Was I wrong in telling me husband I want a divorce just as he was leaving for work ?

[ThisCheekyWasp]

Hi all, doing this as an AMA because my head is spinning and I need some outside perspective.

This morning I told my husband I want a divorce. My intention is for us to focus on co-parenting our 3 kids and not to start a war. I’ll admit I handled the timing badly. I told him as he was leaving for work and didn’t really think about how that would land. It just dawned on me this morning to just say it part of me didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I thought he’d say okay and we’d be on the same page. He didn’t take it well, but then said he doesn’t want a divorce and that he loves me then went to work.

For a long time I’ve felt invisible in this marriage. He barely looks at me. I’ve changed my hair, gotten highlights, cut it shorter after years of it being long, nothing. We haven’t been physically close in over a year, I’ve tried to initiate sex, I’m still attracted to him but nothing, I’ve asked him what’s wrong he says he’s just not in the mood. Meanwhile he’s spending a lot of time in very expensive restaurants, hotels, which makes me suspect there’s someone else though I don’t have proof.

At the same time, I feel like I’m waking up. I joined a cycling club, I’m consistent with my fitness, doing well at work, and training to cycle LEJoG in September with university friends. For the first time in ages I feel like me again. I don’t want another relationship. I even took my ring off recently. Men have tried to flirt with me I’m not interested. I wanted my husband to notice me not strangers.

It hurts, a lot. But I’m turning 40 this August and I don’t want to drift through another decade feeling small and disconnected. We’ve been married 13 years and I don’t regret it, we built a family, but I feel like this chapter might be ending.

So here I am, confused that he says he loves me when his actions have felt distant for so long, unsure whether I’m rushing things, and trying to figure out what the right next step is for everyone involved.

I’m open to perspective, or stories from anyone who’s been somewhere similar.

typo in the title sorry.

@ThisCheekyWasp why on earth do people look at you if insane when talk about your precious dd

my dh died when we were both 37. Almost 15yrs ago now but I still talk about him.

sometimes not for months but anniversaries - birthdays or something reminds me of him etc

Funny happy precious forever memories. Sometimes sad ones but
if anyone told me I couldn’t talk about it they wouldn’t be in my life

My heart is breaking for you OP. I hope you get the outcome that suits your needs best and that you and your family can be at peace and happy in the not too distance future. Wishing you love and blessings from afar.

Read the full thread, or at least the OP's comments. You're making yourself look a right prick.

Either you haven't read all OPs posts, in which case you're an idiot for commenting anything at all.
Or you have read them, which makes you an idiot for saying what you said.

Idiot.

We’ve spoken some more. He wants to try to work it out if we can. He says he still loves me and is willing to put in the work. I told him I’m hurt and upset. I asked him what else he’s bought her and he insists it was only the necklace. They’ve gone out to restaurants and stayed in hotels here and there, but he says she paid too.

He has shown me their last correspondence, where he says he wants to work things out with me and see if that’s possible. He said he still loves me a lot and that he’s foolish. He says he doesn’t blame her or me, just himself, and he thanked her for the company. He says they’ve only slept together a handful of times and that this went on for five or so months, not a year. The rest of the time, he says he buried himself in work.

He went to his first counselling session today. I went with him but didn’t stay, I just dropped him off as he was quite nervous. I think there’s a lot more that will come out, his childhood and his boarding school experience, so hopefully he is honest with himself and wants to do better. I’ve told him I still love him. I’m sad and angry, but at the end of the day he’s the father of my children. We are tied for life, or at least until they’re 18, and that’s a long time. Maybe counselling will help us separate or come back together. I’m open to both ideas. We have a session together next week, so maybe we will have more options and clarity after that.

I’ve had tons of messages from women saying he should suffer and that I’m passive. I’m not the best at conveying what I mean. I’m dyslexic, and I think that plays a part in how I express my emotions over text, where you can’t see my facial expressions. I expect judgement, that comes with posting your business online. I just wanted some perspective as well. I don’t think my husband should be painted as a monster or evil. I think he’s very weak. Marriages go through tough times and he crumbled at the first one. I also think we’ve been privileged to have had a lovely marriage and relationship with lots of very good memories.

I’m not silly. I have a full-time job and my own savings. We have joint savings which require both of us to move money around. I highly doubt he’s some mastermind moving money around in an account that requires both of us to consent. Maybe he is, but as of now the account is controlled by both of us.

The house, I paid 50% of the deposit and he paid the other 50%. It’s in both of our names. I’m not a lawyer, but I can guess it would be very hard for him to just claim it without a lot of solicitors’ fees, especially as we’ve paid 50/50 on everything, including the mortgage. If we’re undecided on what to do with the house, the courts may help us. We would likely have to sell it and split it pretty much 50/50.

