Was I wrong in telling me husband I want a divorce just as he was leaving for work ?

[ThisCheekyWasp]

Hi all, doing this as an AMA because my head is spinning and I need some outside perspective.

This morning I told my husband I want a divorce. My intention is for us to focus on co-parenting our 3 kids and not to start a war. I’ll admit I handled the timing badly. I told him as he was leaving for work and didn’t really think about how that would land. It just dawned on me this morning to just say it part of me didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I thought he’d say okay and we’d be on the same page. He didn’t take it well, but then said he doesn’t want a divorce and that he loves me then went to work.

For a long time I’ve felt invisible in this marriage. He barely looks at me. I’ve changed my hair, gotten highlights, cut it shorter after years of it being long, nothing. We haven’t been physically close in over a year, I’ve tried to initiate sex, I’m still attracted to him but nothing, I’ve asked him what’s wrong he says he’s just not in the mood. Meanwhile he’s spending a lot of time in very expensive restaurants, hotels, which makes me suspect there’s someone else though I don’t have proof.

At the same time, I feel like I’m waking up. I joined a cycling club, I’m consistent with my fitness, doing well at work, and training to cycle LEJoG in September with university friends. For the first time in ages I feel like me again. I don’t want another relationship. I even took my ring off recently. Men have tried to flirt with me I’m not interested. I wanted my husband to notice me not strangers.

It hurts, a lot. But I’m turning 40 this August and I don’t want to drift through another decade feeling small and disconnected. We’ve been married 13 years and I don’t regret it, we built a family, but I feel like this chapter might be ending.

So here I am, confused that he says he loves me when his actions have felt distant for so long, unsure whether I’m rushing things, and trying to figure out what the right next step is for everyone involved.

I’m open to perspective, or stories from anyone who’s been somewhere similar.

typo in the title sorry.

I wouldn’t say refused he just never initiated I hinted that I wanted to have sex but you’re right it’s odd

You need to discuss it - saying it at that time was a bit strange. 🤷‍♀️

I know its not the point of the thread but I can't get over him spending 15k on someone he is "just seeing" as he put it. Has he ever spent the amount on you? Esp when his parents are paying the dcs school fees! They're going to feel right mugs if they find out. Plus he's become complacent in leaving the receipt out. He's basically stolen from his family on a gift for ow.

Im sorry to hear about your daughter. Just when you needed him the most, he chose to bail. That's unforgivable in itself. I hope you get the support you need. From your thread you sound very strong.

Maybe not a bad starting point for a conversation.

Why on earth did you have sex with him? You think he's cheating on you, he's spent a fortune on some other woman.

I feel like he's getting everything off of you, so disrespectful.

I hope I don't sound bad or patronising, but your post broke my heart a little....
Losing a child and no support for the only person who would understand your pain? This is heartbreaking, he wasn't there in the lowest point of your life so what is there left? Who cares about silly affairs when the worst has happened and you had to deal with it on your own?
You are now ready to leave and you want to be surrounded by people who loves you and not let you down, go for it.
And you are absolutely entitled to get any comfort where you can find it.
It's ok to still want to be friends and still love him, he is not bad or evil just very weak.
You are doing great, you know what is right for you, do not doubt yourself, heal 💐.

They are seperating, why do they need a conversation on sex.

Please stop. Accept she has her own money and accept her posts.

Hysterical Bonding is an intense, often temporary, surge in physical and emotional intimacy that occurs immediately following a trauma like infidelity. Driven by fear of abandonment, guilt, or a need for validation, this coping mechanism aims to "save" the relationship, though it often masks deeper issues.

Key Aspects of Hysterical Bonding

• Signs: Sudden, high-intensity sexual activity, extreme clinginess, emotional rollercoasters, and a desperate desire to please the partner.
• Purpose: It functions as a defense mechanism to soothe the trauma of betrayal and feel "normal" again.
• Risks: Although it can create a temporary sense of closeness, it does not fix the root causes of the betrayal and may lead to emotional exhaustion if one or both partners are acting out of fear rather than genuine desire.

It is considered a normal, albeit complex, reaction to relationship crises, often occurring when the betrayed partner tries to "reclaim" their spouse.

I think what he’s saying makes sense. It doesn’t excuse an affair but grief is so huge and the guilt he describes and not knowing how to support you all rings true.

I think you are right to recognize the good in him alongside all the ways he’s hurt you and it sounds like you both still want some connection. Of course be cautious but it is possible to navigate divorce and maintain some respect and kindness for each other. Maybe it’s possible even to come back from here, if that’s what you both want. As you’ve clearly already realized, you don’t have to hate him in order to move forward. That’s actually what comes across to me in your posts, not passiveness but humanity.

