Heartbreaking stories, emotional affairs are deeply wounding and life changing but for men, because many of these affairs start by a growing friendship in day to day situations they seem to be able to minimise their effects to themselves and their wives.
A striaght one night stand and getting caught would for many men seem more cleancut on the guilty scale, the fact that most EA's lead to sexual and wives having to watch the car crash unfold is brutal.
It's very difficult to advise because every couple is different, every person has different ways of coping, finances are extremely important and many don't have the luxury of making quick decisions, so many questions and answers to every situation that add to the hellish confusion you have on top of feeling so hurt and betrayed. I honestly think there should be refuges set up for this kind of emotional battering to escape the trauma.
Anyway my story didn't involve forgiveness, long marriage and totally blindsided by the betrayal of our (what I thought) deep friendship, shared life and many experiences, it didn't just hurt, it made no sense. I could feel the ow's influence upon him and I think that's what hurt the most, that he began to look down on me, his attitude towards the grown up children also became firmer, for a better word, and his distain towards my close family. He had fundamentally switched sides and he enlisted the support of his own family to take his side, absolutely horrible in every sense, and I knew I would never forgive that. I also knew after a while that his attention for this ow would wain, she was a deeply selfish woman who became extremely desperate, angry and demanding when she felt her influence was receeding. She did some nasty stuff to make me aware they had been an item, something I already knew but he always denied, this caused him to be angry with her, something else I hated him for, because I realised he was just such a self serving bully.
I fell out of love with him, it took a long time as we had been a couple for so many years but the main thing was not thinking about whether I could or be able to forgive him, but how I myself could not relax or be vunerable enough to trust, be intimate or just be myself anymore in his company.
He made that change, he forced me to be self sufficient, to not rely on love, to exist without affection or kindness, to not need someone to hold my hand or have a companion. I used to look up to him and I no longer do, and with that there is a great sadness and being in his company now I feel a sense of embarrasment for him, it's very odd, the dynamics of changing feelings never stops.
He wanted to get back together, over ten years, he still can't understand why I don't want that or how I could have lost feelings for him, I can't even speak to him about how we were once married and shared a love, I just shut him down and ignor because I know he's never understood the pain I went through, so I don't need to consider his needs, I just keep it civil, I'm almost shy in his company.
Op I would say every relationship is different and there is no right or wrong in what you choose but I would say you don't know how you, yourself will change over the years, the future changes lots of things, including your state of mind.
I wish you strength and peace during this awful experience.