His work pension has me and the kids nominated to receive a percentage of it anyway, even if we separate. I’m not going to be destitute. I have my own money too. I don’t feel entitled to everything of his. There are things that are solely his, he has a cycling business that is solely his I never helped with anything he did it on his own with his friends from university, it’s just a “side hustle” I’m not entitled to that I would never want to be it’s his hard work, the kids can be entitled to it. He has worked hard with his mates so why would I want to take those things away from him and have him “suffer” as people say? There are also things we’ve worked on together. I’m not silly, those things are in my name too as joint owner.

I just hope he doesn’t abandon the kids to spite me. His family is very supportive of me and the children. His parents have given all their grandchildren money, and my three boys have 34k each set aside for their 18th birthday. I really don’t think they would start taking that back now, but I could be wrong. My husband’s grandparents also left money for my children. People seem convinced that my husband has some cunning plan to take everything away from his children. That hurts. I hope the one thing we remain united on is our children.

I agree,
Having read your updates I think you are both still suffering, and handling it in different ways.
Its good that you are both keeping your children as a top priority. They are probably reeling too.
Could counselling for all of you help?

It's so complicated. So much landing on your plate to think about, decide on at a time when it's still hard to just get through the day.

Perhaps this is something where you have help to take steps to protect yourself and your children as a back up for the future, but don't rush into major irreversible decisions.

However, it is further complicated by the fact DH's necklace etc.. By the fact that he bottles up all his emotions so you don't really know what his thinking on this is.
There is so much to unravel... maybe the way to look at this is ... would you have stayed together if you weren't all dealing which such sudden deep grief. and what in practical terms would help you and your DC get through the next year whilst you all give yourselves time to process what's happened to all of you.
Wishing you all the best.

sorry. your post arrived whilst I was still writing mine.

It sounds like you had a productive conversation and that you have made some good inroads into sorting out what to do next.

I just wanted to say that I think you are doing the very best that you can to work your way through this and are generous enough to keep animosity at bay whilst you do so. You sound like a kind and considerate person who wants the best for her family, whatever happens. From your posts, I think you are doing a good job. I hope that doesn't sound patronising, but I feel its something people need to hear when they are struggling through difficult times.

I don’t think you’re passive at all. I think your lived experiences have shown you that money isn’t everything and I think you’ve come across as strong and capable in all you’ve said on here.

We’re all capable of mistakes and whilst your husband has clearly been foolish in his, if you believe him to be a good man and capable of putting the work in then it’s only you who needs to be convinced, not a bunch of strangers on the internet who may have been burned by people in their past.

If my husband and I were to split, the money would be irrelevant to me too. I’d be far more devastated at the loss of my marriage.

I’ve lost babies in the past too (thankfully not in the devastating way you have) and my husband didn’t handle that well - we’re just different people, trying to get through life the best we know how. He’s not cheated but he could’ve been better. He’s improved over the years though and we are closer than ever.

At least you’re finally speaking candidly with one and other and I sincerely hope you manage to make it work and go on to be happy again.

@ThisCheekyWasp you come across as a very strong and compassionate person and a loving and caring mother and wife.

I hope your husband’s first therapy session goes well for him and is helpful to you as a couple. I imagine it will bring up a lot of big emotions for him and you too. I hope he is strong enough to continue with it. Further down the line, EMDR therapy might be beneficial to him from a processing point of view. I had a breakdown a year after suffering a loss (not a child so I can’t imagine how you feel), I had intensive counselling privately but then EMDR therapy through the NHS which for me was a game changer. I was very skeptical to start with, but it helped me immensely. It’s worth looking into once he’s on his healing journey.

It’s good you were able to see he was telling the truth about ending things with the OW and that he told her he still loved you a lot. It’s a good sign that he’d come to that decision himself already and hadn’t waited for you to call him out on the affair.

I wish you all the best for the future, in time I’m sure you will come to a decision which works best for you and your family, whether that be to work on the marriage or separate amicably.

There is no good time to tell someone you want a divorce.
You have decided you want one, now make it happen. He doesn't get a choice.

OP I've been reading your posts and I think you have behaved with immense dignity in a very difficult situation.

I could never begin to forgive my husband if he had behaved the way yours has, but I totally understand that you are doing what you think is the best for your boys. Please try not to lose sight of your own needs too though. If your husband's actions going forward don't seriously improve and involve him actually meeting your needs from a husband, then please reconsider separating as he has treated you very badly and shown an almost casual disregard for your feelings. I know you have said that money isn't important to you but the huge amount he has spent on his mistress has understandably left most of us reading this totally open mouthed.

Grief can do terrible things to a relationship. I lost my oldest daughter, unexpectedly at 9 months old. My relationship with my then husband, which had been ropey anyway, never recovered and although it limped on for a couple more years, we eventually separated. The pain over losing your daughter must still be very raw. I lost my baby 35 years ago and still think of her often. It does get a little more manageable over time. I found support from a group for bereaved parents. Without them I would not be here today as I had been actively planning my suicide.