This, the posts just keep coming digging at her.

She needed to. She wanted the connection, and it worked.

And she doesn't need random people on the Internet judging her!

I don’t know , you love him , he loves you .. you have three kids .. I think it’s worth seeing if the marriage can be fixed. Maybe your divorce declaration was the spark he needed to deal with his grief. People are banging on about the affair but it’s clear that doesn’t bother you and you view it as a symptom rather than the cause of the marriage falling apart. I’m not sure there is anything harder than the death of a child .. most marriages don’t survive but honestly I think you have a shot of fixing this if you both are willing to try.

I completely agree. The OP comes across as quite wise. She is absolutely right to prioritise her boys and try to get through this as calmly as possible with mutual respect and kindness. It is possible to cherish the very many happy years they had together and either try to move forward as a couple or part with consideration.

I wasn't having a dig, honestly!
I can't see why it came across like that but I'm sorry if it did.

I can't imagine the grief you have both experienced at losing your child. I am so sorry for your loss.

Grief can make people behave so differently from 'normal' and I can completely see how you could be so intensely grieving your daughter that you haven't had the headspace left to tackle his infidelity head on. Likewise, while it's no excuse, I can also see how someone might turn outside their relationship for attention, comfort or distraction when they don't feel able to connect with their spouse or when it's just too painful to face someone you love who's in such pain.

I do think some kind of joint counselling might help you work through this together, not necessarily with a view to staying together, but to part amicably for the sake of your living children.

Many relationships come apart when something so devastating happens, staying connected throughout the absolute worst if times is incredibly hard.

I don't judge you for having sex with him, but do suggest that you make sure it doesn't happen again. (Many) people can have casual sex, comfort sex, goodbye sex, even anger release sex and be largely unaffected by it, but it's hard to do that with someone you're in love with, who has been your life partner and only sexual partner for most of your adult life. You need a clear head and objectivity as you decide your future and advocate for yourself (and your children if necessary). Closeness/sex with him now can interfere with that both physiologically and emotionally. I'd get the physical separation in place ASAP; he can leave today, if he hasn't already. Avoid ANYTHING sexual or romantic with him, even if that means you avoid being alone with him.

Couples counselling may be a good idea even if you're resolved to separate given that you'll need to co-parent, but get a separate counsellor. DON'T let him come to your sessions or see your therapist (probably not permitted anyway) - that's your space and you're going to need it. It would be a great idea for him to see a counselor one on one as well, in addition to couples' therapy. If he has been and is avoiding dealing with his grief about your daughter, then he's also not able to support the other children in dealing with their grief, which puts an extra burden on you. But only he can decide to get help and make it happen.

Protect yourself. If you're resolved to end this relationship, don't be dissuaded by his pleas and his current behaviour because you don't know that any of it is genuine. You've said he lies, and has selectively withheld things you needed to know for years, and not just about the affair. The impact of your expressing your grief on his work is probably true, but why did he never tell you any of this until a crisis came in the form of your asking for a divorce? Of course he wouldn't have told you while drunk, but - the next day, to ask if you were OK, how to support you, if you needed outside support? Even his colleague asked! And the necklace - he has said it wasn't for his affair partner, but if that's true then why not tell you the whole story? And the stuff about it not being a phyiscal affair when you know he's been routinely paying for hotel rooms? He's still being completely evasive. If he can't be honest, no counselling is going to help.

I could be totally wrong, but I get the impression that he doesn't want a relationship with you, he just wants a marriage. You said you were hurt that he didn't know you well enough to tell you about the affair so you could figure things out together, but your reaction isn't the only factor in HIS head. Very likely, HE does not want to think of himself as someone who cheated on his grieving wife after his daughter died. He doesn't want ANYONE - you, the children, his family, your family, friends, colleagues, his affair partner, the solicitor, the hypothetical couples counsellor - to think of him this way. He may actually have convinced himself that this isn't what happened. You've said that you resisted the idea of divorce for a long time because you didn't want the stigma of a failed marriage or to deal with how it might impact your children and relationships with extended family, friends, community - your whole world. He probably has similar fears, consciously or not.

Finally, you've said a few times that you hope he won't abandon his children but anything can happen. I'd try to mentally separate his relationship with you from his relationship with the children; if he's a great dad he should be no less great because you're separated or divorced. The children aren't an extension of you or the marriage; they are just as much his and while the logistics are always challenging he has just as much parenting responsibility (and right) as you do. Of course, the world (and this forum) is full of stories of deadbeat dads and society is a lot easier on men who abandon or neglect or "EOW" their children than we are on women who do, so of course you are right to prioritise protecting them! But if he's a decent guy despite what he's put you through recently, he will want to do the same.

