Was I wrong in telling me husband I want a divorce just as he was leaving for work ?

[ThisCheekyWasp]

Hi all, doing this as an AMA because my head is spinning and I need some outside perspective.

This morning I told my husband I want a divorce. My intention is for us to focus on co-parenting our 3 kids and not to start a war. I’ll admit I handled the timing badly. I told him as he was leaving for work and didn’t really think about how that would land. It just dawned on me this morning to just say it part of me didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I thought he’d say okay and we’d be on the same page. He didn’t take it well, but then said he doesn’t want a divorce and that he loves me then went to work.

For a long time I’ve felt invisible in this marriage. He barely looks at me. I’ve changed my hair, gotten highlights, cut it shorter after years of it being long, nothing. We haven’t been physically close in over a year, I’ve tried to initiate sex, I’m still attracted to him but nothing, I’ve asked him what’s wrong he says he’s just not in the mood. Meanwhile he’s spending a lot of time in very expensive restaurants, hotels, which makes me suspect there’s someone else though I don’t have proof.

At the same time, I feel like I’m waking up. I joined a cycling club, I’m consistent with my fitness, doing well at work, and training to cycle LEJoG in September with university friends. For the first time in ages I feel like me again. I don’t want another relationship. I even took my ring off recently. Men have tried to flirt with me I’m not interested. I wanted my husband to notice me not strangers.

It hurts, a lot. But I’m turning 40 this August and I don’t want to drift through another decade feeling small and disconnected. We’ve been married 13 years and I don’t regret it, we built a family, but I feel like this chapter might be ending.

So here I am, confused that he says he loves me when his actions have felt distant for so long, unsure whether I’m rushing things, and trying to figure out what the right next step is for everyone involved.

I’m open to perspective, or stories from anyone who’s been somewhere similar.

typo in the title sorry.

I don’t think he’s evil I think he is weak and stupid. He thought he was weak for crying the day our daughter passed, enough to apologise, his parents and siblings and my parents and siblings came to see us that evening he kept apologising for crying and kept saying he can’t help it. I wish he just felt his emotions maybe the last year would have been different.

I understand. You've experienced emotions and grief that I cannot even fathom. And I'm so sorry for that.

But, you still need to think practically. You have children and you want them to have 'access to everything they've had' and I get that. But the best way to be sure of that is to claim whatever is your fair share so you can pick up any slack that may occur. Not 'take him to the cleaners', just what you're entitled to and no less.

You don't know and can't predict his future. What if he loses his job, makes bad investments, or decides to simply 'go wild' in his new bachelor life? What if he turns into a double dyed shit and doesn't pay for the things they're used to (for for half of it). Stranger things have happened. Consider also, what if he marries again or has other children? Will your DC have 'access to everything' if he starts supporting a second family or writes a will that leaves everything to a new spouse? I know, it may never happen. But it HAS happened to many people whose exSpouses have gone on to 'new lives'. He already apparently or possibly has someone 'waiting in the wings'.

No, the best way to avoid these things is to have your fair share already in your name for the DC. This is why you really need to consult with a solicitor. They can advise you and perhaps stop you from making decisions based on (understandable) emotions rather than practicality.

I haven't read every single post but I wanted to jump on and say that I'm sorry you have been suffering so. Your family has been through a terrible shock and loss. I have read that many couples don't survive after something like your daughters death. It must be terrible missing your daughter and mourning your marriage. I understand being apathetic about the other woman, I can imagine it is all you can do to get through the day. Hugs.

Im so sorry for what you went through. It sounds absolutely heartbreaking. I think you are still reeling from it and its awful for you that you are now in the position of having to make decisions like this.

AcrossthePond has some good advice above.

I think you should see a solicitor and let them deal with most of it for you. I don't think its a case of taking him to the cleaners but of ensuring your children are provided for.

Im glad to read that you have good relations with your inlaws and your family and friends. I hope they are taking care of you. Grab all the help you can get so that you can get through this situation any way you can and come out the other end.

