Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Horrible situation that has devastated me

206 replies

PetraStorm · 13/02/2026 03:49

N/C for this. Apologies, it's long. A few months ago, I received a message from a man that I used to have a casual relationship with years ago. We went our separate ways as friends, with no issues, sent Happy Birthday/Christmas texts etc. He asked how I was doing after my illness? I have breast cancer (3 years post op) and have undergone surgery and reconstruction, radiotherapy etc and I'm still receiving adjuvant therapy. We went for a drink and had a brilliant time. I asked if he was seeing anyone, he said no, he'd been single for years and lived alone. Didn't meet again for a while as I was ill. Texted frequently. We talked about everything including sex, we always had amazing sex; we were both majorly into kink and were very compatible. I told him I had been celibate since my surgery, and I was feeling vulnerable about my scars. We talked about it and he was understanding, kind and reassuring. He said all the right things. We had sex numerous times, and it was amazing.

Now, to last Saturday. He said he was going to a gig with his daughter and her girlfriend. He said the small venue was unusual, a tattoo/barbers' and bar combined. It sounded interesting, so I looked it up. There was a video of Saturday's gig, and you guessed it; there he was with his girlfriend/fiancée/wife. I felt physically sick. I would never have had any contact with him if I had known he was in a relationship. I feel incredibly sorry for his partner. She thinks she is in a happy, monogamous relationship with a man who loves her. Instead, he's sexting, sending explicit photos, and having kinky sex with another woman. Everything he told me was a lie. I have known this man for decades and considered him a friend. He knows what cancer has done to me, physically and emotionally yet lied to me so he could have the type of sex he really enjoys. I have thought about telling his partner but don't know if it's the right thing to do. The stress is awful and I feel guilty because I believed everything he told me. In addition, I found out today my last mammogram showed abnormalities and now I need a biopsy to find out if my cancer has returned. I feel defeated by life and used by a man I trusted.

OP posts:
Duvetdayneeded · 13/02/2026 06:24

Tell the wife.

Kidsgotothatschool · 13/02/2026 06:30

What an absolute a’hole.

Absolutely tell his wife! He is abusing her, we should call this stuff out.

Then block, delete and move on!

Highlighta · 13/02/2026 06:34

I am so sorry for what you have been and are going through OP.

It is always awful to find out we have been lied to, duped. It is one of my life's biggest hate and now at an older and wiser age, will cut anyone off who has lied to me.

I think you should do the same and move on from this.

I don't agree that you should tell his wife/partner. This is always said on these threads, but how does doing this serve you right now? There is a time when this might be a good option, but in this case just spend that energy on yourself. A lot of the time there is always the case of shoot the messenger anyway, so it is not just that straightforward.

Keep him blocked and just know that he will be sweating about why. Maybe that will be enough karma for now

I wish you luck going forward with this, and for your health issues 🌷

Glitchymn1 · 13/02/2026 06:36

Yet another vile specimen of a man.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this and cancer- do you have real life support?

Highlighta · 13/02/2026 06:37

PetraStorm · 13/02/2026 05:14

He contacted me on Tuesday. I told him I knew and then blocked him everywhere I could think off. He's a thief, he's stealing his partner future and he doesn't care.

Apologies, I didn't see this update.

I think he might still be sweating a bit, but that is not your concern now.

Buffypaws · 13/02/2026 06:41

Yes tell the partner if possible as he is indeed stealing her life then deal with your own stuff. What an absolute pig. So sorry and hope your health situation works out well.

ruffler45 · 13/02/2026 06:49

..

EdithBond · 13/02/2026 06:53

PetraStorm · 13/02/2026 05:14

He contacted me on Tuesday. I told him I knew and then blocked him everywhere I could think off. He's a thief, he's stealing his partner future and he doesn't care.

She thinks she is in a happy, monogamous relationship with a man who loves her.

Did he admit he’s in a relationship? Could it be a causal date, another ex he still hooks up with or an open relationship (though that still means he lied to you). What were they doing? If he was hugging her, kissing her head etc (rather than snogging/sexual) could it be his daughter?

Don’t feel bad about it. He’s a long-standing acquaintance and you should’ve expected him to tell the truth.

Hope the biopsy comes back OK.

XiCi · 13/02/2026 06:53

So sorry you're going through this OP. I would see this as a blessing from the universe that you are finding out now that he is not worthy of your time. Youre going to need all your energy going forward to focus on your health and recovery. I would just block him and not engage in any further drama that would sap your energy, its not worth it and it won't help you. Best of luck going forward and with your scan results.

KeepOffTheQuinoa · 13/02/2026 06:54

Really sorry OP.

The situation - his behaviour - is bad enough , but everything is amplified by your cancer treatment and tests.

The man who enabled you to take such a positive step forward in your own relationship with your post op body let you down so badly.

I would not embroil any further with him, just focus on your own health and managing your strength and emotional energy around that.

All vibes vibing for you.

Gettingbysomehow · 13/02/2026 06:55

Men who are into kink are scum. They all behave like this. My ex husband was in that world and him and his kinky friends were all liars and cheats. I walked away. If you want a great relationship you wont find it in that world.

