Needing advice on my boyfriend

[Dolly550]

Hi, so I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for 4 months now. We are very much in love , well I know I am.
it hasn’t been the smoothest of starts , he likes control and likes this his way in general. If we did have a disagreement , he was immediately try to end the relationship but then come back the next day.
we got better , we started to communicate better and understand each other as that’s how things develop. I thought we were making progress , I’m a very open person , emotionally intelligent, he isn’t so much , he can be sometimes. He had told me many times that he has never felt like this for anyone , I take that with a pinch of salt. Always said how deep our connection is , called us soulmates , we did start to mention moving in as things progress , I met his sons and brother and family. He hasn’t met mine just yet because they aren’t the most positive people ever. And I wanted to make sure we were serious before meeting. Anyway literally 24 hours ago we were very much in love , cuddling, he even brought up marriage. The next morning , apparently I was in a mood. We were having a tiny dispute and he then totally flipped , slammed the breaks on the car , shouting , pointing , calling me a cunt and telling me to shut the fuck up. He has a lot of financial stress and other stresses, I was shocked and frightened and told him to calm down , he was screaming that in 4 months I’ve never added him to my life etc. even though he’s meant to be meeting my father in a few weeks. He’s now ended the relationship, said he’s never met anyone as difficult as me , that he’s had enough of me and I’m just broken and so confused. It’s constant whiplash with him and I love him very much and I know he does love me in his own weird way , he was always expressive , lovely , so in love, everything was perfect with us. But when conflict hit , he was very mean and different. I pushed him away from me in the car when he was shouting because I was frightened and he said what you going to do hit me , I said no ! He has 2 failed marriages wayyy before , that were very awful from his telling to me. I think he’s left out some details in there but I just think it’s gone from 0-100! Could I have some nice advice on here. I’m struggling with this and I never wanted us to end.

It's a flaw when you put up with nonsense like this and to think love making you weak is desirable.

You're 4 months in, you know the hearts and flowers bit? It's a horrible relationship, he sounds like a nightmare and I would bet the house it won't get better.

He's tested you a few times by breaking up and you going back to him, so he's nice and secure in the knowledge that he can treat you like shit and you will put up with it.
He'll be hitting you soon, mark my words.

@Nanny0gg , thank you.

@Dolly550 , The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse, Home - Women's Aid

If you have seen him every day, 4 months is approx 120 days. If you have seen him twice a week, it's approx 34 days. You may feel like you are in love, but you're not you're in love with the idea of being in love. I've had food in my fridge longer than you've been in this relationship.

This guy is controlling. He's abusive. He's emotionally reactive. You have no idea when or why he's going to kick off. He calls you names. He's got 2 abusive exs, and that's a red flag in itself. He's a shit dad that introduces his Gf to his kids with no care for their emotional well-being or sense of stability. THIS IS AS GOOD IT GETS. ITS ONLY DOWN HILL FROM NOW. This is the honey moon period when everyone is on their best behaviour.

Stay away from him. He's a walking red flag.

4 months in and fighting, arguing, breaking up, and you think this is love and a relationship worth pursuing? When did people become so incapable of recognising healthy relationships?

It is a flaw, and a dangerous one.

You will end up a dead statistic if you don't learn how to deal with "men" like this. IE run a mile

It's 4 months!!

Stay with him...IF you want a life walking on eggshells dreading the next time he snaps and hurls foul abuse in your face, or advances to physical assault as well as verbal.
He is horrible, forever the victim, leaving broken people behind him without a care....you will be one of them one day.

Alternatively, get out now....you deserve better, and if you doubt that, pay for professional help to show you your worth.

It’s a happy ending OP, the trash took itself out.

He's shown you in the 4 months that you've been together and insight to what life with him is going to be like.

Only you can decide if this is the life you want for yourself and any future DC you may have together.

If so do all you can to get him back, but at 36 I'd be absolutely sure I'm making the right decision and not wasting years until you've suddenly realised there's aother side to why his previous two marriages ended.