Oh do shut up

@ThisCheekyWasp
We haven’t been physically close in over a year, I’ve tried to initiate sex, I’m still attracted to him but nothing, I’ve asked him what’s wrong he says he’s just not in the mood. Meanwhile he’s spending a lot of time in very expensive restaurants, hotels, which makes me suspect there’s someone else though I don’t have proof.

If he's nearly 40, then his sex drive will naturally be a lot lower. Men's sex drive drops a lot after 30. A 40 year old man is completely different from a 20 year old.

This is all such a sad story. It sounds to me like your husband doesn’t really know how to cope with big feelings, possibly brought up being told boys don’t cry and stiff upper lip and all that which I can see can make people quite messed up. when you say things like he doesn’t want to cry it makes me feel sad for him, that is part of the healing process, it’s a release it’s normal, it makes him sound emotionally stunted to not being prepared to cry. But ultimately if he can’t process his own emotions he won’t be able to help you with yours.

I hope everything works out for you and your children as well as it can - you’ve done enough suffering to last a lifetime.

Stop trying to turn the husband into a black-hearted villain. It doesn't help. These parents have been through unimaginable grief. Not everyone is their best self in the aftermath of that. Many couples don't survive it. He made a stupid selfish mistake but that doesn't make him a monster.

The OP sounds very capable of protecting herself and her children.

My advice is to stop considering what he wants or what he says, pretty much.

The marriage is dead and you are fully aware of that. Do what you want to do. Get advice and get that ball rolling. There is no benefit in stringing this out now. He's known how you've felt for years with no change from him. He's just got used to you washing his pants when someone else drags them off him.

Head up, tits out and do the thing!

Not turning him into anything - I said please be AWARE he MAY…. this is sensible advice given how none of us know who he is or what he could be capable of.
Too many women say ‘he became a different person/not the man I married’. OP needs to be aware that’s all…. I also said I hope I’m wrong and I hope I am.

I'm so sorry about your little girl OP. You were so brave to keep going for your sons.

You’ve been through absolute hell and been so brave to find help and outlets for your grief and kept going for your boys, AND kept trying to connect with your husband even when he had shut himself off from you.

I can’t imagine the pain and I’m really genuinely sorry if my posts came across as judgy or like I was coming at you in any way. I was more just angry on your behalf because to me, him using that pain against you to justify his affair was the most manipulative and cruel thing imaginable. And finding your anger about that, to me, seemed a safer, healthier route than potentially internalising that and believing him that you’re somehow to blame.

I really hope you get what you hope for - a peaceful, amicable separation where he shows himself to be honourable and does not get nasty or underhand. I, and other posters on here, have unfortunately seen many many examples of this not being the case - no matter what was promised initially, and I do think it’s right for you to be wary and cautious that your husband might not be the man you hope he still is. Protect yourself and your kids as best you can, but I really hope for all of you that it’s not necessary.

That you’re still able to be kind to him and to want an amicable and fair outcome in the face of his betrayal really does speak of a decency and strength of character I’m not sure I’d be capable of in similar circumstances, I hope you give yourself credit for that.

OP this sounds so sad, youve both been through the most traumatic experience and have coped in very different way. I admire your reasoned pragmatic children focussed approach, it does sound like maybe something is still there and rhat some joint counselling could help you either rediscover that or amicably separate

I think you both sound incredibly sad and are obviously still grieving the loss of your daughter. I think you could save your marriage with some outside help/counselling. Grief can do crazy things to people. Really wishing you both the best xx

No easy time to break the news.

You were not unreasonable.
youve both been through so much and losing a child changes you. Nothing seems to matter as much as it did. Apart from your other children. That’s what I found anyway. Sounds like your husband hasn’t dealt with his emotions, it’s so hard.
sending love and sorry for your loss of your lovely daughter.

You have to remember they hate men on here and they’ll be livid that you’re not going to post 1000 page threads about how bitter and angry you are and sharing every tiny detail about how you are taking every penny he has. They pretend to care and will start messaging you to try and egg you on to resort to playing dirty with the divorce just so they can lap up all the drama, but I can see you’re smart enough not to be goaded into playing their games . Best of luck to you. I think you both concentrating on being the best co parents you can be is the most positive thing xx

OP, I would be incandescent with rage - you seem very passive, relaxed & "cool" with your husband's behaviour - he can have the house, just want half the cost of the necklace he gave to the OW, sex worker, or brief fling??? Your relaxed attitude is, for me, beyond comprehension. Please start fighting for your children's future. I wish you all the best.