ThatCyanCat · 13/02/2026 07:04

LindorDoubleChoc · 13/02/2026 05:36

You made a mistake, learn from it and move on. I hope you enjoy good health in the future.

She didn't make a mistake. He lied to her. What's she supposed to learn from this? She's not the one who needs to improve herself!

JustMyView13 · 13/02/2026 07:06

In your shoes, I’d block him and leave him be with his partner. You have enough of your own things in life to worry about without dealing with his drama too. She’ll find out eventually. But telling her isn’t going to make your life easier over the coming weeks. He’ll tell her you’re a crazy old flame and he felt sorry for you and she won’t leave. I’d walk away with my head held high because you’ve done nothing wrong or to be ashamed of.

GrandmasCat · 13/02/2026 07:07

Are you sure they are a couple? Could she be another friend like you? I would check on that before getting too hurt about it.

From what you say, it seems you were friends with benefits (not very good friends if he was happy not to tell you he was in a relationship), there is no point of discussing the issue with him or the woman as he can and will argue that you never agreed to be exclusive (which is fucking ridiculous after so much shared but still).

I would probably send her a few nice photos of you together (not in bed) with a simple note saying “I didn’t know he was playing the field, thought you would like to know” and then block everyone.

njg575 · 13/02/2026 07:11

I went through something similar 4 years ago and it still stings. I found out a similar way via pictures on social media, which he said he wasn't on, but his sister was.

I didnt tell his long term girlfriend of 10 years that he'd actively persued me, then gaslight me and lied about his relationship status for the 6 months i knew him. Mainly because it would cause more hurt and aggro from the backlash i would get. I just stopped contacting him. Telling the wife is like kicking a hornets nest - you risk looking bitter, nasty or even mad.

He asked him why he did it and his response was 'because I could'.

Im sorry you've experience this OP, but make it his problem not yours.

scottishgirl69 · 13/02/2026 07:15

You don't know this person is his wife or partner unless you saw them kissing in the video.

Original poster
PetraStorm · 13/02/2026 07:30

CarlaLemarchant · 13/02/2026 05:36

How do you know it was his girlfriend/partner/wife. Could the woman with him be someone he has another casual relationship with (similar to you?). I’m not sure why you are so convinced of his long term committed relationship status from a video about a bar. There probably is a reason but maybe I’ve missed it.

They are stood together, he has his arm around her, they kiss. You know when two people are close by body language. If it had been a mistake or something else, he could have told me. I blocked him on WhatsApp immediately but I didn't block elsewhere until later.

OP posts:
Original poster
PetraStorm · 13/02/2026 07:32

scottishgirl69 · 13/02/2026 07:15

You don't know this person is his wife or partner unless you saw them kissing in the video.

I have just explained, they are watching a band, he has his arm around her and reaches in for a kiss.

OP posts:
popcornandpotatoes · 13/02/2026 07:34

PetraStorm · 13/02/2026 07:32

I have just explained, they are watching a band, he has his arm around her and reaches in for a kiss.

Show quote history

Could've been a date? Nothing you have said suggests you two were exclusive

Silverbirchleaf · 13/02/2026 07:34

CarlaLemarchant · 13/02/2026 05:36

How do you know it was his girlfriend/partner/wife. Could the woman with him be someone he has another casual relationship with (similar to you?). I’m not sure why you are so convinced of his long term committed relationship status from a video about a bar. There probably is a reason but maybe I’ve missed it.

I wondered that as well.

Edited to say, just saw update.

scottishgirl69 · 13/02/2026 07:35

PetraStorm · 13/02/2026 07:30

They are stood together, he has his arm around her, they kiss. You know when two people are close by body language. If it had been a mistake or something else, he could have told me. I blocked him on WhatsApp immediately but I didn't block elsewhere until later.

Show quote history

As awful as this is you had no contact in years and your relationship was casual. You have enough stress to be dealing with just now - if he's cheating on her with you, he'll be cheating with others no doubt.

LadiDahnya · 13/02/2026 07:39

Honestly, I think you're overreacting to a video of a man on a date with a woman. There is no way you know the relqtionship between these two people. You had a relationship where it was based on sex which satisfied your kink, thats pretty close. So you think he cant stand close with arm around and kiss qnother woman without it being his wife?? Weird.

Sartre · 13/02/2026 07:40

I’m not sure whether telling her is the right thing to do, you know what typically happens to the messenger in the old adage… My FIL was repeatedly told MIL was cheating and he would just go nuclear with those people, didn’t want to believe it. This guy will have ways of denying it and making you look like an idiot.

Lennonjingles · 13/02/2026 07:40

OP, I’m so sorry, what is wrong with this man, absolute scum bag to be treated like this when you are going through your cancer journey. Take care of yourself and be glad you are well rid of this awful person.

Pearlstillsinging · 13/02/2026 07:47

Nothing you describe in the video screams "married: or even "long term partner" to me. She could well be another long-standing FWB. He is obviously a very experienced player.
Leave them to it, concentrate on your own health and don't waste energy on this potential drama.

I hope you get good news about your cancer.