Was I wrong in telling me husband I want a divorce just as he was leaving for work ?

[ThisCheekyWasp]

Hi all, doing this as an AMA because my head is spinning and I need some outside perspective.

This morning I told my husband I want a divorce. My intention is for us to focus on co-parenting our 3 kids and not to start a war. I’ll admit I handled the timing badly. I told him as he was leaving for work and didn’t really think about how that would land. It just dawned on me this morning to just say it part of me didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I thought he’d say okay and we’d be on the same page. He didn’t take it well, but then said he doesn’t want a divorce and that he loves me then went to work.

For a long time I’ve felt invisible in this marriage. He barely looks at me. I’ve changed my hair, gotten highlights, cut it shorter after years of it being long, nothing. We haven’t been physically close in over a year, I’ve tried to initiate sex, I’m still attracted to him but nothing, I’ve asked him what’s wrong he says he’s just not in the mood. Meanwhile he’s spending a lot of time in very expensive restaurants, hotels, which makes me suspect there’s someone else though I don’t have proof.

At the same time, I feel like I’m waking up. I joined a cycling club, I’m consistent with my fitness, doing well at work, and training to cycle LEJoG in September with university friends. For the first time in ages I feel like me again. I don’t want another relationship. I even took my ring off recently. Men have tried to flirt with me I’m not interested. I wanted my husband to notice me not strangers.

It hurts, a lot. But I’m turning 40 this August and I don’t want to drift through another decade feeling small and disconnected. We’ve been married 13 years and I don’t regret it, we built a family, but I feel like this chapter might be ending.

So here I am, confused that he says he loves me when his actions have felt distant for so long, unsure whether I’m rushing things, and trying to figure out what the right next step is for everyone involved.

I’m open to perspective, or stories from anyone who’s been somewhere similar.

typo in the title sorry.

Thank you.

It sucks. I will say though I don’t blame the woman at all. I do not think she knows about our daughter passing away I’d be very surprised if she did as my husband won’t even say her name or talk about her without almost tearing up and getting upset at anyone for bringing her up I’d be very surprised that he can tell her. I think that would hurt a lot more than the affair for me. I think if my daughter everyday, her little face, the fact that I’ll never really know what she looks like because she was so little she was just a baby it really hurts I thought I’d be able to watch her became whoever she was supposed to be. I feel for my boys, they were smitten by their baby sister.

She knows he’s married he said we are having a very tough time.

I don’t have the energy to be bitter I don’t gain anything from it losing a child has helped me put things in life into perspective things happen in life it’s shit you have to rise above it and push through. I’ve had messages saying take his every penny and make him suffer …. Why would I want the father of my children to suffer? That’s is stretch as much as I’m upset and hurt my children are the ones who suffer based on how their parents act. The children will not lose their home, we bought this house together 50/50 deposit and it is in both our names

@ThisCheekyWasp you’ve both been through something hopefully most parents will never have to experience, it’s heartbreaking for you and your family.

I imagine you are still in shock. I really wouldn’t make any drastic decisions, like divorce yet. There is really no rush. Take some time, keep the lines of communication open and talk to your husband. He needs to be completely honest with you and he also needs to address the fact that he’s not coping with his grief. He needs to make changes. There still seems to be love there and maybe, just maybe if he works on himself and on the relationship, in time with counselling you may be able to come back together as a couple.

Thank you so much i appreciate it.

I think some people on here think I’m okay with everything that has happened who would be ?! I find it very hard to convey what I mean over text, I’m dyslexic but I am upset maybe Im bad at showing it but I also want my children to be happy. There’s people who have messages saying if they were me they’d want him to “suffer” we have children it doesn’t benefit me if my husband “suffers” it certainly doesn’t benefit the kids.

OP I just wanted to say I don’t think you sound passive or any of the things some previous posters have said. You sound bone tired and broken, and honestly who could blame you with everything you’ve endured while your husband has emotionally checked out and seemingly shut down his own emotions and essentially left you to fend for yourself.
You are undoubtedly a strong and remarkably resilient woman, and one who it seems to me is finally realising she can, and probably will, be happier out of this marriage. I wish you nothing but the best

This!

Op sounds numb if anything.

