Needing advice on my boyfriend

[Dolly550]

Hi, so I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months now. We are very much in love , well I know I am.
it hasn’t been the smoothest of starts , he likes control and likes this his way in general. If we did have a disagreement , he was immediately try to end the relationship but then come back the next day.
we got better , we started to communicate better and understand each other as that’s how things develop. I thought we were making progress , I’m a very open person , emotionally intelligent, he isn’t so much , he can be sometimes. He had told me many times that he has never felt like this for anyone , I take that with a pinch of salt. Always said how deep our connection is , called us soulmates , we did start to mention moving in as things progress , I met his sons and brother and family. He hasn’t met mine just yet because they aren’t the most positive people ever. And I wanted to make sure we were serious before meeting. Anyway literally 24 hours ago we were very much in love , cuddling, he even brought up marriage. The next morning , apparently I was in a mood. We were having a tiny dispute and he then totally flipped , slammed the breaks on the car , shouting , pointing , calling me a cunt and telling me to shut the fuck up. He has a lot of financial stress and other stresses, I was shocked and frightened and told him to calm down , he was screaming that in 4 months I’ve never added him to my life etc. even though he’s meant to be meeting my father in a few weeks. He’s now ended the relationship, said he’s never met anyone as difficult as me , that he’s had enough of me and I’m just broken and so confused. It’s constant whiplash with him and I love him very much and I know he does love me in his own weird way , he was always expressive , lovely , so in love, everything was perfect with us. But when conflict hit , he was very mean and different. I pushed him away from me in the car when he was shouting because I was frightened and he said what you going to do hit me , I said no ! He has 2 failed marriages wayyy before , that were very awful from his telling to me. I think he’s left out some details in there but I just think it’s gone from 0-100! Could I have some nice advice on here. I’m struggling with this and I never wanted us to end.

Run. My now husband had me in a trauma bond emotionally abusive relationship from about 6 months in and it started with strange, angry and frightening behaviour like this. He and I are through the other side of it now (somehow) but I spent 16 years absolutely terrified and became completely fucked up myself, all because I loved him too much because I was incredibly needy. Unless you want a life of being someone's therapist at the expense of your own mental health, run before you get stuck in any deeper.

4 months , you barely know him but he has shown you what he is capable of , you said it wasn't a smooth start and he is controlling , i would have been out of it there and then and no looking back.
You may have had a lucky escape seeing this behaviour early on ,i hope you can see he is potentially dangerous.
You can't possibly feel love for a man who has frightened you and called you a C..T - (i hate that word so much !!!!)
Please don't be one of the many on here that forgive him 'coz i love him' 🙄

Meeting his children after 3 months IS rushing.

please, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. That is the most emotionally mature thing to do.

this man is controlling and abusive, do not walk away, run away, far away. He will get worse, much worse

Raise your bar and, at the very least, never ever let anyone call you a cunt again.

You are worth much much more than this.

Also to add the mothers of these men will defend them to the death so don’t take anything she says with any seriousness. Further to that, look up reactive abuse and I bet that’s what he experienced with his wives.

Why does he have to be neurodivergent ? Plenty of men are just controlling, abusive shitbags - simples !!

He actually sounds really scary OP. I'd thank my lucky stars that he showed his true colours (along with a vast parade of other red flags!) so early on with his car tantrum and get on with my life very much without him in it.

I'd also mentally file away things to be very very wary of next time:
Lovebombing (saying you're soulmates, pushing for meeting family etc)
Control issues
Very messy past
Probably many more...

4 months in, he should still be showing you his absolute best side - the slightest hint of control, anger etc and they need to be gone. I'd also get some counselling to explore whether you are drawn to a rollercoaster/emotionally intense/"fixer"/codependent type relationships. I dated several men for around 3-6 months after my divorce but before my DP. I ended the relationships for a variety of reasons and you really need to be ready to end a relationship during the first year (or any time if certain behaviours are displayed but certainly see the first year as a tester period).

I'd also bet my life that this man will be back with many apologies, trying to worm his way back in with you. Please please don't let him back into your life. It won't end well - he will realise he can erode your boundaries and continue getting worse and worse.

And very inexperienced and naive. She has money and property and he has nothing, and yet it’s never even crossed her mind that if she actually marries this piece of shit he’ll be entitled to half of everything she’s worked for.

It's aggressive to try to point this out to her. She only wants to hear how perfect he is.

Good lord! YOu can do much, much better. Any woman could do better than this excuse for a human.

You do know @Dolly550 that Heathcliff is a fictional character, and that Cathy is not a role model ...?

☝️Aye, and he's a complete and utter arsehole as well. Fuck knows why he's been so romanticised over the years - I can only assume it's by people who've never actually read the book.

Meaning his child is also homeless. Although of course this valiant wonderful father must have taken his child in, what with their being homeless and all. No?

anyway, the op hasn’t responded since this post at 14.43, so are we to assume her wonderful soul mate has returned, blamed her for the argument, told her hes prepared to forgive her, and she’s fallen back in to his arms?

Or his/her parents are now home from work and told them they’ve got homework to finish before half te ends

Absolutely this! Move on.

As others have pointed out, you have described a classic abusive man.

But I want you to look at what you have written here and understand why you were vulnerable to someone like this - as was I.

You waited 4 months to introduce him to your family because you wanted to know what sort of man he was. And every time he showed you, you ignored it, because you were 'in love'. With a man you did not yet know.

This is not 'taking things slowly'. Taking things slowly is holding on to your heart so that you can see the person clearly, and end the relationship when they show signs of damaging behaviours.

It's very hard to do this if you do not love yourself and are therefore desperate for love from someone else. You 'fall in love' with the idea you have about a person, which is created from little bits of who they are, and a whole load of your own hopes and dreams.

Lastly, your boundaries are poor to non-existent. Do you dream of being with a man who regularly 'ends the relationship' as a manipulation? Who calls you a cunt? Who is aggressive when he doesn't get his own way? And all this in the early days of the relationship, when people are on their best behaviour - so he will only ever get worse.

If you don't want these things in your life, you have to end relationships with men who behave in this way, the first time they do it, and for good. That is what a boundary is. Some boundaries it's fine to lay out once to another person to give them a chance to know where you stand (e.g. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who spends all weekend doing their hobby). But for all the things I've mentioned above, which are clear signs of an abuser, no, a first appearance needs to be the last.

He sounds vile , vicious and abusive.
if you go back to him he will wreck your life.

I'm afraid when you put up with this appalling behaviour for so long, it is a very real flaw.

You more or less choose your life, once you're an adult. Either a drama filled and emotionally violent relationship, or a calmer one where you can both be more rational, stable, and the relationship can deepen.

Drama can be adrenaline-addictive but it gets very old very fast, if you want a long term relationship.

I think you need to do some reading up on what healthy relationships look like, and what genuine love is. This wasn't.

Why are/were you involved with this cunt?