@ThisCheekyWasp

I don't know why you're being criticized over having sex with him. So what and who cares. You wanted sex and he was there. Fine. Although I'd suggest that now that things have progressed to a separation (pending) that you not have sex with him going forward. It just tends to muddle things up. Time to treat him like a 'friend' and hope it can stay that way throughout the legal proceedings.

Same with the necklace. So, you sort of shrugged your shoulders at it. So what? You are half-way out of the marriage and 9/10ths of the way out of love with him. Other than the money (which didn't directly affect you as it came from 'his money') I would rather expect a feeling of confirmation "Well, yep, looks like he is having an affair" rather than histrionics and betrayal. All the better, as it lets you move forward with emotions mostly in check.

Because it sounds as if you're dealing with 'significant finances' I'd suggest that solicitors get involved in the negotiations rather than the two of you making an agreement between yourselves. Even if all they do is look at the whole picture and advise you on what you're entitled to vs what you think you'd like, you're going to want their final input before you sign anything. And take your time. What you feel now may not be what you feel weeks or months down the line.

From your posts, I can't tell if you're truly resigned to ending a 'dead' marriage or if you're just numb. Please don't be afraid to feel emotions that may come later, nor to seek help in sorting the wheat from the chaff if/when they do.

Not everyone who has an affair is an absolute evil arsehole. Sometimes people who are normally decent have affairs because they are weak and stupid, and struggling. I hope for your sake he’s the latter and that he doesn’t try to screw you over 🤞🫂

Your posts are terribly sad and you seem to be more than understanding of your husbands behaviour. Far more understanding than most women, me included.
Please be aware he may be playing you until he gets his ‘battle plan’ in order - I hope I’m wrong but he may turn into a man you don’t recognise and play very dirty in a divorce.

This is one the saddest threads I've ever read.
I'm sorry for all of it, op.

Can't believe you're getting stick for sleeping with him, hardly anyone's business!

You sound like you have your head screwed on, make sure you do get evidence of all financial documents etc because as you say - he's being reasonable and generous now, he might turn later on.

I hope you've got lots of support

I really don’t believe anyone would spend £15k on a piece of jewellery for someone they were just ‘seeing’, even if she is a wealthy surgeon used to the finer things in life. £15k is a huge amount of money for most people and surely he wouldn’t spend that amount unless they had a very strong emotional connection with each other? I think he’s still lying to you @ThisCheekyWasp

You’re really nasty to do it in that moment. It couldn’t have waited 8hours? Like, what the fuck?

I think it's fair enough, with this behaviour it's not like you really owe him anything!

You might be right but I’ve lost my daughter my baby, she wasn’t ill, there were so signs of any illness a few hours before she died she was smiling just being a happy little baby I just went to check on her and found her dead. It wasn’t anyone’s fault sudden infant death syndrome I blamed myself. My husband was at work and I had to call him to come back & to find an ambulance here and explain to him that our baby was sleeping and I went to check on her but she’s dead. That was tough, he cried when he got here, I was a mess our kids had to stay at his parents then my parents. I hardly spoke I was just there existing I was sad really sad. I wanted to harm myself I had never felt that type of sadness before but I had kids who need me here but If this had been our first child I wouldn’t be here.

Probably why I’m so understanding he was doing a lot of parenting. My eldest son during this asked my husband “what’s wrong with mum” that’s mainly what motivated me to seek help, at the start my husband who said I should have counselling, he sorted out all the counselling for me. He just didn’t want to join, he didn’t want all his emotions to come out I don’t know either way he was scared.

I am hurt, I’m upset, I’m angry and if we do make the divorce officially I’m not fussed about his money, people have messaged me saying I should “take him to the cleaners” I just don’t care that much. As much as I’m hurt and upset, this is still someone I’ve grown with and have good memories with 15/16 years have been great the last year not so much. I don’t gain anything by being all hysterical, I just want our children to have access to everything they’ve had in their lives and I hope we are on the same page when it comes to the kids. I have my own money, I have a job, I’m well educated (might not seem it with the amount of typos I make) I have amazing friends, supportive family my parents my 4 brothers & sister so supportive, his parents, his brothers and sister , my work colleagues.

All in all I don’t think my husband is this evil monster. I think he’s very very weak and silly certainly not a monster as of yet anyway. He cried the day our daughter passed and apologised for crying I think in his whole life that was probably he first time he really cried and felt sadness and he didn’t know what to do with it or he’s just fucking evil time will tell.