Eventually she'll find her fire but right now it's okay to feel like crap.

Op you're doing great. Keep being amazing.

Dear Cheeky

I am so very sorry for your loss.

I think you're right, your daughter's death is the core root of the severing of the connection in your marriage.

Your husband has been an idiot but someone who cannot cope with deep grief pushes it away and sometimes pushes everyone away who reminds them of it. He hasn't been there for you, or allowed you to be there for him, because he's a been a fool who can't face one of the very hardest things that can happen to anyone. For people who've had relatively lighter challenges in life, something like this is like running blindfold into a spiked door at full tilt and emotionally repressed people have no idea how to navigate it.

It may be true that he loves you, but just doesn't know how to handle anything deeper than the good times, and so in his floundering he turned to another woman and the easier path of flirtation and sex.

None of which means that how he's handled this is remotely okay or even competent.

But fwiw I think you're right to not hate him, to try to be pragmatic and deal reasonably with him for both the boys' sake and your own in the long run. I hope he stays reasonable and the solicitors don't poison the pot.

As for the people criticising you for having sex, just ignore them. They aren't even remotely in your shoes.

You sound kind, sensible, pragmatic, realistic and loving and I hope that one day you will find peace. It won't ever be the same as before, but I suspect you will get there in the long run. It will be a hard path though.

@ThisCheekyWasp - I can only say how much respect I have for you. You sound sensible and grounded and an absolutely wonderful mother who has been and continues to be incredibly hurt both by your husband and the terrible tragedy with your girl. Perhaps what I will say goes against the grain here but don't be afraid to communicate and forgive each other and move on - apart but also together if that's what you both find you want. I can only say that you will be in my prayers. Sending you a hug

Of course you think of your daughter every day. I daresay you always will. You should be able to mention it to people without them feeling awkward. We should all make it as easy as possible for people to talk about bereavement.

And of course you shouldn’t want your DH to suffer. That’d be futile. He’s the father of your kids. If he’s happy, they’ll be happy. And the ideal for kids is their parents remain friends (though not always desirable or possible).

But IMHO you shouldn’t trust him to do what’s best for you and your kids, especially if he continues to see the OW. So, you should take sensible steps to ensure you can stay in your family home with the kids if that’s what’s best for you all. I imagine you have (mixed) emotions associated with your home if it’s where your daughter died.

All the best to you all 💐

Oh, OP. You write with such raw emotion about your daughter that it's really taken my breath away. I am so genuinely very sorry for what you've had to go through, I can't even imagine the agonising pain you feel every day. I just wanted to say that you sound like an amazing mum and all your children are extremely lucky to have you as their mum ❤️ Keep being you 🫂💐

i cannot fathom the magnitude of your loss. I can imagine that other pain feels dulled by it.

I wonder if, having read all your responses, you’re truly ready to let this go?

I know all the PPs are spitting teeth and telling you to make him suffer. But it sounds like he’s had a horribly judged response to his grief - and, if one was being purely pragmatic, there actually might be a good chance of you coming out the other side of this together if you both want that.

no one can understand your loss like each other do. I’m so sorry it drove you apart. I can imagine how that could happen.

whatever you decide to do, sending you peace and grit and love to get through it.

Op this is a sad read I’m so sorry. It sounds like you have been grieving and your dh has not let himself grieve and does not know how to. It’s such a shame he wouldn’t access therapy.Instead he has ran to someone else. Possibly because there he doesn’t have to deal with emotions. Which clearly he has issue with. I wonder if he will wake up one day and realise what he has lost. You need to do what’s right for you and your children. Good luck.

People look at me like I’m insane when I mention her and I guess my husband doesn’t want to feel any emotion towards her but because he doesn’t love her but because he doesn’t know how to feel these sorts of emotions.

He went to boarding school, I love his parents but they’re sort of just the type to say “toughen up” he told me at boarding school when he was in the lower years he got picked on pretty bad and beat up one time at age 12 bleeding etc his father said to him “that’s just how men are you need to toughen up” and so he did. I think because he started standing up for himself people stopped picking in him which in a way proved his dads point. I’m not a psychiatrist but I think his upbringing, childhood experiences can explain why he found the death of our daughter so hard to face. Anyone would but it’s the fact that he hated himself for crying “uncontrollably” that one time I thought it was a good thing he showed emotion I felt so close to him on the day our daughter passed, his hug, his face, his eyes they just had emotion he was sad but I was sad too and I thought we could go through it together but he couldn’t handle being sad he felt ashamed.

