Mothers of adult children...how would you feel?

[Mossandtwine]

...if your daughter lived a 3 hour flight away in a place she loved, was married to a kind and hardworking man, was settled in a job she loved and had lots of friends, and whose primary aged kids were absolutely thriving. Your daughter comes home every 3 months on average, sometimes for a month at a time. She always keeps in touch, remembers every birthday etc.

How would you feel about this and what would you tell her?

I had a mother like that.
I was her confidant, and parentification was my whole childhood
I moved abroad having left home because of my bullying father.
My mother used me as a buffer with him for years.
When I moved away was when the put downs and niggling at me ramped up.
She took no pleasure in my success in career and life.

This is 40 years ago and I suffered with low level depression during my 20's trying to process my very stressful childhood, that I simply didn't understand.
I worked hard to be positive and live my best life.
But still the little digs and put downs.

I pulled back, didn't go home, focused on my life.
I told my mother when challenged, that it was clear I couldn't do anything right so had decided to simply stop trying.

We moved to the other side of the world and that created a natural break. I grieved them both for what they were not, and let that go.

I remained very very low contact until their death and felt great relief when they both past.

With my own children, to know they were happy and living their best lives would be my greatest joy and comfort.
I cannot see beyond that hope.
I do know from friends it is a great sadness when their children settled far away, but they hide it well, and are incredibly proud of their success.

Sadly some parents are a source of pain, grief and confusion.
Your father enabling her has allowed this to continue, he hasn't done enough.

I would pull back, focus on enjoying and building your life abroad.
You cannot fix her, but you can protect yourself.
There is nothing uglier than a parent begrudging their child success and being jealous of it.

Completely and utterly unfathomable to me.
My childrens success is pure joy, and I celebrate and savour it.

Have you RTFT? OP has lots of issues with her mum.

I have now!

I do sympathise with you having to deal with her passive aggression. Your being an only child means you are taking a larger burden than normal. Try not to feel guilty and encourage her to widen her circle of friends, perhaps do voluntary work, or take up a hobby as this is really not fair on you; you do not have to change to please her. She sounds jealous of you and perhaps that's because you have a rounded personality with lots of different interests and aspects to your life. Maybe she didn't develop her interests and feels a failure or is just bored with her life. None of that is your fault. I remember my own mother's putdowns even now, very deflating! You should try and reduce interaction with her for your own emotional wellbeing. Look on the bright side, her attitude has probably made you ensure you don't upset anyone else in a similar way. Sending you supportive vibes.

Haven’t rtft but I’d be really happy for her that she had a happy life. I’d miss her too (I’m used to a close family who see a lot of each other) so 4 times a year is very infrequent to me but it is what it is. I’d suck it up and be glad that she has a great life and ensure I made the most of the time we could spend together.

Honestly I'd be devestated as I'd hate to be that far away from my children. I would also want to respect her choice though and not make her feel guilty. I'd probably look to move close to her tbf, if feasible.

Does she have narcissistic tendencies? Her attitude seems skewed. Why isn’t she proud of you? Relieved you did well/ are doing well?

Something along the following I think.

Your mum is most likely genuinely delighted that you’re happy, settled, and doing brilliantly. That’s what she always wanted for you. But at the same time, she’s human — and she misses being part of the small, everyday bits of your life. It’s not that you’re doing anything wrong. It’s just that love doesn’t switch off, even when life takes you in different directions

She doesn’t want you to feel guilty or change your life. She just feels the distance sometimes, the same way anyone would when someone they love lives far away.

It’s like watching your favourite book continue with new chapters you don’t get to read every day. You’re thrilled the story is going well — but you still miss being closer to it

I'd tell you that if I had the guts. But sometimes, despite trying to hold in my feelings of missing out, I might not be able to contain myself and my self pity may come out as me trying to guilt trip you because having spent so many years loving and nurturing you, its hard not be be with you and parts of me want to know you miss me like that too.

Some call it an empty nest syndrome, some loneliness, not general loneliness, but for a specific person that played a big part in their life - you!

I'd be absolutely delighted you was living a happy & fulfilled life. I'd miss you all obviously but i'd have your visits to look forward to.

If you didn't live abroad she'd find something else to disapprove of and be sulky about. And you probably moved abroad to escape the control. You carry on enjoying your life and feeling proud of yourself. I know it's hard to stop seeking approval though, even when you know you'll never get it.

this is way too much of her visiting you. Why she stay at yours for a month? Then if she does this every 3 months, you see her for 4 months per year??

not sure what you mean by your post. Feeling what?? As compared to what or opposed to what

Absolutely thrilled. I want her to be with her own family, and while I hope to see and Zoom/speak to her regularly, I really don't want her to live near me and feel she has to see me every day. I know too many older women who guilt trip their daughters (and more rarely sons) into being their best friend, moan if they move out of their town, and are jealous when they marry.
And while I wouldn't mind doing some babysitting, if I'm well enough, I want to have a life of my own and work until retirement, and then have hobbies and get to do the stuff I never could do, so I wouldn't want to feel obliged to babysit every day (which is another issue that gets brought up a lot).

