Needing advice on my boyfriend

[Dolly550]

Hi, so I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months now. We are very much in love , well I know I am.
it hasn’t been the smoothest of starts , he likes control and likes this his way in general. If we did have a disagreement , he was immediately try to end the relationship but then come back the next day.
we got better , we started to communicate better and understand each other as that’s how things develop. I thought we were making progress , I’m a very open person , emotionally intelligent, he isn’t so much , he can be sometimes. He had told me many times that he has never felt like this for anyone , I take that with a pinch of salt. Always said how deep our connection is , called us soulmates , we did start to mention moving in as things progress , I met his sons and brother and family. He hasn’t met mine just yet because they aren’t the most positive people ever. And I wanted to make sure we were serious before meeting. Anyway literally 24 hours ago we were very much in love , cuddling, he even brought up marriage. The next morning , apparently I was in a mood. We were having a tiny dispute and he then totally flipped , slammed the breaks on the car , shouting , pointing , calling me a cunt and telling me to shut the fuck up. He has a lot of financial stress and other stresses, I was shocked and frightened and told him to calm down , he was screaming that in 4 months I’ve never added him to my life etc. even though he’s meant to be meeting my father in a few weeks. He’s now ended the relationship, said he’s never met anyone as difficult as me , that he’s had enough of me and I’m just broken and so confused. It’s constant whiplash with him and I love him very much and I know he does love me in his own weird way , he was always expressive , lovely , so in love, everything was perfect with us. But when conflict hit , he was very mean and different. I pushed him away from me in the car when he was shouting because I was frightened and he said what you going to do hit me , I said no ! He has 2 failed marriages wayyy before , that were very awful from his telling to me. I think he’s left out some details in there but I just think it’s gone from 0-100! Could I have some nice advice on here. I’m struggling with this and I never wanted us to end.

You've been together 5 mins and he's this abusive. Please don't get back with him. Use some of your wealth for therapy and work on your self esteem.

I agree with this. If you keep on meeting idiots then explore why otherwise it’ll just happen again.

He hasn’t met my family because I wanted to see what sort of man he was

And now he has shown you in such little time what he is capable of what sort of man do you think he is?

Only 4 months in and he can’t hide who he really is. Abusive, selfish, toxic and a gaslighter. You may feel you are in love but this man is not one to keep in your life. He is already creating a volatile dynamic and fear in you. You don’t need this. Don’t get sucked into the constant rollercoaster where he’s all lovey dovey at one point and then flips. You then start to wonder what you’ve done gone wrong and that you’ll do whatever you can to please him but walk on constant eggshells that he’s going to flip any moment. It’s no way to live and your self esteem will be decimated. Don’t start thinking that you can change him, this kind of behaviour is heavily ingrained into his core for whatever reason. Put yourself and your physical and mental safety first. Please. If any friend of yours told you what you’ve posted here, you’d be saying this man is not good for you. You deserve the same care.

Jesus. Please read back over everything you’ve written @Dolly550.

He’s controlling, abusive, has to have his own way, screams at you, swears at you, frightens you, has placed you in potential danger because he can’t control his own temper, has a string of failed relationships, has serious financial problems, puts you down then lovebombs you, and you’ve had to ‘walk away many times.

And this is all in four months. Four months! What you’ve described would be a lot if you’d been married 40 years - and people would still be telling you to get out and away from this man immediately.

I’m really sorry but to describe yourself as emotionally intelligent in one breath, then in the next declare you’re deeply in love and feel this person might be ‘the one’ on the basis of what sounds like a truly shocking and very short-lived involvement is really not congruent.

And being weak in love is a flaw. Because it enables predatory pieces of shit like this to smell vulnerability and override every boundary and self-preservation instinct you may ordinarily have.

Please read about limerance and coercive control and do not let this man back into your life. He’ll wheedle and cry and rage and say anything to get you back once he realises you’re gone. But if you let him I guarantee that in no time you will find yourself isolated, controlled, fearful, anxious and constantly treading on eggshells so as not to ‘set him off’ - and when he does go off, it’ll be your fault. You’ll lose all your power and agency (or believe you have), occupy less and less space in your own life, and one day you’ll realise you have zero joy or happiness, the woman you once were has disappeared and you don’t recognise the person you’ve become. Run while you still can.

There is nothing remotely aggressive about this posters comment. You are incredibly emotionally immature, which is shown not only by your op, but your responses to people who have taken the time to reply to you.

I'm baffled that you can't see what every single person is telling you, seeing as you are so emotionally intelligent and all that 🤣

What did his mother say about the passing of the disabled child? That had such a terrible woman as a mother and an abusive hold digger as a father.