Im not just going to trust everything he says but he has sorted out a counselling session for himself for tomorrow. He said he stopped seeing the woman before even his birthday and his birthday was at the start of Jan. He says they were just using each other but this could all be false I’ll play it by ear. I still care about him but I also don’t want to make rash decisions as I’ll have to speak to the kids and explain so I want to be sure on what’s happening first before opening the Pandora box we don’t want to confuse our children.

The house has a lot of good memories I love this house. My daughters room had very good memories, once she passed I didn’t go into that room for a few months. My husband and my mum and dad were the ones who came and sorted everything out of the room for charity I wanted to just give it all away and I’m glad I did for another little girl. Now I’m okay with going into that room things pass time really heals.

You’re an incredible lady, he would be mad to let you go without a fight.

I’m so sorry about your daughter 💐

I remember when I decided to divorce my first H. I was done. So calm. Just didn't care anymore.

I think some men think that when you mention divorce, it's a cry for help or a warning. Whereas for many women it's the end point after years of trying not being listened to.

I don't blame you. At all.

I’m late to your thread OP. I can’t help but think, you are one extremely class act.

What you’ve been through, what you are currently experiencing - and others on here see fit to criticize you further, it saddens me, I simply cannot understand.

From half a world away I send aroha, so pleased to read you have loving family support. Your families will be grieving as well no doubt, with you both. I very much hope as the next phase in your story unfolds a clear pathway reveals itself to you and your husband. Best Wishes.

Some of the replies here are so nasty.

To me it is very clear that you have spent the past 2 years processing all the grief and sadness and anger and the slow death of your marriage all by yourself. Now you have emerged with clarity and have accepted the loss of your marriage and can therefore approach it with calmness, giving priority to the wellbeing of your children.

I'm so sorry for your loss and wish you the best going forward.

Not an affair affair

what a load of bull

you don’t spend £15k on a nice necklace if not shagging them lots

and trying to blame you for his wandering dick as well at a time you were most emotional

sorry for your daughters loss 💐

yes get a divorce. He obv doesn’t love you

you are young. You may not want to meet Someone now but sure will in the future

OP I am so very sorry about what has happened and the loss of your baby daughter. I can't even imagine how I would react.

You are so lovely, caring that your husband won't suffer, it just shows the sort of character you are, even when someone has hurt you in an unimaginable way, at you most vulnerable.

I think or at least hope, what many people are trying to convey when insisting you take him to the cleaners is that they want you to advocate for yourself even though you are grieving and don't care about material possessions. People who judge you for sleeping with him can fuck right off.

Making sure you have a fair and just divorce settlement is not making him suffer, gaslighting a grieving mother about hotel rooms and restaurants is making someone suffer, not splitting assets in accordance with the law. Its okay, you don't have to "find your anger" or feel vengeful in the divorce, but you don't have to let him take more than his fair share (including things like pensions) to make the divorce "easy" on him.

I hope he does get counselling and can process his grief in a healthy way too. And I hope you get whatever you need to be able to move past this horrible chapter, at least something is happening, and you're not in limbo anymore. Sending love and strength OP.

Maybe the cuddling in the morning and the sex was him wanting to reconnect with you, it sounds like you did a lot of talking and opening up (to an extent) about things that had been swept under the carpet. Sometimes it takes something monumental to happen to break down a wall.

I think you are spot on about your husband's upbringing, he was told that he should be tough at all times and internalised that and turned into a sort of self loathing when he cried when your daughter died. He has acted appallingly and not supported you but at the same time his behaviour makes sense when you take his upbringing into account, which is not much use to you and not your responsibility but has, I'm guessing hurt you an incredible amount.
I imagine that people don't look at you like you're insane, it's just that the majority of people find it really difficult to know what to say when faced with someone talking about the death of their baby. You are not wrong to talk about it by any means, it must have been at the forefront of your mind an awful lot.
It would be amazing if you could talk together with a counsellor, hopefully that in some way would be healing for you if not for your marriage

I’m so sorry OP. The worst thing ever has happened to you. I can well understand how you may possibly be feeling numb to this situation, or more numb than you would have, as you have clearly stated you have shed many tears over your relationship, and understandably so.

