playing nice sometimes is what keeps you in the cycle. So...keep in that in mind.

I'd work on setting healthy boundaries and not feeling guilty, things that you CAN control because she will be who she is, always.

My mother was like this- could be really undermining and divisive, manipulative, and when I was a child and a teenager I see now that she really damaged me. And my lovely dad let her.

On the other hand she was always generous, she was very loving when she was happy, as I got older she stopped the sulks and manipulation, and was a fantastic grandmother. She’s no longer with us and it’s taking/taken me years to move through the process of dealing with it all. @Mossandtwine it’s really hard when there is love and decency in with the damaging stuff. Sending sympathy.

Don’t do anything to try and please her, do whatever pleases yourself. Nothing will ever be good enough for her so it’s better to be hung for a sheep than a lamb. Be happy with your life and don’t take any heed of her comments. Hard, I know, but as a 52 year old post menopausal woman who spent her younger years trying to seek validation from a woman who always criticised everything and let it impact on how I lived my life, it has been liberating to do what I please and simply say “that was rude” whenever she says anything that bothers me.

🙄🙄🙄

Bully for you, but life isn’t that simple for some folks. I doubt OP’s DM believes she is being ‘deliberately nasty’.

‘From your over-use of the word sad, it sounds like everything makes you said except the impact of the mother's behaviour on her daughter and husband.’

Ridiculous.