Quite the drip feed when you already mentioned he had a disabled child that was left with him. Are the next lot of children less than 5 years old? How can they be so "normal" if they had a sibling who lived with them die, were hit by an alcoholic mother and their father introduces new women into their lives after a few weeks.

OP you sound like a daft and desperate teenager, who is a long way off understanding the difference between loving someone, and being in love. You’re 36, but seem really giddy and silly.

Whatever this man wanted from you, he was very wrong to bring you into his children’s lives so early. Whatever you wanted from him, perhaps now you can understand why you and he don’t realistically have a future together. Dodged a bullet there.

I think the old chestnut

"When someone shows you who they are-believe them"

Needs to be your new mantra.

Let him go. You can’t love him as you don’t know him. He has only just revealed himself. Anyone who abuses like that before you are even married has a short fuse and no doubt that is why he fails in relationships. The controlling aspect would make me run for the hills. I think you have a romanticised view of love and to be truly emotionally aware you need to see behind the bullshit many give you at the start of a relationship. When someone shows you who they are believe them.

Or 'At the first sign of shit, get out'.
It won't get any better.

Way to soon, he sounds like an arsehole and you sound extremely naive.
People aren’t purposely trying to upset you with their responses but you need to understand why.
You can not love someone after 4 months, especially someone who blows hot and cold and calls you a cunt.

The fact he slags of his first two ex wives is another red flag, men like this are normally unable to admit their own faults so don’t see the need to change their own behaviour… Because it’s never them, it’s always the woman causing problems.
What were your role models like growing up?
I ask because I had an abusive mum and a dad who told me he loved me but never did a thing to protect me.
This resulted in me finding men who I had to continually guess if they loved me or not extremely attractive. I confused anxiety with butterflies and thought drama meant real love.
It took a lot of therapy to realise that, look up trauma bonding and see if it makes sense to you.

OP this is all irrelevant - his exes could be awful people, or they could be saints he horrendously abused. Irrelevant.

What is important here is that he is abusive to you. He emotionally and verbally abused you, he risks your safety to make you feel scared, he controls you with his hot and cold behaviour.

This relationship is not safe. Please please contact your local domestic abuse service and talk to them about the things you’ve told us here.

I'm a man. Get the fuck away from this guy as stay away. I read this thinking you were teenagers until you said he has a son? He can change, but likely won't, and it's not your job to do it. There are 4.5 billion men in the world, try another one. A less mental and more mature one.

Ok haha typing on the go so ease up

You think meeting his children after 3 months of knowing him is not rushing?! You’ve been with this guys for 5 minutes, broken up multiple times already and he’s been emotionally and verbally abusive to you.

I don’t know what you’re after here OP - clearly you have no plans to take any advice or leave him. But in a few months, or maybe even years, when you’re still in an abusive relationship with a horrible man who has no love or respect for you, I imagine you’ll wish you’d cut your losses at this very early 4-month mark.

I think people are being a little harsh to the OP - it's pretty clear she has learning difficulties so won't be able to spot red flags in the way many people would.
She needs safeguarding support
OP do you have a care worker you could talk this through with?

He's controlling and abusive.

He's a crappy parent introducing a GF to his kids so fast. He love bombed you. Guy's got all the red flags flying. He has kids who are "damaged", well, why the hell isn't he concentrating on their problems instead of dating? Answer is he's likely looking for a bangmaidnanny and that would be you. Introducing a new woman into their lives is the last thing those poor kids need right now. You're foolish to keep seeing this abusive asshole.

Run. Things will only get worse from here.

Off to meet your friend for a milk-shake or bubble tea are you?

There are no other posts from the OP.

girl, you are lucky you get to walk away now.

this isn't how a relationship should be. Please think long and hard about what you expect from men before the next one and don't give this abusive toad a backward glance.

I mean this in the most gentle of ways OP. Please take it as it is meant. This man is abusive. Block him now, while you are free from him. Do a Claire's law request on him. I can bet my bottom dollar that he is known to the police.

I can also bet that he doesn't have a dead disabled child.

Please contact Women's Aid and get yourself on to the freedom programme.

You will end up dead or seriously injured.

Yes it is.

Don’t have learning difficulties

He definitely has a disabled child who is now dead yes , it has been confirmed many times so treat that with care

4 months is not a long time, walk away from this awful man now. If you don't, you'll be a couple of years down the line with a child or two and a lot of emotional and probably physical trauma from him while he and his mother are telling the next, even younger, girlfriend what a crazy bitch you were along with the other exes.
I've been with my husband 18 years and he's never, not once, called me names or made me feel like I was in physical danger from him. People who are very much in love with don't call their 'soul mate' a cunt.

I recommend you watch the recent documentary 'Lover, liar, predator', you may see similarities. One of the victims featured started her own programme to help abused women which eventually got her abusive ex husband's new partner free of him.