Mothers of adult children...how would you feel?

[Mossandtwine]

...if your daughter lived a 3 hour flight away in a place she loved, was married to a kind and hardworking man, was settled in a job she loved and had lots of friends, and whose primary aged kids were absolutely thriving. Your daughter comes home every 3 months on average, sometimes for a month at a time. She always keeps in touch, remembers every birthday etc.

How would you feel about this and what would you tell her?

My daughter is 18 and had the opportunity to go to China for 7 week this summer which she has turned down for a job and is going next year. My adult children can live wherever they want to and I’m grateful for every day they phone or want to talk to me - great holidays too!

She may not realise how she comes across and mat not intend to hurt me as she does but interactions with her do leave me feeling very deflated and like a bit of a failure if im honest.

Is there something wrong with your eyes?

I’d be gutted for myself that they were so far away but very grateful that they came home so frequently. And I’d be delighted that they were happy.

Ignore your mum. Let it go over your head. Or outright tell her that she’s lucky you come home so often and if she carries on, then you may end up coming less frequently.

Yes, I’m sure it is.
I take my hat off to you that you’re doing your very best to manage the difficult situation.
My experience is that very difficult people can become much easier as time passes and whatever has been troubling them fades into the past.
That’s when you realise they are trying in their own, limited way. And your difficulties can be resolved at that point.

Ok but you have said that
-she doesn't behave like this when your dad is about
-she has dialled back her behaviour towards you when she realised it was pushing you away
-she behaves in a totally different "normal" way when other people are about

To an outsider that sounds like an awful lot of awareness of how she comes across.

I’ve never lived in the same city as my parents - and I was never able to visit for a month at a time. I’m sure my parents were happy I’d made a good life despite living in a city 400 miles away.

I think it’s wrong of a parent to guilt trip their child - they’ve lived their life with young family etc, I think it’s far worse when it’s the other way round and the grandmother decides to move hundreds of miles away when her (only) daughter is shortly about to have her first child with, no warning.

This is what happened to me and a decade later I’m still sad and angry about it. Everyone has the right to live their own lives but it still really hurt when she fucked off after leading me to believe she’d be around to support me being a new mum and be part of our lives like she was for my brother and his family. She didn’t owe me anything but you can still feel shit about it.

I don’t make her feel bad about it all the time tho like your mum does to you, OP. That should ensure a healthy distance form visits til she snaps out of it perhaps?

Sorry OP but your mother does indeed know how she comes across to you and she does not care. She has awareness because she dials it right back towards you when your dad is around and she is performative with it as a mother. You probably remind her of him; a man she has always hated.

She putting you down fluffs her over inflated ego along with her arching senses of grandiosity and importance.

I agree. I would hope this for my own daughter.

@Mossandtwine you sound wonderful - is your mother complaining about something ?

I think you could do with some counselling to explore why you feel you need to seek her approval all the time. She sounds quite toxic. I’d be cutting down the visits - she’s critical anyway so either way you lose but at least you don’t have to put up with the emotional blackmail so often.

She manages not to be horrid when in earshot of OP's dad, so she does know what she's doing. They always do!

You don't think a lot of those 'older women' (I don't feel like an older woman at 50) have maybe got the lived experience that they know how they feel if their child moves further away? Or maybe they moved themselves?

I know I won't be here forever. If all my children are established in life with good spouses and living their dream, I can die reassured they are okay. That's my dream for them. I want them to not need me.

It doesn't mean I might not be sad or not want them to go (which is different than trying to guilt or stop them or making them feel bad). It's normal and human to feel sad about that.

Perhaps OPs DM didn’t enjoy being a mother but put her ‘duty’ first to give her DD a good life. Nod DD has her good life, DM realises what she has missed out on; it makes her sad and jealous.

@SixtySomething I think it’s unusual and extremely sad for a parent to be jealous of their adult child’s good life. Most parents really want their children’s lives to be easier and better than their own.

My Dad is jealous of me and it’s not normal parental behavior at all. One of his friends has confronted him about it and asked him whether he actually loves me. He was taken aback to be told how horrible his jealousy is.

I would tailor my visits home on how long you wish to be around your father, Op.

Personally I live 10 mins away from my mother and you could not force me to spend 24hours straight with her and her constant judgment.

In my extended family, there are a couple of examples of one person doing better than the other members of the family group. In both cases, it has led to jealous behaviour towards the 'successful' one. In one case, the jealous one is a parent, in another case a sibling. I also realise my MIL was nasty to me because she felt jealous of aspects of my life, while overall she was much better off than me.
I'm not sure how unusual this jealousy is.

I quite agree with your comment.
The tricky bit is why someone, particularly a mother, would behave like this. Sadly, there is such a thing as sheer nastiness, but I suspect a lot of the time it's down to some MH condition, or sense of complete inferiority.

Can I ask which country you're in? It sounds great! And is making me want to move!

@SixtySomething I think sibling jealousy is common, but I hope that parental jealousy isn’t, it’s very sad and awful to be jealous of your own child. 😕

This book might give you the key to what youre dealing with.

"Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson

The tricky bit is not "why" they are doing it. You can understand why someone is behaving in a certain way, or not have a clue why they are doing it, but it doesn't mean that you have to put up with the behaviour.

OP's mum is an adult who is somewhat older than her ( by definition). She has had many years to understand "appropriate ways" to behave, reflect on any issues she has; seek professional help if needed etc. Instead she chooses to take things out on OP. That's on her. If (for example) her behaviour has its root in childhood trauma, then that's very sad, but it doesn't give her license to treat OP badly.

I’d love it! Obviously I’d miss her, but her happiness is more important. My DD recently moved back home after living 3 hours away by train so not the same as a flight, we saw her about once every couple of months. Unfortunately wasn’t great circumstances her moving back and I preferred it when she was happening away than miserable at home. She’s coming up for mid-20s now.

PS: to add to the above, my husband was never that happy about her staying in her uni town after graduating & now he’s got his ‘wish’, her being home.