This is by no means an excuse, but this affair, if that’s what it is, may well be his coping mechanism or ‘escape’ as he has dismissed therapy and is not outwardly acknowledging his grief. He should never have done this to you, but the loss of a child affects parents in different ways and it is possibly too painful for him to face so he has looked for a ‘diversion’ as a means of coping and dealing with it day-to-day. It is obviously an extra stab in the heart to you but it is possibly the reason he is not comfortable being intimate with you as well. He may associate it with pregnancy and all sorts of other emotions he cannot face. But I’m sure he does still love with you, and with therapy he may be able to face up to your family’s situation.

I can well understand that you would not want this as he has betrayed you at such a vulnerable and awful time for you and you may feel it best to have a clean break and a fresh start, as you’ve already mentioned.

Don’t rush into any decision, OP, take your time and do what is best for you. I, and I’m sure everyone else on this thread, wish you all the very best. I’m so so sorry this has happened, and is happening to you. I hope you have lots of love and support around you 🩷

Op, I have a colleague who’s adult son passed away. He does talk a lot about it and how badly it impacted his wife, but he doesn’t go on on having affairs. And no one talks behind his back about it either.

It just shows the lack of empathy people in your husband’s work circle have.

For someone to betray their wife at their lowest point, be it only an EA, but I seriously doubt it, is unforgivable in my opinion.

Please take comfort in the fact you are financially independent and don’t have to rely on his money.
But men, tend to be very protective of their assets when it comes to wives, funnily enough not when it comes to mistresses.

It seems that your husband is trying a little bit too late. Funny how he suddenly got in the mood when you mentioned the divorce.

You’ve been through a lot op, but don’t let this turn you into a mug.

I feel like maybe the people you have talked to your daughter about and who are looking at you like you're insane are actually the insane ones! I swear that if you started to talk to me, any of my friends, or family about her, we would just listen and welcome all you have to say and feel, and most kind-heartef people would. Please don't feel like it is wrong or insane to want to talk about her, in any shape or form. Your daughter is loved and she matters, talking about her matters. ❤️

People are different and react to things in different ways. Men are not a monolith. The OP's husband had an upbringing which clearly seriously affected him.

He had an affair. It was stupid and wrong but it is not unforgivable in the circumstances and it doesn't make him a monster.

I feel desperately sorry for both parents. No one who hasn't gone through this knows what they would do or how they would act in the aftermath.

He had an affair. It was stupid and wrong but it is not unforgivable in the circumstances and it doesn't make him a monster.

He blamed his grieving wife for that affair, he said he did it because she was sad and he didn’t know how to connect with her - meanwhile she tells us herself she was begging for intimacy, affection, connection. Whilst he was spending obscene amounts of money on gifts for the affair partner. He told his grieving wife that his colleagues messaged him about ‘her behaviour’ (I don’t know if that’s even true but if so, it’s something I’d be taking to my grave and certainly not be putting back onto my grieving wife, certainly not at the moment when she asked me if I was cheating and I was still lying and only telling half truths.)

Im not suggesting we make him a monster, but I really don’t think the ‘come on it’s understandable the poor guy’ type posts are remotely helpful here. He’s acted very badly and he’s been very cruel - it’s ok to name that and for the OP to know that, not least so she doesn’t waste any time blaming herself. We don’t have to make him a poor victim either. It’s beyond admirable that @ThisCheekyWasp is being so dignified and not acting out of hurt or anger or revenge - all of which would also be perfectly valid and understandable in the circumstances. It highlights how incredible she is.

His boarding school background makes sense.
He had learned that showing and feeling sadness and grief isn't safe.
Not only has he never been given the tools for learning how to deal with those emotions, he's actively been taught they're not OK.

It's unbearably sad.

I agree with Terryschocolateorange, I think you speak from a place of love and carry yourself with great dignity.