However things play out for you, I wish you and your boys the very best. I hope one day you are able to feel happier again x

I feel for you, I have not been in your situation of losing a child but I have had problems that have totally taken over my life and because of this I realy did not care what my husband was getting up to as long as he did not bother me. On the surface everything was the same but underneath I knew, but prioritised other things. I then found out he was having an affair and it killed me more than anything, I never knew I could feel such pain , we had been together 30 years , all I will say to you is do not listen to other people , no one has to live your life, everybody's situations are different , not everybody can walk away from the life they expected to live in the future so easily. Take your time , listen to your gut and after time you will know what you want do

it’s not physical really

This is what he told you, what, yesterday? And now he's saying the slept together just a few times.

I'm not one of those who have criticised you for not wanting to punish him, but I do think you need a pinch of cynicism in your pocket.

This type of revelation is pretty standard, I've been on the receiving end of it and seen it play out elsewhere. Be prepared for the fact he hasn't been entirely truthful for you about this affair, and while you might not care about that it can impact both you and the children negatively if he takes the same approach with finances and divorce arrangements.

So no I don't agree you should seek to take him to the cleaners, but I do think you need to get your financial ducks in a row so you can ensure any divorce settlement is fair.

Just be prepared, that's all.

Maybe counselling will help us separate or come back together. I’m open to both ideas.

You really are a most extraordinary person. What others have mistaken for passivity is really incredible stoicism and resilience.

@moderate I agree, she's extraordinary

By the sound of it both the OP and her husband come from comfortable backgrounds, she’s mentioned that if her husband’s parents decided (unlikely if they are good grandparents) to stop paying the boys school fees that her parents are happy to step in and pay. I imagine she can afford access to good legal advice and for her, finances really aren’t the biggest worry in this situation.

OP, this is one of the saddest threads I've followed. You had a wonderful long relationship and then catastrophe. You dealt with the catastrophe in very different ways and your marriage, understandably, has imploded.

You've known for a long time, in your heart, that he's been having an affair. You've continued to hope that he'll reconnect with you emotionally. He's now suggesting that's what he wants too.

Don't be swayed by the 'LTB, make him pay' brigade on here. I believe there's a way back for you as a couple, if it's what you both want and you are both prepared to put in the work (grief/marriage counsellor or whatever). Only you can decide if it's worth the fight.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

It sounds like things are slowly turning in the right direction. Best of luck 🍀 🤞

i understand where you’re coming from but also I am not worried about the finances and that is a privileged position to be in I know. I can survive without him. I do not depend on his money to live. I do not believe he can legally take things from me for instance the house It is in both of our names and we both own it. I am not a lawyer, but my father was first a barrister and then a family solicitor. He understands the law in almost every aspect, and he made sure I was protected before. Whenever I have made financial decisions, I have asked for his guidance. He has always supported and advised me. I would like to believe my father wants the best for me, although some of the messages I have received about men now would probably say my father is scheming behind my back. The hatred of men on here seems very extreme. I am angry at my husband I am upset, I am sad but I do not hate men as a whole, I have brothers, I have a father who was a great example, I have sons who I hope I’ll raise well and will be good men, what do I gain from hating men when my own children will one day be men I don’t want to give up on my boys just because their father is weak.

I know my husband may not be completely honest right now, so I am choosing to take things one day at a time. Actions speak louder than words. Financially, I am stable. I do not need to make him suffer, because that would not benefit me or our children in any way. While I am not a legal expert everyone seems to think he wants to abandon his children. I hope he would never do that but what do I know. At least there are legal protections in place, and I do not think he can just take away their inheritance from their grandparents or the gifts that have been given to me already to give to them for their eighteenth birthdays. Perhaps I am being naive, but I believe his family loves our children. As far as I know, he loves his children. Still, I understand that people can change. I am not stupid.

I do not want his money for myself or to take “revenge” as some have said I don’t understand how me wanting revenge would be the best outcome for me or my children. What I valued most was the love we shared.

You're so clear headed
Shame the rest of the world can't be a bit more like you

This lack of financial dependency also means she can be benevolent to her H. It's a very different story for women whose financial safety - and that of their children - is exploded by their H's cheating. Women in such situations are riven with terror as well as devastated emotionally.

Oh op , I really feel for you, some seriously harsh comments on here. You sound sad and lost from your posts , not uncaring or cold! Your grieving your baby and the life you had before she passed away. Your dh is grieving but very differently to you. I hope you both get a second shot, you can always say you tried . Sending you all the love in the world

Yes. I’ve read the post.

he’s cheated and been genuinely a crappy husband. But being a complete dick and breaking the news as he leaves the house is horrible. OP is still much more in the right than her now-ex, but it makes her horrible for dropping that bomb on him as he leaves.

divorce is something you think about. Surely she should have continued to bite her tongue and he came home from work so they could calmly discuss like adults?

also. Two sides to every story. The narrative will be skewed bc it’s only one party telling it regardless of how truthful they think they are.