Horrible situation that has devastated me

[PetraStorm]

N/C for this. Apologies, it's long. A few months ago, I received a message from a man that I used to have a casual relationship with years ago. We went our separate ways as friends, with no issues, sent Happy Birthday/Christmas texts etc. He asked how I was doing after my illness? I have breast cancer (3 years post op) and have undergone surgery and reconstruction, radiotherapy etc and I'm still receiving adjuvant therapy. We went for a drink and had a brilliant time. I asked if he was seeing anyone, he said no, he'd been single for years and lived alone. Didn't meet again for a while as I was ill. Texted frequently. We talked about everything including sex, we always had amazing sex; we were both majorly into kink and were very compatible. I told him I had been celibate since my surgery, and I was feeling vulnerable about my scars. We talked about it and he was understanding, kind and reassuring. He said all the right things. We had sex numerous times, and it was amazing.

Now, to last Saturday. He said he was going to a gig with his daughter and her girlfriend. He said the small venue was unusual, a tattoo/barbers' and bar combined. It sounded interesting, so I looked it up. There was a video of Saturday's gig, and you guessed it; there he was with his girlfriend/fiancée/wife. I felt physically sick. I would never have had any contact with him if I had known he was in a relationship. I feel incredibly sorry for his partner. She thinks she is in a happy, monogamous relationship with a man who loves her. Instead, he's sexting, sending explicit photos, and having kinky sex with another woman. Everything he told me was a lie. I have known this man for decades and considered him a friend. He knows what cancer has done to me, physically and emotionally yet lied to me so he could have the type of sex he really enjoys. I have thought about telling his partner but don't know if it's the right thing to do. The stress is awful and I feel guilty because I believed everything he told me. In addition, I found out today my last mammogram showed abnormalities and now I need a biopsy to find out if my cancer has returned. I feel defeated by life and used by a man I trusted.

It's not just a video though is it? Have you now read the OP's submissions. She has been having kinky sex with him.

If your old man as at it, would you not want to know? Just end up at the clap clinic with your feet hanging off the chair wondering which 'toilet seat' you caught a lifelong illness from ? Good for you but I think people should be straight with other people and do the right thing before you have a notifiable disease.

Once more - we don't know that the person in the video is a long time partner or a wife

I don't have an old man - hth

Oh, I see.

So basically the OP bounced up and down on someone's dick-without knowing if he was in a relationship - and his partner has to be told

I've been in a very similar situation. Not the kinky sex but someone who lied. Did I tell the other person. No

I feel for you Op but I think it's a bit odd that your default setting was to go looking for him at the gig online.

Well done for blocking him, OP. This has been a nasty incident but it is not your fault you believed his lies, or your responsibility to tell his current partner. If he wasn't deceiving her, he would be deceiving someone else. Hope you can put it behind you and continue to look after yourself and DD.

Having a kink (incidentally, one he shares with the OP) isn’t a red flag in and of itself, even if it’s not your cup of tea. Being in a consensually casual relationship in the past isn’t a red flag, either. I genuinely can’t see any other red flags in what OP has described before the incident at the gig. What red flags is she supposed to have spotted?

There’s an unpleasantly judgemental tone towards the OP from some of the posts on this thread, which is pretty shitty considering that she has done nothing wrong and is very vulnerable. for you, @PetraStorm.

This, absolutely.

I'm sorry some twat has tried to derail your thread OP.

He's behaved abysmally. You have nothing at all to reproach yourself for. I'm glad you were able to allow yourself to be intimate again. It's a shame he wasn't grown up enough to be honest with you and let you make your own choices. I really wish you all the best with your biopsy and have everything crossed for you 💐

I agree, it is really strange. OP has done nothing wrong.

I am sorry for not getting back sooner, I had a bad day yesterday. I received the appointment for my biopsy, and I found out some other details, which weren't good.

I will update and try and answer some questions. I didn't think I would receive so many replies and I've been overwhelmed.

I met this man when we worked together. I left; he is still there. It's very large organisation (won't be more specific) with lots of departments. I reached out to a friend who still works there and asked her some questions. I told her he had approached me. He is a consultant (not medical, rather an independent expert) who moves between departments and according to my friend, between women. As far as she is aware, he has been with his partner for around nine years. He doesn't talk about her very often and she doesn't know if they are engaged. He has had at least one relationship with one of her co-workers.

Now some answers;

No, this wasn't going to be another "casual" relationship. I was very clear that I wasn't interested in that, cancer has changed me. He agreed and said he wanted a relationship too. We went out, he was constantly in touch with me, we were making plans for a holiday or so I thought.