How old is he, 15? Of course his ex wives were "abusive" i would imagine if you asked them, there would be a completely different story.
For your own sanity and wellbeing please dump this monstrosity of a man, hes shown you who he is, so believe him

You asked for advice. Being in love after 4 months of you’re an adult isn’t that common! It’s a bit intense, especially with all of the behaviour you’ve described. Any chance he is actually an abusive/manipulative person who thought he’d found someone he could control?
lots of red flags in your one paragraph alone, not to mention many more unmentioned!

So he has no money, he's abusive, and has 2 crazy ex wives.

Sounds like a fucking catch to me
Gold plated cock? Because there's nothing else that is vaguely attractive about him.

Well I had met his mother and spoke to his mother and of course he’s probably fed her the same stuff.
but the mother had said to she didn’t like his 2 exes that he married and had kids with.
Apparently they were awful women. His mum is very black and white.
I know what he’s told me that the last wife was a Russian woman who apparently hit his children because his kids said and she tried to take the children away from him. The mother I recently found out is near homeless. His kids seem normal but damaged, I remember asking him why he had children with her and he had said “I just wanted more kids” but he didn’t love her , well he said it’s a different kind of love

It is a definite flaw and one that puts you in danger.

Throughout these 4 months , I was the one taking it slow and steady , very early on he wanted to know if we were boyfriend and girlfriend. I said it’s abit soon to put labels. I always gave space , I have my own life , it was abit intense to start with we liked each other a lot and wanted to be around each other and then as time went by it smoothed out. He always snapped abit if I made him feel under pressure. He would call me insecure , overreacting, drama , all that when I was just bringing up things to him that didn’t sit completely right with me.
he would also say in intimate moments that he’s scared I would leave him for someone else and I would reassure and in other intimate moments he would ask if I think about other men , I said no and he would say I want to satisfy you so much that you don’t think about anyone else:
I think I knew deep down something wasn’t right.

After four months you’ve broken up multiple times and he’s controlling. What was it that attracted you to him? What made you stay?

Because what you’ve written here is a string of red flags. He’s lovebombing you, he’s abusive, he’s controlling, he’s future-faking…

you’re bloody lucky he’s left you.

I’d have a good hard think about what you’re willing to put up with in a relationship before you go out with anyone else at all. Maybe the Freedom Programme would help you.

And yet here you are proclaiming how very much you love him after 16 weeks.

36?!?

op, you need serious help.

and I’m not trying to be unkind saying that, but the complete opposite.

to say you are ‘madly in love’ with someone who couldn’t have been any clearer about how awful he is, is a level of (lacking) awareness so high that you are extremely vulnerable.

seek help.

You do not love him OP - this is hormones talking. What's to love? He's obviously a dangerous, violent, abusive man and you must do some research on narcissistic and borderline personality disorders and domestic abuse. Have a look at Dr Ramani's channel on YouTube as a starting point.

I advise this because this man is very extreme, especially 4 months in and you think you love him and he loves you and don't seem to be able to see how dangerous his behaviour is. What if you found someone moderately or mildly abusive? There's no way you'd notice until it was too late. Please enlighten yourself and stay away from this awful human.

I did wait , waited to have sex , I even said it’s not a good idea to meet his children this early.
and I said I don’t think it’s a good idea that I met the family this early. He was annoyed that I was waiting 4 months until I allowed him to meet my side. He hasn’t met my family because I wanted to see what sort of man he was

How many children does he have, @Dolly550 ?
It would be such a shame for the poor little mites to not have a wonderful loving caring emotionally intelligent step-mother.
Can you sing and sew? Got any curtains you could make into matching outfits for them?

everything was perfect with us

It wasn't though was it. He sounds like a fucking nightmare.

We all know 36 year-old women who successfully run their own business and have an extensive property portfolio in London while raising children solo, who have so much “emotional maturity” they dive head-first into a relationship with a broke, older, twice-divorced, controlling, abusive tosser.

Next.

I don’t have children