It’s not for me it just tells me the marriage is over and has been for some time, for both of them,

I just wanted to say that I think you are an incredible mother.

To keep going after such a devastating loss, to seek help, to decide to leave your husband and to do it with such dignity, is astounding. I have read your posts and it sounds like it comes from a place of fierce love for your children.

I think some people of misunderstood your posts and thought you are passive. I don't think so at all - it's stoicism.

OP, I’m so sorry you found your baby daughter dead. One of the most horrific things that could happen to a mother. 💐

You sound like you’ve done so well dealing with it and starting to feel more yourself again. That’s huge. 💐

Your DH clearly needs therapy about your daughter’s death. He sounds v emotionally repressed and believes he shouldn’t be seen to let his emotion out. Even though ironically he has let it out in the most unhealthy and damaging way possible: by having a relationship and sex with another women, when he should have sought comfort from, and been there, for you.

IMHO, the way he’s behaved is unbelievably disrespectful, selfish and cruel. To reject you in such a way, when you were traumatised, grieving and wracked with guilt, so needed understanding, love and physical comfort. IMHO he’s not been a good father because he’s disrespected his children’s grieving mother and it’s led to the end of your marriage and his sons’ life as a family, so soon after the loss of their sister. More loss for them.

And, to cap it all, he’s then had sex with you after you’ve said you want a divorce and he’s admitted an affair. Then justified the affair on the basis you were understandably grieving and struggling to cope. Yet you were putting the scary and painful work in, via therapy etc. While he was too afraid and did far worse than get pissed at a work do. What a dreadful man. He should be utterly ashamed. His family must surely be appalled.

I strongly suggest you get him legally nailed down asap on his promise to put the house into your name. So your kids don’t lose their home or you from it. Not to mention other finances. As others have suggested, a woman who accepts a £15k necklace from a married father of three who’s recently lost his infant daughter, and should be supporting his devastated wife, is a special kind of nasty. What was she thinking?

In any case, I wouldn’t trust either of them to do the right thing by you and your kids. They certainly haven’t so far. Why do you think they’d change?

Where have I not fought for my children’s future ? A shame you think I don’t care about my children.

I want my children to continue having they life they have and they’re my main priority I love them. I can’t convey every thought I’m having on here there’s a lot more nuance to most things and that’s the case with my situation. It doesn’t mean I’m not upset or sad or angry.

I’m quite shocked at some of the responses and even messages. I don’t gain anything by being bitter, it sucks that my husband couldn’t just get through our daughters death with me, when I needed him the most he was scared. He isn’t an evil person,I just think he’s weak, silly and stupid what we had was good the last 16 or so years have been amazing! One year and everything just crumbled I saw how broken he was when we lost our baby, he knew I needed help and sorted out the counselling for me, he didn’t want to join me or start one for us but he made sure I got the help I needed.

Im hurt and sad our relationship would have been different if our daughter was still here he loved her so much it was tough because it was sudden.

I don’t want drama or games if we do divorce I want the best for our children and him too he’s still the father of my children. I don’t have much hatred in me I have anger and sadness but hate is a very strong word. I wouldn’t want him to suffer that’s not what I want at all. I guess that’s odd. Part of me would like to try counselling together to see what is what if there’s any hope or not but if not I wish him the very best I want him to be happy. What do I gain from the father of my children being unhappy it doesn’t benefit me nor does it benefit our children and I love my boys so much I would do anything for them.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. It's incredibly common for couples to split in the years after a child dies, I'm sure you know. It does seem like your husband just couldn't find his way through the grief and that's what's torn you apart.

It sounds like even if your marriage ends, you both want to continue to be good parents. Counselling sounds like a good idea to navigate this calmly and with the kids' best interests in mind. Good luck, OP.