Did I not know he was in a relationship? No, I had absolutely no idea. I have known this man for many years, and it never occurred to me he would lie. I really do have breast cancer and would never knowingly enter a relationship that would cause me this much stress. Stress is terrible for people with cancer. It accelerates tumour growth and encourages the cancer to metastasize. I have done everything I can to try and stop my cancer returning and spreading. I know some people always blame the "other woman", but I didn't know that's what I was. My ex had an affair; the other woman didn't care he was married. I know the pain of finding out your partner is cheating. I would never do that to another woman.

Were there no red flags? No.

Am I going to tell his partner? I'm still torn. My ex did this to me and I wish someone had told me. On the other hand, I don't need any more stress. I have no doubt she deserves to know but I'm not sure I should be the one to tell her.

I did not ask for this. I did not want this. I trusted someone I have known for many, many, years and he deceived me.

It's strange and it's horrible but sadly it's not surprising. Language like 'bouncing on a dick' is nothing less than slut-shaming.

Cross-posted with you, OP. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and you do not need to justify yourself to anyone, least of all the judgy elements on this thread.

OP, I just read your update and just wanted to say that I am so sorry all of this has happened to you. 💐

OP, I am so sorry for everything you're going through. None of it is deserved at all. You have done nothing wrong.

I can't believe this POS did this to a person with cancer. I'd go so far as to say he exploited it, since you were clear that cancer has changed you and he went ahead saying whatever would get his way anyway. I find that worse than cheating, actually. I'd go so far as to call it evil.

You don't have to tell his partner or do anything that will elevate your stress. You have no duty or obligation, truly you do not. If he's that indiscreet he'll get found out eventually, perhaps she already knows and that's why they're still not married after all this time. This isn't your mess to clear up. Just do whatever you have to do for your health. I hope you recover quickly and completely.

Sorry, I forgot to add this.

How do I know it's his partner? I asked him on Tuesday if there was an innocent explanation for what I had seen. No reply, no explanation and definitely no apology. He simply blocked me everywhere. It's possible it's not his partner but it is yet another woman he is seeing. That seems unlikely as the bar/barbers/tattoo place is very close to his home and I don't think even he would be that stupid.

As for the "bouncing on a dick comments etc, " I do usually bounce on the dick of someone I'm in a relationship with. I'm not ashamed of having sex with someone I thought was single and my partner. We were "casual" 15 years ago and at the time we were both single. It was while I was caring for my severely disabled child as a single parent. My ex wasn't around so it was me 24/7 and didn't have the time for a "proper" relationship. I'm not ashamed of that either. Yes, I bounced on his dick then, too. I enjoyed it very much, thank you for asking. I see "slut shaming" is still popular on MN. Cancer has made me fearless, so people I don't know making unkind comments about me mean absolutely nothing and says more about the type of person they are, than it does about me. What sad lives they must lead when the highlight of their day is insulting a woman with cancer. I really do pity them. When you find yourself in a terrible situation and ask for advice you will always get people who blame you, even if you have done nothing wrong. If I can fight cancer, I can fight the mess this utter cunt has made of my life. I want to thank everyone who has offered support and good wishes, I appreciate it very much.

I'm so sorry op. What an arsehole. You sound like a good person and you absolutely did
not deserve this.

Sending lots of love your way ❤️xxx

Too fucking right, OP. The misogyny is appalling.

…is OP scum? They are both ‘majorly’ into kink?

Maybe his daughter was there too…she could’ve been in the loo for all we know!

There are some real scumbags out there. Look on the positive side, you have found him out before the relationship developed further and he is out of your life. Do not wastd any more time, energy or stress in this creep. Focus on you and your recovery.

Maybe she was, would that make the situation any better for op?

I have updated, you might want to check it out. It's his partner

No…but someone said he was lying about being there with his daughter, instead he was there with his partner, I simply offered up the suggestion that maybe his daughter had nipped off the loo 🤷‍♀️

Let me reiterate, we were supposed to be in a relationship, an exclusive relationship with each other. In the last three years I have had chemotherapy, radiotherapy, and massive doses of steroids. My immune system is terrible. If I contracted an STI, it would be horrific. It could cause long term harm to my health, and I am not going to sleep with a man who is sleeping with other women. One of the reasons I am so annoyed is because of what he could have exposed me to to.

Who the fuck on here is shaming a woman with cancer for having sex within what she believes to be a committed monogamous relationship?

And thinking they're arbiters of morality?