I am sorry you are going through this. I have a similar situation with my mother in law. Over the years I have come to know her ways and sadly I am the target of her critical comments, sarcasm and offensive jokes.
My husband and I have worked very hard to create the life we have and we have a strong marriage. She does nothing to support us or show any happiness for us. She also has no interest in us, never asks about what is going in our lives, work, friends etc. Whenever I do try to tell her about things she just ignores it and changes the subject.
I cannot understand her behaviour, I think she has personality traits that are possibly narcissistic and as sad as it is to say she is jealous of us.
Some of the comments where you describe your situation sound similar. I am not sure why mothers cannot be wholeheartedly happy for their children being successful and happy, surely that is every parent's dream come true.

I'd be happy my daughter had made a successful life for herself. Maybe even jealous that she'd broken out.

I'd miss her but feel like I did a good job, and I'd do there for extended breaks too

I have two grown up sons and if I were your mum, I’d be really pleased you have a great life and delighted to see you on visits.
However, sadly whatever you do will never be enough for some parents. I know this from bitter experience with my dad - life has been so much easier without him.

I would tell her how proud I was of her and be thrilled she and her family were happy. If she/they could manage a visit every 3 months with work and commitments, it would be lovely. If it were ok for me to visit them occasionally - bonus 😊

Id think it was great she's so happy in her life

This is me.

DD2 (DC3) is living 4/5 hours away. We are both in the UK but she moved to her current city for uni, fell in love, graduated and was accepted for her masters so double reason to stay.

I see her about twice a year due to money, distance, jobs etc. I miss her desperately but she is living her best life. She is working and studying, living with her partner (who is a gentle and kind man who clearly adores her, as she does him) and generally living her best life. She is happy and therefore, so am I.

We both wish we could see each other more, but there are other ways that we can connect other than in person. Do I wish she lived around the corner? Of course, but for purely selfish reasons. Her life is in that city for very good reasons that dont trump me wanting to see her more.

Doesnt stop me missing her but it does help that I know she is thriving and growing and glowing!

It's all a bit sad really.

I’m in a similar situation op. Go back home with my kids 3 times per year, parents visit me 2-3 times a year sometimes for a month. Plus I take them for a holidays once a year. And I still feel like I’m missing out on their life as they’re getting older. I’ve lived abroad 20 years now always made an effort but always get comments - are you coming for a week only? That’s so short. I’m like - yeah sorry kids only get a week off in Feb. Always the same comments. Never enough days spent there. It’s so frustrating. I know it’s coming from a place of love and that they’re missing us but what can I do? Why making me feel bad? Yes I could go there for a month in the summer but I don’t want to. I want to do other things with kids too and visit other places, go to festivals etc. plus I would go crazy. Oh and if I was coming for a month I’d be ask why not all summer.

have you considered it could be a cultural thing regarding our mothers? Tough love. I’m not British. My friends from my country complain about similar things, the criticism, the unwanted opinions, etc. also since living abroad I see how badly we as a nation communicate with each other. I’m trying to break the pattern but it’s so hard when it’s almost like it’s in my dna. Also in my country people don’t like seeing someone else succeed and have a good life.
my mother is very happy for my life amd is my biggest fan and learnt not to criticise after I told her off on many occasions. I think if you want to continue visiting your parents you need to call out your mother’s behaviour. Tell her directly that her comment wasn’t kind, ask her why she felt the need to tell you this or that. Ask her directly - are you not happy for me as it comes across as you’re not? My mum criticised my windows weren’t clean enough - I said - if it bothers you you’re welcomed to clean them to your standard. Never heard another comment about the windows again😀 the thing is that my mum is completely oblivious of her behaviour and then when confronted she acts like a victim, starts crying etc. but in the end I think she gets the message.

You don't owe your mum anything, nor do you have anything to prove. I have a successful life (on paper), yet my mum is like yours. Eventually, I realised my mum didn't really bring any joy to my life so we are low contact and my mental health is much improved.

That we loved her and appreciated her coming home often.

OP, your relationship to your mum mirrors mine in many ways. I don’t have the close dad/he-would-back-me-up relationship though.

I see my parents only due to a sense of obligation. They have told me what they think of me and it was not pretty. Many years have passed and these days we just get along enough to have a pleasant visit and then it’s back to our lives.

DH, DC and I visit in short bursts every few weeks. They don’t come to see us. I stick to neutral topics when talking such as sports, traffic, cost of living, the weather and non-controversial topics on the news.

I don’t share anything personal and no updates about any achievements such as promotions or new life experiences. They have zero interest in any of it. After years of this, I find visits much easier. I’m not looking to get approval or deep and meaningful conversations from them.

You come across as a very caring and thiughtful daughter.
Your children will soon be coming to an age when they won’t want to spend a month away from friends and their home, that’s just how things go in life. So maybe you need to think more about you and YOUR family rather than the mother who feels “abandoned”. She is not your responsibility. Good luck.